A Woman's First Shart

// // 77 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

The professor for my nutrition class in college instructed us to go for two feet worth of floaters every day. I always check to make sure I've averaged out over the day, and I've always gone to bed secure in the knowledge that my two feet's worth really floated. Good enough.

Within the past three months I have altered my diet so that now I eat mostly vegetarian fare. Not strict -- the occasional roasted chicken or broiled fish get thrown in -- but my diet has been fairly clean over the last couple of months. I noticed that my floaters have sort of morphed into rabbit pellets, but I am still pretty regular, so I figured all was well in the land down under. But last night I ventured beyond my rabbit fodder and ate Chinese. Not just steamed rice and veggies, either. A friend had ordered some sesame chicken -- breaded, deep-fried, unidentifiable parts of the oldest chicken in the roost, drowned in sauce and greasier than a baby pig at a state fair during the 4-H competitions.

The first bite was glorious. The second slid down uneasily after it, and the third hit the first two with a sickening thud somewhere in my stomach. That was all I could take. Right then and there I vowed to never eat Chinese from the mall's food court ever, ever again.

As I crawled into bed, my stomach began literally howling at me in protest. I felt like Ripley in Alien; I expected some thing to emerge from my midsection, ripping my innards to shreds in the process. No such luck, though. All day today my stomach rumbled and howled, setting off several false alarms as I ran panicked to the loo, disrobed, but nothing happened -- until that fateful moment, as my children innocently frolicked near the pond, as the sinking sun illuminated my front yard...

I felt the urge to fart as I never have before; and when I let loose, it was not air that emerged. I finally knew what it meant to shart. Horrified, I squeezed my cheeks and ran into the bathroom to confirm my worst fears. There was something liquidy and brown, with an ungodly stench, sitting in my lace panties. I had always heard about skid marks, but here I was, branded with the mark of shame, a thirty-year-old loser who can't even make it to the little girl's room to 'powder her nose.' Contractions that could only rival childbirth gripped my stomach and I grunted and squeezed like never in my life -- even, again, during childbirth. Somewhere in the background, the Mormon Tabernacle Choir was singing the Hallelujuah chorus as each squeeze produced the most satisfying release known to man.

I wiped, and I wiped, and it just kept coming. I wiped and I wiped some more, and then stood to make sure I had gotten it all, and then five minutes later realized that the sloppy soup was still drizzling out of me.

Finally finished the grand dame of all craps, I looked down and stared. Somehow it never occurred to me in the process that I had pooped a really, really lot. My hasty pudding had piled high enough to pass the water mark! Being the inquisitive soul that I am, I leaned way over and tried to estimate how high. I figure that my pyramid of poop cleared the water line by a good two inches. Impressive! This might be an everyday achievement for the big boys, but I had filled the bowl and topped her off for the first time in my life.

These were no ordinary little rabbit turds, either. This was one solid, steaming, pulsating mass of intestinal sludge, producing a scent so heinous the potty god himself was bowing to my offering.

And do you know what? I felt empowered like I never have before! This is where we girls level the playing field! You guys can stand and deliver for #1, but you have to drop them and squat like the rest of us when it comes to the better half.

Please do not inundate me with requests for my panties. I'm getting them bronzed.

-- Juli Pooli

77 Comments on "A Woman's First Shart"

Poopster39's picture
l 100+ points

You're definitely my kind of woman. Are you British? You used the word "loo". I also loved the phrase "hasty pudding." Great story. You made me laugh. (BTW: How does one measure 2 feet worth a day. Is there a system?)

Bunghole Delight's picture

I don't get it.

C Everett Poop's picture

I didn't think women shit. My wife does.

ThreePly's picture

The way you described them, I figured they've already been bronzed. Congrats on your bowl-filling feat.

Meat's picture

bravo!

Logjam's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

It's amazing what a productive shit can do for the ego. Juli, given the empowering outcome of the Chinese chicken, are you sure you

Logjam

downunder's picture

bravo madame bravo

you've really made my eve. There's nothing like tucking up when it's raining on the French riviera and reading a really great brown story.
Shart on luv.

downunder's picture

I agree with logjam i bet you're at it already 'ay. aren'tchya 'ay i would be.

AssBlaster2000's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardj 1000+ points

I am eating sesame chicken as I type this. Mmmmmm. Maybe I will be able to fill the bowl as well.

Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ points

I've said it before and I'll say is again... There is just something wrong hearing a woman describe her pooping.

-Pill Pooper

My mother sucks cocks in hell's picture

Good One!!!!

Marcos's picture

...disturbing.

=============================
OT: anyone here play World of Warcraft?

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Great story. I am surprised that you did not spackle your knickers during pregnancy.

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

roxie's picture

good poop story!

willieboy's picture

u have nothing on me, once I took a 2 hour crap and i forgot to give it a courdesy flush. THe crap was touching my butt before i realized my mistake

Never-you-mind's picture

Wow. It conjures up memories of "poop soup"- once, when I was a toddler, I had the runs and I crapped in the bathtub, turning my clean bathwater into toilet stew.

