Thanks to my morning ritual of eating a large bowl of oatmeal, I am a fairly regular
contributor to the municipal wastewater collection system. I usually get up and eat
breakfast before my wife does so I have instant and total access to our toilet.
When I feel the budding colonic pressure, I usually wait until the last minute before
release. Inevitably this means that shit comes out my ass the moment I hit the seat.
I've heard this refered to as "The Move" by others, so I assume that others use the same
technique.
Basically, it boils down to getting your pants below your knees while
backing your ass to the toilet seat. Timing is critical here, but as I have perfected
this skill, I have become quite good at it.
There are times when The Move has almost gotten me into trouble, though. For instance,
if no reading material is immediately available I have to rush around the house to find
something while I feel my anus begin to stretch. Split-second timing is the key.
Another time, I was eating at "Red Lobster" and felt a movement coming. Not wanting to
interrupt my dinner, I held on until I was finished. I knew there was no time to get
home so I headed to the john. Big miscalculation! The dinner rush was just arriving and
to reach the men's room, I had to wade through a huge crowd of people waiting for seats.
Once in the bathroom, the only stall was occupied!!!!
I literally had to stand like a little boy with my legs crossed in order to avoid
chunky pants. There was also a line for the urinals, but I made it clear that I was
going to get into the shitter come hell or high water. I stood before the stall door,
intently staring at it, mentally preparing myself for the disrobing process. I
envisioned myself as an Olympic ahtlete preparing for the big moment. And I envisioned
success!
Luckily, the old man in the stall was finishing up, and I nearly knocked him on his ass
as I ran into the stall. Naturally the seat was unpleasantly warm but I had to go.
AAAAHHHHHHHH, sweet relief without a moment to spare.
I live on the edge.
-- Chip Brown
