(Another) Desperate Waddle

l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

I'm working in China, where I live adjacent to campus with an easy uphill walk to work. I work two days a week. I live on the fourth floor of a funky-looking building. Sorry -- no elevator. But four floors aren't so bad. Actually, I dread going down the stairs more than I fear going up. I have found that in China, no matter where you are, there is a lot of walking to do. Back in the States, I usually only walked when I was shopping or when I deliberately went out to get some exercise.

The other morning I was leaving for work. Just as I got to the ground level, I felt the slightest twinge of an urge. It wasn't a powerful urge, but it definitely got my attention. I had to talk to myself for a second and encourage myself to keep going. Because if I didn't keep going, I'd have to climb back up four flights of stairs. And since I had just packed up to leave, I really didn't want to go right back up. So I kept going.

As I turned my first corner, about a hundred yards away from where I live, I got hit with another slight urge; but this was more serious. Now I was measuring the time, space, and distance step by step, calculating various probabilities in my head. Could I get to the top of this hill before I shit in my pants? Or should I go back home and go up to get down?

My brain could definitely use a RAM update, because I still could not decide what the proper course of action was. I kept going. "I can make it," I told myself. This was a vague sort of urge, not a bitter one. The probability was that I could go all to way to work and use that men's room right by the entrance as soon as I got there. So I kept going.

Then, as I was winding around my third for fourth turn, it became suddenly apparent that I had miscalculated. It had become obvious that this impending bowel movement was going to be a GUSHER. All or sudden, there I was, in the middle of no man's land, struck with what I consider to be the absolute worst feeling in the world: the overwhelming urge to take crap, in public, without the remotest clue of where to find a bathroom.

I made one vain attempt to ask someone directions, but the response sounded like either "It's way the hell over there" or "Get out of here, you weirdo."

So, even though I felt like I was going to go in my pants, I gritted my teeth, and, in a clumsy sort of zombie-like walk, started to return to my home. My on-board computer finally checked in and the data was conclusive: go back!

As I wobbled and staggered back to my place, stopping occasionally to concentrate all my energy on keeping my butt from opening up, I considered the different ways I might have to handle this situation if it did in fact get completely out of hand.

It's a sense of terror. And in my terror, I wondered if the excrement would wet my pants. I hoped the shit wouldn't drip down my legs and on to my shoes. Would anyone notice? Can they already tell that I'm having a problem?

At one moment, I had to actually reach around behind me and force my hand against the crack in my ass to apply extra pressure. I don't usually have to do anything so drastic, but this was an extreme attack. My perception was entirely focused on my immediate problem: the most intensely uncomfortable feeling I have ever experienced. Everything else, all my other worldly concerns, completely faded from view. There was nothing else at all. There was only one thought going through my mind: this is agony.

At moments like this, even though I don't have conventional religious beliefs, I start praying.

I made two attempts to find a spot where I might squat unnoticed. I considered jumping into the bushes, but I couldn't spot any accessible clumps of foliage. I was desperate. I had to consider the possibility that I might have to give up my status of being considered "toilet trained". One possibility I deliberated upon was to just stop and go ahead and shit. I wasn't too far away from home. I figured I could contain the problem and keep my pants filled while waddling the short distance back to my apartment. But I felt that I had to keep going and not give in to the urge. It was a matter of honor.

I'm a fifty-two-year-old man. I just can't go around shitting in my pants anymore, no matter what. When I find it impossible to get to a toilet in order to take a shit, I'll buy a gun and blow my brains out. Although some comic possibilities do occur to me at this moment about what life would be like if I could shit anytime I liked, wherever I was, no matter who I was with. But that's another story. And a sort of a strange one.

I retraced my steps back to my apartment and spastically walked up the four flights of stairs, like I had cerebral palsy. I got inside and threw off the pack and case I was carrying. I lunged into my bathroom. Dropping my pants, I didn't bother to put the seat down -- I just stuck my ass all the way in. As I sat there shuddering in relief, in a cold sweat, I heard my heart pounding in my head louder than I had heard it for years. I felt some grit in my mouth and found a small chip of enamel from one of my teeth. This intense urge had caused me to clench up so severely that I had actually chipped a tooth! "Oh man," I thought. "This is going to be a strange day."

