SShhhhh. Say it very quietly, my friend. Daphne may be around. She may be a bunny-hugger but she's pretty militant about people who shit and run without cleaning up after themselves. Just ask the Garbageman.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

I question the truth behind this story... I find it hard to believe that the only leaves our author happened to grab just happened to be poison ivy (which, anyway, is a small plant and near the ground), and that our author would remember the look of the leaves he snatched up to wipe his ass enough to recognize them on wiki.
But hey, trouble always comes in cyclones! haha, and in that case, you have my pity, sir, for poison ivy and ass-leaking your plants are two horrific things - combined, I'm sure they form a horror of armageddon-like proportions.

Leaves of three: Leave it be.

Leaves of four: Eat some more.

Unidentified: Your bunghole's fried.

I don't believe one word of this story

An Address to the Doubters: This story is 100% true.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Poison_ivy

The leaves pictured in the upper right were the ones--I even went back to the area where I grabbed them from to be sure (although I couldn't be sure which plant I actually took them from, there were many such plants around) because the wiki article says that there is a very similar looking plant which I'd hoped was the one I chose.

Furthermore, I'd like to think that I have better things to do with my time than to make up silly poo stories (no offense intended). I stumbled across this site looking for medical advice (another unpleasant story--much less funny) and wrote up my account because I thought that this might be the crowd to appreciate it.

Other than some minor editorial changes, presumably from Dave, that's my story (my original title was "When it Rains, It Pours", which I much prefer)--all too real as far as I'm concerned...

this syory sounds like bs to me- no poison on the wipey hand-

uhuh, don't fret about the negative feedback you've received so far, those folks aren't even registered on the site, they just take up space.
Nice job, and keep coming back.

got that money you owe me?

"I'd like to think that I have better things to do with my time than to make up silly poo stories"

One could say that you should have better things to do with your time that even write truthful poo stories. And that I should have better things to do than to comment on them.
Nevertheless, "better things to do" has rarely stopped other people from doing silly things. And despite the wiki link, I still don't really believe it. Sounds just a little too much like an urban legend.

But maybe I should register, maybe my opinion would automatically change ;)

Very poorly written. I had to assume you were jogging until you mentioned it in second paragraphh. What did you eat? How long before you ran? Very poor. Argh.

Wise man say it is better to shit in bushes instead of pants.

"Well folks, it turns out that I did NOT know what poison ivy looks like -- a fact confirmed by a Wikipedia search moments after leaving the shower. All I could do was laugh. "The next few weeks are going to suck," I thought.
And they did."

If this story is true, then this part is the understatement of the decade.

As for the "silly poo stories", shiterature is more of a high art form here at PoopReport. Your story could have used some more detail. Perhaps your sphincter's future capers will help develop your poo-story writing abilities.

Dung Daddy, your comment made me LMAO!

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Assaulting toilets since 1977!

Damn that does suck. I would forego the wiping at that point until I got home and showered. Hey at least your intestines were empty you achieved that goal so you were comfortable enough to go on your way. Yep I would have waited before wiping in this shituation.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

I'm not sure if it's standard or appropriate practice to respond to the comments that people leave, but here goes:

"no poison on the wipey hand" -- The palms of your hands are resistant. I did however get a bit on the tops of them, although I think that was probably just from scratching and spreading (You'd be surprised, and perhaps disgusted, at how much it can spread because of that)

"One could say that you should have better things to do with your time that even write truthful poo stories" -- I believe that truthful, and funny, poo stories are certainly worth telling, but making them up is more than a little silly.

"Very poorly written. I had to assume you were jogging until you mentioned it in second paragraphh. What did you eat? How long before you ran?" --I intended for the reader come into the story without background (like the fact that I was jogging). Perhaps that was a mistake, but I still like it. I probably would have written it a bit differently if I'd known that my original italics weren't going to transfer as well. I don't remember what I ate--I think that was overshadowed by the following events. Also, the nature of the poo was not the focus of the story.

"Wise man say it is better to shit in bushes instead of pants." --my sentiment exactly :)

"Your story could have used some more detail" --I didn't really want to go into much detail about the actual pooping or the discomfort/pain cause by the ivy. I find that more gross than funny. Buy hey, I'm new to shiterature.

"Sounds just a little too much like an urban legend." --That made me smile. I'm quite happy that my story is ridiculous enough for disbelief.

Don't fret, uhuh47. Calling "bullshit" is a common occurrence on Poopreport. Some people make a sport out of it. This is alot more believable than others that have been posted here.

As to people insulting how you write, your story just had a different style that the norm. You should read some of the comments we get if someone dare use the third person or other difference formats.

And don't fret about Eoz, either. He rarely has anything nice to say. We get people like this from time to time, too. Lots of criticism, but no real contribution to the site.

And don't heed Deja Poo's warning of me. He's just got poopybutt. ;)

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I hope you don't think I was calling bullshit on your story, uhuh47. Not at all. And now that you explained the lack of further detail, I completely understand. :) One person's shits and giggles are another's gagging.

I truly hope I didn't offend or insult; if so, I do apologize. I try to be a gracious shit enthusiast both on the pot and on the boards. :)
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Assaulting toilets since 1977!

"One person's shits and giggles are another's gagging."

Hahaha, exactly. Thanks, uhu47, for not going into detail on your poison ivy discomfort. As much as some readers might want to hear the gruesome detail, I think I'll survive just fine without it.

PS: Has this taught a lesson? Perhaps you should run with a little stash of toilet paper tucked into your shoes. You never know when it'll come in handy.

Good story unhu47, I'm 43, have spent a lot of time in the woods myself (I golf and tend to hook) and still have no clue the difference between poison ivy and many other plants, I don't really worry about it....I think now I shall.

College Poopette has a good idea...almost. If I kept toilet paper (yeah, I know....you're all saying,"but Bilgeydear, you use cats, not paper..." just bear with me for the sake of argument) in my shoe, I would end up with athlete's ass....and thats as bad as the poison ivy.

Why do people scream "BullShit"?
Do bulls use computers and log onto this site??
Had to go there! ;)
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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

Bulls, no. Jackasses, yes.

Oh, like no one else was going to say it.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

This story did not set off my bullshit alarms at all. Sooner or later almost everybody has to take an unplanned dump and poison ivy grows everywhere. Not a big stretch to put the two together and in fact I know someone who suffered the same misfortune.

Thanks, Daphne!
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You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

I know someone who feels your pain and I totally belived your story from the beginning uhuh. I'm married to a logger and have had to put calamine lotion on places better left covered in underwear.

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Man who stand on toilet seat is high on pot.

What is so unbelievable about someone wiping their tush with poison ivy? Many roadsides are rife with the stuff.

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SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

i believe you...in the heat of the moment, poison ivy can resemble angelsoft.
i pity you regarding the other affected parts, too...next time, maybe take a page out of Utta Pippig's play book. Boston marathon, 1996, wicked diarrhea, down her legs while running, and she won.
(maybe, if she ever wrote about that day, she should call it "brown road to victory"?)
anyway, i liked your story while wishing you never had experienced it.

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purveyor of the brown note...

That was pretty good. I would have used my t-shirt assuming I was dressed in layers.