Skoal And Groans

PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

You all call it Shameful Shitting. I call it performance anxiety. I cannot poop in a public toilet, nor can I drop a log in a Port-a-Potty. It's my own commode or no commode. I can crap in hotels, but only as long as no one is around. I have no problem pissing in public -- I could piss on the lady behind the counter at Wendy's without so much as a second thought. But dropping my skivvies to back out a deuce -- if it's not my own can, I can't get even a grain of salt out my dumper.

Maybe it goes back to when I was a child. Maybe my mother scolded me when I was on the crapper, or maybe I overflowed the toilet in the public bathroom and was harangued by a janitor. Damned if I know. All I am sure of is that I have a problem and I see no end in sight. I've mastered the art of clench and breath. It's almost a game to me, to see how long I can go without crapping my pants. I've lost total bowel control only a handful of times, so I think I've done pretty damn well.

My story takes place in high school, way back in the nineties. It used to be my ritual to drink a cup of coffee in the morning before heading out to school. It would wake me up as well as fill the belly, killing two birds with one stone. The problem, as I learned at the tender age of fifteen: coffee makes me shit. That fact made for many scary rides home, clenched and cramped over the steering wheel during my short lunch break.

One winter day I rose at 4:30 and headed out to an early morning wrestling tournament. I grabbed a nice big cup of coffee at the local convenience store for the long ride ahead. Mistake number one. I sat down on the bus and slipped into java euphoria. Thirty minutes later, I finished my coffee and decided to chase it with a nice big mouthful of cherry Skoal. Mistake number two. As I sat back with my big mouthful of dip, spitting into my empty coffee cup, the bus hit what I can only imagine was a crater. The bus caught air, and so did my dip; and upon impact, down into my belly it went. Mistake number three.

After about twenty minutes, the nausea set in. I curled myself up into a ball, trying to avoid impending doom. About thirty minutes later, we arrived at the school where the tourney was being held. After weighing in, I sat my crippled self down in the corner of the gym. And then my belly started gurgling as the coffee and Skoal began making sweet love in my stomach.

Like two salsa dancers, the coffee and the Skoal were gyrating and shaking their way through my intestine. I felt them kick every inch of my lower intestine, until they made it down to the colon. And then they rested. Being the young dumbass that I was, I figured I could walk it off. I got up and walked around a bit, and I did feel a little better. Perhaps the demons within had retreated to their cave in my colon. An ill-conceived smile crept to my face -- I thought I had beaten the mighty grogan.

About ten minutes later, my colon began to convulse and contract like a baby bird waiting for its mother to drop a tasty worm in its mouth. The pain was intense, like someone shot me in the guts with a shotgun. I needed a toilet and I needed one NOW.

I scurried my crippled ass to the locker room. I found an empty stall and sat down to let the demons out. I yanked off my sweats as fast I could and threw my ass down on the pot. And then... nothing. A few ripe farts, but no turd. Nothing. I sat for a minute or two, debating whether to wait or to leave. This mighty grogan was playing a stinky game of cat and mouse.

I rose up, defeated, and then it hit me. A wave of molten lava spewed forth from my ass with the strength of Old Faithful. I blasted shit everywhere -- on the seat, the floor, on the tank, even some on the stall walls. It was horrific. It looked like someone slaughtered a cow.
A total of five tsunami blasts came forth from my dirt hole that day, each one more horrendous then the last. After each, a thunderous fart would follow, shaking the stall and echoing throughout the locker room. Other athletes began to shout, "Goddam! How 'bout a courtesy flush?" But I paid them no mind. I was expelling liquefied organs through my shit hole as they sat and laughed.

After the fifth wave, my poor bung began to dry heave, expelling whatever gaseous matter was left within. I sat for a few minutes, sweating, straining, thinking. Was it over? Was there another wave to come? Were there reinforcements hiding behind enemy lines, ready to make their entrance (or exit, if you will) once I pulled up my drawers?

