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 The True Story Of Troy MusilPosted 07.06.2004 by Troy Musil (10)
It all started with me being sick. Along with a runny nose and cough came a problem with bowel movements. Something was breaking down my waste too much and passing it too fast. In other words, I had the shits. That particular morning alone, I used the bathroom five times in just a few hours.
At that time I was working as a laborer on a construction site. I pay my own bills, so calling off work was not an option. The first half of the day was, well, as good as it could be. Then came lunch. I was at a friend's house and I was feeling a bit better (so I thought). I was hungry after all the emptying I had done, so I made a sandwich. I ate it and had no problems. But about ten minutes later, my stomach started kicking my ass, literally. With a moan of discomfort, a hand on my stomach, and what was surely a priceless expression on my face, I needed to use the restroom immediately. Upon entering the downstairs restroom I stared quizzically into the toilet. Something about the toilet was wrong: the water was still flowing. I tried the handle. Click, click, and nothing happened. It didn't flush. The damn toilet was broken. I figured there had to be another toilet somewhere in the house. My friend told me there was one upstairs. The stairs are what did me in. A little pre-poop came out on my way up the stairs. Within a second, the hand that had been covering my stomach was now holding my ass. Too late!! I went into the bathroom and freaked out. I took off my shorts and boxers and then finished my business. After that, I realized that I had dookie drawers, poopy pants, shit shorts, the streak of the week and, most of all, a major and embarrassing problem. I called to my friend for help. I needed a garbage bag and a new pair of shorts and undies. My friend said he didn't even want to know what happened as he got me some clean shorts and a bag. I put the dirty pants into the plastic bag and went outside to find a place to discard them. I threw them over a tall fence with barbed wire on it. I figured that would be the end of it. Little did I know that it was the fence for the Sigsbee Reservoir, the reservoir that holds most of Erie County's water supply. Then I realized my keys were still in my shorts. I had to climb the fence and retrieve my keys. Afterwards I returned to work and finished up the day. The next morning my friend asked me about his keys, which I had borrowed the previous day. I realized that they, too, were still in the damn bag. I had to scale the fence one more time to get his keys. This time, though, a local resident spotted me climbing and called the police, assuming the worst. She gave them a description both of me and of the car I drove away in. The police saw my car parked at my job site and questioned me; and after realizing that I was the guy they were looking for, they arrested me and took me downtown for questioning. I had no idea that the entire section of city where the reservoir was located had been shut down. The city called in the FBI, the fire department, hazardous waste teams, and the bomb squad. It was all over the local news. I was questioned by the Erie Police and the FBI. I told them the whole story. The lead detective said that he really didn't want to press any charges against me because it was a whole misunderstanding. But he had to, so he gave me the least severe charge of "defiant trespassing." I was expecting a trespassing fine to be in the area of a hundred bucks or so. After being set free, I went back to work, and was fired because my boss had been interviewed by a local TV station. He told me that he "did not want that kind of attention." The story was on the front page of the newspaper (login: info@poopreport.com password: poopreport) the next day, and on every local news station that night. A month later, at the end of June, I went to court, and the District Justice ordered me to pay $5,000 or do ninety days in jail (and then pay a $431 fine). On August 1, my first of ten consecutive monthly payments of $500 will be due. Now that I'm unemployed, I can't afford rent, so I've been forced to leave my apartment. On top of that, my friend borrowed my car and totaled it. He says he isn't paying for a thing. So now I'm living with a friend and have no car. I have been under heavy stress the past couple days, both because of trying to figure out how I'm going to pay the money to keep myself out of jail and because of the whole story in general. I'm no beggar or anything. I'm very independent. But this is a lot for anyone to handle on their own. A few days ago, Dave from PoopReport called me and said that he had an idea of how to raise money to help me get back on track. And so I've come here with my story. I hope I can get enough donations to at least help me pay off the money I owe. So that's my story. It's all true. If you could help me out with a donation, I would greatly appreciate it. I'm just a regular guy with an irregular story. And I could really use some help. Thank you for your time. -- Troy Musil
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