Why do schools make their toilets so oppressive?

The toilets at my high school were pretty bad too. The stalls had no doors, and usually the toilet paper was soaked in piss. I'd hold a loaf all day as it boiled up inside, just to make it home (barely) and unleash the fury. I spent my last two years of high school in a catholic school where the stalls had doors, toilet paper and sanitation. It was bliss.

great story, Doniker. i don't think i ever crapped at school, either.

reading lines like "thorn-covered basketball" makes me want to compile all the crazy descriptions people have given in their stories for the anguish of shit pains. there have been plenty.

I was a shameful shitter in school too. Here are the things about school bathrooms that really suck:

The doors are so low than anyone can stand over them and peek down on you when you are doing your business.

Some kids are fucking rude and will peek when you're trying to do your business. One asshole started trying to climb over a stall into my stall. I saw her hand reaching over to grab the partition and I cracked her fingers good and hard with my eyeglasses case. Cured her of her curiosity in a hurry.

No TP in the dispensers. The FBI should start doing criminal profile studies on the shmucks who trash bathrooms.

If you're being picked on in class, or on the playground, you have to worry about being ambushed in the restrooms.

Toilets are a drag!

In my middle school there were the smart kids and the kids that went to school to gang bang and eat a free lunch. The gang banger would literally beat and rob you if you were in the restroom with a few of them. The trick ws always the same. They would either hide in a stall or simulate urination and when you went in the stall...BAM.

I don't know of anyone I went to high school with who used the bathrooms for their intended purpose. Kids went there to beat up and rob other kids, to smoke, or just to hang out, gossip and reapply raspberry lip gloss. The space could certainly be used in a better way since nobody ever shits or pisses at school anyway.

Doniker, you can do yourself some serious harm holding off on taking a shit especially to that degree of pain. I hope you don't torture your GI tract to quite that degree now.

Beautiful prose...last paragraph reaches heights of poetic beauty "shrouded in the warm stench of the birth and death of my child, I too reached Nirvana -- and in true clarity, I understood the inherent fallacy of Shamefulness"

adude....in my middle school there where smart kids and the kids that went to school to gang bang and eat a free lunch. priceless! i'm still laughing my ass off

Damn that horrible high school toilet paper! It is so thin and scratchy!

At my school, the doors locks arent good so they just sort of star to open after a while.

I've seen guys torture and beat the hell out of toilet paper in restrooms. Sometimes they would use their fist just to beat it enough so it remains on the roll, helpless. The next thing you know a guy goes into the stall and sits on the toilet. You got it. The same toilet paper then is yanked off the roll and first, rest in the guys hand (getting a good whiff of his shit (gagging as it waits)), then it is forced into his ass crack and smeared bad in his dirty ass, then thrown into the toilet, flushed and never to see this world again. Sometimes the guy using the toilet may even chat with his friend with the poor defenseless toilet paper in his hand, knowing that no one will even remotely help it escape from the guys grip. The smell may be bad enough for the friend to back away a little, but the toilet paper has to stay there and take the smell, knowing the worst is yet to come. Great life, isn't it? And to think you guys want us to pity you just because it embarrasses you to use a toilet that doesn't have a stall door. Think how embarrass the toilet paper must feel having a guy holding it so everyone can see it and then have him shove it right in his dirty ass with everyone watching.

I always got pissed off by the weird elliptical nature of school and public restroom toilet paper rolls...you pulled on the end, the roll rose on the spool and then caught on the wall, leaving you with one square of TP, if that. Sometimes I was left with nothing but fragments and was forced to repeat the process until I had a whole handful of hamster bedding with which to wipe. Miserable.

A Friend and Sweet Potato, you guys had me laughing harder than I was when I read this story.

This is probably one of your best, doniker. Well written.

