wow...good luck with that. Hopefully there will be a simple painless cure.

It's stories like yours that help me to appreciate and remember how lucky I am that I am basically healthy and normal.

Good luck lady. I'm sure the GI doc will be able to diagnose you fine. Congrats on getting yourself to the doctor!

Wow. That was perhaps the most (un)moving story I have ever heard. I am more or less comfortably assuming your story to be true (for who would come up up that and attribute it to themselves). I would like to applaud two details of your account.

1) I hope that in sharing your story you were able to subsitute on brand of letting it all out for another. It takes courage to air this kind of story out; maybe just as much as it does to stick a hose up your ass for 45 minutes on a daily basis. But that's not all it takes,

2) I must say, MacGuyver would be proud. Please tell me you used a Swiss Army Knife in the crafting of your colonic extension. You have displayed a remarkable degree of creativity in relieving yourself. Very clever.

I would like to close with a request. Please write a follow-up report describing 1) the specialist's diagnosis and 2) his reaction to your method of self-assisted and induced defecation.

Once again, your bravery and ingenuity is laudable.

ouch said:

"I am more or less comfortably assuming your story to be true (for who would come up up that and attribute it to themselves)."

A couple of months ago I said that I thought that one of Phaze's stories was total bullshit, and now somebody is always questioning almost every story posted on the front page.

I think Dave is intelligent enough to weed through the bullshit. I am sorry I ever said anything.

'Twas not my intention to express incredulity. I merely meant to draw attention to the fantastic measures to which poor Mrs. SecretYuckHose must resort in order to jump-start her bowels.

Just the same, I apologize for sullying the comment section of the frontpage with intimations of disblief.

I have full confidence in Mr. Dave's ability to select only the finest fecal fables.

Sorry.

You should have your boyfriend tongue your asshole for awhile. Maybe that will stimulate a poo to come out. Just be sure not to let loose while your boyfriend is eating your knot!!

Wouldn't a good fucking in the ass get things moving? I must admit, I love to have a dildo up my ass when I jerk off. But, having to prod my shit with a hose every day, well, that could get old really fast.

I recommend a proctologist and a nutritionist.

"You should have your boyfriend tongue your asshole for awhile. Maybe that will stimulate a poo to come out. Just be sure not to let loose while your boyfriend is eating your knot!!"

the poor girl is simply sharing one of her deepest and darkest and you have to turn it into a sexual thing, and talk down to her. Shame on you! lamo...

I am cringing. I hope it goes well at the doctor. I'm sure I speak for many of us (except the asshole perverts) when I say (1) good luck and (2) keep us posted on what the underlying condition was!

But you are no less a woman for your issue ... and childbirth should be nothing after that ordeal!

I had to manually help myself for years by inserting a digit into my vaginal cavity and press against 'stalled' feces in the rectum. Not really what I would call 'constipated', but still, I had to be creative through logic like our friend here. I also applaud both her interim creativity and her getting medical help. Hopefully they CAN help. Doctors don't always know everything...For me, I just drink TONS of water, using Colonblow, etc...Whatever works, to each his own....

I am sure that the only reason Trouser Chili and Sergio made sexual remarks is because SecretYuckHose made the statement that she was a hot attractive chick in her 20's.

While in fact the comments are rude, I did laugh, due to the fact that like most men I have a dirty mind and some of the old timers on this site may remember I can spew dirty insults with the best of them.

By the way I also love your handle, SecretYuckHose, that made be laugh too.

I am a nervous type who stores tension in my gut, so I tend to get constipated easily--though not as severely as you do. Please, keep that appointment with the GI specialist and do NOT cancel, no matter how tempted you are. Poopreport is full of horror stories from people who damaged their guts because they tolerated hideous problems for years and did not get medical attention until matters became chronic.

I dont know if Dave has posted this yet, but here is a wonderful, informative site from a man your age who cured himself of severe constipation. http://relief6.tripod.com/

You might also try some breathing exercises. There is a method from Chi Gong (Chinese energy meditation) in which you breathe slowly and evenly, using your lower belly as the start point. If you do it right you feel the muscles in your lower abdomen and the small of your back expand and contract. You will gradually relax, feel alert and meditative, and this will promote a relaxation response in your mind, body and gut. I am getting more frequent BMS through the day since using this.