I rose from the debauched throne and surveyed the damage. Mud everywhere -- like someone had dropped an M80 in a bag of mulch. It was a murder scene. Thank God there was one of those industrial-size toilet paper rolls in there. My poor fart box, though, convulsed every time I brought a piece of toilet paper near, as if it was going to try and consume it.

The good thing about school toilets is their strength -- those things could swallow a turkey. I used about half the roll trying to cleanse my swollen sphincter. I hit the button with my shoe (since it was covered with my release), and made my hasty exist. What I left behind will probably cost me five hundred years in purgatory. I'm sorry, Mr. Janitor, or whoever had to clean up that mess!

I went out to the gym and laid down in a ball, totally exhausted. Still, I ended up taking third overall in the tourney. That was the first time I have ever used a public shitter -- and with God's grace, will be the last.

-- Pill Pooper

44 Comments on "Skoal And Groans"

Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

I never sat back down, I just kind of hovered and prayed to God the entire time to make the pain stop. The first was blasted all over everything and there was NO WAY I was sitting down after that. I would have take a shower but I was in NEWARK, NJ. The showers looked worse then the bathrooms. I just cleaned up as bast as I could. I mean it was a bathroom in Newark, I'm sure they've seen worse. This was the first and last time I've ever dipped. One and done. To this day, I can't even be near someone dipping without getting nauseus. Glad you all liked the story, there's more to come from this shameful shitter.

-Pill Pooper

Chuck's picture

Consider the size crap you took, maybe you could have wrestled in the next weight class down. Newark, spent two weekends there. What a hellhole.

a young friend's picture

Man dude, if that toilet could talk, can you imagine what it would of said as you were abusing it that way? Sounds as though the toilet paper got some pretty rough treatment by you also.

werewolf pooping on trees's picture

'All shall feel the wrath of my mighty ass!'
That reminds me of the time I was watching the extended version of LOTR Two Towers when Gimli says 'he's got my axe embedded in his nervous system!' Well, he was sitting on the orc he was talking about, and 'axe' sounded like something else
sry if no one gets a laugh from that

Skid Marky Mark's picture

Yo, yo, it's tha' Skidster, makin' his return, droppin' phat poops on the pizzle. Check it out, bro, tha' Skidster once had a similar episode hisself. I wuz chillin' wif mah homies, Sir Poops-a-Lot and Crap Daddy, when alla sudden tha' 5-0s come rollin' up on us. I done swallowed my stash wif a quickness, 'cause tha Skidster don't need to get busted. Five ounces of chronic down tha Skidster's throat, true dat.

Next day, I wuz at mah babymamma's house when alla sudden--DAY-UM!--my ass done exploded all over her living room. I dropped mad poops on the floor as I headed to the boom-boom room, but it wuz too late. By the time I got mah ass on the pot, all that was left was one li'l rabbit turd. Babymamma done thowed me out and wouldn't return my calls. Biznitch.

So I hear you bro--Skoal or chronic, they both nasty to swallow. Til' next time, stay off the pipe and don't forget to wip. Skidster out!

Mike Reynolds's picture

Great story Pill! I don't think I've ever stood up while shitting. Although the turtle head has reared his ugly head a few times just a split second before my cheeks hit the seat. Did you crap on your sweatpants? Did anyone figure it out?

Slim Jim Junkie's picture

It seems like a year ago, Commode-o-dragon wrote another poop report about Dip Shit. However, your story seems even more horror filled, as the coffee multiplied the danger.

And how can you do 500 years purgatory time if you couldn't do anything about what caused you to Dip Shit. The most you could get is time for tobacco use.

Blah, I'm glad I don' believe that stuff.

Crapola's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ points

Good one! I laughed-a-lot!

Thanks, Pill

Piece Out!

Skid Marky Mark's picture

Oh yea, and I gots to thow out mad props to mah homeboy HR Poopnsquirt, fo' not callin' "first post" up there. Now see, y'all, that be class. Word up. Just pop a FP and walk away all like a stone cold playah.

Poop Is My Friend's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I've missed you Mark :-P

Funny, I would have thought you'd have to shower after having explosive standing up shits, and also sitting on the turd splattered seats.

ThreePly's picture

"Finally, the Skid HAS COME BACK to PoopReport!"

