my destiny was to be struck down by the brown and stinky hand of fate....

Indeed!

How awful! There should be a special place in hell reserved for poop nazis like that teacher!

I think every little kid knows about the lunch monitor! Those teachers put me through hell everyday! great story

I originally intended to write two stories...and then I thought the better of it. I changed the title, but forgot to re-word the first line. That explains the "My first story..." thing. The second story was about shitting myself at a hardware store a couple of years ago...but its not really all that interesting.

Hardware store shitting never is.

All kidding aside, Carlos, you've made a big splash on PR, so to speak!

"a slight rumbling now sounded like a pack of hyenas fighting over a choice piece of carrion" was the funniest thing I heard all day!

This is the first report on poop I've read in quite awhile. The summer doesn't seem to be allowing me much time for a leisurely read. Imagine my pleasure at discovering your little tale of feces and shame. My daughter is starting school in a month... I'm going to slip a change of clothes into her backpack, just in case the lunch supervisors at her school are as cruel as yours. No child should have to endure that embarassment. Hell, it wasn't long ago that I spent 6 months trying to get my daughter to "go" when she felt she needed to... now some teacher is going to tell her to sit and shit her pants? I DON'T THINK SO!

My mother wears adult diapers. If I saved one of them, do you guys think I could clone her from it after she dies? She won't give me a DNA sample, so I'd have to fish her depends out of the trash. I know that a tampon would be better, but she is menopausal. If anyone has any information on retrieving DNA from human doo, please email me.

That teacher sounds like a b1tch. You should of puked and shitted all over her.

I feel your pain man.

1) this was a good funny well written story.

2) but it is fictional

3) I am sure the part about you shitting your pants in 2nd grade is true

4) but the detail are fictional

5) my daughter is starting 2nd grade

6) if she shits her pants this year, there is no way she has the mentality to remember every little detail 14 years from now.

7) i can remember only a dozen or so events from grade school

8) and I surely can't remember every detail

No, it actually happened. A person tends to remember bad experiences like this one in great detail; at least I do. I remember stuff in great detail that happened to me as far back as Kindergarten. If I had written the story as a second grader, it would have consisted of "My tummy was sick today at school. The teacher wouldnt let me go potty so I threw up and went dookie in my pants. The nurse gave me new ones. The end." Obviously, as an adult, I am going to have more creative license and literary devices at my disposal, thus making the story longer and more elaborate. But I can assure you, nothing written here was fictitious. If I'm gonna make one up, I'll let y'all know.

In Carlos' defense, I, too have a very good long term memory. I just can't remember shit about yesturday. Some people have the ability to remember strange things from their past as if it happened yesturday. I'm the same way.

BTW, I loved how you fit in that George Michael reference. Unfortunately, I DO remember that video!

AP

hehe, I go poopie in my pants at school

Expelling the evils should not be that painfully embarrassing, especially for somebody so young. You poor thing! And I love the beautiful language you used to describe it.

Carlos- Good writing!

doniker- take a leap!

dude, the teachers still excist too. pretty much the same thing happened to me except it was a vomit. I was also on a field trip to a play house and we were watching a play. lets just say the carpet and walls are still stained to this day.

damn, carlos...they didn't even let you go home after all that?

That lunch monitor deserved to get everything you had to offer! Too bad she didn't. I never understood that one either.

carlos..i feel fer ya bub i think you should of shit on that damn teacher lol i did have a similar experience in elementary school but my prob wound up bein that i had to fart and instead i shit my self i asked to go but i was told to sit back down but instead i stood there and couldnt hold it back it let loose i cried and they tried givin me a detention for that stunt but thier shit failed lol instead that old bat teacher was fired for her ignorance lol the good thing i did manage to nail the teacher that was in there lol i was wearin shorts and when it ran down my leg i shook my ass at the teacher sayin look !!!! and some of that shit happend to splatter her dress lol happy shittin to all

indubitably!! theoretically...this looks eccentrically indubious....

wow...somebody shares my pain...the exact thing happened to me...but 10 years later

everyday before class i take a shit...i am a spanish teacher...i still smell like beans though...what comes in must come out...OAX!

i tooted one in woodshop once... i went home and put a cork in my hole and went back to school... it felt kinda good. now i just do it for pleasure