Turd77's picture

not to change the subject or anything but who was watching the chilfren frolick near the pond while you piled it high? i worry about you people who do not power dump

Log Flume's picture

Wow, nevermind Chinese. Never eat at any mall "foodcourt" they are overpriced and vile.Remember when there were no foodcourts in malls? life was better then.

shitass's picture

This story, more than any other i have read to date, justifies a nice store bought greeting card delivered to the author.

dumpie doo's picture

your story touched me deep deep down, i to have sharted, but in a niteclub whilest on a date.So i put up a big cheer to you my shit stained sister.

Shypoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

i must say i have never experienced a shart, but i would imagine the surpirise. on a date dumpie doo? that sucks. congrats on filling the bowl juli!

Fart Poopie's picture

Wow. I feel bad for your panties.
Good story.
I have to share what happened to me today.
I was speeding home today because I needed to pee like you wouldn't believe. I was at a light when I realized there was no way I was going to make it so I pulled up to a Wal-Mart there. I will never go to the bathroom at wal-mart again... ever. There was only one stall open and it reeked in there. I hovered over the seat to pee because they were out of seat liners. When I flushed, the water came out stinking of shit and brown. Some idiot must have crapped in the toilet tank. Damn those dirty, nasty women. Who the hell thinks to shit in the tank? Damn them.

Di Uhreea's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

"...I wiped some more, and then stood to make sure I had gotten it all, and then five minutes later realized that the sloppy soup was still drizzling out of me."

Then what? It was still coming out of you? So was it running down your legs? Five minutes later, were you cleaning yourself up or were you done? Please clarify.

turdster127's picture

What a stupid, pointless story.

Long and Pointy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Ripley wasn't the one from whose stomach something popped out. Ripley was Sigourney Weaver's character.

stroydle's picture

Great story!! Brings a tear to my eye to see a happy ending.

Fart Poopie's picture

Turdster, the point is she crapped her pants.

Turtle Head's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I liked it. Ignore the naysayers and critics. This isn't art, it's POOP! So, even the slightest bit of artistic writing is appreciated. Well done, and all hail bad chinese food! The buffet always gets me good!

pooperator's picture

lol

Effyou's picture

If you wanna battle email me....i just had to say, all these stupid low grade citizens who nitpick over small portions of the story can shit themselves dry. Just read the fuc_ing story and shut the fu_k up, you squabbling jack as_es.

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

A woman SHARTED? This should be published in the New York Times. I sharted at my old job (12 hour shifts) and had to make a post-shart MANPON.

the chocolate kiss's picture

You know, the critics are just alot of pedantic ass holes. There aren't too many women who admit to shitting themselves, and there are bound to be numerous ones, we all get a tummy upset now and again. Eat shit, turdster, why bother looking at this site if you don't come with a sense of humour? I agree with Effyou.

Anonymous visitor's picture

why are you all so much a @#$&ing critic? just read, and enjoy, for crying out loud!! insults not included... ( or wanted )

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I experienced my first shart a year ago, and I'm a woman. Welcome to the ranks of Woman Sharters United, Juli.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Yeah!! Those sharts are crafty!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Oooooh!!! I ate Chinese for lunch yesterday, and if I thought a pair of lace panties would help bring on the runs, I would put them on NOW!!!

This is a great story! One that my girlfriend, Hermione, would call a "four-knee slapper" (if she were into scatology like we are, that is).

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points

I just came across this, a tremendous story. I hope Juli Pooli is still with us and can answer this question. Weren't your panties already bronzed?

Fecal Follies's picture
l 100+ points

"four-knee slapper"? Whatsat?

Slapping your knee four times whilst laughing?

And it burns, burns, burns -
The ring of fire.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Good story, Julie Poolie. Makes me want Chinese food! Hmmn...I'm off work, tomorrow. China Palace!

Did you get called Julie Poolie as a child? It sounds like something a kid would say in a taunting voice.

Ledhead71's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

ah, a womens first shart. what a glorious time in your life.

Anonymous Person Laughing's picture

Ok, so that story was so funny, but i feel bad that you, uh... sharted. :)

boredmhum.'s picture

Haha.
this is great,
I sharted once.
I was playing around with my little bro.
when i got up and threw him down while putting my butt-cheeks on his face and i meant to fart.
but sadly i sharted

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

Yesterday, I woke up with a shart.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

I should mention that I wear boy draws for paajamas at night. They are made to absorb sharts. I wear the lacy panties during the day. I get really mad if I shart the lacys because it stains and the panties are very expensive.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Lil Ryan's picture

i remember last year in grade 7 i sharted during recess and made my briefs brown. the funny part was i made a chick puke everywhere from the smell :P

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Wow, Ryan. If a middle school chick pukes from the smell of your shart, well, then she's a keeper. As a sign of your affections, you should make of gift of your besmudged Fruit of the Looms.

P.S. To really impress her, wash your own underwear because, if you're man enough to soil'em, then you're man enough to wash'em.
_______
My special needs student crapped in your honor roll student's backpack.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

MikeyDaWeasel's picture

I applaud the author and laugh at the critics and cynics. I'll be sharing this story with others.

sittingpretty's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

MikeyDaWeasel, how about registering and making your name official. You will have a blast.
_______
...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

...And their flesh like dung. Zeph. 1:17

Russell's picture
l 100+ points

I don't remember ever sharting but chinese food does give me the runs. Julie, drink doctor pepper after eating chinese food.
_______
Russell the shitting queen

Russell the shitting queen

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

You should have taken a can of whipping cream and topped it off with a "dollop" and then added a cherrie to the hot fudge sundae.

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