Many of us subconsciously hold our guts in, for fear of having our stomachs hang out. Men are bullied into sucking in gut while in ROTC and in the service; women are scared of looking fat, and often wear very contricting clothing. All this causes a chronically tight gut. If you have tension at work, this makes it even worse.

Please, let us know how you are doing and keep that doctor's appointment!

It is very significant that your problem developed, as you say, rather suddenly about 5 years ago. That alone means you need to see a GI specialist. To get the most benefit from your visit, keep a food diary, try to track how much water you drink, and mail that to the doctor a week before your visit, along with a description of your history and what you've been doing for self treatment. That way the doctor will have some background before you come in, have time to do some research, and narrow down the kinds of questions and tests needed.

Again, good luck and tell us how things turn out.

Your story is so sad. They should make a made-for-TV movie about this. Anyways, I have to go for a shit. I'll be back in like 2 minutes.

im back. One time I was really wasted and had eaten too many egg rolls for supper. I stumbled into the washroom at the bar I was at.

I shit into the toilet and vomitted in front of myself on the floor at the same time. Then I passed out for awhile. A waitress had to escort me out of the washroom. My buddies were waiting, laughing at me. I was in the girls washroom.

Trouser Chili's revolting comments induced me to vomit....fuckin sick freak

I was sitting here trying to think of some perfuming agent a person like YuckHose could add to his/her enema solution so the irrigated splooie wouldn't stink the place up so bad... Pine Sol would probably mess you up, right?

By the way - I believe you are the first person I have ever known to employ the word "extreme" to quantify his/her attractiveness - I cannot imagine what degree of "attractive" this could be... wow.

oooooo! sounds fun!

Here's some expert advice on how to give enemas.

http://216.190.69.19/sample.html

This is from a very long article, 'Constipation and Lifestyle' which has a lot of insightful comments. The author grew up in the deep South and people often became constipated because they were dehydrated in hot weather. Giving enemas was part of repertoire of first aid skills that most people know about.

http://216.190.69.19/constipation.html

Again, please keep your appointment with the doctor.

trouser chili is a god for introducing me to the term "knot".

I dont get it with people like this. Why be too embaressed to see a Doctor? Dont you think we have to see things like this every bloody day? Christ, what is it that makes people so embarresed about these things.

Anyway, the specialist will be able to help you, they always do those specialists.

bleh, weeks? she would have died. Who sticks a hose up her own ass anyway? This story is crap...

I dunno about that hose thing being such a great idea. Soem celebrities like Gillian Anderson are allegedly in good health but have their butts hosed and vaccumed just to be clean but some journal objected to such a practice. I think having some bactieria in your lower intesties in normal and should stay that way to avoid odd cell mutation and other disorders. Do you ever use soapy enemas? If so you might stay away from that at least until you see a professional.

You should keep all of the stuff your boyfriend has done for you in mind when he screws up.

This might be a legitimate story folks.

I suggest you guys read "Born on the Fourth of July" The screenplay that Tom Cruise acted out omited the enemas that Ron Kovic gave himself. Read the book. After he was paralyzed from the waist down he has used a hose and rubbber gloves to empty his bowels. Reading that kind of thing makes you thankful to God that you live a pretty simple life even thou you can't afford that dream car or get that dream date.....it's a blessing to not have to think about going to the restroom.

I'm with bleh. Half way through this story I started questioning if it was for real or not. Some of the people who posted after sort of reitterated my hunch. If it is true, good luck, "...extremely attractive, physically fit female editor in [her] late 20's".

Listen everyone, I happen to know (as an ex-nurse) that hosing your ass is very very dangerous. Do not do that! You will gradually lose the control over your bowels and there's nothing to repair it.

Go to see a doc,don't be ass!

Big Ups to TrouserCHILIisAgod... Knot is one of my favorite words of all time. I use it every day. If I didn't wipe well, I'll say, "My knot itches" or "I have an itchy knot". Or if my girlfriend is getting freaky, I'll ask her to tickle my knot with her tongue.

Now, for all the rest of you lame-ass idiots in this post who believe this story... WAKE THE HELL UP!! Can't you tell this is a fictional piece of work??!? It is a good one and has some pretty good humor, but it is all fabricated. Read the story again and look for the obvious clues that many people have pointed out...

Who refers to themselves as "extremely attractive"?

What does being "educated" have to do with shitting?

What girl refers to "the rest of the package"?

This was obviously written by a guy pretending to be a girl, and it's pretty damn funny. But take is as that, entertainment!!