I certainly can sympathise! I had a simular incident when I was in the sixth grade in Pacific Palisades. One day, there was someone giving out rock candy (is it still avaliable?) but this batch was a 'bad order' as it caused havoc later that day. In my own case, just before lunch break, I had rumbling you can't even imagine. Then I felt a little hot stuff ooz out of my anus. I had to go, and I mean NOW! I had one of those anti-loo nazis for a teacher and she absolutely forbade all toilet breaks, period! I sat in my seat as we were doing our numbers game, when I really had to go! I was about to run out to the loo anyway when my sphyncter said, 'No-no-no-no-no!' and gave way. This river of this most disgusting stuff filled my pants and poured out onto the chair, floor and stank the whole bloody class up! All eyes were upon me now! How embarrassing! Well, I think that Miss Nazi finally got the message that I had to really go! It was only AFTER this accident that I finally was alowed to head for the loo. In the stall which had no doors for privacy, I sat there in the porcelyn throne pouring my guts out. The diarrhoea just wouldn't quit! meanwhile, some other kids came in and began to taunt me making a spectacle of someone sick empting their entrails out. Finaly, another pupil had come in saw my predicament and helped me over to the nurses office. Welll, I was definately not alone! There was a long queue of kids who were to get their stomachs pumped, yours truly inclusive. It was indeed that rock candy, as there had been an anouncement to the school that any student who had eaten this rock candy had to go to the nurses office. I got my stomach pumped, not a pleasant event at all. I had diarrhoea for the next two days at home! Moral: DON"T EAT STRANGE SWEETS!

Hilarious story, great advectives for the poop

I believe it. Great story, well written.

Hey, doniker. What sort of drugs were you doing in college? I remember the day the bathroom ceiling fell in when I was two. Mom was sitting on my left, Dad at the head of the table, and my sister on my right. We were eating peas, mashed potatoes, and chicken and it was raining outside. I was drinking water out of a green plastic cup. Mom and Dad were slamming Ronald Reagan and my sister announced that she farted and had to go to the bathroom. When she returned she told everyone to come and look what happened to the bathroom. We all went in and looked and all the insulation was sitting in the sink, toilet, and bathtub. The ceiling was gone. I have many detailed stories from age two and onward. I pity those who don't remember.

By the way Carlos, I laughed my ass off. I remember those lunchroom poop nazis, too.

similar incident happened when I was l3. Pre confirmation class in parochial school. We were having a test on a unit of catechism when sudden
below the belt rumblings were followed by an avalanche of liquid against my trusty sphinchter.
The gods of diarrhea had come to demand tribute, and were accepting no offers of a truce; their demand for service on the porceline throne was absolute and adamant.
Almost done, I raised my hand, approached the brother and explained that I needed to visit the bathroom IMMEDIATELY.
``When you`ve finished your paper, you may go`` was his pompous reply. Hey, if you think the cafeteria bitches in public school are unreasonable, try dealing with the nuns or the brothers. I explained, as quietly as I could that it was gonna be diarrhea, but he only pointed me back toward my seat.
I went back, tightening my young adolescent`s butt and willing my sphinchter to guard against the forces of lava ready to spew forth in an uncontrolable putrid river from my adolescent anus.
Having dared challenge the gods of young colons, I was punished with another rush of angry liquid rear fluid against my nethermost region.

Standing up, I announched to the rather shocked instructor that it was now or he`d regret it and dashed out of the room.
The boys` lav. was downstairs and to that destination I ran, pushing the door open and making for a stall all in one atheletic track team dash.
I managed to unbuckle my belt and release the button but alas I had dared keep the rear gods waiting and they would have their revenge. Just as I startted sliding down my until then tidy whities, a torrent of warm, runny diarrhea spewed out in an unrelenting stream, all over my butt, back of the stall and all over the seat.

Another deluge made itself known and so I had to sit on the as yet un soiled front of that seat as the contents of my colon spewed forth in an unrelenting liquid stream of light brown rear lava.
Every time I thought I was finished, another deluge would make itself felt, pouring out to join the rest.
When I was finally done and totally spent, I slid my pants off, removed the undies and dumped them in the waste basket. I had to use every bit of two rolls of toilet paper to wipe my butt and the stall.
I was gone out of class for half an hour and when I returned the sadistic brother only said ``did everything come out alright``. As the class broke into gafaws of laughter, I silently prayed that he be stricken with the runny shits the next time he was stuck in traffic, with the bishop in the car!

I Hate poop. All of you are sick bastards and should die painful Hot Carlish deaths. EMail me!