I found PooperScooper's comments also reflect what I'm experiencing as a high school freshman. I have to take a bus to my school and that requires me to leave by 6:30 a.m. My need to have my daily BM usually comes during the 45 minutes I have to wait until my lst hour Gen. Science class. Even before school at least six or eight of the ten or so stalls are taken when I get in there, and although there's doors on all but one of two ofthe stalls, the doors don't latch tightly--sometimes there's a much as a half-inch opening between the door and the stall partition. I can readily see the others as they wait in line peaking in on me. I'm physically underdeveloped for my age--sometimes I'm mistaken for someone in about 6th grade and I don't have a lot of confidence. My mom, who graduated from the same large high school more than 25 years ago, said the restrooms were basically the same even back then. She suggests that I wipe the seat off before sitting down, but I'm oftenin a hurry and forget. She also was taught to not pull her underwear down all the way but rather to keep it up as far as possible so that less of my pubic area is revealed. She also says it causes less contact with the toilet seat and therefore is more sanitary. However, while I'm relieving myself, I've heard fellow students in adjacent stalls in adjacent stalls rush in, sit down with such intensity that you can hear the seat move, do their thing and they are up, wiped and out of their in only 35 to 45 seconds. Am I wrong to be so envious of them?

Mandee, I agree with what you say. I'm in 8th grade in a large middle school and its hard to relieve myself when there are lines for most of the stalls (two stalls don't have doors on them, less students use them but I'm not that brave!)and there is such a short passisng period (four minutes) between classes. Last week I was the first in line and I thought I had lucked out, but when the door opened and a sixth grader (I think) came out, I was pulling down my jeans and just ready to sit down when I noticed the front of the seat was dripping wet and, of course, there was no toilet paper. What I did was place myself at the very back of the seat behind the urine. I had to take my jeans and panties all the way to the floor so they wouldn't get wet while I took my 15-second shit. I asked the girl in the stall to my right to hand me some toilet paper to wipe with, but she found she didn't have any either. I ended up using a sheet of notebook paper from my bookbag to clean with. It was so coarse, I was afraid it would draw blood. As soon as I was done, another girl barged in and promptly sat down in the pee. I was washing my hands when she yelled out that I was a b**** for leaving such a mess. I guess the morale to the story is that you gotta look before you drop yourself down on school toilets because of the squat pissing that is getting worse and worse. Maybe some junior or senior at the high school should author a bill in American Government class to ban squat pissing. Any takers?

Caitlyn, although you don't mind sitting directly on a public toilet seat, lots of us do. When I was still in elementary school my mom would take me into public places and show me how to put toilet paper over the seat before sitting down. On more than one occasion I can remember fans blowing the paper off just as I was about to sit down. That's discouraging when you're 9 or 10 and it takes you several minutes to prepare the seat before sitting down to remove your bowels. I remember being in a service station restroom once and watching my mother take a crap by just spreading her legs and staddling over the toilet. She also pees that way. What she does do, however, is lift the seat with her foot in case there's some splashing. THE PROBLEM IS NOT TOO MANY GIRLS DO THAT AND THEREFORE WE ALL ARE BLAMED FOR THE MESS THAT IS LEFT! I've tried squatting a couple of times but the flow of my pee isn't strong enough to make it to the bowl. Rather it runs down my leg. Sometimes it works for a bowel movement but I usually end up putting paper down and sitting. It's been years since I've sat on an uncovered toilet seat, although most of my friends think nothing of it. What they do complain about is having to wipe the urine off before sitting down. Just yesterday, our head cheerleader and senior class president shouted an obscenity when she asked for cuts on the line for an emergency and ended up putting herself down on one very wet seat. She was further pissed that there was no toilet paper left. I was able to have my BM standing up (although it hurts) and wiped with tissues my mom has taught me to carry in my purse. Although I might have resented it when I was younger, mom definitely knows best!

I agree with Mandee. It's possible to be too paranoid about going to the bathroom at school. Although I hate standing in line, when my stall opens I'm going to use it and get out of there as fast as I can. Yes, the few squat pissers we have do sometimes leave a mess, but I quickly wipe the seat off if there's toilet paper; on a few occasions I've just sit down because getting into another line takes time and I don't want to be late for class. In most cases I need only about 45 seconds to pee and I'm outta there. I flush before I get off the stool that way I don't forget! When I have to move my bowels I generally wait until it's ready to come and no more than 60 seconds on the stool takes care of it. The squating is stupid and when I'm behind one in line, it seems to take forever! Me and my friends think its an abuse of everyone else that's going to use the bathroom. My mom also thinks it sucks. She has taught me that there's nothing wrong with sitting directly on the seat, and my older sister, whose a junior, says the same thing. Those that put so much time into the squating and putting paper all over the seat are morons who are wasteful and just thinking of themselves. As suggested by another writer, I think it should be banned. It would make a lot of us underclassmen happy.

