On Thursday, My Doctor Stuck His Finger Up My Butt.
On Tuesday I found blood in my poop.
It was pretty gross. I'm one of those guys that always looks in the toilet after pooping, I guess to admire my
handiwork. Tuesday I was greeted with a bright red streak that ran along each log, plus some floaty blood in the water. Pretty
gross. That was my morning poop. When the blood reoccurred during my afternoon poop, I called my mommy.
Mommy advised me to call the doctor. So I called the doctor. He asked if there were "copious" amounts of blood in my
stool. He defined "copious" to be "more than a cupful." When I responded negative, he said it was not a big deal
("perhaps just an internal hemorrhoid") and told me to come in for a rectal exam on Thursday.
On Wednesday there was no blood in my poop.
On Thursday morning was no blood in my poop.
On Thursday afternoon I went in for my rectal exam.
Since I'm young and in good health, and there wasn't copious amounts of blood, it probably wasn't colon cancer. But he
wanted to check out my nether regions, just to see what he could see.
I'll call him Dr. K. to protect his anonymity -- I wouldn't want my friends to know if I stuck my finger up his butt,
so I'll afford him equal courtesy.
The nurse took my blood pressure and temperature, and pronounced me fine. After she left, Dr. K. came in and had me
re-describe my problem to him. He listened, repeated his prediction that it wasn't anything major, and told me to drop
So I stood pantsless in front of Dr. K.
"Well, since you're here, I'm going to teach you how to check yourself for testicular cancer."
And so he did. Fellas, pay attention. We should be examining our testicles as often as girls exam their breasts. The
testicles, for those of you who don't know, are egg shaped, with nubs at the top and the bottom, and a tube that runs
down the length of it. So if you feel any other nubs or growths other than those I just mentioned, call your doctor.
Dr. K. looked me in the eye as he felt my left testicle followed by my right, pronouncing my testicles fit as a fiddle.
I was a bit scared that Little Dave would respond inappropriately -- hey, Little Dave has no eyes. I'm sure he thinks
that anyone touching down there must be doing it with my permission, and therefore in an amorous way. But fortunately,
Little Dave showed the proper restraint, and Dr. K. moved on.
After administering a hernia test ("turn your head and cough"), it was time.
"Turn around," said Dr. K.
I turned around.
"Put your elbows on the counter."
I put my elbows on the counter.
Dr. K. opened up a drawer in the counter and took out a tube of K.Y. Jelly.
Dr. K. spread the K.Y. Jelly on his rubber glove clad fingers.
Dr. K. stuck his finger in my butt.
Dr. K. moved his finger around, quickly but carefully exploring the area, searching for any abnormalities.
Dr. K. removed his finger from my butt.
Dr. K. removed his rubber glove and pointed me in the direction of some tissues I could use to wipe up. I discovered I
needed seven or eight return trips to completely wipe up my mess.
"I didn't find any hemorrhoids or any other masses," said Dr. K. "Your prostate feels fine, everything feels fine,"
Dr. K. "I don't think you have anything to worry about," Dr. K. informed me. "Just keep watching your stool in case
something else turns up," Dr. K. requested. "We could send you to a specialist, but I don't think they'd find anything
either," Dr. K. opined.
And so my ordeal was over. It wasn't terrible -- not the most natural event, as one can imagine, but it wasn't
It felt kind of like pooping, except instead of poop going out, it was like a big wriggly poo trying to force its way back
The reason for the blood in my poo remains a mystery. Was it some weird 24-hour colon sickness? Did I drink red paint
without knowing it? Or maybe... was it just my subconscious's way of generating more content for PoopReport?
Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production!
Phew! What a relief! I knew Dr. K. would get to the bottom of my health problems. By boldly going where no man has
gone before, Dr. K. helped me nip my problem in the bud. All he needed was a starship ride around Uranus (good thing I wiped
out all the Klingons before hand!)
And what was the problem? Who knows. Maybe it was psychological -- in which case, perhaps I should go see an analyst.
But since I'm healthy, it's time to celebrate! Bottoms up!
Hey kids -- can you think of any other funny puns related to my recent ass violation? Check out PoopReport's newest
contest: "Funny Terms for a Rectal Exam."