To Trouser Chili (that too is a hilarious handle), I believe this story. Sure you are entitled to your opinion and sure you may be totally correct in your assumption.

But I believe that I have read enough "crap" to tell which is fact and which is fiction.

I know women that have used "extremely attractive, educated, and rest of the package" to describe themselves and other women.

doniker - I've tried my hardest to take a step back and believe this story, but I just can't!! Who would go for 5 years with this problem without seeing a doctor?!? To top it all off, "she" says she has to be calm while using the hose, so she usually READS!! How could one possibly sit on a toilet, push a hose up their knothole and read at the same time?!?! There's no way I can turn the page of a Playboy magazine while I'm trying to crank one out on the toilet. I just don't have enough hands to do it!!

Being a NE Ohio guy myself, I have to say the chances of this story being true are about the same chances that the Indians are going to win the World Series next year...

I just don't buy it, but you're right, we are all entitled to our own opinions... I hope everybody can see the humor in my previous comments.

I'm a sick freak, and I just can't help it.

Trouser Chili- your from NE Ohio too? Small world...what city (e-mail me if you don't want to broadcast it).

You can actually bust a nut looking at Playboy? Now thats fiction. I probably could have during my younger days, but now I need something alot more hard core.

jump friend high longer

I tend to not go for the "physically fit look" Women

like that,resemble men more then ladies. I don't want a

women who looks like a damn twizzler stick.I like soft

sexy Marilyn Monroe curves.

"educated" people would more then likely go to the doctor right away. If there was something seriously wrong with them, they would want to live,instead of losing all their assets.

"Not to mention nice" Well, maybey in a dry, concieted

sort of way. Sounds more like a bitch in heels.

Your so full of yourself, and from your story it shows.

If this story is true I'm giving an opinion, if its not

lmao.

I don't care if the story is true or not. I once had a patient who did that same thing to himself every day. We couldn't get him to stop. His bowels stopped functioning. For ever.

Wow, that doesn't sound good I am glad you went to a doctor I am sure they will some how be able to help. Hey if you could e-mail me what happens ok I am extremely curious to know!

"I am an attractive -- AND educated -- not to mention nice", that's an obvious recipe for "CONCEITED BITCH". I agree with Mr. Damn here. I am italian and let me tell you, we enjoy the meat on our women, aside from that, I dont pity you and your "hose" problem,

wow. thats all i can say.

oh god this is disgusting...you should see a doctor pronto.

What surprises me is that you can maneuver the hose around the poker that's obviously stuck up your conceited (but attractive, educated and nice) ass.

That shit is fucked up. Literally.

ive had this problem for 15yrs.It has something to do with breathing and relaxing.Excellent post by the person w/the info on holding your gut in.I would like to here more from u.

I sympathise with you totally, I've had this problem with my digestive system for years as well. It seemed to start in my teens. The doctor told me to eat plenty of fruit & vegetables, drink litres of water, and go to the gym whenever I could. I did all this and I still only went to the bathroom about once in two weeks. I had no energy and felt like I was heavily pregnant all the time.

My solution was the same as yours, i.e. to spend around an hour hosing myself out. It takes forever and a day and my husband complains bitterly about the smell that fills the house.

He has treated me badly and threatened to leave me on many occasions and won't invite any friends around the house.

We did arrange to have a high-powered fan installed to blow away the smell which has helped, but there have been many "accidents" where I have soiled the carpets around the home and had to get them professionally cleaned.

I'm really at a loss as what else to do. It's so depressing, but at least I'm not the only one with this terrible problem. I feel that I'm at the end of my tether and if my husband leaves me I don't know what I'll do...

Doris

Hey, have any of you heard that the new thing is hollywood is to get coffee enemas shot up your ass? The stars swear by it. And can you believe my high school Economics teacher told me that? I love school!

Thank you, Mr. Sauer!

I totally agree with pooperoni and damn. she was only saying that because she wanted the men to think it was sexual

Coffee enemas? I can imagine what that would give rise to... "The best part of wakin' up... is Folgers in your butt!"

Total, fucking utter bullshit story.

The poopsmith. I must say. Your teacher loves Fight Club. That coffee enema thing is bushit. It's a reference to Fight Club "Looks like he had his grande latte enema today". That would be extremely harmful. Not to mention painful, it's hard enough getting cold things up there, hot things would be too much.