I tried dipping once with a friend who dipped all the time. I have never been so close to puking, without puking in my life. I wanted to puke so bad but nothing ever happened. I can't imagine swallowing a dip. That shit's just nasty. Now, the very scent of dip triggerss a mean gag reflex.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

You should have cleaned the seat and floor, you dirty bastard.

The Emir of Crapistan

Turd Burglar's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Man, I need to go get some of that stuff now. I got some bowls to terrorize. All shall feel the wrath of my mighty ass!

The Great Cornholio's picture

The streets will flow with the poop of the nonbelievers!

Chuck's picture

'feine and 'tine, the colonic combination. Good story.

H R Poopnsquirt's picture

Man, I hated the kids that dipped back when I was in school. I thought it was nasty, but I had no idea there were poop implications!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Did you sit back down after the first blast, or did you continue to stand, as you had probably spewed poop on the toilet seat, too? I'm confused about this part.
I was thinking that your friends figured out what happened when they saw the toilet later?
Please tell us!

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

A well-written variation on the swallowed tobacco quick johns. That's nasty! It just goes to show that you should chew tobacco.

I laughed my ass off, but I feel sorry for the janitor after that eruption.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Chris Gahl's picture

This is rediculously fake. Let me explain why:
The dip is stuck between your teeth and lip; you won't swallow it just because a bus hits a pot hole. You wouldnt even swallow it if the bus drove off a cliff. There is no way in hell you could shit five times with each one being an eruption of enormous proprtions. Just because you stood up doen't mean you can't manage to make the .001 second trip back down to the toilet seat before you crap. This website is really nothing but lies, and lame ones at that.

a young friend's picture

If this website is such a fake, why do you bother to waste your time with it Chris Gahl?

We all enjoy it.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

There may be fakes amongst this website, and this could be one of them.
However, if you are so sure of your position of fakeness, why are you an anonymous coward?
Seems to me that you lack any fortitude to follow through with your belief.

.....hugging bunnies since 1969

Jason's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

"And then my belly started gurgling as the coffee and Skoal began making sweet love in my stomach."

That's fucking PRICELESS!

I'm guessing the schools up there don't really crack down on tobacco use; and that this must have happened terribly recently, as Cherry Skoal is a relatively new product.

Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

This is in face a true story. This was the first time I had ever dipped. I didn't know where to even put the stuff. I stuck a big hunk of this crap in my mouth between my cheek and teeth and just sat there. I probably swallowed some of the chew spit also... I moved it out behind my teeth for a second and that's when we hit the pothole. You've never been chewing gum and hit a pothole and swallowed it? Crazy shit happens when you're on a bus and 15! Believe what you want, but this it in deed a TRUE story. There were others there who witnessed this debauchory.

-Pill Pooper

General Colon Pow's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Chewin' T'backer -even if you don't swallow it, can indeed loosen the bowels- especially on your first try!

I'm an occassional tobacco user- I'll smoke a ciggie or have a dip once in a while- and when I do (especially the ciggie) it usually gives me the urge to purge.

I could see how a crater could make one swallow- he might've gasped from the initial shock, thuis inhaling the chew.

Great story!

Oh...and by-the-way, no harm done- it seems Newark has been shat all over already- no ones gonna notice a little more...especially if it's confined to a bathroom! And it could only improve the usual smell that's normally present in all of northeastern Joisey!

the blaster's picture

great story!! this was probably the best story i've ever head on congrats to you!

i sure feel sorry for the person that has to clean up your explosive lava mess! he or she should get a raise!!!!

T-rex's picture

To my fellow poopreport readers. I agree with Mr Chris Gahl. Hor$%co^k. How are you going to put a dip in your mouth and swallow it. You must be 15 pill pooper. Are you even allowed on the internet. I didn't know what the internet was until I turned 25 so ha. I am the trex and this is my domain.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

T-Rex, did you actually read the story or just browse it. He WAS a teenager when the story happened and I have known plenty of people who had accidentally swallowed their dip. Usually teenagers who try it for the first time. It's just gross and the result is a horrid explosion from both holes, sometimes.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Pill Pooper's picture
PoopReport of the Year Awardk 500+ pointsl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Next time read the entire story dumb ass. I said it happened WAY BACK IN THE 90's. I'm 26 now, I was 15 at the time. Thanks for paying attention. Go back to sleep.

