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Post-Op Plop Stop

Posted 01.05.2004 by Terd Ferguson (25)
Last year, following the discovery of a large mass of fibroid tumors, I found myself scheduled for hysterectomy surgery. I had no real symptoms of note, but the mass was pressing on my kidney and causing it to be enlarged, so therefore the surgery was my only option. I started reading up on the procedure on the Internet, and quickly discovered that the effects of the surgery included the bowels "shutting down" due to the shock of cutting into the abdomen. (The vaginal surgery was not an option due to the size of the tumor mass.)

I normally crap at least once a day, and very often more than that. I'm a miserable soul if I go for more than a day without. The pre-surgical instructions called for an enema, of which I was a bit suspect; but, wanting to be a good little patient, I endured the embarrassment of buying one in the drug store. (I figured if I got any strange looks, I would just smile and say, "I'm having surgery tomorrow.")

I gave myself the enema the night before the surgery. I crapped out a bunch of water about fifteen minutes later and thought to myself, "Well, that wasn't so bad." I went to bed expecting that to be all -- but in the middle of the night, I awoke to a roiling, churning bowel symphony. I ran down the stairs and proceeded to crap out what appeared to be my entire digestive system. The cramping and the pain were horrifying, and along with the mess, I flushed down my dignity.

The Thursday surgery went well, and I was in the hospital for three-and-a-half days. Abdominal surgery requires the nurses to check for normal bowel sounds several times a day. They kept on saying that they could hear them, but nothing was "moving" as of Saturday. That night I could feel some gas making its presence known, and I had to get out of the bed and walk around because of the pain, but all I succeeded in passing was a long, odorless fart. I was released on Sunday after taking stool softeners -- but still no poop.

I have certain things that I do that trigger a crap, and I tried every single one of them, to no avail. Finally I begged my mother to pick me up some glycerin suppositories and prune juice. At this point I was feeling miserable; I was actually grateful that I'd taken the enema and that whatever was trying to get out was only the hospital food I'd eaten, and nothing from before that!

Monday rolled around and some friends from work called. They wanted to come over and bring me a present. But before they got there, I started to get that feeling: at last, I was going to have a crap.

I sat down on the toilet and began to push. I could feel it moving and I was damn well determined not to leave that bathroom until I had satisfaction. I pushed... and I pushed... and I pushed (mind you, this with a fresh, eight-inch incision in my abdomen)... and I pushed some more. I rocked back and forth, opened and shut my knees, and sweated so profusely that I had to remove my shirt.

After about twenty minutes of grunting, it FINALLY plopped. To my utter surprise, it was NOT hard, and it was NOT huge. It was a normal sized turd of a good consistency -- it was just that my system had been so traumatized that it was like my bowels were numb and couldn't push it out normally. Anyways, RIGHT when I was finally dumping it, my friends knocked at the door!

I leaned on my knees, gasping for breath, trying to pull myself together. I put my shirt back on and wiped my face and neck. I waddled out to talk to my friends and they just stared at me with shock and horror. I must have looked like I had just come out of the operating room. They brought me a whole box of homemade food and casseroles, with more than $100 cash thrown in, but I could barely speak my thanks. They left pretty quickly and I had to take a nap after that shit from hell. That was the worst part of the whole surgery: not being able to shit for five days.

-- Eileen



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The Big Wiper (2245) -- 01.05.2004

I remember a cousin of mine who had some unusual surgery when she was a teenager. It was discovered that she had a double womb, one of which was the remains of a twin that had never completely formed. The extra womb had to be removed, and it caused my cousin to be in the hospital for a long time.

I visited her in the hospital, and she said that the worst part of the recovery were the horrible gas pockets trapped in her system. Just as you said in your story, Eileen, her system was traumatized by the surgery, and nature wouldn't take its course. She was in terrible pain for quite a long time.

Good, educational story! Hope you are good and healed and that life will never again take that sort of course for you.

