On Thursday, My Doctor Stuck His Finger Up My Butt.

// // 135 Comments
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

On Tuesday I found blood in my poop.

It was pretty gross. I'm one of those guys that always looks in the toilet after pooping, I guess to admire my
handiwork. Tuesday I was greeted with a bright red streak that ran along each log, plus some floaty blood in the water. Pretty
gross. That was my morning poop. When the blood reoccurred during my afternoon poop, I called my mommy.

Mommy advised me to call the doctor. So I called the doctor. He asked if there were "copious" amounts of blood in my
stool. He defined "copious" to be "more than a cupful." When I responded negative, he said it was not a big deal
("perhaps just an internal hemorrhoid") and told me to come in for a rectal exam on Thursday.

On Wednesday there was no blood in my poop.

On Thursday morning was no blood in my poop.

On Thursday afternoon I went in for my rectal exam.

Since I'm young and in good health, and there wasn't copious amounts of blood, it probably wasn't colon cancer. But he
wanted to check out my nether regions, just to see what he could see.

I'll call him Dr. K. to protect his anonymity -- I wouldn't want my friends to know if I stuck my finger up his butt,
so I'll afford him equal courtesy.

The nurse took my blood pressure and temperature, and pronounced me fine. After she left, Dr. K. came in and had me
re-describe my problem to him. He listened, repeated his prediction that it wasn't anything major, and told me to drop
'em.

So I stood pantsless in front of Dr. K.

"Well, since you're here, I'm going to teach you how to check yourself for testicular cancer."

And so he did. Fellas, pay attention. We should be examining our testicles as often as girls exam their breasts. The
testicles, for those of you who don't know, are egg shaped, with nubs at the top and the bottom, and a tube that runs
down the length of it. So if you feel any other nubs or growths other than those I just mentioned, call your doctor.

Dr. K. looked me in the eye as he felt my left testicle followed by my right, pronouncing my testicles fit as a fiddle.
I was a bit scared that Little Dave would respond inappropriately -- hey, Little Dave has no eyes. I'm sure he thinks
that anyone touching down there must be doing it with my permission, and therefore in an amorous way. But fortunately,
Little Dave showed the proper restraint, and Dr. K. moved on.

After administering a hernia test ("turn your head and cough"), it was time.

"Turn around," said Dr. K.

I turned around.

"Put your elbows on the counter."

I put my elbows on the counter.

Dr. K. opened up a drawer in the counter and took out a tube of K.Y. Jelly.

Dr. K. spread the K.Y. Jelly on his rubber glove clad fingers.

Dr. K. stuck his finger in my butt.

Dr. K. moved his finger around, quickly but carefully exploring the area, searching for any abnormalities.

Dr. K. removed his finger from my butt.

Dr. K. removed his rubber glove and pointed me in the direction of some tissues I could use to wipe up. I discovered I
needed seven or eight return trips to completely wipe up my mess.

"I didn't find any hemorrhoids or any other masses," said Dr. K. "Your prostate feels fine, everything feels fine,"
said
Dr. K. "I don't think you have anything to worry about," Dr. K. informed me. "Just keep watching your stool in case
something else turns up," Dr. K. requested. "We could send you to a specialist, but I don't think they'd find anything
either," Dr. K. opined.

And so my ordeal was over. It wasn't terrible -- not the most natural event, as one can imagine, but it wasn't
painful.
It felt kind of like pooping, except instead of poop going out, it was like a big wriggly poo trying to force its way back
in.

The reason for the blood in my poo remains a mystery. Was it some weird 24-hour colon sickness? Did I drink red paint
without knowing it? Or maybe... was it just my subconscious's way of generating more content for PoopReport?




-- Dave

Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production!


Pun time!!!!

Phew! What a relief! I knew Dr. K. would get to the bottom of my health problems. By boldly going where no man has
gone before, Dr. K. helped me nip my problem in the bud. All he needed was a starship ride around Uranus (good thing I wiped
out all the Klingons before hand!)

And what was the problem? Who knows. Maybe it was psychological -- in which case, perhaps I should go see an analyst.

But since I'm healthy, it's time to celebrate! Bottoms up!

Hey kids -- can you think of any other funny puns related to my recent ass violation? Check out PoopReport's newest
contest: "Funny Terms for a Rectal Exam."

135 Comments on "On Thursday, My Doctor Stuck His Finger Up My Butt."

 r's picture

Hello. I've had a bit of blood in my poop before. It's okay. Sometimes it's just because your constipated!

VR's picture

I just took a poop. and it had some blood in it :-\ got scared searched online and found this.. thanx. il keep in mind now if it happends again.

