In all my contributions to PoopReport, one thing I have never brought up is my father's strange shitting rituals.

The man is 64 years old and has had a few stomach and intestinal problems in his life -- most of it due to excessive alcohol use and poor eating habits.

Back in the 70's he was a manager of a grocery store. Back then, grocery stores closed at 6 on Saturday, so after closing time my father, a co-worker and a bottle of bourbon stayed late to do inventory. Dinner was missed, so being drunk and hungry they cooked a chicken... in a toaster oven. Well, the partially uncooked bird gave my father salmonella poisoning, which has cursed his bowels for the last 30 years. He also had his gall bladder removed.

So my father's life now revolves around taking a shit. The man has no ability to hold a load. When he feels that urge, he has about 30 seconds to get to the can or he is Mr. Poopy Pants. He does most of his shitting in the morning, so he rarely leaves the house before noon. Since my mother doesn't drive, she is caught up in this nightmare also -- she can't go anywhere without him.

One time about a year ago my father, my mother, my daughter and myself had to go somewhere in the morning. We got in the car and within 5 minutes he says "go back home." He had the urge. Well, I went back and he ran in the house, nothing, only a fart. (I guess it is not uncommon for him to think it's a fart, but then it turns out to be a squirt.)

Well back in the car we go, and we ended up stopping 3 more times in the next 30 minutes (2 gas stations and a McDonalds) for him to try and shit.

I could go on for hours with insane stories about my fathers urges and false alarms. Having to shit has consumed his life.

He also knows how his shit will turn out by what he eats and when. He has it down to a science. (He is retired, I guess he doesn't have much else to do.)

We often wonder... does he really have a physical problem, or is it all in his mind? Does he use this as an excuse to get out of going places and doing things he doesn't want to? Is it another way of controlling my mother? Will he be wearing a diaper soon? Or will he just move into the bathroom?

-- Doniker

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