The Simultaneous Pooper

Posted 01.17.2001 by Dave (11538)

Did you see the movie Timecode that came out Summer 2000? In Timecode, the screen was divided into four segments, and each segment followed a character as they went about their business -- so you got to watch all the different characters simultaneously, and follow their seperate exploits at the exact same time.

With that in mind, peruse the following TRUE story, which follows the simultaneous action of two seperate poopers...

Dave	Dave's coworker
MORNING, ONE FINE DAY. Dave gets into work and enjoys a bagel and coffee. After a few hours of hard work at inadequate pay, his stomach starts a-rumblin'...	MORNING, ONE FINE DAY. Dave's co-worker gets into work and enjoys a breakfast that probably consisted of refriend beans and a couple of gallons of milk. After a few hours of hard work, his stomach starts a-rumblin'...
Being the ever-dillegent worker that he is, Dave decides to wait two more minutes before adjourning to the little boys' room.	Dave's coworker adjourns to the little boys' room.
Dave enters the little boys' room. He goes to the left stall, noting the right is already occupied.	Dave's coworker picks up his newspaper, and prepares to do his business.
Dave unbuckles, pulls down, sits down. He wishes there was a newspaper for him to read. Customarily, there is a newspaper in the left stall, but the occupant of the right stall appears to have liberated it.	After finishing his article, Dave's coworker begins to let loose.
Dave begins to let loose. From under the wall dividing the stalls, just as Dave's business is about to begin, a defeaning fart emerges. "PPBbBBthththt!!!!!"	Dave's coworker lets loose a deafening fart. "PPBbBBthththt!!!!!"
Dave looks up, confused. He knows he didn't feel anything come out, but the sound (which was so loud, it appeared to come from within Dave's own stall) suggests otherwise.	Dave's coworker utters a quiet sigh of relief.
Dave tries again.	"PPBbBBPPBBBPth!!!!!"
Dave is confused. What is malfunctioning, his ears or his sphincter nerves?	Another inaudable, content sigh.
Dave pushes.	"Pbbbpptththt!!!!!!"
Dave checks the toilet. Nothing there. He pauses.	Dave's coworker gathers his strength.
Dave tries again. A meek, tentative push.	"Pssvvvttt"
Pause.	Pause.
Push.	"Pfffttt"
Pause.	Pause...
Paauusse...	Paauusse...
Pauuuuuuuuse...	"PPpBLATTTTTppfftttshshsht!!!"
"A-ha!!" thinks Dave.	"Pbbbshth!!!" "PPFffffttblllaaat!!!!" "Sppllltittt ttHGNGNGTHTHTgh chchchchc PPTT ppppttt!!!!"
Dave smiles, relieved. His sphincter nerves haven't failed him after all!	"BLLATTT!!! BLAPPPPOW!!! BZZZChhhhpppt!!!!"
Now that all the confusion has been cleared up, Dave finally lets loose. "Pbbbt." "Ptthhhhhh." "Szzszzszzpbt."	Dave's coworker lets loose his grand finale, a trumpet fanfare followed by a dwindling buzz, similar to the sound bagpipes make as they deflate. "BLAAA!!!aaa TTaaaaTT!!mmm nnnn nnnnn nnnnnnnnzzzzz zzssssww wwwwmmmwwwmmm."
"Whew!" Dave wipes his brow with relief, and then wipes his ass with toilet paper.	"Man!!!" Dave's coworker wipes the sweat from his brow, and then wipes the leftovers from his brown eye.
Dave sits quietly, patiently waiting for his coworker to leave. There is no way he wants to make eye contact with whoever that was!	Dave's coworker puts down the newspaper, stands up, pulls up, washes up, and leaves.

-- Dave

Like Dave? He's featured in The Journal of Ass Production!

email this page | printer friendly version

Fake (not verified) -- 06.26.2001

Great line #1: "Dave wipes his brow with relief, and then wipes his ass with toilet paper."

