poopreport : Stories About Poop :

Shock and Aww

Posted 12.16.2003 by Gloot Shoot (10)
I was staying at the Holiday Inn, and they have a continental breakfast, which is very cool. You go down to the lobby looking like you slept in your Dockers and Members Only jacket. You have not shaved or showered, but that's OK. Everyone else there looks just as awful, except for the 81-year-old couple from Omaha. They've been up since five AM walking their Pomeranian that they snuck into their room. I know because I heard it growling most of the night.

Toast, cereal and orange juice sound great. Something not too heavy. Perfect. I don't have to drive anywhere and shower and dress first.

I put the bread in the toaster and wait. The retiree has a fishing cap on that reads "Jale Bait." Is this some kind of fishing lure that he purchased on television? Has he got a complimentary tee shirt?

The other people in the room consist of the following: a middle age business guy who looks much like me, reading the paper; a truck driver of some kind who weighs more than 300 pounds; a cute female next to whom I would like to go sit but I'm sure isn't single so I'd look like an idiot; and a few other sad souls.

We all smell something burning. There's smoke coming from the toaster. I grab a knife and stick it in to release the toast and am immediately shocked. The current goes up my hands and through my shoulders and I cannot release the knife for a couple of seconds. This is crazy. I didn't know a toaster could do this. My teeth begin to chatter and I scream, "Someone turn this thing off!"

They all sit there like I'm mad. No one expected a show during breakfast. Finally I am able to drop the knife and I lose my balance and tumble backwards, ass over teakettle, onto the floor. I land awkwardly and hit my tailbone. The pain is indescribable and I curl up and call out, "Ahhhh!" That damn toaster!"

By this time every eye is on me as I writhe in agony on the floor. Suddenly everyone there is concerned for me.

It takes a few minutes to get me up and when they help me to the sofa I lose control of my bowel. The mud pie squeaks out of my crack just before they lower me down. Now the couch needs to be steam cleaned.

This nice little breakfast has turned into a carnival. I've been shocked, bruised, and had my poop, and I haven't even had my breakfast. That toaster could be used for capital punishment!

-- Gloot Shoot



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Di (not verified) -- 12.16.2003

You is talkin' loco and I like it....

quasimoto (not verified) -- 12.16.2003

Dude, you spent too long setting up the story, and too little time on the interesting (shitting) part of it.

Maybe you can sue the hotel for injuries from the defective toaster, even though it's your own fault.

Youre Bad (not verified) -- 12.16.2003

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Tydirium (516) -- 12.16.2003

I've read that prisoners have to void themselves before going to the chair so that they don't shit themselves when they're caught. Imagine the hypocracy of a system that wants to kill you but doesn't want to embarass you. But I digress. Funny story!

Justa Girl (not verified) -- 12.16.2003

Nothing this interesting has ever happened when we've stayed at a Holiday Inn. I feel ripped off. I've never heard of anyone who actually stuck a metal utensil in the toaster. I guess I just hang around people who are a bit smarter than that.

poofortoiletfoo (not verified) -- 12.16.2003

Niceee................. Another wierd way to shock and shit yourself added to the Benjamin Franklin award.

Mudd (64) -- 12.16.2003

Had you died - you would have wound up on the Darwin Awards. Also, was your poop burnt?

Chip Brown (201) -- 12.16.2003

That was a lame story. Must be Dave's getting hard up for some content on the front page.

Dave (11561) -- 12.16.2003

i thought it was really funny, actually.

doniker (1525) -- 12.16.2003

your right chip, this was weak.

I have got to lose this writer's block and save PoopReport!!!!

doniker (1525) -- 12.16.2003

it was funny.....just weak

Tydirium (516) -- 12.16.2003

the only thing poopreport needs is for people to stop being so arbitrarily negative.

doniker (1525) -- 12.16.2003

I'm not negative. only truthful. I liked this fucking story. But this is PoopReport. There was only a slight blurb about shitting. The story was weak. Who cares what that old man's hat said; what was the old man doing when he saw the dude shit the couch??

trouble (not verified) -- 12.16.2003

doniker...u speak like poetry man...

