Yukon Jackass

Posted 04.22.2003 by Gutbuster (112)

Many of you have heard tales from Alaska -- a cold, far-off place, with snow-capped mountains, snow-covered plains, frozen lakes and no vegetation. You've heard about the old fur trappers, the dogsled races, the gold miners, the Eskimo igloos, and the Trans-Alaska pipeline. But I'm sure few of you have ever visited or seen the pipeline, which is actually one of the largest remote construction projects since the great pyramids!

For a large part of the year, the far northern regions of Alaska is as cold as cold can get, and as harsh, remote and dangerous as life can be. The Trans-Alaska pipeline travels 798 miles from the Arctic Ocean on the extreme north edge of the state to the Pacific on the far southern side. The northern 600 miles of this stretch is complete no-man's land -- no towns, no villages, no people, no nothing! It is wide open territory.

Many years ago, I was a trucker working on this project. My team built a road, first out of ice and snow, but eventually out of gravel, all the way to the Arctic Ocean. There were no truck stops, restaurants or hotels along this road. As heavy-duty truck drivers, we set off across country knowing the only support we had was each other. We carried everything we would need for food, sleeping, repairs and cold weather survival.

It was a 3-5 day round trip over 600 miles of some of the most remote, dangerous country on Earth. Temperatures could easily go to -60°, and the wind would howl 80-100 mph during severe arctic storms. During these times, we would stop in our tracks and pray our truck didn't quit running. It was a dangerous trip -- many people died driving this road.

Anyway, this story is supposed to be about poop. I didn't mean for it to turn into a history lesson, but I wanted to set the stage.

At the start of every trip, we truckers would gather at a general staging area to load up and head north. We would always discuss driving techniques and survival tips. One time, I mentioned how I carried an empty five-gallon metal bucket for all kinds of emergency situations -- to carry water if I needed to fill a radiator, to fill with diesel if I needed to make a fire or clean parts during a roadside repair, etc. But the most important use of the bucket was that I would put it between the seats of my truck, cover the edges with pipe insulation, line it with a plastic sack, turn up the heat, grab a magazine, and take a nice comfortable dump. I would cinch the sack when finished and (literally) toss it to the wolves.

On this trip was one smart-ass young guy who raised hell, yelling and screaming and teasing me that this was the most disgusting thing he had ever heard. He gave me all sorts of crap, told people that I shit in my truck, teased me that I was disgusting and that not even animals shit in their own dens, blah, blah, blah. He would tell other truckers over the CB radio, "Hey, the guy behind me shits in his truck!!" It was the only negative thing he had on me, so he used it as much as he could.

This guy was an idiot. I could whip his ass in a fight easy, but it was more fun to hear him make a fool of himself -- lots of guys did just like me, shitting in the warm comfort of their trucks, safe from the frozen outdoors.

We were about 60 miles south of the Arctic Ocean -- about 300 miles north of the Arctic Circle -- on the last hill looking north. It was about -50°, and the wind was blowing between 50-80 mph, causing horrible white-out conditions. Snowdrifts were choking the roads. We had to park for about ten hours to wait for the weather to break. Storms like this were often so bad that we'd need a road grader to come plow the snow away from our trucks.

There were about 20 trucks all parked in a long row on this desolate gravel road in the middle of nowhere. In our boredom, some of us would get in with another driver for short chats, or talk to each other on our CBs, or eat or drink coffee, or read, or just take a nap. But watching these violent storms was interesting, too.

We had been sitting there for a few hours when a message from the smart-ass guy came over the radio: "Man, I gotta take a shit bad!" You could tell from his voice that he was really hurting. I could hear his pain and panic. I waited a few minutes and then offered him some toilet paper. (This guy was always unprepared for everything. We were always saving his bacon.) "No, I have paper towels," he replied.

Wiping a frozen ass with rough paper towels didn't sound appealing to me. But this being him, I didn't say anything.

The wind was howling, the snow was swirling, and the drifts were lapping at our trucks. After a long silence, I finally asked him if he wanted to borrow my bucket. There was an endless pause, and then came a prideful "...no, that's OK."

I KNOW he wanted to use it. But after all the crap he had given me, and with everyone parked on the side of the road listening to the conversation, there was no way he was going to swallow his pride. The guy in my cab and I busted out laughing, knowing this smart ass's ONLY option was to get out of his warm truck, pull his drawers down to his ankles, and hang his ass out in -50° weather and 50 mph winds.

He slowly stepped down from his truck. We were all parked in a row, and with no trees for 200 miles around, he had no choice but to squat in the road next to his truck with his white ass exposed to the brutal cold and twenty pairs of laughing eyes.

Of course a chorus of big-rig air horns started honking madly, providing a soundtrack as he tried to squeeze his frozen turd out of his frozen bunghole. We were laughing our asses off -- we could see his butt turning red from frostbite right before our eyes!

