How to Poop Better.

// // 32 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
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I never really stopped drinking like a college student, even though its been three years since i graduated. I typically have a couple of beers or glasses of wine each weeknight... and of course on weekends I have a few more.

Basically, I drink too much--not too many at one time necessarily, but definitely I have a drink too often.

This past Monday, after yet another hangover kept me from being productive and happy, I decided to temper my habit and vowed not to drink a drop until the weekend -- to prove to myself that I have control over the habit.

While the aspects of sobriety are nice, an unexpected benefit came out of my ass. Up to this point, my shit has almost always been runny and messy -- the kind that takes a lot of paper to clean up (and is not very aesthetically pleasing).

However, since I stopped drinking, my poop paradigm has changed completely. The turds slide out in cohesive and solid logs that are a cinch to wipe after. Even the dreaded post-burrito poop was no problem!

It has been an interesting experiment and I look forward to further studies.


-- John

32 Comments on "How to Poop Better."

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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I drink like a fish...6 to 10 beers everyday...and I poop solid logs...

Melly's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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You know I noticed that when I drank Budweiser products, I would always get the shits the morning after. The scary ones. So I switched to rum and coke. Then I just started puking in the morning, hungover or not. Now I don't drink as much.

THOROUGHLY DISGUSTED's picture
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SPEAKING OF PUKING.....YOU ALL MAKE ME WANNA PUKE!!!!!!

Diseased's picture
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You people make me sick...what a bunch of assholes. Don't you have anything better to do than drink and crap? Push away from the bar, get off the can and go find a real life.

goddess of poo's picture
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i noticed that when drinking corona's all night.. god, i'd shit my brains out the next morning like i just ate a can of corn .. lol

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper
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Why do you dis poo? Don't you realize that poo is the most universal of all human experiences? Some would argue sex, maybe, or love, or happiness -- but not everyone has sex, or is in love, or is happy. But everyone --- EVERYONE --- poos! Why not embrace this facet of human nature? Why are you disgusted by something so universal across the spectrum of mankind?

Amy's picture
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Dave, you must realize that it is hard for people to poop when they have their heads stuck up their asses... Fortunately, most of us here don't have that problem...only a few...

Susan's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I love to drink,sometimes to much and doing what I do for a living the end results are not always so good.In June I was booked for a shoot in South Beach so I just had to go out and get blotto the night before..long story short..when I was trying the first thong I got that rumbling feeling in my belly...I shit all over me and some of the cameras that were in the dressing room..no more tequila

Hillbilly's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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After I get done with a hard night of drinking I always crap solid logs. They smear the bowl a little while getting flushed but thats about it.

Shaur's picture
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My but is big and my hole is small.
Shit is expandable. I am a salad tosser.
Penis is good.
This site is funny. Adam Sandler is funny.
I bet he has hairy balls.

Bob Poolick's picture
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I agree with the drinking idea. I recently stopped drinking because of the unpleasant bouts with the porcelain prince.

My all time worst is if I eat some hot mexican food. The next morning, my poo STINKS! Last night I had burritos and chimichangas for dinner (my fault), and at 3 AM, the smell eminating from my posterior woke me up in bed. It was a horrid scent; a mix of HCl and Rotten egg. I quickly proceeded to run to the bathroom with a flashlight (the bright lights wake me up at light), and put my volcanic rectum on the toilet. What proceeded to happen is still a blur to me. The smell was so bad, I was coughing, and gagging, and I woke up. I had to use almost half a roll to wipe my bum, and everytime I thought I was done, more diarrhea would erupt.

Needless to say, I was on the toilet for about an hour and a half, and couldn't get back to sleep. My girlfriend lay in bed, sound asleep. So instead of flushing the toilet, I just closed the lid to give her a big surprise this morning. She called me at the office this morning and swore at me saying she almost died on the smell and she had to turn the fan on and open the windows!

With Love,

Until next time,

Bob Poolick

tmoff's picture
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When I quit drinking, I had white knuckle turds that ripped my asshole apart!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Bob Poolick, I laughed my ass off at your post. I will have to try this trick on my sister the next time I visit.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Stink Azz's picture
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Speaking of nasty poos, I just had one. Not only was it runny, but the smell just about gagged me. I did drink alcohol, but that was two nights ago...Maybe it has something to do with that??

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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Couldnet have said it better, AMy.

Wow, bob.

I was reasearching some for the BM news, and I found this Islamic commandment:

"CONSTIPATION:

The blessed Prophet advised that while defaecating keep pressure on the left foot (Tibrani). In squatting position this maneuvers will cause pressure on the descending colon. Medically this helps evacuation of feaces from the descending colon thus relieving constipation, particularly when muscles of the abdomen are weak."

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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Also found this:

"WASHING AFTER DEFECATION:

This beneficial habit saves us from Pilonidal sinus which is an abscess with hair inside occurring near anal opening.

Pylonephritis: This is more in women due to the proximity of the urethral opening to the anus so toilet paper while being used may bring germs like E. coli to the urethra.

ABOLUTION:

A pre requisite of prayers yet one of the most hygienic procedure as it usually keeps the exposed parts of our body clean and also the parts of entry like mouth and nose thus avoiding Infection."

Also all Muslims must be circumcised.--useless fact of the day.

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
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It's ablution, not abolution.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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The post from "Shaur" above illustrates my point about why these threads should be edited. It has nothing whatsoever to do with this site's Mission Statement.

And, KOC, if you are a fan of the Koran, what are you doing eating at KFC?

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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It's not worth it. Go back to drinking.

I think Shaur's post is good. Perhaps he's free-forming.

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points
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Not a "best of" but ok "need to know" type of info.
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points
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I like to drink - I drink most days. Same of poop. But I don't think they are related. How much I drink does not affect how much I poop.

Dingberry's picture
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I drink beer (bud) everyday and it leaves me constipated. Only when the weekend comes and I drink whiskers do I find relief. and yes, I'm a very unproductive person most of the week.

airtexaco's picture
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I am deployed and it is a hike to the bathroom unless I use a porta-jon...YUK.

There is no beer here, and I don't want to read the Koran so I am desperate for some info. My bum HURTS.

Maybe it is chow hall revenge...

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Dingerry.....Tell us more about these whiskers you drink on weekends.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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Chief, I'm guessing it must be a mixer involving cat food and alcohol. We might need to consult Bilge as he's more informed when it comes to cats.

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Corn squeezin's, cat squeezin's (and pluckin's) little sugar, little yeast, some heat, some pressure, and viola..."whiskers". The whiskers serve the same purpose as the worm in Mezcal...to prove potency and purity.
_______

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points
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There you go Chief. I'm guessing you can find a little "hollow" down there to start a still of your own. How 'bout the name Pussy Whisky?

Poo A La Carte's picture
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Why is it that when you eat alot of Lucky Charms my poo turns green?

Bilgepump's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Its that goddamn motherfucking leprechaun messing with your head, Poo A La Carte.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

"One of the founding members of the Front Page Hyena Pack, and runs as its alpha male when the urge strikes him, which is often." Daphne (one perceptive chick)

Shit Pants's picture
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eat corn and rice checks

nater bobater's picture
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i love poop :)

Anonymous's picture
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Spectrum or sphincter?