Vatfryer (not verified) -- 12.16.2003

I think this story was really written by Jessica Simpson.

The Shit Volcano (3719) -- 12.16.2003

Why didn't you unplug the thing first? Also, I too would like to know. Was your poop burnt? For the prices I pay at Holiday Inn I deserve to see something this funny!

Billious (50) -- 12.16.2003

Dude, come the fuck on. You KNOW better than to put a knife in a toaster. I mean EVERYONE knows that! This is like, lesson #1 in the Handbook of Shit Not To Do.

Besides that, a brilliantly funny episode if it actually happened!

Poopedem (55) -- 12.17.2003

I thought it was funny too. Imagine being the spectator, watching this guy doing something obviously dumb and then crapping his pants. It's hilarious!

AssBlaster2000 (1117) -- 12.17.2003

I stick knives in the toaster all the time. I'm livin' on the edge, man. How the fuck else are you supposed to get the bagels out? However, being an educated idiot, I somehow manage not to allow the knife to make contact with the metal parts of the toaster, thus avoiding shitting myself. I like to call this intelligent stupidity.

And the story was funny, though the poop reference was brief. But it was too funny not to let that go. My only suggestion to make it better would have been to provide vsiuals. The mind's eye could not do this one justice.

Chip Brown (201) -- 12.17.2003

I concur with Doniker. It was funny and well written. However, it was only marginally a "poop report". To remain true to our craft we must avoid "mission creep". Stick to the core issues. Poop-first-and-foremost, the rest is just filler.

bleep (not verified) -- 12.19.2003

next time use a plastic knife

Azazel (not verified) -- 01.03.2004

They gave you a real metal knife for your breakfast? Last time I was there all they had was plastic eating tools, so I just crammed down 5 donuts instead of trying my hand at the toast...

Poop Care Professional (not verified) -- 01.14.2004

This story seems a bit suspect to me. As a nurse, I have taken care of people that experienced the awesome power of electricity up close, but if they were unable to pull away they were also unable to speak. I think you are trying to hard.

The Shit Volcano (3719) -- 02.07.2004

Who cares! It was funny!

CLAUS (not verified) -- 03.04.2004

I from coutry iceland were it snowy very. My pleasingness food is toast spreaded with poo. i found website and think cool very and a large very fan of it. POO AND TOAST IS GREAT.

DungDaddy (1369) -- 11.25.2006

I had a cute comment, but then I read this from soembody cslled Mudd: "Had you died - you would have wound up on the Darwin Awards. Also, was your poop burnt?"

healthy 1 (1421) -- 12.16.2006

At least you didn't fall ass over toaster.

Next time you stick a knife in the toaster, either unplug it or make sure the knife doesn't touch the coils. I know, you had your eye on that hot chick on the other side of the room, and you weren't paying any attention to what you were doing. Then, ZAP.

You could say that when you laid eyes on her, the sparks flew, literally.
_______
"If December be changeable and mild, the whole winter will remain a child."

The Thunderous ... (656) -- 12.16.2006

Yes we need to hear more details about the dump itself. Did you fart? Details man I want details. Yes was your poop burnt?

doniker (1525) -- 12.16.2006

The Thunderous ... (61) -- 12.16.2006
Yes we need to hear more details about the dump itself. Did you fart? Details man I want details. Yes was your poop burnt?
----
It always blows my mind when people comment and ask the author of a story to respond to a story that was written several years ago; especially when, like in this case, the author was a "one hit wonder".

The odds of Gloot Shoot ever reading your comment are slim to none.
Hell, you probably won't even read this comment to you.

The Thunderous ... (656) -- 12.16.2006

ahhhh sorry there doniker but i am having such a great time here. kinda lost track of the timing of the story. Sorry fella.

phatmanxxl (151) -- 12.16.2007

Sounds like a skit from a Tom Green movie

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