I've been doing this for the past couple of years and don't see any problem with it. After having children and changing a few nappies you tend to put shit in contest... There aint nothin in the world like a clean bum.

When i was pregnant i had mad problems shitting and cause i was only 14 i would be in school and i would have to like stay in the bathroon forever trying to get the shit out it was terrible i never thought of resorting to a hose up my ass....wish i knew that trick in the book.

I feel very sorry for you yet im glad you found a method that works for you you poor thing

I have had serious problems with constipation for about 15 years. I'm a normal, 32 year old man of normal weight and no health problems. I have discussed constipation with my doctor on numerous occasions. He keeps saying drink more water, eat more fiber, etc. I jog, exercise regularly and I'm in good physical condition. I started using and enema about once a weekly several years ago. About a year ago, I discovered using the shower massage hose to give myself an enema. I don't allow the warm water to run at a high pressure and do not repeat the process until I am clear. I do it once, hold the water in my gut for about five minutes, sit on the toilet and let it go. I always feel better. My doctor has said that it it's not good to use enemas repeatedly, but he also said they are no worse than laxatives. I will also add that I have had a colonoscopy that revealed no problems. I think I just inherited my dad's sluggish bowels.

What's with the obsessional "IM SO ATTRACTIVE" bullshit

since i became vegetarian I haven't had problems with incontenance and am in my late 20's. I believe its having beans every day.

So what's the follow up? What did the doc say?

I find that a warm enema with a mild mix of bar ivory baby soap works fine for constaption, I got the same type when i was kid and they always worked no matter how plugged up i was, A lot better than any fleets enemas or oral laxatives i had in the past, Yhe nice thing about a soapy 3 h enema it works right away no waiting around untill a laxative does its thing which can take from 3 to 8 hrs, And there is a simple soultion to the bathroom oder, Open a window, burn a match,or just turn on the exhaust fan.

PLEASE ***stop*** doing that! You need to see a doctor - it's urgently important. Don't you realize that by using that method, you're risking creating a *tear* in the entrance area to where your intestines are? That's not safe... a tear, I'm told, can actually endanger your *life*. In fact, that's the same problem (risk!) that people encounter if they injure themselves during certain activities with that part of the body. But often people don't realize that certain things are very risky. Anything that might create a tear in the entrance and/or lining is potentially a threat to your health/life etc... you need to go to a doctor who specializes in Gastroenterology. A gastroenterologist can diagnose your problem... it sounds like you're similar to me. I was born with certain bowel conditions.

Another fake-sounding story about someone stuffing a hose up their ass. Boo.

Happy trails,
L. Wrong
Chairman & CEO, PPK Industries

This story is not unbelievable. There are actually two products advertised on the net that are designed for this purpose- which is essentially a home colonic. One is a hospital grade machine called the PIE which uses pulsed currents of water to clear impactions, and another is the colema board-
Wheelchair bound individuals often have these issues, as do the elderly. Both of these methods are designed to be a more hygenic way of cleansing if this is something you really have to do.
There are certain diseases that cause a lack of peristalsis (movement in the intestines) which also cause chonic constipation.
Celiac disease and Hirschsprung's are the two examples which readily come to mind. Muscle relaxers and certain meds (as well as alcohol) can also slow you down and dehydrate you, causing a worsening of the problem. The best thing to do is find a GOOD doctor; someone who know what he/she is doing- and not load up on symptom treating meds. You need to find out WHY this happens. If you don't, you could end up with an ostomy- not the end of the world, but to be avoided if possible. Best of luck- seriously.

Cascara wrote "[O]ne is a hospital grade machine called the PIE which uses pulsed currents of water to clear impactions"....

I wonder if they advertise it as an "Ass Water Pic"? hehe

If this story is for real, I feel for the lady because the condition won't improve until she finds a proctologist or alternative treatment specialist who will work with her.

doniker writes, in the first post, about "how lucky I am that I am basically healthy and normal."

We all, of course, assume you are not referring to your mental state, O best-beloved little-d.

