Shithouse Central

Posted 07.31.2003 by Mad Shittah (76)

When I shared an apartment with a longtime friend Brian, it was affectionately known to us as Shithouse Central. Located near downtown Birmingham, it was a safe house for us mad, mad, shitters for the few years we lived there. The bathroom there should be considered a national landmark after all the abuse and misuse it withstood. The great thing about this apartment was its location -- minutes from the restaurants we loved. After I moved out and left the place to Brian, it was still one of my favorite stops to blow out some ass pudding.

Brian and I have had a longstanding respect for each other's abilities to shit immediately after every meal. I could tell you countless tales of us driving up on two screeching wheels, car doors open, fighting each other as we climbed the stairs to the door. Calling "dibs" didn't mean anything when the pressure was on and Herve Villachez was trying to work his way out of your ass.

This particular story actually took place the week Brian moved out. We had emptied the place and done some minor cleaning, and all he had left to do was return the key to the office. Naturally he put this off for a few days because he is a lazy bastard. But it was his good fortune he did -- because still having that key saved his ass.

We met at Kenny Rogers' Roasters for lunch, and had the usual greasy Kenny goodness. For anyone unfamiliar with the Roasters, it's like renting food. Sometimes I think it would be easier to pay for the food and have someone throw it in a toilet for you. They should change the name to Kenny Rogers' Rotgut.

After going our separate ways, Brian headed out for his new place, but was hit with a sudden and mind-numbing wave of shitcramps. You know the kind -- a cold sweat hits your body, and you start smiling uncontrollably and talking to yourself like a lunatic. He said it felt like someone had given him a hot potato enema. His system wasn't adjusted to the extra ten mile drive to his new house, and he had no choice but to put on his hazard lights, pull off I-65, and head to Shithouse Central one last time.

His seatbelt was off and his pants were unbuttoned as he pulled up. He fumbled for the entryway door key, and then bound up the stairs like a bear with a flagpole up its ass. Door key in hand, he was surprised to find the apartment door was already open. As he dashed inside, he noticed a toolbox in the hallway and some furnace filters leaning against the wall.

Running on instincts alone, Brian hit the light and fan switch and threw his pants down while twirling, squatting, and releasing all in one fluid movement. Wet flames leaped from his asshole ass and he preceded to spackle the porcelain. All the while he was wondering who else was in the apartment. Noticing the bathroom was much cleaner than it had ever been in the last few years, he realized the Mexican family that cleaned for the landlord was there! These people lived on the bottom floor facing the rear of the units, and didn't speak a lick of English. Of course the only Spanish Brian spoke was items from menus and words he maid up.

Now, Brian was in the eye of the hurricane, so to speak, and really couldn't leave his post. He heard someone talking outside the door, but couldn't make out anything they were saying. Then there was a knock on the door. He saw that the bathroom door wasn't locked, but he couldn't reach the knob from the toilet. "Hola," a voice said. Brain paused for a second, and then replied, "Hello."

By this time he was sweating bullets. The idea of being caught shitting this nasty stew somewhere he wasn't supposed to be didn't appeal to him. He had the sudden fear that they might go get the landlord, and he would be busted. The lady knocked again and said, "¿Hola?" one more time.

Desperately trying to think of something that would let her know he wasn't some freak off the street, Brian came up with this jewel: "¡Occupiedo previoso! ¡Occupiedo previoso! ¡Occupiedo goddamn previoso!"

Anyone that speaks Spanish will tell you that "occupiedo previoso" doesn't mean "previous occupant" in Spanish -- or in any other language, for that matter. He started to wipe himself off as the knob turned and the Mexican lady busted in and started beating him with a broom while screaming at the top of her lungs. Brian warded off her attack with his left arm as he tried to pull his pants up and get the hell out of there. He pushed past her and hopped down the hall, still yelling, "¡Occupiedo previoso! ¡Occupiedo previoso!"

He was in his car within seconds, and laughed the whole ten miles home. To this day, this is still one of our favorite Shithouse Central stories. More of those to come.

-- Mad Shittah

email this page | printer friendly version

ThreePly (not verified) -- 07.31.2003

Aw man, I'm laughing my hangover away after that one. I loved your friend's makeshift spanish. I never thought of it before, but my "gotta shit!" mannerisms are exactly as you described. Why do we smile like that when we really gotta take a shit? On top of that, why do we talk to ourselves when the evacuation urgency arises? Are we coaching ourselves? Or maybe I'm the only one. Oh man, I gotta beer shit kicking me from within. Better go slay this beast.

Bravo Mad Shittah!

Alex (not verified) -- 07.31.2003

haha very funny story

Jeff B (159) -- 07.31.2003

Great story. "Ass pudding", "rented food"

I'm going to introduce those terms in my everyday lexicon.

Kung Poo (91) -- 07.31.2003

This story made me wish that I paid more attention in Spanish.

Carlos (69) -- 07.31.2003

Haha, that is one for the ages. Even if he was the previous occupant...she should have at least let him finish evicting his turds. You just don't interrupt a man's shit time. Great story.