I just sit and go (being male, only when taking a shit that is). I don't worry about the seat (why bother?)

Reader's Digest condensed version of Doniker's story: "Too embarrassed to shit at school, he went home to drop a load. Got there in nick of time and shit."
I have felt your pain man, could have been about me. Only difference, I was a class C burnout - no booze, no drugs, no sports involvement (wasn't good enough), mediocre grades, and not popular. Shitload of zits though. Bigtime zit farmer. Damn, I hated school.

Caitlyn--you've got it right about the squat pissers and they seem to be increasing. What you have to look forward to when you get into high school is even more of these drama queens that think they're better than everyone else. I'm a senior and I've seen an increase in the squatters each year. IT SHOULD BE BANNED! My brother had a friend who was suspended for a day for peeing in a wash basin and threatened with being turned over to the police due to some type of indeceny ordiance. Samantha, I agree with your idea of getting in, down, and out as fast as possible. It works for me! And especially most of my use of the bathroom is between classes and we only have a five-minute passing period. Sometimes, I may stay on the stool a little longer after school when I have a music practice or I am working in art. However, the gross messes on the seats--including actual pieces of shit--sometimes drive me to go upstairs to the 3rd and 4th floors where I find several on which I feel comfortable sitting down. As females, we should be cleaner than the boys. Taking so much toilet paper that you put a mitten of toilet paper around your hand to wipe the seat off, clogs the toilet and forces more of us to use even few of those that remain useable and clean. Those of you who squat and mess up the seats are idiot drama queens who don't think about your classmates who will be using the toilet after you and sitting down. I'm not a cheerleader or class president, but something has to be done when we spend about seven hours a day for about 200 days in school and need to use clean facilities!

Caitlyn, I've been in your situation at least three times this year--once at a concert and the others at school. I like your idea of a legislative bill against the pee splashers who are too stupid or just inconsiderate of the majority of us who will be sitting down. Who wants to write the bill????

Mandee, I tend to agree with you. The faster in and the faster out of a school restroom, the better. It pisses me off to be waiting in line as the next person to use the toilet and peek in and see a person just senselessly sitting there. Produce girl or get up and off the seat so that somebody who can will be able to--and by at least a couple of days before they graduate! Girls who can plop themselves down and go within 30 to 45 seconds are my heros.

Samantha, you are right-on with your comments. Like you, my mom also has taught me and my three sisters that there's nothing you can catch from a school toilet seat. However, as a senior this year I've developed a theory that the squat pissers are more than morons; they are tremendously insecure girls who have no confidence in their ability to spread their legs, hover over the toilet and not touch the seat! Why else would they waste putting all the paper down when they are not going to sit on it anyway? Or is it a conspiracy to prevent you and I from having the toilet paper we need to wipe with? If we hid all the toilet paper one morning, what would the squat pissers do? It would be a crisis situation! I don't need suggestions for our senior class prank in May!

To answer your question, Doniker: Yes, you were a freak.

You are right, Barbie! It would be sooo great if those squat pissers were to come into the large bathroom and not find one stall with the toilet paper they want and waste! THEY ARE MORONS AND HAVE NO CONFIDENCE IN THEIR ABILITY TO GO BY SQUATTING AND THEY WOULD'NT HAVE ANY PAPER TO PUT DOWN TO BACK THEM UP, JUST IN CASE. There wouldn't be enough crisis counselors in our school to deal with the large number of them who would probably choose to "hold it" until they got home. Hmmmm! The seats would be drier and the toilets and floors would be a lot less messy that way. Squat pissers are morons!

