I finally attended the Oscars! I'd been invited before but had been in Italy as part of a countryside documentary. I'm no starstruck by any means, although it was unusually strange this time for one reason. There are QVIP bathrooms that you have to have clearance to enter but the thing resembled a movie premier!! Before the show started I needed to tinkle but Ryan Seacrest was interviewing Johnny Depp and the camera might have been on me as far back as i sat. I didn't want to be seen getting up and stumbling across three producers only to have my Depends fail on the boob toob.

I waited until he was done and went to the QVIP and discovered the throneroom. It looked like Cleopatras den! I saw three stars looking in the mirror and checking their paint-jobs. I had to wait for a stall and when the occupant came out it was ************!!! She smiled at me and said "I kept it warm for you." I wasn't exactly sure what that implied. I assumed she meant the toilet seat. Sure enough it was warm and I released two cups of starbucks double latte into the doniker. A baby fart escaped and someone at the mirrors exclaimed "you only win a tony for that " and several people laughed. I was horrified. I decided to wait several minutes and play some version of LETS MAKE A DEAL. By the time I came out no one knew which box the fart was in.

I forgot to mention that we ate at Pink's hotdogs for lunch!! I had two slaw dogs and more coffee. I usually have an iron stomach and I felt fine. But I hadn't downloaded any of that ground brown sow and I was wondering when the flaming taboggan of kabob was ready to squeal down the knob.

Back in my seat I gazed around. Quickly a woman and man sat in the next two seats and was relieved to fall into a conversation with the woman. It didn't take long for our discussion to turn in the direction of natures call. Being the lobotomized chipmunk that I am it simply had not occurred to me to not eat or drink that day. She explained that it is best to show up the the academy awards as empty as a hippy 's volkswagen gas tank. Running on fumes.

Now I was worried. I didn't feel the slightest bit like krappsing but what would happen if I needed to during the telecast??? I would have to crawl over ten people! I'd have to ffart my way out of this.

With more than an hour to go buster brown showed up for the prom uninvited. I was planning to go with ted but ted forgot not to touch warrens noggin and ended up with a scrotal enflangement.

There was no way to get out of my chair now. I began to blow wind. At first i allowed a consientious objector past the crimeseen tape. But quickly i began allowing more advanced criminals to enter the forbidden zone. La Jail Brake was on and the prison uprising commenced.

After a while I was able to shimmy my way toward the berlin wall. But the aisles were filled with defectors . On the outside I appeared to be calm, and shimmering but on the inside I was screaming like a truck driver about to crash into the back of a 72 pinto.

I finally got inside the restroom. To my disdain four beautiful actresses were in there and one appeared headed for my crapper!!!! I simply had to prevent this or I'd have to use the floor. I tumbled toward the door like a weasel heading for a slab of spam. Ripping my gown all the way off (there is privacy in there that is hard to believe, not even space under the doors) I peeled off yellow underwear , and attempted to fffart away the intensity and what happened after that only the other people in that room know.

My blueprint of spewing a little bit at once backfired. A bowling ball shot out instead. One really big ball of lead. I immediately recognized that there was nothing more to unload. Two seconds of bowling.

Back in my seat I wondered if I would admit such public embarassment at poopreport. However I felt as if my performance, although not oscar caliber, was deserving of some kind of distinction.

-- D