Di Uhreea (410) -- 07.31.2003

Freakin' hilarious!! I liked how he was still yelling his newfound Spanish while running down the hallway.

Funny how the immediate shit over-rides the "dibs" call on the toilet. In our house, "Shotgun on the Potty" will always give the throne to the caller. We don't get the post-feed shits, though.

Mad Shittah (76) -- 07.31.2003

Thanks for the great comments. I sent this link to Brian, and needless to say he wasnt too trhilled I shared his story. He said I should have plenty of my own since I am such an accomplished shittah!

Mrs Shameless Shitter (not verified) -- 08.01.2003

I found this site about 4 days ago, and haven't stopped laughing my ass off ever since! I was raised on toilet humor, and knew definitively I had found my soulmate when my boyfriend shamelessly plugged the toilet at my parents' house in New Jersey after flying out to meet them for the first time. After their initial horror (and $100 plumbing bill), they fell in love with him, too, and we've been happily married for almost 13 years. My husband Mark has shamelessly clogged toilets on every continent, and he has no problem whatsoever calling the Front Desk at a 5-star resort and asking for a plumber or a plunger! We have lived in 5 different homes together, and the very first thing we do when we move in (usually BEFORE we move in) is to replace all existing toilets with Toto brand toilets, the "Cadillac of Bowls."

Until I found this site, I admit I was actually ashamed of my husband's toilet behavior, but now ... well, I'm darn proud to be married to a Shameless Shitter!

crappercritic (not verified) -- 08.01.2003

mad shittah- your posts are usually lint-ridden cumburgers, but the herve villachez reference shines a new light upon you. the plane the plane!!!!

Slim Jim Junkie (not verified) -- 08.01.2003

Not speaking Spanish can be deadly in the state of Texas. I get many horror stories down there.

Super Pooper (not verified) -- 08.05.2003

Great story. Poetic, in a way. It's nice that people can feel so comfortable sharing their shitting stories with complete strangers, and giving names, too, even just a first name. It is a natural process and there is nothing to be ashamed of. And, Mrs. Shameless Shitter, why are Toto Toilets called that? Is it because they have the power to suck down a small dog? That's strong! Where can I get one?

Slim Jim Junkie (not verified) -- 08.05.2003

Toto is a Japanese company, and most of the Japanese language is two-letter syllables.

Poo sheistah (not verified) -- 08.06.2003

"Lint-ridden cumburgers." You sound like you speak from experience, you herpes-infested, half-wit eunuch (yah, look it up, asshole). By the way, mad shittah, great story.

Mad Shittah (76) -- 08.07.2003

Thanks. I agree, crappercritic is a piece of garbage, and his opinion is useless. But, WTF.

Super Pooper (not verified) -- 08.09.2003

Slim Jim Junkie: what are some of your stories from down there?

Poo Sheistah (not verified) -- 08.09.2003

WTF...what the fuck?

Slim Jim Junkie (not verified) -- 08.10.2003

My story that was in "Poop of the week" was about eating too many jalepenos and not having enough TP.

Super Pooper (not verified) -- 08.10.2003

Eww, but funny.

Poo Sheistah, what's your problem?

Poo sheistah (not verified) -- 08.10.2003

I didn't know what wtf stood for, Super Pooper...I was guessing what it meant -> "what the fuck,"...and hey, Mad Shittah, if that's what it does stand for, I totally understand what you mean, and I apologize.

Poo sheistah (not verified) -- 08.10.2003

...if you were referring to my rather flagrant depiction of crappercritic, Super Pooper, then allow me to explain my position. Whether or not crappercritic's comments are in jest, they are still unwarranted. I understand that my verbal assault on crappercritic was not provoked, but still, people rarely challenge his or her ignorance, and I decided to voice my opinion. If I have offended any of you readers out there, my profound apologies.

bIG POOPER (not verified) -- 11.17.2003

this story is bullshit

Its almost like brian was being watched bye the story teller. the details are too many.

Sorry I call BS. You fag noob.

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 02.22.2004

"Sometimes I think it would be easier to pay for the food and have someone throw it in the toilet for you."

Ha ha ha ha!!!! The same can be said for most fast food places. Especially Taco Bell. Kenny Rogers, Roasted no longer exists for good reason.

deadBird (not verified) -- 08.04.2005

Ha... Occupiedo previoso probably means something like "TOILET THIEF" in Spanish.

DungDaddy (1386) -- 11.06.2006

I love that story. Something similar happened to me once. I'll have to write it up.

"Of course the only Spanish Brian spoke was items from menus and words he maid up." That's excellent.

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 07.30.2007

This was a very funny read. Thanks!
Producing waste since 1967

pristine-assed girl (15) -- 08.01.2008

This story was hilarious!! Occupiedo Previoso doesn't mean anything in Spanish, but it surely resembles jeringozo, that is an invented language spoken mainly by children (at least here in Argentina). The part about "renting" the food made me laugh so hard I started coughing. Great story!!