As to the author herself, I notice she's never been back here, unless anonymously. I hope this meant she got the help she needed, and not something worse. However, for anyone out there with a similar problem, please see the many, many discussions on this site about the use of the bidet. Interestingly, a recent Consumer Report entitled "The Most Bidet For The Buck" concludes that a toilet-mounted bidet is an excellent "makeshift enema." The reporter there writes:

"If you've ever experienced a stool so dry and hard it almost rips your o-ring coming out or even gets stuck halfway, you would give a hundred dollars for one good burst from this bidet. When I get on the throne in the morning, I give myself a good shot before I defecate, thus lubing the pipes. Then even the largest, driest, most difficult logjam slips easily out. After a normal movement, even when I think I'm clean, I relax the sphincter and give myself a squirt right up the middle and into the lower part of the colon. One would scarcely believe the stuff that's left in one's colon after defecation. Usually several more substantial chunks of fudge come out -- chunks which would otherwise have been there festering until the next movement."

Since this doesn't involve inserting any device into the anus, it would seem to avoid the danger of loss of sphincter tone inherent in regular enemas, anal sex, or other such activities.

Something to think about, anyway!

Another, more horrible thought: "I am an extremely attractive, physically fit female editor in my late 20's," perfectly describes none other than our beloved AB2K.

Is there something going on here that friends need to know?

Dumpster, sorry, I'm neither extremely attractive nor physically fit, and I'm a tech supporter, not an editor.

As to your two self-derogatory comments, remember I have seen your wedding pictures, so I beg to differ.

And who the fuck helps Dave "edit" PR, if not you?

Everybody--notice that she DID NOT respond to the principal question? Run for Congress, babe--you've got what it takes to dodge the issues!

Geez, I thought my comment would basically spell out "no." I do not stick hoses in my ass.

(Someone [*cough*Bunga*cough*] is probably going to say "Does Mr. Blaster stick his hose in your ass?" for comedic effect.)

If Bunga will get his ass on back here.

I'm sure Bunga's just having a fun weekend, unlike the rest of us who are spending all of our time on Poopreport.

If Bunga holds true to form, just as he prepares to quench the fire in hole #1, something will squirt out of hole #2 to quench the fire in all holes.

Anyway, he'll have a good poop story. That's all some of us have to look forward to, these days.

Hey, I was at a Habitat-like thing this weekend. What was I to doo?

I sent Dave a shit story on Tuesday, he has yet to repond that he at least recived it. Maybe Dave's on vacation, but at least I put in my part to get some stories up.

Actually AB, that usually is my line I think.
If I say it, will you put Lame Post on me?

Cascara, hmmmn? Have you read novels by Diana Gabaldon, or are you an herbalist?

Blah Blah Blah. Just post pictures. Now. Preferably naked. I'll decide on the extremely part.

Easy there DD. (though I wouldn't mind seeing what this girl looks like either).

SYH, you may very well have a case of IBS-C. I have gone through the same thing that you are talking about.

Try drinking more water and eating more roughage. That should make a world of difference.
_______
It's not nice to fool mother nature.

Wow, an attractive woman with poop problems. That must make anal sex an uncomfortable proposition! Although, daily enemas must make it very clean!

I do wonder what her being attractive had to do with her having a poop problem. Maybe the author was trying to make sure we understand she's normal and not a freak. After all, we do judge so much of a person on appearance in our society.

I will never understand why people don't go to the doctor for poop problems. Ever.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Don't do that!! If you must use an enema, use a different method. Your "poop-removal apparatus" is connected directly to the water line, and if anything prevented the water from coming out, the pressure would be sufficient to rupture your colon and *KILL YOU*. It does not matter if it's not turned up very high, the potential is the same if it's only a trickle. (Not what you wanted to hear, eh?) If you're still alive to read this and you don't believe me, get a pig's intestine (quite similar to a human intestine), put your hose in the ass end, tie off the other end, pinch it around the hose(forming a seal), and turn on the water. That should cure this habit. Would you rather face the embarrasment of seeing a doctor, who has seen things like this before, or would you rather be found dead in your bathroom, with a hose up your ass and poopy water gushing out a gaping hole in your abdomen (and possibly your mouth)?

Use an enema bag or something.

I had the same problem! Turns out with bodybuilding's high-protein, low-fat diet, low-fiber diet, you get a full package special of hemorrhoids and inhuman constipation....

I did the shower-hose thing myself for about a month before a good buddy of mine noticed the blood in my unflushed toilet one day (oops!) He just told me to eat wheaties, drink more water, and strain less while on the crapper.

Luckily, I don't have the problem anymore--I just hope those docs can fix your ass!

here i sit, brokenhearted
tried to shit, but only farted
oh it would be eternal bliss
if i could shit, or even piss.