-Pill Pooper

a young friend's picture

I remember in high school...I think I was in 9th or 10th grade at the time...being a much smaller guy than some of the other guys in high school...a few guys were goofing off in the bathroom while one of there friends were taking a shit...actually some of his shit was intentionally left on the toilet seat. A couple of the guys grabbed me and forced my face on the seat with his shit on it, while pulling my hair they made me lick the seat off some. I gagged and the taste was in my mouth the rest of the day. Everytime the dude meant me in the hallway (with a big grin on his face) for the next few days he would ask me how I liked the taste of his shit. Needless to say, I did not use that bathroom during lunch the rest of the school year.

poppy's picture

that was the funniest thing a have read in a long time, i shit myself laughing.

hhgfhkhgkj's picture

Did it explode like a nuclear missle hitting the whitehouse?

hhhdhhjd's picture

Im pretty pressured about dunny duty myself.great story yo

Kade's picture

Haha, I've done this before.
In order to not purge from swallowing dip, you have to be nervous, or shocked that it happens, seriously.
the pains hurt like hell, you feel like you need to fart a million times to get the pressure to dissapate.
the farts you get are huge, and you feel better after you fart for a bit, but then you need a bathroom in seconds to drop the bomb.

jlsmith's picture

i'm 40 years old,and i've been dippin' for 25years and coffee&dip will mak you shit every time you don't have to swallow any. as far as cherry blend has been out about 10 years or so.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

I love reading these older stories. Pill Pooper, that's one hell of a pickle you had gotten yourself into.
At least you went before you had to wrestle. Do you ever wonder if you placed third because your opponents could smell crap on you and were disgusted?

Chris Gahl in NYC's picture

Hmm...fascinating discussion. However, I just would like to point out that the Chris Gahl that posted earlier is not the same one trying to make a living in NYC (thanks a bunch, Google).

- CG in NYC

Anakah's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

This line made me laugh hardcore:

"The good thing about school toilets is their strength -- those things could swallow a turkey."


And to the jerk that doesn't like this site because its "fake" Go somewhere else you ass. I LOVE this site. I laugh my ass off all the time from it.

healthy 1's picture
j 1000+ points

That is really something. Isn't that the way though. Just when you are getting off the can......KABOOM, the gates release a violent surge of shit over anything in the line of fire.
Jammin' lo'flo's since 1977.

"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

I enjoyed this story! This is my favorite line:
" someone had dropped an M80 in a bag of mulch...". Good visual!

that guy who knows about dip's picture

im not gonna say this story is fake but it in fact has some unreal details to it first off i wanna say that i am 15 and dip i am not a hillbilly its more of a baseball thing but i have indeed accidentally swallowed a dip on a few occasions but skoal cherry was invented a few years ago and u say thats wut u had in like 20 years ago great story i had a not as bad of a pooping encounter as yours but it was still bad all of it in the pot but still good im gonna have to say this story is real as it seems original and almost impossible to make up but that u comfused the dip of choice u had all that was around back then was staright original wintergreen and maybe mint but great story i feel ur pain

DRIP_DOWN_YO_LEG's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

you are my hero good story so many good analogies and phrases i cant even begin to think of them great story keep it up and please try to give us another encounter of your poop
i have met many people that talk like asses but i have not met many asses that talk like people

i have met many people that talk like asses but i have not met many asses that talk like people

Villy's picture

dude this was sooo freaking funny omg... reminds me of when i ate a cinnamon bun at QFC that was suppose to expire the next day... but i think it was already expired...almost shit myself that day...

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

That's just a darn good story.

I never heard of a butt-hole dry-heaving.

Alaskan Pipeline6969's picture

you ever heard of a rolling brownout. or the TE DUMP. maybe the alaskan pipeline. pooooooo.

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