Frankly, though, this sort of thing does seem to happen to me every so often. So I've always figured that most people must experience the same thing from time to time. One day, when playing tennis with a colleague, I had such an attack. Later, I talked to him about my experience. I was shocked when I heard him respond by saying that he had never once in his life ever had such an experience. He's a Filipino-Australian with a PhD in psychology. I think he's about thirty years old. And he's never had an experience like mine.

Hell, if I put my mind to it, I could probably write a list with at least thirty such previous experiences I have had throughout my lifetime.

I've always considered this problem a serious weakness. Since I never hear anyone else (except for really old people) talk openly about their bowel movements, I have no way to figure out exactly where I fit in along our collective space/time continuum. I can't imagine that other people haven't had these experiences.

In a profound psychological sense, these are very desperate experiences, evoking strong, strong emotion. It's profound drama, even if it is transitory.

But it's not like Hollywood is going to rush right out there and make a film about a man and his periodic difficulties controlling his bowels.

I would like to know if what I'm talking about is something that other PoopReporters understand. My question to you is this: do you know what I'm talking about? Have you ever had a similar experience? Or does what I say sound bizarre and unusual? Can you relate your personal experiences to what I am saying? I'm really just trying to figure out if I'm normal or some type of an aberration.

Shit in pants? Not a good thing.

20 Comments on "(Another) Desperate Waddle"

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

I can hold any solid turdular matter indefinitely. It's the occasional explosive liquishit food poisoning type ass pressure that has very rarely caused me a problem that must be dealt with immediately (see my "Escort Required" story. At any rate, I will never shit my pants while I have the strength to pull them down. Who cares what the Chinese think anyway? I have seen those feral-human dog eaters shit in public countless times myself.

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points

Although I've never lost the battle with the bung, I constantly underestimate the urgency of my need to go.

I have a bad habit of leaving a public place with readily accessible bathrooms and thinking to myself "I can hold it until I get home." Halfway there I'm clenching and trying to sit directly on my butt crack to hold it in.

By the way...what's a human dog?

What do you mean you didn't see it? It was right next to the toilet!

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

There should have been a comma between human and dog. Chinese are feral humans who eat dogs. That's what I meant anyway.

Anal About Poop's picture
l 100+ points

I have NEVER shit my pants since I've been potty trained or plan to do so. My asshole is quite the diva. It only asks once to be relieved. If the opportunity is not taken within minutes it says, "Screw you, I quit." and I have to coax it into releasing my turd. My colon is such an asshole!

I thought a human dog was kinda like an English pig dog. Monty Python.

Anal About Poop's picture
l 100+ points

Wait wait. I take that back. I did brown my pants once, but it was in the privacy of my own bathroom. I was blowing chunks into the toilet and the force pushed some out the back.

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points

_My thoughts are you, Professor are normal. It happens every blue moon to most people. They just do not let anyone know it has happened to them.______
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Of course everybody has had this feeling. Think back to when you were being potty-trained. I'm sure that each of us tried desperately to hold on until Mom could get us to a shitter, only to lose the battle. Do you think that it was any less uncomfortable for you as a child than it is for you now? To me the only diffence is that, now you have a long-term memory and you have an adult's understanding of personal dignity.

It seems that as we enter the world, so we exit. I'm betting that when each of us becomes decrepit old codgers, we'll be shitting our britches just like our dead forebears. Unless, of course, we die at a young age, which is a different kind of tragedy.

So, Prof, you are not alone in this. Don't think of this as a stuggle that you alone must bear; think of it as the inevitable destiny for all of humanity. And, if worse comes to worst, blame it on that order of Pooch Lo Mein from the street vendor cart.

Deja Poo - Because this shit's so strange, it couldn't ever have happened before.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

El Cagador's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Like I told the poor soul that shit in his pants front the house of the old bitch that Saturday night, you gotta change your diet. I lived in a third world country for several years and never had a problem. I watched what I ate and always ordered hot water or tea with my meals. Before eating I always dipped the utensils in the hot liquid before using them. I never got sick. Your story would have been funnier if you shit in your pants.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Really, I'm glad you made it, man. But you shouldn't be too shy. The yellow devils dispise you already. I've never been to China, but my best friend lived there for some years and from his stories, dropping trow and pouring one into the street doesn't sound too uncommon.

Anonymous Coward's picture

After a night of drinking I've been there too, and many a time. You're not hitting the Sauki too hard are you?