I'm a bagger at a local grocery store. One day while i was rapidly bagging this old ladies groceries, i noticed a half empty bottle of laxatives, well, i hate to see things go to waste, so i chugged before my boss saw me. a couple minutes later, surely enough, the boys came a runnin. I ran for the employees restroom as fast as i could, but halfway down aisle 4, the womans's "Accessories" aisle, i felt a warm trinkle down my pants. To this day, clean-up on aisle 4 takes on a tottally different meaning to me.

YAAAAY, I'm on poopreport.com...YAAAAY... I LOOOOOVEEE POOP....SHUM IS AWESOME!

Thats funny because fish sticks made me sick to my stomach at school too only i puked all over the teacher.

I had a very similar experience at school. I got a tummyache in class and went up to tell the teacher I wasn't feeling good. You would think she could tell by the way I stood there green faced and clutching my belly that I was really sick but noooooo. She sent me back to my desk with instructions to put my head down and we would call my mom later if I didn't start to feel better. I sat down and started crying because my belly felt so bad. The next thing I knew BLLEEEGGGG I spewed a stream of projectile vomit all over my desk. While vomiting, I also lost control of my bowels (the tummyache was really diarrhea cramps). Sick and humiliated, I was escorted to the office by the most popular girl in class. I had to make a stop at the toilets where I was again sick from both ends. It ended up that I had a stomach virus got to skip school the rest of the week.

that happened to me 2.I had the h20's that day but the teacher said I couldn't go.So I took off running to the batthroom.I pulled down my tighie-whities(dirty wiith poo)before entering the bathroom where the principle was peeing.he saw me naked going to the stall.Next thing I was letting a lava dump expell out my bum.Then he came in 2 ask me if I was fine since I was pooping so viontly.I was only 7 so my feet couln't touch the floor.I said"could you take me 2 da nurses office"?He said yes on the way more poo gushed out rageously.So I to take my shrt,pants,socks,and shoes off in front of the nurse.I cried and pooed again.

What are you now, 8?

KAHN!!!! i hate when poop controls you.

Carlos, you did good. I think before one can be a teacher on lunch-room duty, one must first prove to be an asshole of Orwellian proportions.

Why do teachers do this to children? I feel bad for the little ones.
Producing waste since 1967

As I read the posts, one common denominator seems to be that we remember the mean teachers, often years after we've left elementary school and entered the "real world"--or whatever they call it when you can make more decisions for yourself. For me, it was 5th grade. I would regularly pee at school, but that was hardly an issue because it was done during our regular restroom breaks. After five seconds down I could relieve my bladder, wipe, exit the stall and let the next occupant in and I would accomplish that most of the time within 90 seconds. My bowels were--and actually still are--a different story. When I have to go bad, and as was often the case, refused ("I know Karin that you don't want to put your reading partner at a disadvantage" or "You're going to have to learn to plan better next your when you're at Northeast Middle School")I accumulate gas, start to panic, sweat, and get nauseous. Then after having my stool, I'm fine. One day I felt the need coming on during math lesson, I went up to tell my teacher and was told that it was important that I used my work time wise. I figured that meant no but I made my way into the coatroom and a little-used door into a vacant classroom that was saved for special activities. I spotted the hallway lights and raced to the girls bathroom at the end of the hall. Luckily, the first of the eight stalls was open and I hurriedly pulled down my undwear (ahhh, the advantages of wearing a dress)and within about 20 seconds filled the bowl. I wiped and hurried to the sink, forgetting to flush. Another 5th grade teacher, who must have been on her break, came out the stall immediately behind where I was standing. She asked for my restroom pass and I started to cry. She knew what had happened in my stall, went back and flushed for me, and told me she would excuse me. She walked me to the door of my classroom, made a hand gesture that it was okey for me to have gone, and I quickly got back to work. I told my mom about it and she said it's the "luck of the draw" as to the teachers we're assigned. The very next day I heard my teacher use what I have since come to understand as sarcasm when a boy next to me asked to use the bathroom for an emergency. She asked him if he was in battle, would a cease-fire be granted for such a need. I was lucky to have a few understanding teachers, but a lot more that were just plain mean.

I believe you Carlos.

I think that this is a fine written piece.

I love the cliches, Quasi-modo shuffle. Sounds like a new poop dance.
_______
"Two percent of the population think; three percent of the population think they think, and 95 percent of the population would rather die than think."