Trashcanman's picture
l 100+ points

time for the expert...
she says to me, blood in the stool is ok if it is bright red, which indicates a fissure. dark blackish tarry blood in the stool can indicate cancer. Dark tarry stool can also be a medication side effect. Bright red blood is almost always just some minor problem, nothing to worry about.

matt gibson's picture

i had blood in my poop once. I was also examined by a doctor. I hated that jelly stuff. It also took me numerous wipes to get it off

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

The only rectal exam I ever had was by a little oriental female doctor. She had little tiny fingers.
Ever heard that joke about the guy that goes to the doctor and has a male doctor give him a rectal exam? The doctor stands behind him and says "hold still, I am going to exam your anus now". The doctor starts probing the patient's asshole and it is taking a long time. The patient says "wow doc, your amazing, I can't believe you can do this with both of your hands on my shoulders."

Rigor Rectus's picture

LOL Doniker, too funny...I've only had one rectal exam and it was gross, the doctor did not warn me - I was having the front end probed, pelvic exam, and the stupid female doctor just stuck her finger up my butt without telling me what she was going to do! And matt gibson, if you think it took you numerous wipes to get that gross jelly stuff off, be thankful you're not a girl, we have to use half a box of kleenex to get that slime off once a year!

Phantom Pooper's picture

funny really, im here for the same reason as VR, just pooped and when i wiped was some bright red blood on the tissue (i look at the tissue always to see if im clean or not). so i looked it up on the net and found this.

I think its a bit rediculous though that the whole of cyberspace doesnt have any mediacl info for my numerous searches and there is just this one place, which is actually kinda cool. gah, the stuff u find surfin the net

Phantom Pooper's picture

oh by the way, you think this might have anything to do with my cocaine use? i take other stuff but not as regular as cocaine, and no, i dont snort it up my arse :P ill check tomorrow when i poop, if theres blood then im gonna call the doctor.

davo's picture

My stepfather had a heart attack and almost died from bleeding due to hemmoroids. He recieved a blood transfusion and he said as soon as he got the blood he felt great. Several pills later hes still kickin.

moose's picture

wow... i came here the same reason... i had some BRIGHT red in the toilet and on my toilet tissue just a few mins ago, and it scared me quite a bit....

platelet's picture

I came for the same reason too. Once I thought to type "poop" instead of "fecal" or "feces" in my search.

Idiot's picture

Hehehehe...poop

homosexual's picture

I eat poop for a living..and I've come across a few incidents with bloody turds. But, the blood adds a certain "zing" to the flavoring.

name's picture

wow it's amasing that somany people came here for the same reason.

Rob's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

i hate when people come here and post stupid stuff like homosexual did above

anon's picture

I've had blood in my poop half a year ago, went online and found this, so i thought it'd be alright since it was a once off thing. Now, it happened again, but was once again a once off thing. I'm not even in my 20's yet and there's no history of cancer in my family, but could it be something serious?

Cassie's picture

I eat pickles...a lot... their my favorite food and I just can't stay away from them, recently every time a little while after i eat pickles i get really bad diarehha, but today I pooped blood, and it wasn't just spots of blood, it was turn the bowl of water red kinda blood. Can anyone tell me whats going on or what i can do. Please e-mail me

MARIA's picture

my boyfriend has bright red blood in his stool should i take him to the docter or leave it at that he had it happen once 6 months ago and it did not happen again till today im really afraid it is something serious i think im going to make him go ya he's had the docter put the finger in his butt i dont think he liked thatvery much butim going to have to make him get that again thats gonna be tough but it has to be done !;p

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooperb 9000+ pointsc 8000+ pointsd 7000+ pointse 6000+ pointsf 5000+ pointsg 4000+ pointsh 3000+ pointsi 2000+ pointsj 1000+ pointsk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

came here for the same reason as many. this site's wierd but cool!!

Chester's picture

even me. i found blood in my poop. i'm worried. but someteimes there is but sometimes there's not. thanx for all the info (",)

Poopie Sue's picture

I came here because I too had alot of red blood in my poop. I had diareah and lots of red blood around the poop. Even tinted the water enought to dye easter eggs with! I am a female so I thought the red sea was being parted, but no. Worried I signed on to investigate. I will check my hershey squirts to make sure no more blood has befrended my anus.

yikes's picture

I just had blood in my poop today in the afternoon then later after i ate dinner i pooped blood again. Im not even 20 yet.. but its a relief to think i dont have cancer.. however a lot of people in my family have hemmoroids... could i have them this young? theres no way im getting one of those anal things especially if I dont really have anything wrong.

