CEP, in addition to learning about "humor" there's also this thing called "Google". If you type in "Herbert Kornfeld" you'll see he's a columnist for the Onion. (See http://www.gusworld.com.au/nrc/herb.htm ). I should explain for your benefit that the Onion is a humor publication. Herbert, like Skid Mark, doesn't really exist. He's just there to poke fun at exactly the sort of thing you take offense to--appropriating urban culture to provide "street cred." It's hard to believe that anyone could be naive enough to read Skid Mark's stuff and assume he really acts that way. It's a brilliant sendup, IMHO, of the whole gangster culture, and quite appropriate to meld into a discussion of poop. You need to lighten up, and start contributing to the conversation. Notice, for example, that I (and Crapola) are providing poop support by commenting on the article, and not just retorting to other posters.

ThreePly, the other thing in your story that could lead to a kid getting scared for life is your mom's reaction. That really sucks, acting like you did something wrong. You're obviously fairly old, because today (even for the past 20 years or so) any red blooded American mom would have just sued the coach for traumatizing you. The last line about money being tight for underwear actually lends a poignance to your story. Poor kid.

Three-Ply,

I really enjoyed your baseball poop stories. Especially chuckled at the baseball metaphors like "a 4 inch pitcher's mound"

Sheesh, I think people are getting too critical and catty around here lately.

Remember - it says "Show some poop support" too!

Piece Out,
Crapola

I think it's a pretty good channeling of Herbert Kornfeld. The idea of a white rapper, rapping about poop is funny. It's funnier than one of these losers that hops on and goes, "I LOVE TO EAT POOP" for sure. I defy you to read his album titles on the comments page for volume I of this story and not laugh. "Fear of a Brown Planet"! That cracks me UP!

Hey ThreePly, it's too bad you didn't tell coach Dave that this wasn't the first time the outfield doodie rule had been applied. These coaches need to really think about providing pooping facilities for the youngsters! (And oh yeah, "four inch pitchers mound in my undies" has an almost haiku-quality ring to it.)

Who the hell is Herbert Kornfield? Oh, and I'm not racist, just a guy who is tired of poseurs who think it gives them "street cred" to butcher the english language. What's next, are you going to "axe" me a question, dawg?

Herbert Kornfeld is from The Onion: http://www.gusworld.com.au/nrc/herb.htm (For some reason, the Onion doesn't have an online archive anymore.) He's great. Everyone else is derivative.

Yo, yo, first post for the Skidster. Great story, dawg.

The first story was ok, but the content was just not that interesting. This one is like a bad sequel. The fact that both stories are very, very similar doesn't help either... Both are well written, mind you, so props for doing your best to make an uninteresting story interesting.

But it's like I heard my Gandpa say, "You can't polish a turd".

*Grandpa

Hey Skid Mark, The NAACP convention is coming on TV. Shouldn't you be watching to put a edge on your phony street negro act?

LOL

Hey C Everett Poop, it's not a "phony street negro act", it's a phony-"phony street negro act." He's making fun of Eminem types. See, this is something called "humor." See, for example, Herbert Kornfeld in the Onion or the M. C. Hawking webpage.

Personally, I think SMM is pretty funny. His comments make me laugh. CEP, on the other hand, just makes me think how sad it is that there's still racist jerks running around.

By the way, ThreePly, your stories are pretty well written. Maybe they don't have the emotional impact that some do here, but you used some pretty good baseball metaphors.

It's not racist, it's a weak Herbert Kornfeld impersonation. That's it.

Crapola - originally I used the term "Designated Shitter" in reference to the telephone pole. Maybe Dave didn't catch it, so he changed it.

Enough with the racist banter in the retort section. Its just dumb and takes up valuable space which could be used for people to tell me that my stories suck. I personally stand behind my man Skid Marky Mark for being one of the funniest repliers in the Retort section. I'm glad someone else finally sees the humor in him.

Yo Skid - Represent!

Not a specific comment on this story, just the site.

I have been laughing at the stories for 3 days, and emailing my brother and sister to show it off.

I mean laughing out loud at 2AM funny.

Damn, Ty, you beat me to the URL. I was too slow on the refresh. I just wanted to add that Skid's quote about us being different colors on the outside, but our poop all being the same color, is a lesson the Everett should take to heart. Maybe if the whole world learned that lesson--if Jews and Arabs realized that even though they have their differences, everybody's poop stinks just the same--it'd be a better place. If more people thought like Skid, and fewer like Everett, there'd be a lot less pain, and a lot more shameless shitting in the world.

