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make it a brown xmas

The Song Of The Ass

Posted 03.20.2003 by Rick (54)
I have heard funny things in my day, but after moving into my apartment at college, I realized I hadn't heard anything yet. I will first start with the floor plan of my apartment:

Hopefully it is apparent now. The door that separates my room from the bathroom is very thin. Needless to say, anything that takes place in that bathroom can be heard loud and clear. Because of my apartment's design, I have learned very much about the art of moving bowels.

The toilets at school are always clean, and the well-contoured seats fit my ass perfectly. My roommate, Justin, while a Shameless Shitter at home, claims never to use the bathroom at school. So when he goes to unload some trouser chili at home, he makes it very apparent.

First of all, his way of announcing his presence is to slam the toilet seat down. Next, he unbuckles his khakis and drops them to the floor. Since his pants are full of metal eyelets and stuff, they sound like Santa's sleigh bells. After that, he sits on the toilet, positions himself, and grunts. One is always assured to hear quite a few plops, always punctuated by his loud grunts -- it sounds like he's really straining in there. Shortly after that, you can practically see green waves snaking under the door. I HONESTLY HAVE NEVER SMELLED SUCH OFFENSIVE ODOR FROM AN ASS.

After about seven minutes of this ordeal, there are always a few more grunts, and then inevitably a squirt of diarrhea. I have never once heard Justin leave before he has confirmed the end of havoc by the diarrhea squirt. After that, he wipes up, flushes the toilet which is surely filled to the rim, washes his hands, and then leaves as if nothing happened. I respect his honesty around me.

One morning, Justin brought over a buddy. Both of them had partied hard the night before. I heard fast-paced footsteps down the hall, and the bathroom door slammed. I could tell it didn't lock. Next I heard the sound that must give my toilet nightmares: the flow of diarrhea echoed throughout the apartment.

Then I heard Justin cough in the living room, and realized that the anal orchestra I was listening to were completely different from what Justin makes, even when he has straight diarrhea. Who was this mysterious shitter?

Not wanting to humiliate this dude by letting him know I was in the next room, I waited very quietly until he was done. I heard a few toots and the flipping of Maxim pages. Finally, I heard toilet paper unrolling, and I knew that my toilet was done suffering. The front door closed. I ran to the window to find out who took that awesome power dump. It was Jim, a guy in one of my classes.

I went to inspect the toilet. I was scared, but to my surprise, there was only the tiniest hint of bowl havoc... and no splatters! After the horror I overheard, I truly appreciate such toilet respect.

-- Rick



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Dave (11657) -- 03.20.2003

The applications of this technique are limitless. Instead of fingerprinting people, we just lock them in a room and record their pooping. We can release all the "terrorists" we're holding in Guantanamo -- just record their ass sounds and set them free!

Mastercrapper (159) -- 03.20.2003

Certainly best applied to "turd terrorists." The other thing that comes to mind the "stress detector phone" you see in in-flight gadget catalogs that's supposed to be able to detect when a person is lying by tiny variations in his voice. Forensic poop sonography has a bright future!

doniker (1534) -- 03.20.2003

Hey Rick, you said,

"After about seven minutes of this ordeal, there are always a few more grunts, and then inevitably a squirt of diarrhea. I have never once heard Justin leave before he has confirmed the end of havoc by the diarrhea squirt."

Daily diarrhea is nothing to ignore. A few years ago my wife had daily diarrhea, no matter what she ate.

Doctor No. 1 said it was food poisioning. My wife did eat some sushi during a layover at the Chicago airport, she thought that was it. After the diarrhea continued on Doctor No. 2 gave her a colonosocophy and said she had "irritable bowel syndrome". After medication and even more diarrhea she started getting anal fissures. After suffering endless pain and having Doctor No. 3 performed 4 asshole surgeries over a 6 month period , Doctor No. 4 gave her a series of tests that discovered she has Crohns Disease.

Lesson 1: alot of doctors are quacks.

Lesson 2: regular diarrhea is not normal.

the_brown_word (not verified) -- 03.21.2003

I was SO hoping it would be some tiny little girl. That would've been rad! Oh well. On another note: One time, when I was discontinuing regular use of a certain substance, I had diarrhea (every morning, at least three or four times) for about a year and a half. Swear to the scar on my forehead. Eventually, it went away, but it took a while, and me quitting smoking and coffee as well - in addition to a raw fruit and vegetable fast... Sooner or later, my ass gave way to the bran.

Pooperscooper (not verified) -- 03.22.2003

What does you pal Justin eat that he produces such foul smelling downloads? Shit stinks, but there's usually some variation on a day to day basis.

There's NO way anyone could 'type' me by the way I crap--its different every day.

Rick (54) -- 03.22.2003

Doniker, After listening to your response, I am starting to wonder if there is a problem. Just this morning I heard the diarrhea spewing out his ass. I don't know if I should ask him about this or just mind my own business? I would not even know how to confront him!

The_brown_word, I don't think that he uses any substances.... He does drink coffee though.

Pooperscooper, Justin eats like a horse. He eats the same things that I do. (Common foods... No fast food). However, he is into weight lifting and he uses a lot of whey protein. Maybe this has some effect?

sean devlin (not verified) -- 04.05.2003

i just love poop to death i would die if i didn't have poop i even eat poop i pack poop too and fudge its very delightful. im beating off right now

Witty Bob (not verified) -- 04.13.2003

I hope you all here are old people, because if you are young, and talking about your bowel movements, then I can only imagine how bad it will be once you hit 70 , ha ha ha ha. Shit on, McDuff...

Mister Hanky, the Christmas Poo (not verified) -- 04.13.2003

Poo is the cycle of life.

Merry Christmas , watch South Park !!!

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 03.19.2004

South Park rules!!!

Bunghole In the... (432) -- 03.20.2006

Interesting story. I'm really curious about the super noisy shitters. Are the euphonics deliberate? Do the noisy shitters secretly imagining themselves orchestra conductors while inaudible 'movements' playing in their heads accompany their BMs?

I don't know if such a thing exists, but the idea of a recording label releasing an album entitled "The Many Moods of Poop" is funny.

Big KAKA (not verified) -- 03.20.2006

It is the BROWN NOISE!!!!!!!!!!!

Bunghole In the... (432) -- 03.20.2006

I don't mean shitting "upon queue" via brown noise, Big KAKA. I was alluding to something a little more refined like the triumphant sounds of Grieg's Peer Gynt Suite excerpt 'In the Hall of Mountain King.' Or gamut-genre crossing and enjoying a spin of 'Here Comes the Funk.'


_______
"Odor in the court! The judge is eating beans--his wife is in the bathtub counting submarines." Author Unknown

DungDaddy (1386) -- 10.26.2006

I just don't know who would listen to it enough to ID it every time. Should leave the room. Rick has a fettish.

healthy 1 (1427) -- 03.05.2007

I can't stand it when someone slams the toilet seat down, especially when I am trying to sleep.

Why would anyone want to listen to someone else shit????? Rick sounds like he needs a hobby.
_______
"Thunder in March betokens a fruitfull year" .Or is it "Thunder in March, frost in June"?

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