ExitOnly's picture

Yes! I've had the experience a few times. More times than I'd like to admit. I can usually hold it long enough to walk or drive home, but a couple times, I could not stop the moving train. The most recent time was a few years ago.

I had a long drive to a meeting in a bar. I had the urge to go, but figured I'd have a potty in about 20 minutes. I forgot that finding a parking spot takes another 15!

Funny story: as soon as I got to the bar, I beelined it for the potty. As soon as I dropped my pants, a giant turd came tumbling out of my drawers onto the floor. It was quite a sight. It just shot out at the first opportunity.

I'm not sure how or why this happens. I'm usually very regular - you can set your watch by my AM dump. But once in a while, everybody wants out at once. Must have been last call.

Di Verticula's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Prof, at your age, not that you're old mind you ... but at your age, it could be anything, could be nothing, that causes your bowels to act out of character once in awhile. One thing we as human excrement makers like to have predictible in our lives is the ability to expel the masses. What was once always predictible in my life suddenly became unpredictible during the first week of Jan. '07. Got a bad case of the squirts that lasted a week! Over the next few weeks, when these bouts would attack, I became incontinent and I don't mean pee. This could make a person not want to leave the house. These bouts went on and off until mid-March when I finally sought medical advice. A couple doctors later and a few tests, including the rotor rooter, I've been diagnosed with divertiulosis. Small, simple changes in my eating habits have rectumfied the problem and now I'm expelling healthy floaters. I DO NOT try to hold back when I have the urge - this makes matters worse. The thing about healthy pooh is that you should not have to push hard to get it out. Good luck Prof, get yourself checked out if you need that peace of mind. I hope you do not end up in Depends before you are at leaset 80.

Suffering anally's picture

I definitely suffer from the occasional urgent shits like you've described. I went through a period where it was almost daily, I had severe and painful cramps and accompanying explosive diarrhea, a wretched yellow brown concoction. Many times I nearly didn't make it in time, as I was working cleaning pools for my summer job and had to find nearby washrooms at gas stations and restaurants.

I'm much better now, but still have this happen at least a few times per year. Doctors basically tell me it's irritable bowel syndrome. Seems to run in the family, and is largely controlled by diet. Sometimes I can eat well and still have an attack though.

By the sound of your sitauation, you're probably having occassional minor bouts of food poisoning - far more common than peole realise. Try to avoid some of the street food in China, some can be pretty sketchy.

As for the asshole(s) referring to the Chinese as feral animals, you seriously have your head so far up your own ass you must enjoy licking your intestines clean. How someone can be so articulate and yet blatently retarded is beyond me. Eating dogs is odd? Certainly no stranger than eating any other animal.

satxmn's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Yes, I feel it is very normal. I have these sudden strong urges several times a year. It is not the normal BM that causes it though. With me it is the air powered shits! I can recall stopping on the road shoulder and emptying the contents of a container in the back seat and using it for an emergency toilet. I would not have made it another mile!

Anonymous Coward's picture

Suffering Anally, thank you for having some vestige of humanity within you. Those racist Idiots need to keep their stereotypical hate to themselves.

And here I thought I was living in the 21st Century.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I can totally relate. I've not yet not made it but it's gotten desparate. I have experience with "sharts", where you think it's just a big fart coming but you're wrong, but that's another story.
My wife and I freely discuss our pooping habits. I'm a freight train, usually. My bowels usually clear within about 24 hours. I'm usually a 3+ per day pooper, she's a one-or-less. We eat pretty much identically. Some people are just like that. I think if I were a slow pooper I'd probably weigh 100 lbs more than I do, so I'm not complaining.

MousePoo's picture
l 100+ points

Go native..Leave something under a tree.

Randompoo's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I can definitely say I very rarely need to push my poop out. Usually the problem is keeping it in! When I have to poop, I just sit on the toilet and relax, and it just comes out on its own terms.

DRIP_DOWN_YO_LEG's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

i can usually hold my poo for days at a time if i need to but great story non the less
i have met many people that talk like asses but i have not met many asses that talk like people

i have met many people that talk like asses but i have not met many asses that talk like people

AnonymousMale's picture

I once had to drive 25 minutes home with the worst pain I had ever had to endure in my life. I have always been an atheist and at this moment I was praying. The diarrhea pain would be present most of the time, but on occasion it would be completely gone, as if my stomach was turning on and off, and when I didn't feel the pain it was the greatest feeling in the world.

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