Don't Mess With Kaka Karma

While fishing at a pond in Cape Cod, Massachusetts, my friend and I noticed an enormous pile of green poop right where we were standing. It was from a dog, but it could have been from a human -- it was that huge. My friend began to dance barefoot around the pile, taunting it, saying, "Hope I don't step in it!! Lookout!!" And as though some mystical Kaka Karma was present, he lost his footing and stepped square in the middle of the pile. The poop squished up and between his toes like green toothpaste being squeezed from a tube. As he washed his feet, we argued as to the source of such an enormous putrid deposit. We thought it was from a dog. Or perhaps a really disgusting person. I then hypothesized it was from a fish. He questioned, "What kind of fish would leave such a mess?" To which I replied "A Large Mouth Ass!"

Apparently, Jeff Was Born Before Washing Machines Were Invented

As a child, I loved vests. You know, the kind Marty McFly wore in "Back to the Future." The kind that you buy from LL Bean and wear in the fall. When I was a youngster, I got a brand new vest. During an intense game of hide and seek, I slid under a bush to hide. However, I slid right through a deposit of fresh dog poop. It went from my collar to my belt line. My new vest was ruined.

If I Had a Nickel for Every Poop-related Injury...

In my old neighborhood we had a game called "Kill the Man." Essentially, it was football. The only difference was that there were no downs -- you just tried to get a touchdown without getting smothered by everyone on the opposing team. It was a game of running for your life. During one game, my friend had a handsome lead over his pursuers. He was close to scoring a touchdown, when suddenly he was tossed into the air and landed flat on his back. There was no one around him at all to cause such a fall. It appeared to be a prank fall... but when we gathered around, we saw that he had slid in a pile of poo, which ultimately projected him into the air and caused him to break his ankle.

-- Jeff