My story begins on Christmas Eve. My brother and I spent most of the day preparing Christmas dinner for the rest of the family, and drinking Vodka in the process. Last year my brother and I invented a snack consisting of small sausageswrapped in smoked bacon, and we brought it back this year for another show. By 8 PM, Adam and I had managed to eat about 90 of them.
It was 3 AM when I finally went to bed -- after a second bottle of vodka. Suffice it to say, come Christmas morning, I was a bit delicate. Well, it was just a headache... which meant I was probably still drunk.
After all of the Christmas presents were unwrapped we had our Christmas dinner. Our plates have raised edges so food doesn't spill over, but my plate was so full that food was spilling off the plate and even off the table. Looks like I definetly was still drunk.
On my plate one could find all the ingredients for a good shit -- your roughage, your fiber, your carbohydrates, your proteins and your fats. Already my sphincter was getting prepared for what was sure to be a command performance.
After about two hours of even more heavy vodka drinking, I spent the remainder of the day asleep, resting up for the ordeal ahead. I woke up the next day, a little heavy in the lower back, feeling the performance of the opening act in my stomach, knowing the main event was soon to come.
Before I even got to the bathroom door, the crowd-warmer finished, and the headliner took the stage. Running the rest of the way to the bathroom, not having time to lock the door, I threw off my dressing gown and sat naked on the seat.
Pain is one word I could use.
Absolute burning agony is another.
My ass felt like one of those child's toys where you have to put the correct shape in the right hole. Imagine a big fucking pointy star in the tiny round hole.
Hot stars -- more than one -- forced their way out of my ass. My sphincter was trying its best to dilate, but it felt more like it just shredded. After the logs came all those mini sausages -- digested, of course, but still true to their original shape. After a few less indentifyable logs, my battered hole was numb, and I was, well, pooped. I fell asleep, my elbows on my knees.
After I don't know how long, I woke. It must have been a while -- the poop around my defeated anus was quite dry. After wiping with blessedly soft Huggies cotton wipes, soothing my fiery demon, I stood.
Here's a trivia question: did I realize that falling asleep on my knees would cut off circulation to my legs?
As I stood, feeling like I was floating in what I thought was post-shit euphoria, I flushed and tried to walk forward. As I toppled, the answer became clear: no, I really didn't expect that to happen.
I toppled like a Jenga tower. On the way down, I remember hearing a loud bang. And then I hit the floor and felt the pain.
Asleep again, awake again. This time I was in a bed... except it was much too antiseptic to be my bed.
My parents told me they heard two bangs coming from the bathroom. Being the loving parents they are, they investigated and discovered me, their son, naked and unconscious on the bathroom floor. They had the presence of mind to call the paramedics, but not to clothe me. The paramedics took me to the hospital naked, and still probably pretty smelly.
-- Dan