As a 15-year-old male, the idea of the legislation to outlaw squat pissing is hilarious. I think you site is great and I as talking to a girl in Alegbra about it today. She thinks the bill should be called "Squat, Succeed, Guaranteed". Why would one want to waste paper by putting it over the seat when you have no attention of sitting down anyway?. I agree, it's something that must have originated from an imbecile! I crap at school two or three times a week and sometimes come into a stall where there is paper down and the shitter has fled without flushing. I feel a program could be written to lock a public toilet door until a person flushes and removes all paper from the seat and floor. A flashing light could remind them of what they need to do in order to get a go-ahead to exit the stall. I suspect things would be a lot cleaner. Also, the program could forbit them access to the main restroom door until they have washed their hands and turned off the water. My sister tells me there would be a lot of classroom tardies at her school because the entry/exit door handles are almost always wet because students don't take the time to wipe their hands. It would also be a check on those who otherwise would have no intention of washing their hands prior to a fast exit. My sister also feels that the program could control the squat pissers because once paper was layered on the seat, they would be required to ACTUALLY SIT DOWN before any exit clearance could be made. That would be great for the guys too because so many just sit and think and in doing so, take up a stall while somebody like me could be having an ass explosion while waiting. Anyway, my algebra study partner and I both think PoopReport.com is one great site! There is a common interest that collectively unites us.

doniker i can so relate to this story.. but beside squat pissing and all that stuff i take 1 minute and im out. although i do get pissed off at those who seem to be sleeping on the friken toilet, damit! neways i could never build up enough courage to drop a bomb. poo that is. but i was wondering, with all that holding, do you like never get gas? LOL.. luckily i don't need to take a bus which is so early in the morning. and i take like a friken 1 anda half spread over 3 hours to take a dump, it may sound funny or sick. ive got it checked out but these low ass doctors cant do s**t about it... thankfully i live pretty close by to school 5 minute drive at 15 mile per hour, my dad tries to help me, my mom bothers me about it.. ive tried holding my load for one week too.. and i almost died. i ended up unloading at a mall in japan.. haha.. i was on an exchange program.. i learned something, everyone does it, nothing to be ashamed about, and honestly i praise the japanese for their toilet inventions and digestive health..someday ill move their.. and hopefully won't be embarrassed about it anymore.

I agree with Jeremy that it would be nice to have some sort of "check" on the squat pissers who line the seat (sometimes with three or four layers) and then won't even sit down. A door that would not activate unless all the wasted paper is taken off the seat and flushed would be great. I would also think that the seat-scanner could include some sort of device that would lock the exit door until any pee or feces is wiped off the seat. I would also suggest that this scanner technology be available for use in beeping or otherwise zapping anyone sitting on a public toilet for more than five minutes. If you haven't been able to pee or dump within five minutes of sitting down, a beep or zap can signal the need to get up and out and allow another person the opportunity to use the stall for what it was intended. Since the problem is bigger than any school's student bathrooms, I would recommend that the technology be applied to all public toilets. Too often I practically shit my pants waiting for a stall to open well beyond 10 or even 15 minutes. Seeing legs moving under the door gives me a hope, but only to have it dashed by the occupant sitting and sitting and not producing.

There have been times at school where I have been constipated, tried to go but not quite ready. When I see or hear somebody waiting for my stall, I vacate it ASAP and then in a few minutes, pick another stall for another try.

As far as I'm concerned, a person using a public toilet should not spend any more time on the stool than they would if they were home and someone else needed to sit down. Any legislation to enforce this would be appreciated.

Twice this past week at school I've been pissed while I've waited in line to piss. The reason is, as Cheyanne points out, the amount of multi-tasking that is going on while students at my school are on the toilet. I thought I was next in line for a stall because I saw movement of the feet and some shuffling of the legs. Rather, it was the occupant reaching down in her purse so that she could answer a cell phone call. She dropped the phone once and I could hear her swear when she almost peed in her jeans when she reached forward to get it. On the other occasion, a friend of mine was seated taking a crap and when I peaked in on her (I heard some farting and dropping) but then it was quiet for several minutes because she was answering her e-mail on her lap top. I ended up giving up waiting, got into another line, took a full shit, and when I was washing my hands, she was still in the stall using her lap top. She apparently had a full stool, but then discovered there was no toilet paper in the stall. When she opened the door for me to hand her some, I could see the lap top open. She didn't seem that concerned when I told her that she was inconsiderate by spending that much time on the toilet. Sometimes, in situations like that, I feel that I should play the drama queen role like some of the younger girls do and make a big deal about having to go upstairs or downstairs just to quickly use the toilet.