Such cold causes a condition similar to constipation, because your sphincter refuses to open up for fear of letting all that cold in. Yet somehow he managed to squeeze out his turd, which hit the ground with a frozen clunk. He wiped his ass with that rough old paper towel, and as he finished the wind tore it from his hands and sent it bouncing along the frozen tundra. He yanked his pants up, crawled back into his truck, and got on his radio and cursed about how damn cold it was.

Of course, we laughed and laughed at his plight.

About a half hour later, my visitor had left, and I called to my smart-ass friend that I, too, had to take a dump. So I got out my bucket, my cushion, my sack liner, my Charmin and my magazine; I turned up the heat, put on my favorite tape, and took myself a nice leisurely crap with all the comforts of home. The whole time, I was on the CB describing the advantages of my system. He didn't respond.

My smart-ass friend NEVER teased me about that bucket again. But no one ever let him forget about his failed method.

-- Gutbuster

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The Big Wiper (2245) -- 04.22.2003

I loved the chorus of air-horns while your buddy tried to take a frozen dump. I will file that away in my writer's brain for possible future use. Meanwhile, I see that it requires a great deal of planning and forethought to take a comfortable dump in Alaska. Your stories are as entertaining as ones I might imagine detailing the Gold Rush. Bet there were some good crapping stories during that era.

Pooperscooper (not verified) -- 04.22.2003

There is justice in this world. Rejoice!

Yeah, as I was reading this, I was thinking how important it would be to feel warm and relaxed while taking a dump--its impossible to down a satisfactory download if you're all tensed up from being cold and in pain. Makes perfect sense to improvise a personal sit down shitter in your truck if those are the conditions you're living in.

BTW, how many calories did you guys have to eat to survive those conditions? An old roomate of ours went on a couple of 2 month kayaking/trekking expeditions up in the tundra. He said the group had to eat a huge amount of calories including fat, to compensate for the severe climate and their heavy activity, and despite this, their faces and hands were constantly chapped from the severe cold--and they were not as far north as you were.

Just cant understand someone who would constantly ridicule a team mate about something harmless and absoulutely basic. Wonder how successful he was at getting and keeping girlfriends.

Gutbuster (112) -- 04.22.2003

I'm not much of a calorie counter, I eat what and when I want to and it all turns to shit! In fact, I have been putting on some weight so some of it must turn to fat too. In fact my gut is starting to stick out so far I can't see my own pecker anymore! I went to the doctor and told him I was concerned, that my gut had gotten so big I hadn't see my own dick for months! He looked down at my crotch, then at me and said " You know, you could always diet". I was nearly in shock and asked " WHY, WHAT COLOR IS IT NOW"!!!!!

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 04.22.2003

gutbuster, you're my favorite new poster. I have always been fascinated with Alaska and intend to go there and see the sights sooner rather than later. I've been told many Alaskans are crusty and feisty and rugged individualists who don't mince words. Seems to describe you pretty accurately, I'd say. If you decide to join PR (as we have briefly discussed recently behind the scenes), may I suggest you adopt a handle that does justice to your beautiful state as well as your pooping interests? Oh, I like gutbuster well enough, but what would you think about going by The Klondike Krapper?

You are a hoot and a half, pal! Keep it up!

Pooperscooper (not verified) -- 04.22.2003

I hope your doctor had the grace to laugh.

Actually, you can find some terrific advice on diet and exercise at www.menshealth.com Men's Health magazine is great, too.

Some things to be aware of:

hydrogenated fat is even nastier for us than butter is. It is artifically made fat and the human body was never designed to cope with it--the stuff actually screws up fat metabolism.

High fructose corn syrup is a high calorie sweetener. Because its super sweet and cheap, its in lots of stuff, especially soda pop and ice cream, and processed foods. Its loaded with calories but it doesnt make you feel full the way normal sugar does. Result is, if you eat chow with lots of high fructose corn syrup, you can chug down a gigantic amount of calories, not feel full, and that plays total hell with your diet.

In fact, if you eliminate sodas and junk food and learn to walk everywhere, you'll start seeing results pretty quickly. If you can learn to cook for yourself you're really ahead of the pack because you choose your own food, save a ton of money and control what goes into it. And you can achieve portion control.

The best way to lose weight is not to think 'I gotta lose X number of pounds'. Its, 'How do I find a way to live so that I feel good every day?' Dont think diet. Think lifestyle--something you can do the rest of your life. Thats the secret to success. I guarantee that when you start losing weight, you'll have more energy and you'll feel better.

Epitaph (33) -- 04.23.2003

Yikes, this tale has yielded a rare example of shitchronicity. Just as I finished reading your moving Alaskan movement story, I recieved an email confiming that I am being sent on business in 10 days time to guess where?....ALASKA!!!! I will endeavour to seek out the fuckwitted trucker's turd in the frozen tundra wasteland. If succesfull do you want me to post it to you Gutbuster?

