"six shooter" "Starbucks" "buckshot" -- oh dave aren't you ever so clever.

MC: sounds like the caffiene to me. I'd switch to decaf, or maybe cut down to only 3 shots, which is still enough to kill a large dog.

I think you just suffered from the caffiene - I've had similar experiences. I am a law student at the U. of Iowa, and there is a coffee house in town called The Java House. Well, they have a drink called the "All Nighter", which is made with half & half, FIVE shots of espresso, and some kind of sweet syrup - I think it is caramel, but I don't remember. Anyway, being a major procrastinator, I frequently face late night study sessions, plus I share your love for coffee. This is, of course, a recepie for disaster.

One night I was at the Java House and I figured what the hell and I ordered the All Nighter. I learned the hard way that 5 shots of espresso, mixed with high-sugar syrup, is a bad idea. My whole body was on overload - my teeth were chattering, I could not sit still, my heart raced, my head pounded, and I was constantly going to the bathroom to fart, piss, crap, or some combination. I couldn't stay at the Java House because my lower gut was in serious pain. Still, in the 15 minute walk home, I managed to stain my shorts. Everything I ate would run through me in an hour or less. I did not sleep until the next afternoon, when I think my body just collapsed from exhaustion. By that point I was dehydrated and I had fully cleaned out my colon.

The lesson to be learned is that there is a reason why espresso is seved in those little cups - because you are only supposed to take that small amount. The human body is just not meant to ingest the amount of caffiene present in five (or six, in your case) shots of espresso.

MC- Kudos! I've got a few stories here too (on the site), but yours struck a chord with me. I think I'm a bit jaded by life now, but your story hit me in a particularly poignent way; I too love Coffee, Dave's insanity and pretty much everything else you mentioned. I too have experienced SIMILAR reactions to yours (although not as poetic/funny/nearly fatal). I guess what I'm trying to say is, "Thank you for making me laugh again!"

Dude, You Rock.

Back in the good old days when I was a teenage runaway, I had nothin better to do than hang out at a certain java city. I had some friends who worked there and would collect those stamped cards for a free beverage and I'd redeem them for a 14-16 ounce cup full of espresso, I'd say between 10-16 shots, depending on the barista. Then I'd go home and drink up whilst cutting and pasting various potty oriented art projects. At some point in this caffeine slamming fiasco, I'd skip eating, as to experiance the full effect of the java... needless to say, I'd spend at least half night running to a from to toilet, squirting out liquid ooze that smelled just about the same as it did on the way in. Caffeine IS a diuretic, but mixed with an empty tummy and youthfl ignorance, its a recipe for a diarhhia-filled-funfest. Yay for poo!

"and I started farting out liquid firebombs, hot, stingy wind biscuits thick with aerated poo goo. " This is quite arguably the best report on poop EVER. I love that you thought you might be dying. I laughed so hard my nose ran. Love your stuff, Mastercrapper!

used to be a drink that a local coffee shop in muskogee, oklahoma made, called a '747'.

it was 7 shots of espresso, 4 shots of heavy cream, and 7 shots of caffienated ("one shot chocolate= one shot of espresso" caffienated) chocolate, served cold so you could drink it fast!

woo!

we used to live on 'em in highschool.

Yes, Master you definitely gave yourself a case of 'caffiene induced tachycardia'. Caffiene is a powerful heart stimulant--it used to be prescribed as such, back in the 19th century. Some people even have psychotic reactions from caffiene OD's.

I did this to myself in college. I took one too many Vivarin tablets--200mg caffiene tablets. Because I am totally unable to shit except at home, I didnt get diarrhea, but I did get a fast heartbeat, the sweats, and a mild case of dissociation--I felt spacey, as though looking at the world through a pane of glass.

If you love coffee and ever have a chance to sample Peet's I highly recommend it. But dont do more than a double espresso because Peet's is the strongest coffee on the planet--stronger than Starbucks, and it tastes much better.

In Frisco, many coffee houses serve an evil concoction that goes by the name of 'hammerhead' or 'depth charge'--a tall pint sized glass of coffee with two shots of espresso in it.

Pooperscooper -- I'm all about Peet's. I've gone in just eight short months from regarding coffee as a tool for wakefulness to actually cultivating a palate for it. In a world where people specialize in single-origin cacao seeds (see "The Mastercrap") I guess I shouldn't be surprised that there are advocates for separate coffee brands. I really like Peet's. There's a Peets in Harvard Square right near where I live and they have scharffen berger chocolate there, which I use when I bake brownies. I think I'm over my heart-ache from the coffee (the post dated back to 2002 sometime) but I'm not ready for a depth charge or a 747 ... a small Americano for this large Americano suits me just fine.

There is a store in the city I live in, a trendy yuppie overpriced kind of supermarket, where they sell a very expensive 'gourmet' coffee, I believe the price is somewhere around $100/lb. I had heard about this from friends so had to go see for myself if it was true. What makes it so special? It is coffee beans which have been fed to cats, who pass the beans undigested and whole, in their feces. The beans are then collected and sold to idiots who will buy into this bullshit...the coffee is supposed to have a special aroma/taste due to the process and being excreted in cat shit. So I visited the Yuppie Mart and inquired about the cat poo coffee, and the clerk informed me that unfortunately they were out, some gentleman had purchased their entire supply. I burst out laughing...that there could be some freak who would actually spend the money on such a product! When I first heard about the process I did suspect that perhaps this type of coffee is what we were being served in the cafeteria at my workplace...figuring that could be the only thing to account for its taste....until I heard it was expensive. Nevertheless, the work coffee still tastes like shit.

Great story Mastercrapper, but be careful with such excess amounts of caffeine, they wreak havoc with your heart rate and could be dangerous.

I've heard about the poop coffee too, although I thought it was pooped by a monkey, not a cat. I don't remember exactly - and does it really matter? Just proves the old saying that a fool and their money are soon parted. I haven't seen the poop coffee in Iowa City yet, but I'll be sure to let everyone know if it should turn up. For now I'd rather take the consequences of drinking an "All Nighter" than drink poop coffee.

I like folgers, also the first time i made espresso i missed up damn 8 shots in one capaco (sic cup ) i smoked a lot og cogs that night

i am an M.D. you are hilarious! Just so you know-- you had a major anxiety attack--fueled by the caffiene, mixed with small amounts of lingering alcohol. i promise!

Scatwoman, Pooper...it's neither. True, the animal that craps out the coffee beans is often called a civet cat--but it's not a real cat, more of a weaselly critter.

Dude ur hilarious

Masshole morons? Hey buddy im from Mass, thats not nice >:-0

Sounds like dehydration had a big part to play in it.
I, myself, CANNOT drink coffee if I'm hung over.

I don't know how you do it.

"If you don't like coffee, well, I can't help you. See somebody about that." I couldn't agree more with that statement. I drink it constantly and I'm never constipated.

_______
"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

It's a good thing you didn't die of heart failure. The medics would have found you and then they would have had a story to tell for the rest of their lives about the 30 year-old who died with poop in his pants.

One of the all time best Poop Reports from one of the all time best PoopReporters.

Can't wait until next year at this time so I can read it again.

I agree, doniker. This one's a classic!

If you've read the story, "Hatchet", the pilot has horrible gas just before he kicks it. I was worried about MC, there, for a minute! :)

I was actually shitting while I was reading this. Great story.

ohh caffiene. I drank like 5 shots of espresso via starbucks doubleshots, and ended up in the emergency room because I had a seizure. I guess it takes less for smaller people (5'7, 135... not really all that small..)