Tales From The Crapped

Posted 06.01.2003 by Sam Good (10)

During a penniless stint in Brazil, I was the beneficiary of a very generous offer to stay in the home of a friend of a friend. All was bliss for a time, but it was not long before I was encouraged to find another place live. This tale, reprinted from an email to my friends, may shed some light as to why. Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you an excerpt of my Tales From The Crapped.

"In a typical Brazilian house, (which is usually just one floor of a crowded apartment building), the walls and doors are very thin, and allow everyone within 100 meters to hear EVERYTHING. Combined with the acoustic effect of the slate and tile floors, the walls are wonderful amplifiers and conductors of sound. It is one thing to grunt and fart and blast away in the bathroom during normal business hours. But this was strangely different.

"Imagine: it is four A.M. All is quiet and the almost-full moon is shining down through the open window, gilding my room and my dreamy reality in a silver glow. I am not quite awake, but I am not quite asleep -- something has drawn me into this hazy in-between state. It is a rumbling down below, a pressure in my abdomen that I cannot ignore.

"Unable to control myself in my half-conscious state (nor, perhaps, desiring to, due to my constant state of depravity), I often shatter the soft silence and tropical dreams of all the Brazilians on my block with a titanic explosion of buttock brass. Long and strident peals my horn section rumble the floor and lift the sheets from my quivering body. The cacophony resounds for some moments, banishing dreams and civilized thought at one stroke. Before the echoes have begun to die out, there come to my ears foreign voices lifted loud in complaint and disgust -- for all who equipped with ears or who are able to sense vibrations have been awakened in a most rude fashion. Brazilians are not shy or quiet about expressing their emotions.

"My mocking and shameless laughter answers them one and all. I am perhaps the only sentient being in the neighborhood that returns to my slumber with a smile. The others lay scowling and doubtless plotting terrible revenges.

"So I failed to mention to my roommate that I was somewhat accomplished as a trumpeter. Let us couple this with the fact that he has now taken to leaving the door to the bathroom closed at all hours. When he is forced to enter into that haven of vileness, he emerges quickly, his little goblin face screwed up in disgust.

"Imagine even on a primitive level what this must do to a man. The stench of the innards of another male assaulting him in his own home. Poor fucker.

"Alas, I was awakened at some unholy hour the other day by a lady with a chemist's measuring kit upheld. She was there to give a remedio (which means medicine) to the toilet. It didn't help. Brazil apparently has its own methods of dealing with funk, but they aren't prepared for the sheer and unconquerable stench of my fucking Ass.

"The guy is at a loss as to what to do. There are no words for such a thing, for it is against social and civilized custom here to bring such a thing up. At least, this guy doesn't seem to have any sort of experience or idea of how to deal with it..."

Well, the strain of dealing with my stinking shits soon became too much for my host. Needless to say, I was soon homeless in a strange land, a victim of mine own ass. I became a wandering sphincter, crapping where I might. They were good times, and spawned a host of anal tales, which will told in the next installment of... Tales From The Crapped.

-- Sam Good

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crappercritic (not verified) -- 06.01.2003

yo, sam good...... please dont rush making up another one of these dumbassed tales.

take your time asshole.

doniker (1534) -- 06.01.2003

Hey crappercritic....thanks for returning, I have missed your comments. They are almost as entertaining as the stories on PoopReport....

Lauren B. (not verified) -- 06.01.2003

I liked it and am looking forward to hearing more. Off-topic, but where has "a friend" been? I love reading their comments.

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 06.01.2003

Lauren B.--I suggested to 'a friend' several articles ago that he work up a comedy routine around his abused toilet seat, toilet bowl and toilet paper banter. Perhaps he is busy working something up. I even told him I would come to see him and bring friends once he got on with a club somewhere. But it's not easy working up a 'tight twenty,' as they call stand-up outings. Peace and Plop!

P.S. to Sam Good: Fart away, good fellow!

Mr Rite (not verified) -- 06.01.2003

That was an OK story, the tone of the whole thing was kind of boring, like uh, i dunno. some boring movie. I don't mean to sound like a dick, but unless you meant a dreary, boring story, you might want to take a night class in english (hah, don't criticize me for my "internet slang", it's not the same as just plain bad writing). Heh, maybe i do mean to sound like a dick ;) Oh well, peace.

honey_monster (not verified) -- 06.02.2003

A story I can relate to. I had a nasty attack of the "hangover plops" round a girlfriends house. She was still living with her parents in this tiny bungalow. Sadly the toilet was next to the kitchen where they were preparing food and the walls were not very soundproof. As much as I tried to let the gas seep out slowely, it would often come out in loud violent bursts. Needless to say, no-one felt like eating lunch after my trip to the toilet.

Happy Days

Di Uhreea (410) -- 06.02.2003

Honey Monster, was it impossible to have sex in her parent's tiny bungalow?

Lauren B. (not verified) -- 06.02.2003

I remember that, The Big Wiper. And I was glad to see that someone was supporting him/her. Poop on! :-)

poopcheese (not verified) -- 06.02.2003

hi, sam. that sucked, but i will give you credit for your effort. please don't inconvenience us with anymore of your miscellaneous ramblings.... i mean tales.

Poopshipdestroyer (31) -- 06.04.2003

jesus christ, people. constructive criticism, constructive!

Tori Anus (not verified) -- 06.04.2003

Hey, hey hey!

I agree; constructive criticism!

After reading the latest story "the unsinkable ...", a story I might add, by which all future stories shall be measured, I can say that although this story was what English teachers would call trite, it did indeed have a H.P. Lovecraftian air about it.

Imagine a wandering crapping Gilgamesh?

Not bad, not bad.

poop r us (not verified) -- 06.04.2003

your poop tales excite my inner women ass i fart uncontolably sumtimes an knowingg others share this helps me through the day i hate it when i have the runs at school its imbaressin

Alex (not verified) -- 06.13.2003

YEAH that sucked i agree with crappercritic you rushed an already boring story and i kept waiting for something good to happen Sorry you blew that one

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 02.23.2004

My sister used to work at Disneyworld. She says that sometimes Brazilian tourists would crap on the ground, pick up their leavings, and toss them in the trash can. No one should even blink an eye at your toilet stench.

DungDaddy (1386) -- 10.30.2006

Alas, let the Brazilians get what they pay for.

Anomalous Coward (690) -- 10.30.2006

I am often perplexed by the responses of others - don't Brazilians fart? Witness TSV's post - obviously they shit.
As for his host, "The stench of the innards of another male assaulting him in his own home. Poor fucker." I guess I do pity the fool. That'll teach him to have Sam over.

Nine Inch Log (361) -- 10.30.2006

Please tell me that he didn't kick you out after your first one. I'd say three strikes and your out rule. All in all, not a bad story. Not great either. Just ammusing.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

MousePoo (150) -- 07.18.2007

OK.