Epitaph

Gutbuster (112) -- 04.23.2003

Hey Pooperscooper, sometimes you gotta just lauugh at some one elses misfortune or problem instead of researching way to fix it! If I fixed it I wouyldn;t be able to tell this tall tale would I?! Actually I can see my own pecker just fine, IT'S A JOKE MAN!!!!

Hey Epitaph, what part of Alaska are you going to and what kind of business are you in? Have you ever been here before? The country (land area) is HUGE, twice the size of Texas, but we have only about 2000 miles of highway and just over 600,000 people. Nearly 300,000 in Anchorage, 75,000 in Fairbanks and another 75,000 in Juneau, all of these places are hundreds of miles from each other and nothing in between. In fact, you have to either fly or take a boat to get to Juneau. Let me know if you need advise.

Di Uhreea (410) -- 04.23.2003

Hey Gutbuster, my boyfriend will be in Juneau on board a cruise ship in June...will you fling some frozen crap at him and tell him to get his ass home for me???

a friend (not verified) -- 04.24.2003

I can't believe you would let anyone who is in need use your poor Charmin. I am sure it is hard enough for it justing knowing you were going to be using it to clean out your butt. You were offering this trucker driver you didn't even care for the opportunity to misuse and abuse your poor Charmin. Just listening to you over the radio offering its service must of made it very uncomfortable. Even though it would still be used by you, hearing the guy say "no thanks" must of relieved it.

Rogue Turd (not verified) -- 04.24.2003

Your bucket, man, that is very crafty. I constructed an emergency poop-kit (after reading some of the stories on PR) and put it in my trunk should my bowels decide to erupt at an inconvienent time. Gotta include the bucket...

Did you just revel in the smell though after the deed was done or crack the window for a few seconds? Turning up the heat in an enclosed area might be the death of me with some of the nasty gushers I have. I'm the guy who has to give himself courtesy flushes or I gag and my eyes water like a girly-man.

Great post !

Gutbuster (112) -- 04.24.2003

Rogue Turd: To me the stanch, stink and stench of a good shit is half the fun man! How else can you tell if you have had a good "GUTBUSTIN" shit!!! Crack the window? Never! Turn on a fan? Absolutley not! Courtesy flush? That would just ruin it! In fact I find myself sometimes finishing a good stinky dump and then stew in the stink for a few minutes, you know read a couple more pages in a magazine or something. Anyone with me on this?

Hey Di Uhreea: Your boyfrind isn't going to see the REAL Alaska, Juneau is way down south, like only a couple of hundred miles North of Seattle. If you want to turn him into a REAL man though, get his pansy ass off that sissy ass cruise ship and send him up here for a couple of weeks, we'll have him wrastling grizzly bears and fucking wild eskimo girls within a week! Bring us your BOYfriend and we'll send back a MAN! If you don't think he can cut it I'll just send myself and maybe show you a couple new moves! Crusie Ship? I thought they were for old ladies!

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 04.24.2003

gutbuster, as a shameless guy who's never been to Alaska but would like to take a summertime squat in the Great Outdoors up there, I agree with you on the stink angle. I like farts, plops and the stew of a manly, shameless shit. Have liked squatting outdoors since summer camp and the many deer hunts I went on growing up in Mississippi. Nothing like getting up at three in the morning to get out on the stands by five, then wait around with the mosquitoes for the deer to show up, your eyes red as slits. I can guarantee you this: if we didn't kill a deer, we took big outdoor craps with our camouflage around our ankles and a buddy standing nearby ready to toss us a roll of TP.

My brother and cousins were more into the kill than I was, but I really enjoyed dropping trou and grunting out a good one with my ass hanging out over a log somewhere. You had sessions like that up in God's Country?

Di Uhreea (410) -- 04.25.2003

gutbuster - he is an officer on the ship!! LOL!! He's a big guy that has worked in lots of harsh places. He worked in Inuvik for a while and it's dang cold there too! The other parts of Alaska they'll be visiting are Ketchikan, Tracey Arm, Skagway and Sitka.

Gutbuster (112) -- 04.27.2003

OK Princess Di (Uhreeah),

As captain of the ship, he qualifies as a man.

You should go with him sonetime. Southeast Alsaka is a beautiful place to see. Some very intersting history down there. I'll bet they don't make those pansy ass passengers crap in a bucket and dump it overboard on a fancy cruise ship do they? I'll bet as captain he has his very own private little captains cabin and his own private little latrine. In fact, I'll bet if you got onboard and took a peek you would find that once you sat on his pot you would find your picture there for him to look at while he performed his "captians doodie". In fact, you should take a picture of yourself on the toilet and he could put it in his captains chambers, you could a picture of him for your toilet room too. Then you guys could coordinate and syncronize your BM, use the pot at the same time and look at each other, knowing EXACTLY what the other was doing! God damn I'm a romantic bastard!