Fake (not verified) -- 06.26.2001

Great line #2: "Dave's coworker wipes the sweat off his brow, and then wipes the leftovers from his brown eye. "

John (74) -- 07.01.2001

Enjoyed the "Poopcode" emmensely, still wiping the tears of laughter. Dave, you should be in the movies, or at least direct one. Again I say, let the cameras in!

Zeek (not verified) -- 10.19.2001

I'd say that puts "Dueling Banjos" to shame.

Jen (not verified) -- 04.22.2002

That was some funny shit Dave!! I was crying I was laughing so hard!

Lame comment!

katile (not verified) -- 05.01.2003

like this one day i saw poopand i didnt know where it was comin from then i saw that it was me!!!!!!!!

Lame comment!

kelie (not verified) -- 05.01.2003

EWWWW I THOUGHT THAT WAS GROSS DAVE WHATS YOUR PROBLEM I NEVER HAD TO GO THAT BAD AND I AM ALREADY 19!!!!! PSSSS...... BYE!~!~!~!~!

zelia broderick !!! (not verified) -- 05.02.2003

that was funny but this is even funnier!!~and its not on me!~!! once me and my best friend shannon were at our grand union,store, and we had to go to the bathroom. so my mom said hurry up i dont want to loose you!so we tried but when we got in there this wierd lady ran into a stall and let it all out! ~ewwww~ so we started to make farting sounds to (but with our mouths) and she said "girls i think you two shall leave because it is going to smell and we were only 9 or 10 years old so we started laughing hesterichaly !@! so we ran out and later on we saw her buying her everyday products and she said "sorry about that" "i have constapation problems"and then she said "but there is 1 more thing i must tell you and she farted again like she didnt think every one in the store was gonna look at her" we laughed again!!!! now thats funny her name is samie pattersin lol

Lame comment!

kenzie l. (not verified) -- 05.09.2003

hi this is me speaking and i just want to say that all these stories are discusting (no competition) so um..... good bye o and i am have ing a party in new york city. may 27th on 54th street 102** lol bi!

zachary (not verified) -- 05.10.2003

hi this is zachary. (call me zach) i am a college student in yale college. i just wanted to say that this web site is crazy! who would want to talk about there shit stories? not me so i just wanted to say this. i just came on this site because i just wanted to see what it was like!! bye (your dude man.)

sabrina (not verified) -- 05.11.2003

zach i go to yale to maybe we could meet at the park one sunny day and have sex! lol love ya

Lame comment!

Domine de Morte (not verified) -- 06.06.2003

The Shit Volcano (3646) -- 10.01.2004

Dave, you made my day! I was bored, so I started browsing the old stories. This one had me laughing so hard that my sides ached and the dog had to come over to see what was bugging me. This one is an overlooked classic. Re-post it sometime, man!

Logjam (2356) -- 01.17.2006

Wow. An oldie but goodie. Funny as hell. And I'm surprised we haven't seen this parallel-world device used more often on PoopReport. This story just couldn't have been told effectively in any other way.

KeepOnCrappin (545) -- 01.24.2006

Wow. Lets see if we can get another parallel like this some time.

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 01.25.2006

Hilarious!
You should have, at least, tried to peek through the door and see who it was.

Shitty Lawyer (not verified) -- 05.08.2006

This is the funniest thing I have ever read. Seriously. It was five minutes before I could type this.

Double Flush (582) -- 05.08.2006

I laughed so hard I sharted! And yes, I know it was me, I'm the only thing in the room that can make a sound like that. Awesome work, Dave!

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

The Dumpster (2510) -- 05.08.2006

Dave, unless I miss my guess, this is one of the very earliest PR stories?

You may have told us this somewhere else, but exactly what day did PR first appear? I think we ought to start planning some type of "anus-versary" celebration, don't you?

Double Flush (582) -- 05.08.2006

A PoopReport anniversary party would be awesome! I'd love to take part, so don't hesitate to let me know if we're going to celebrate sometime!

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

DungDaddy (1364) -- 09.04.2006

What's wrong with refried beans and 16 pounds of milk for breakfast?

loaf pincher (72) -- 05.02.2007

Funny i can understand your worry but what are the odds?