Justa Girl (not verified) -- 01.05.2004

The awful things that women endure due to our reproductive systems. I've heard horrific stories about problems like yours after hysterectomy... and these are all secondary to the actual surgical incision. You're a survivor!

Vatfryer (not verified) -- 01.05.2004

Justa Girl, I couldn't agree more. The next time a guy tries to justify that men are the stronger sex, I'll hand him a copy of this story.

Mudd (64) -- 01.05.2004

A classic story of endurance and triumph.

arsehole (not verified) -- 01.05.2004

there is nothing more sexy than a topless women taking a dump

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 01.05.2004

That sucks that you had to have a hysterectomy. My aunt just had one a couple of months ago for the very same condition. I hope you're doing much better now.
Anyway, I loved the story. I remember listening to my Mom trying to shit after she came home from open heart surgery. I think people in Peru heard her agony as she strained with her stitches and cracked rib cage. I couldn't image trying to crap with a slit in the belly.

Terd Ferguson (25) -- 01.05.2004

Thanks for the sympathy, everyone. I am much better now a year later, and not having a period any more after thirty years of bleeding has made the whole thing worthwhile.

celebrity scoop (not verified) -- 01.05.2004

True fact about Brittney Spears: She has extremely large bowel movements due to frequent constipation. When she takes a shit, she sits on the toilet for about 15-20 minutes, sometimes longer.

nunyabizz (not verified) -- 01.05.2004

Good story, Eileen. I hope I never have to go through that though!

Turd Burglar (84) -- 01.06.2004

Good story, but I'm confused. How could you have shat so little after 5 days? I would imagine there would be quite a backup lodged in there. Did you take another huge crap later? Or did you not eat that much? Those surgeries sound real nasty. They're takin' a whole chunk out of your body. Ugh.

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 01.06.2004

I don't know about Eileen's problem but I had one of my own. I went to Reno and ate like a pig for ten days without crapping. When I finally did all I got was one little turdlet about the diameter of a nickel. Asses are mysterious beings.

Pooperscooper (not verified) -- 01.08.2004

Question #1 How did 'Celebrity Scoop' learn that info about Brittany Spears? Inquiring Minds want to know!

I think its awful that you were sent home from the hospital without any instructions on how to take a shit without having to strain--straining is hazardous to health, especially after surgery.

If I ever have to go through abdominal surgery, I'll make damn sure to have some laxatives stockpiled at home, along with a good one quart enema device.

Its way better to use those than to grunt and strain.

And you probably were eating low fiber food at the hospital. Fiber accounts for a lot of the bulk in feces, so a low fiber diet composed of hospital food will give you small, dense turds.

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 01.09.2004

They serve food at the hospital?!? I thought they only served over-cooked, gray, smudge they passed off as nutritious.

Terd Ferguson (25) -- 01.17.2004

To answer a couple of points: the reason I didn't crap much after 4 days, was simply that I had nothing to eat on Thursday, and very little on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. Like The Shit Volcano mentioned, the hospital food was not very appetizing at all, and certainly not fibrous. However, the crap I finally got out was normal in size and consistency. I just had so much trouble because of the surgery being that close.

They didn't really give me any "instructions," but I knew what I had to do to make it happen; it just took a little more effort than normal. So if you're having abdominal surgery, beware!

bigintestines (not verified) -- 01.18.2004

first of all, eileen, you're awesome for putting up with that and i salute you. I'm glad your better now, and second, celebrity scoop, how the hell did you find that out? come on i don't know how anyone would find that out about britney unless her mom is a total bitch, because i suffer from the same thing as miss spears and the only person that knows is my mom

Poop (not verified) -- 11.04.2004

Okayyyyyy, geez five days, that might have happened to me once......

DungDaddy (1386) -- 12.24.2006

That lonely little turd was a pioneer. Making its way through an unoccupied waste land.

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