Di Uhreea (410) -- 04.27.2003

Good Lordy, I HADN'T thought of that. How incredibly romantic, indeed!! He's not the captain, just an officer. And his pictures of me are on his ceiling above his bed.....LOL

Gutbuster (112) -- 04.27.2003

So I guess you could put his picture above your bed and have syncronized self infliced sex sessions from afar! I suddenly had a vision of my very first sexual encounter. I will never forget it as long as I live. I was about 12 or 13, it was late at night, it was dark, the room was dimmly lit, the passion was running high, the anticipation, the wet unfamiliar yet exciting noises filing the air, trying to keep quite so my parents would hear or I wouldn't wake my little brother who I shared a room with. I was excited, nervous and frankly quit scared... and all alone!

The Big Wiper (2245) -- 04.27.2003

As Woody Allen once said in one of his movies, gutbuster: "Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love!" BTW, get yer crusty Alaskan ass on PR as a registered inmate, y'hear?

The Shit Volcano (3740) -- 02.28.2004

Ha ha ha!!! That guy sounds like a total looser!

Poonurse (1313) -- 03.08.2004

I wonder if that is the road to Prudhoe Bay--we took a truck up there a couple of years ago in the summer. Beautiful scenery.

Polar bears meandering right thru the little "town" (really a collection of trailers). Alaska is awesome.

Like the idea of shitting in a bucket. We'll have to take one the next time we go camping. Beats the heck out of squatting on some poison ivy....

Slim Jim Junkie (not verified) -- 03.09.2004

man, I loved the air horns. It seems a loud noise burst makes you shit your pants, yet when you really need to shit the most in a good place, you can't no matter what you try.
Absolute madness.

bigintestined girl (not verified) -- 03.10.2004

lol great story, and your bucket reminded me of the time i had to poo in a bag....the toilet was broken it was 3 in the morning, and i had to poo, so i put a plastic bag in the toilet (it didn't have water in it) and took the most satisfying poo ever. I don't know but i guess i felt more relieved knowing that there was no possible way i could clog the toilet so i was relaxed. It was nice

crappercritic (not verified) -- 03.13.2004

this story reeks of shit!!! its a classic. doniker constantly complains about his private condition. since a complicated incident at a trailer park arm wrestling derby, he has smelled of feta cheese and sweaty insole.

DungDaddy (1386) -- 10.28.2006

I got a bucket just a few weeks ago. Its like Ameican Express. Never leave home without it.

Gomers Pile (not verified) -- 10.28.2006

I live in Alaska, and I'm often disappointed that some people think it's a cold, dark, snowy place 12 months a year. Sure, some of the parts in the interior of the state and the far north get that way in the winter, but Anchorage has the same winter temperatures as Detroit, and Juneau rarely goes below freezing on winter days.
However, the real reason I'm posting is to relate my Alaska crap story.
A couple years ago, a friend and I decided to camp on Lake Louise on a weekend in February when the ice on the lake was probably four feet thick. The temperature got down to about -20 the first night, but after a couple cups of instant coffee and some camp stove cooked breakfast, I felt the rumblings that told me all was was right in the tail end of my g.i. tract.
I hiked over to the bank of the lake and chose a slight slope where I was out of sight of anyone who might happen by. At that time of year, there's not a lot of leafy vegetation to hide behind, of course.
I worked my pants and my long underwear down my legs and went into the outdoor crapping crouch. Things went smoothly, a massive three-stage turd dropping steaming into the snow, a contented grunt issuing from my lips... and then: a slight problem. I lost my balance. I had aimed my ass downhill, as anyone will tell you is the proper way to shit on a slope. Maybe the loss of weight (I'm guessing the turd weighed around 2 pounds....rough estimate, I'm sure you'll appreciate) shifted my internal point of balance or center of gravity...Whatever. With nothing to grab to stop me, I began to fall backwards, directly toward the still hissing pile of feces. Only through a contorted effort of will was I able to twist myself to the side at the last possible second, landing bare-assed in the snow, inches from my own waste heap. At 20 below, lying in the snow with your pants down is not something you'd normally choose to do, but the alternative - trying to clean a shit streak from your legs, hips, pants, etc. at that temperature - makes the chilly landing a welcome choice.
Afterward, I was reminded that I had omitted to give myself a good wipe, having dropped the wadded paper towel I was holding. It wasn't until I was back in my car later, with the heat blowing full blast, that the crusty reminder of my close call began to chafe. A quick visit to a roadhouse bathroom for a warm water ass wipe removed the final vestiges of the incident. That was my only true Alaskan shit incident. All of my others could have happened anywhere!

Lame comment! -1 point

MousePoo (150) -- 07.18.2007

Another great story.