Red Poop's picture

So what causes the blood in poop again? I don't think I have cancer cause the blood was pretty fast in spreading and not tarry and dark. It was dark when the poop came out with it but when it drips by itself it's bright red. So what causes this? This is the 3rd time I'm pooping out red blood and I haven't gone to my doctor yet. I dont want to get an anal probe... I dont want anything going up my anus.

bob's picture

Lol, today I had poop in my blood too, eew! It was bright red and there wasn't alot of it, it's the first time it's happened to me though, butt ;) my family doesn't have a history of cancer or anything I know of. Hopefully its the last time!

kristen's picture

Haha!! my boyfriend had blood in his poop today too!! (and about 10 times before) in the past 4 years i've been dating him! What a great web page!! I was really scared, but see that there's nothing to worry about! HAHA.. and my little brother just told me he had blood in his poop yesterday! Geeze.. it seems to be happening to everyone! But thanks alot! I know that just saved him a trip to the doctor. By the way.. HAPPY 22nd Birthday Poopy(1/18)!! (thats his nickname from me.. b/c he can get pretty "shitty" about stuff) Good luck to everyone!!

James's picture

I have blood coming out in my crap once a week. And it.s in my crap to as well. What should I do about it. How do I cure the wound

Hershy Hershal's picture

a bandaid... or lots a guaze--- about an intestine length should do...

RIP's picture

hey...thanks for telling everyone about the dark red blood and bright red blood thing.....i pooped today and it had the bright red blood in it, and i was scared, but hearing everyone else talk about it helped me feel better. So from now on, I'll keep an eye on my poopie and hope for the best! YEEEEEHAWWWWW

turd burgular's picture

I've had the same pleasure as of recently. I attributed it to my tight bunger. Does anyone else feel as if their pucker can't accomodate the girth of the log?

Corsair's picture

i just pooped and it was all bloody and orangish and red and it was gross, so i shearched the internet.lol

The Name is ME's picture

Well... phew! So I'm sitting on the pooper, taking a poopie. It felt like it always does, so initially I wasn't absolutely terrified. Anyways, I finish with the poopie, reach for the toilet paper, and wipe. I think we all look at the toilet paper to see when we can stop the repetitive wiping motion. BAM! Along with the poop, there is Blood! Then, speaking of blood, all the blood in my face drains! White as a sheet! I look into the toilet now, actually hoping not to see more... Of course there was more, which didn't make me happy at all. Heh, then of course I start thinking of all the possibilities of what might be wrong. "Am I dying?!" "Do I have cancer?!" "Is there a huge hole in my stomach that will kill me in seconds?!" Then came the psychologically induced "pain" that just happens to be right where your stomach is. "Gasp!" "It's all over, I've got E.Coli and it will surely kill me in seconds!" "Hurry, before I die let me get on to the internet and waste my last moments looking for the answer!" ROFLMAO! Yep... that's what brought me here to this site... looking for the answer so that I could at least type something up to my mommy telling her what happened. "If your reading this Mom, I am dead. You're asking yourself why? I'll tell you. I took a poopie, saw some blood, got scared, logged on to the internet to see what the hell was going on, found out it was nothing and was so damn happy that I jumped up and down, up and down... then I lost my balance and hit my head on... something hard I'm sure, killing me instantly."

Cheers all!

poopshooter's picture

hey this site rocks. i pooped 3 times once in the morning and one at 12 and one at 11 and i bleed the first 2 times but not the last, so i searched google and what do ya know a whole site about poop, thanks poopreport.

The name is ME's picture

Heh, for some reason I have returned to this wonderful website about poop. I don't know why really. It's just that I feel close to you all, like we are all just one big happily pooping family. Isn't it great? I think so too. From now on, I will visit this site everytime I log on to the internet. Yay! I know you're as happy about that as I am, don't try to deny it... ;)

Cheers all!

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Here's a math problem for you:
Finger up my ass= dead, mutilated doctor!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

poop king's picture

man i had blood lines in my poop and i was like what the fuck but then i looked it up and its nothing i am fine and it is cool how i am not the only person that under 20!!!