Hey ThreePly, your outdoor shitting method sounds dangerous--like you could end up with nasty splinters in your back. I hope I never have to try that method.

ThreePly -- you're right. I stupidly edited out that great pun. I put it back in.

Again, this story had nothing in it worth posting. And about your last reply to my comment: "I was trained to shit in a toilet. Guess you were raised by the wolves." I guess reporting about your old shit-fables is any more civilized? Please, man, spare us your weak stories. Shitting against pole = not that funny.

There's nothing that could have made me quit playing ball, even crapping myself. And, this is why my heart goes out to Three Ply on all levels. I would have been so bored during the summer months my youth. Hell, I played for nineteen years!
Three Ply, no one should ever make a child feel "crappy" because of an accident. I also think it's ridiculous for any city sports program to have one of their teams meet without providing bathroom facilities, practice included.
Matter of fact, it should be some sort of ordinance that plumbing must be provided to a group of people who have to pay for their kids to play. What a crock of shit.

When I was ten, we played next to a great creek that was behind the third base dugout. We went down there to pee or "otherwise". It was always a risk. The A & W wouldn't let us use their toilets. When we won the championship that year, Mr. Faber, our sponsor, took us there to eat, and I took all the dirt out of the bottom of my catcher's bag and put it in the salt shakers on our tables on a dare from our first baseman. They deserved any upset customer that came their way after that. Doesn't that qualify as Poop Naziism, Dave? And, did I spell Naziism right?

It can be naziism, but ordinarily it's nazism. :)

I like baseball stories, I played left field some people say I still do even though I haven't played ball in 30 years. I was also the community sissy of Hammond Indiana when I was a kid, this my 15 minutes of fame anyway when I was 14 some guy tried to molest me and I hit him with a brick he died, I got time. I got out everyone was scared of me not just because I was huge but angry, and I f*cked some people up and you know alot of people like us that got picked on as kids never grow up. So don't regret not hitting Chris Randall I would bet he's working in some fast food joint jackin off on someones food while your a professional, hopefully in Hammond, Indiana. And I may be old and poor now but I aien't doing too bad living in Santa Barbara, by the ocean. I enjoy your writing Three Ply you bought back good memories I also remember their were dugouts but no tiolets it was a real drag.

I found it to be a great story, but I don't see a point in arguing over a story about shit - it's like me and my brother arguing about an event that happened when both our memories were still fuzzy. It's stupid and pointless.

Just enjoy other peoples misery, hell I broke a ten foot tree when I was 9 and landed in a pile of screws, but I still laugh about it.

Three-Ply, the exact same thing happened to me when I was in the Majors. Except instead of painting a telephone pole, I dropped a deuce in Johnny Bench's favorite glove.

Does anyone have any hints for getting halfway burnt shit out of the little squares in a waffle iron?

Yes. After Pete grilled my ass at home plate because he's a major wanker, I had waffle problems.
The key is to use lots of butter first, and if you get burnt corners, to use a bamboo shiskebob skewer with shortening on its point to scrape the burnt batter out.
I know about burnt batters. I still miss Thurman.

Why did your team have to change mascots, just because it changed sponsers? Instead of Burger King Tigers you could've just become "Al's Hardware Tigers".
btw-you've heard of blueberry pancakes? I have just invented Dingleberry Pancakes

Griddle Buns,

That's just nasty.
lol

Yo, Poopnsquirt, who you callin' "phony"? The Markster keeps it real. Thanks for gettin by back, though, dawg.

Hey Three Ply - I love/hate that story - great one, well told. I mean, fancy your pants stepping in at the last second to try and catch the crap? And your mom's attitude stunk. I crapped myself at five or six years old in a locked toilet mix up, and mine was reasonable about it - mind you she didn't have to sit with a piece of the turd in the confined space of a car...

My favorite part was when you said there was a 4 inch pitcher's mound in yo gotchies!

I also enjoyed the pitcher's mound reference. This is a classic case of what happens when one does not locate one's underwear before dropping ass. It does not matter whether it is from sheer neglect or because you had a shit emergency (as in the case of ThreePly), the result is always the same. I have not had this personally happen to me, but my sister once pissed in her pants while peeing in the dark on a camping trip. EW!

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I was a category five! Category five, I tell you! Get it right or I'll be back to PROVE IT!!!!- Katrina