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 Adventures In Snacking (The Morning After)Posted 04.14.2008 by Igor Kaplopof (10)
After ripping SuperSours® all during the previous night's sleep -- the kind that win awards and clear supermarket aisles in seconds flat -- I figured I would be in for some serious toilet disrespecting. Certainly nothing out of the norm for a morning crunch, though. So naturally, after finishing my morning cup of joe, my chutney log began to crown and I promptly went to the bathroom to present before I ended up buttering my shorts. As far as I was concerned, this was going to be a run of the mill squat 'n' rot session.
I began with my usual drill sergeant-like commands of "Get outtta there!" just to aid in coaxing out the loaf. A little positive reinforcement, y'know. It never takes more than a couple of hollers for my waste pipe flanges to flare, squeeze, and express. My queefing, sputtering butt crack sounded like the hostile pig farm I visited a few years ago. Snorts and chortles of all kinds. Upon the reveal, much to my surprise, I discovered that I had snapped off a Lincoln Log of a length and girth I had never thought possible! Line bore! No torque steer -- NONE! It expelled with such straight and true force it could have sunk the Lusitania. I thought I was going to need a hip brace to get up. My fecal funnel twitched for several minutes following the torp launch. I grabbed a handful of shit tickets for the obligatory wipe prior to dismount, and lo and behold: it was a smear campaign. Never have I had such a solid, dense dump followed with a peanut buttery wipe that did not have the prerequisite chowdery finish replete with nuts, which this did not. How odd. No case of the softy, folks. No soft-serve here. I attempted to lay the bowl shark tarps over the turd serpent and proceeded to give 'er the flush to shoot the rapids. Let me tell you, that log slapped side-to-side in a violent semi-circular motion like an angry midget plunging a backed-up sink, with shit tickets stuck to one end of the behemoth, furiously waving around like a white surrender flag for a good five seconds before succumbing to the gravitational force and water pressure. This was no tucker, no sidewinder. Oh, no, this monster meant business. The fact that we have a Kohler Highline with the elongated bowl ("1.6 gallons will flush a snarling poodle") helped get it down. Anything less and surely there would have been an event. Thank god I use Fablo, The Fabulous Bowl Lubricant. Not a single smudge or smear was to be found afterwards. I am attributing the heartiness of my brown bat to having eaten two bags of rice crisps and a jumbo sack of wine gums the night before. Thanks go out to Migh-T-Good® snacks and Maynards®. YMMV. Post new comment
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