8 months of poop's picture

I poop w/ the blood too! I don't know what this could be! Its been happening to me since 8 months ago! I don't poop blood everyday, but very frequently I do. AHhhh! i'm tired of the bloody poops!

lots o the poop's picture

i had some blood in my poops for the first time today, nd i was kinda shocked but now i ve seen this website, its kinda relieving, thx everyone.

whatever's picture

If you dont have enough fiber your poop could end up being quite lunpy or hard which could cause blood to show up when you have to go. Softer poops=less blood, so eat all the fiber you can get!

stoopid no fooder's picture

i havn't eaten any food, i drunk grain alcohol, i get bloody poop. you think are related?

two weeks of poop's picture

wow I feel better. I did see a doc. and he didn't even check me. He just said you ust back up. so I was still scared after I left. because he didn't check anything, not even finger up the a@#. then I end up on this web site. now I Feel better I'm not alone and its a common thing.(bloody poop)
thanks,
everyone

bloody arse's picture

nice, poo-blood for me as well. Actually it was more poo then blood.. it first happened last night so I did a mid poo check this morning and no blood... then I checked again at the end and the red train had pulled into the station.. and there were blood spurts around the inside of the bowl, but I reckon only about a shot glass of blood in total, so the EXIT ONLY sign is staying proudly above my bloody anus for the time been, and no Phd of penetration is getting nowhere near..

mmm blood's picture

I love how so many people came here because they just dropped one and found some blood. I came for the same reason :) From what I understand it is pretty common. Especially if you've been going to the bathroom multiple times a day. Wipe gentle young grasshoppers...

Dick's picture

I had had blood a couple times when I was 17 and 22 but after those one-timers I was Ok til I was 47 then it happenned for a few days accompanied with mucus. I went to the doctor who used a glass or clear plastic device to look up the first inch of my asshole and she said I had internal piles. I was perscribed stool-softeners as well as the suppositories which I had to shove up my ass. I later learned that the blood and mucus was a side effect of some antibiotics I was on a week earlier.
I had my prostate checked a few years before but was lucky: A masculine doctor who has large fingers but is man enough to bite his nails to the nubs is a lot safer and better than a woman doctor or a small-fingered non-masculine male doctor with his/her long nails which can cut through the rubber glove and cut up your asshole. I had read a different version of the story where the patient's name was Sam and he called the doctor "Dr. Scratch" due to his long nails which were like a woman's nails.
Gay men be sure to steer clear of any long-nailed dude in a gay bar with a red hankie in his left hip pocket. FF is dangerous even without nails like a woman's.

some 1's picture

yeah i have had a bit of blood come out.. and as you would think all the blood from my faced drained and yeah i felt really bad.. but then my brain kicked in. So i tried looking in the miror to see what i could see, see i had a operation a little wile back had this in grown hair cut out neat my rear and yeah i have like splits around my back end.. which i belive got aguvated by somthing or other and bleed a little bit-- so i am hoping that is all it is... good to read about other ppl in the same boat soory about spelling mistakes i am too tired to spell right

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

My but literally spewed blood this June while I was down in Mammoth. It was pretty nasty but it was nothing more than a burst hemmy.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

im here's picture

wow i feel the same way. i took a dump today and i noticed a tiny red dot on the toliet paper and i was freaked out at first. I did however noticed dark stools about a week or two ago and then i got my anus checked by a doc and he said everything was fine but to stop taking pepto bismal from the diarreah i was having. everything became fine. But thank you for having me not worry poop report

shitterella's picture

I have had blood in my poop for about a month now. Plus lately I have noticed I have lots of mucus in my poop. It even comes out when I fart. I don't get into a specialist until December. RATS. I hate having bum problems.

The Mad Crapper's picture

I too found bright red blood. Not much, just a dollop. What is interesting is I did eat a bunch of pickles last night. Someone else mentioned that. I also did cocaine about 3 days ago, though it was only maybe the 5th time ever. I am 35. Pickles and coke? Interesting. Great site. I feel better having read these posts. Thanks.

Matt's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Hi.. I am Matt, from the UK.. and.. erm... I am a bloody-turd shitter .. :( I went to the bog at 9:20pm tonight, had a turd, looked at the paper (as ya do) lots of bright red spots .. I checked in the basin, holy moses, two little pieces of turn, like rabbit tods, but a bit bigger, BRIGHT red and like fibreous on the outer part.. lovely colour red mind :) but not good .. I am gonna make a turd diary over the next 7 days then go see my GP, see whats wrong with me .. oops.. I can feel another turd comin, .. will keep u posted, pffwwwaart ! oops ...

anonymous_coward's picture

I have had problems with hemmorhoids starting since I was about 20 (I'm now 24). I have an idea on what could be causing mine and I was wondering if it might make sense to any other people here.
The problem is that I think I am very tense and have alot of repressed emotions, etc. and this makes it generally hard to relax, which makes it hard to take a dump. The problems began at a time when I was thinking very vigorously about certain things which seems to relate to this in some sense.
I mentioned it to a doctor but he seemed to dismiss it, but I still think there might be something to it.

Post new comment

  • Allowed HTML tags: s:62:"<em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd> <br>";
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.

More information about formatting options

CAPTCHA
This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
To prevent automated spam submissions leave this field empty.