Fake Story: In The Hole
Editor's note: The Other David has sent me a ton of stories in the last couple years. I posted a couple of them... but then I started getting skeptical because each and every one involved him shitting his pants, most of the time while he was wearing shorts. Now, it's POSSIBLE that this poor guy has shat his pants two dozen times over the course of his life. Anything is possible. And when I tell him I'm skeptical, he does assure me that he's telling the truth.
This story arrived on Tuesday. Impeccable timing on his part -- it is, after all, (Probably) Fake Poop Stories week. So give this a read, perhaps keeping in mind the six other pants-pooping stories that he's gotten posted on this site as well as the seven or eight more pants-pooping stories that I didn't post up. PoopReporters, your thoughts?
As I had just recently taken a trip back to Switzerland as to attend a reunion at a private school there, I remembered just how hot it can get during the summer months! The temperature was between 28 and 32C (or around 86F or so). I had actually attended this school when I was only a "rug-rat" of thirteen years of age, during the time between semesters when the school was open for the summer months with no classes. We took many excursions around Switzerland, especially around where the school is, in the Bernese Oberland not too far away from Interlaken.
This one day was one that I shall never forget. After breakfast and peeling potatoes, we had our plans announced for us that day. We were to go as a group across the towns of Meiringen and Willigen to the famous Reichenbachfälle waterfalls -- the one where Sherlock Holmes' nemesis Moriarty had fallen to his death. Unlike today, there was no short way down the hill to Meiringen from where the school was except by foot. So we had descended down to Meiringen and across the town through Willigen to the funicular that would take us to the place where in the story Moriarty had lost his balance and fell to his demise. It is one of the oldest funiculars in Switzerland. Its electricity is powered by the falls themselves.
We got to the top and continued towards a hamlet called Rosenlaui, a very beautiful place in the Bernese Alps. Now that we were on the other side, on the lower reaches of the mighty Alps themselves, some stratocumulus clouds had decided to join us and get "pissed off" at us by dumping some rain upon us. (Nothing like what had happened at the time this account was written: the flooding and landslide catastrophe in this area of Switzerland in late August, 2005. Truly, my heart goes out to these people who had suffered so much).
It was a sporadic rain shower and enough to get the ground wet. That is, wet enough for what was to follow. As we had walked up towards Rosenlaui, a scream was suddenly heard as one of the members of the group had his right leg inside the ground! Evidently he had fallen into a hole developed in the soft wet ground.
That scream had been emitted by me. It was my leg that had become stuck in the earth. I couldn't get it out! I was stuck! I yelled at the group to wait, that I was stuck in this hole and needed help. It was very uncomfortable for me as my legs were stretched apart -- rather painful, to say the least.
What I haven't said yet in this story nor to anyone of this group was the developing urgency of having to use the loo. I had not expected this, and I had planned on waiting until we had gotten to Rosenlaui to find a loo there. But here I was stuck in this very awkward and precarious position. The pain of my outstretched (uh... sideways) left leg was becoming rather unbearable, but there was nothing I could do. (Now I know how trees feel!) I was "planted" in the soil, and as some of the other members of our group plus the Mitarbeiter (group leader) trying to pull me free, it just would not work. See, my right leg must have been in approximately ninety centimetres (one yard) deep right up to where my crotch was touching the ground! This, with my left leg outstretched to my side, as I had no time to react and place it in front of me. I could not move my free leg, as it was caught in the unevenness of the terrain.
One of the other pupils tried to scavenge about for some pieces of wood, stone or the like that could be used as an implement to dig with, at least enough as so I could free my right leg. So far nothing could be found.
Well, between the lapsed time and my predicament, and with nowhere to go, I had to by this time really go! The pain was becoming ever more unbearable, and being that I couldn't move, I finally thought the hell with it and just let loose. It was soft and hot as my anus opened up and this hot stuff just filled the area of my crotch. Now I was a double mess. I had mud all over my right leg, and now this hot messy shit in my pants! And it began to stink! Great! I was so embarrassed -- some of the others had finally found a piece of shale stone and so long as it would not break apart, it could be used to dig enough soil -- a little at a time -- which meant that the one doing the digging would be in close proximately to me and certainly could smell my shit! But I had to endure, as there was no other alternative.
Well, my worst fear had finally become realised as I heard the reactions of "Phew!" and the like. I was asked if I shit my pants (great!) and I nodded. Well, being children, the appropriate response had been heard. The digger almost abandoned his digging, but the Mitarbeiter urged him to go on. I had to be freed!
Finally, after an indeterminate amount of time, which to me seemed like a whole lifetime, I was able to get my leg out of the Alps. I was totally embarrassed. My right pants leg was covered with blackish-brown soil. It looked like I had stepped in a vat of shit! Plus, I stank like shit! (And I sure felt like shit as well, no pun intended.) I had this "shit" on me from the Alps as well as my real shit inside my crotch area; I was literally a stinking, shitty mess!
Well, after my little mishap, we had abandoned going any further to Rosenlaui and made an about face towards Meiringen and the school. I wasn't really feeling very well, as I was cold with all that sticky earth plastered to my pants leg as well as having shit falling -- or rather running -- down both my legs and out, leaving a visible mess.
I was beginning to feel ever worse. Had this happened today, I could have been taken to the local hospital in Meiringen; but back during this time before, the only hospital in the area was in Interlaken (Unterseen to be exact). So I had to endure the climb (about 300m, or if you will, 1000 feet) back up to the village where the school was. It was treacherous for me, as I felt weak and ill; in fact, I had more shit pour out of me on the way up. I was such a disgusting mess by now anyway, what difference would it make whether I tried to hold it or let it out? I had barely enough energy to climb back up the hill with the group, so I wasn't about to try to expend any more energy and hold it in! I don't know if it had been noticed or not, but I could feel more warm mushy stuff trickle out and down my pant legs and out onto the ground. In fact I quickly looked back and indeed saw this yellowish muck on the ground which was still rather damp from the rain, itself of course being a dark brown in colour.
My arse area was stinging from the accumulated shit that had to be somewhat bilious in nature, and when we had seen the school in sight, the very first thing I did was to hit the showers! I washed what I could, both the now-drying earth from near Rosenlaui and my own contributions as best I could. "A day that shall live in infamy!"