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make it a brown xmas

Trainsplotting

Posted 03.24.2003 by John K. (10)
Several years ago I took a trip to Mt. Washington with my church youth group. The trip proved to be a beautiful one -- hiking up through the truly unique ecosystem was breathtaking. At the peak visitor's center, I decided a warm bowl of clam chowder would really hit the spot.

I noticed the first signs of trouble five minutes before the cog-rail was to descend down the fierce slope. To my immediate horror, all stalls were occupied, with two more waiting in the wings. I gave my bowels a pep-talk, telling them that we would just have to tough it out and make it down the mountain.

The train was built for total diarrheal disaster. It takes approximately fifteen minutes to go all the way down to base camp, bouncing all the way. Each inch of the voyage sent bolts of pain through my tense innards. I held on for dear life and went into ultra-clench mode; and after several minutes of agony, the excruciating pain more or less subsided. All seemed on schedule for a safe evacuation at base camp.

Suddenly the tram stopped, and I sensed fecal doom. The track that the train moves down is shared by a car moving in the opposite direction. We began the painstakingly slow process of moving to a juxtaposed waiting track while the ascending car passed us by. I could only hope for mercy at this point. Release seemed imminent.

I thought time had been standing still, but it was actually at the 15-minute mark of the trip when the first leak seeped out. I sought to assure myself that if I could only release just enough pressure, I could minimize the damage and retain my grip on the situation.

Nope. The thick, grainy liquid poured from crack. All attempts to plug the dam were useless. I was completely empty, and we were only 2/3 of the way down.

The last ten minutes of the voyage were spent sitting in my own feces. I wrapped my Gore-tex jacket around my waist and hoped that no one would notice.

Finally, the train arrived at the station and the passengers exited. I thought I might actually pull this off until my friend Scott noted, "It smells like butt on here." I joked about the possibility that someone ripped massive ass on the way down, but I had never felt such embarrassment in my life.

I decided to make a mad dash across a field to the base station. I knew that my peers would interpret this action as a clear sign of trouble, but it's what I had to do. I scurried through the complex and proceeded to the largest stall. A damage report: ruined boxers and shorts.

Evidently, my ass hadn't thought its plan through, because I had no change of clothes. I panicked and desperately tried rinsing my shorts in the sink, but that didn't help. All hope seemed to be lost... complete embarrassment would rain down on me.

But I was out with my church group... so someone was looking out for me. An angel appeared in the guise of my group chaperone, bearing manna from Heaven in the form of a pair of Mt. Washington Cog-Rail sweat pants. He kept my secret, and the rest of the group was only slightly suspicious of my prolonged disappearance and my new fashion sense.

I still have the sweat pants.

-- John K



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Hmmp (not verified) -- 03.24.2003

Yeah right buddy. I just don't believe this story.

a friend (not verified) -- 03.24.2003

Man, what happened to your poor boxers. Did you just leave them there to suffer? You might of been embarrassed but they certainly got the worst part of the deal. I bet the toilet paper there got abused bad by you also. I can't even imagine what that must of been like. I am sure you didn't show any mercy towards it as you forced it into your dirty crack. Can you imagine what it would of said if it could talk? That is the risk that toilet paper has to take daily. You can just walk away from it but it has the taste of you on it for a long, long time.

Richard (not verified) -- 03.24.2003

See, Jesus really does work in mysterious ways.

Because of your belief & devotion to the Lord Jesus your chaperone saved the day!

Tydirium (516) -- 03.24.2003

what's with the people who come here just to say "yeah right"? It's getting old. The whole point of poop stories is that they're unbelievable... because normally, most pooping isn't noteworthy.

G Ras (176) -- 03.25.2003

Yeah your right, these assholes that come on here to criticize and belittle are nothing more than talent less, insecure gobs that have nothing better to contribute than their negative drivel.

Hmmp suck my crack... I thought John K's story was hilarious!!!

jake (not verified) -- 03.25.2003

that really sucks but how did the dude know you shit yourself..and how did you ever show your face in that group again?

Milk Chocolate (not verified) -- 03.25.2003

... Okay then...

Good story, and your right Ty and G Ras.

Hmmp (not verified) -- 03.25.2003

Whhaaahh!! Everything here is fake. Poop is fake, my butt is fake, my balls are fake, my boobs are fake, my life is fake, fake, fake, fake, fake. Man I hate my life. Why didn't you love me daddy?

Fecal Fugitive (not verified) -- 03.25.2003

Where was Mount Washington loacted? I live near Mount Washington on Vancouver Island, British Columbia, Canada.

sararrhea (not verified) -- 03.26.2003

He's a christian. He wouldn't lie! I sense truth in the fecal fable. Why lie? And yeah, those dissers blow. Praise the lord!

John K (not verified) -- 03.26.2003

This was the Mt. Washington in New Hampshire, not in B.C. I guess. The chaperone was looking for me because I held everyone up. I think somewhere along the line of events I said "I had an accident" and he brought me some pants. Needless to say, I got a lot of shit (haha, pun) from the group.

alex (not verified) -- 04.04.2003

Great story. F**k all who says yeah right. Why read the stories if your gonna diss em?

David (34) -- 04.06.2003

Unlike Mr. Hmmp I myself as well had some simular incidents! I can very well appreciate John's position! I had an (ex-)friend play a prank on me once in New York (Story is in this section) where I had food or drink tainted with a bowel evacuant, It was a hot humid summer as I was wearing short pants. Some hours after we had eaten, out in public, mind you, by the Hudson River, I had such a sudden and strong urge to defecate that I did in fact wind up having what may be the most embarrassing moment in my life! I had let loose, or rather, the urge was so strong that I could no longer hold back and I wound up letting a river of disgusting stinky muddy shit roll down my legs making a new lake on the Island of Manhattan! I really thought that my innards were collapsing and that I was going to die! Needless to say, that arsehole twit that had pulled that prank on me is no longer my friend!

Gutbuster (112) -- 04.20.2003

And from then on John K and his church camp councelor had a dirty little secret? Come on John, tell us the rest of the dirty little story! Catholic church we presume? I did laugh when you said you "Decided to make the mad dash knowing your peers would interpret this as trouble". Oh to be young and laugh at someones trouble with #2 again! Ah what the hell, I'm old but will laugh anyway!

Nobody (not verified) -- 03.20.2004

My diarrhea always comes out with an earth-shaking "FARF" noise.

DungDaddy (1386) -- 10.27.2006

John lucked out. He could have been shunned and left to die in the barren waste if it hadn't been for the sweats.

Anonymous Coward (not verified) -- 10.27.2006

Hmmp - Have you ever read a story that you have not branded a fake?

Lame comment! -1 point
MousePoo (150) -- 07.18.2007

Nice.

Miss Simone Scat (570) -- 07.19.2007

WOW!! John K. this brought back memories. I grew up in NH. Never had a poop problem on the railway, but seeing my homestate mentioned was kinda kool.Thanks!
Producing waste since 1967

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