The Armageddon Enema

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m 1+ points - Newb
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I shit the bed the other night.

Let me back up. Years ago, when my grandparents were convinced that Armageddon was upon us, a farm was bought, food was stockpiled, and an arsenal of weapons was purchased. These items were stored and forgotten in several "storage hallways" under our houses. Included in the mass purchase were numerous medical supplies such as antibiotics, Band-Aids, and ten-to-twenty Fleet home enema kits. I suppose my family thought constipation would be a problem if the nukes fell.

Flash-forward seven-plus years. I'm at home with my girlfriend. On a recent trip to the farm, I stole several of these unused enema kits for no real reason other than I thought it would be funny to display them whenever we have guests over. I like doing stuff like that. Whenever we have guests over, we'll make sure there's a bottle of Astroglide on display somewhere. This was the same deal. Humorous, but never intended for actual use. Never, that is, until the other night.

I was feeling done in. I couldn't win... I couldn't poop, either. Whenever my girlfriend is in town, we tend to do nothing but eat. I think calzones and an all-you-can-eat Indian buffet were the main catalysts. My bowels were reeling and, unfortunately, clogged. It was then that I remembered the enema kits. I asked my girlfriend to watch (incorrectly thinking the experience might be somewhat sexually stimulating) as I gave myself my first ever enema. My girlfriend snapped a picture of my horrified face upon viewing the "pre-lubricated applicator tip." But there was no turning back.

I improvised some "bowel stretches," thinking they might aid in the whole process. I slung my feet over my head and twisted my back. I attempted a downward dog yoga position. Failed. Went back to regular hurdle stretches. My girlfriend put a towel down and I assumed the "right leg tuck" position. After a brief prayer, I began to slowly nuzzle the tip of the bottle against my anus. My girlfriend laughed.

In retrospect, the enema itself wasn't half bad. Dare I say it was moderately enjoyable? I had no trouble inserting the tip and dispensing a goodly amount of the saline solution into my lower intestines. The instructions encourage "holding the liquid as long as possible until the urge to evacuate is strong." For me, this was approximately four minutes.

I hurried to the toilet and emptied my bowels. I have to say: it was a good poop.

The next twenty minutes were spent in blissful defecation. My girlfriend kept checking on me because I was moaning a lot, but that was because it felt so good. People moan when they feel good; at least, I do. I'm a moaner. Yeah.

In celebration of a successful first enema, we had sexual intercourse. It was GOOD sex, too! I felt lighter and more agile than I had in a while. Things wuz 'aight -- until, at one point, mid-coitus, I sat up on my haunches to plan my next move. I felt a familiar rumble that typically indicates a fart is about to occur. I immediately regretted trusting my instincts.

It was a wad of what can only be described as "butt mucous." It was a tiny brown globule of liquid shit.

I said to my girlfriend, "Honey, I've done something bad."

Her hand covered her mouth and I could see the terror in her eyes. She knew what happened, so she did what anyone in the same situation would've done: she laughed.

My white comforter (now off-white) was soiled with my own shit fluid.

The next few days were spent monitoring my farts; I almost ruined a pair of boxer-briefs a day later. Folks, enemas do the job, almost too well. The lesson has been learned: don't steal enema kits from your grandparents medical supply closet or you'll shit the bed in front of your girlfriend.

Sigh. Lesson learned.

34 Comments on "The Armageddon Enema"

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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0

well at least you and your girl weren't doing a "69", with you on top.

Phipps's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I've done a lot of things and shitting on a sexual partner's face has, thankfully, not happened.

Phipps's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Has anyone else had a "bad" enema experience?

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Yeah, lucky you weren`t on the short strokes when that happened.

Phipps....the Illinois Enema Bandit.

The voice of sanity

Phipps's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Thunderbox,

Indeed. I can't even imagine.

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points
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Sounds like you've got a "keeper" woman there, Phipps. I had a pre-op enema 2 years ago, and I totally lost control of my ringpiece. Those hospital aides (I think this guy's name was Frank) DON'T get paid enough for what they do. Talk about humiliation...I couldn't even do the hospital version of The Move from my bed to a "potty chair" they had sitting bedside.

CC's picture
0
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Look at the bright side.The enema worked.You cleaned your colon and your girlfriend fucked the shit out of you.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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You may be the first person ever to get constipated at an Indian buffet.

There is a photo somewhere on the internet of 2 people in a trailer or modest home, sitting on a couch, smiling. The person who took the picture or who ended up with a copy of it circled a jar of "Anal Lube" that's on an end table by them, out in plain sight. So, this is what you two do on purpose? That's too much. You'll have to tell us your friend's reactions.

Did you keep the comforter? So many reporters of front pager or forum stories throw their bedding/clothing out when it gets poopified. I'd probably go the hot water/oxyclean route though - too frugal to trash something that could be washed.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The girlfriend's picture
0
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Would everyone else have laughed? I was giving myself props for being a good sport, but I guess I don't deserve them. *sigh* Next time he shits on the bed I'll just cry.

Phipps's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Daphne,

The comforter is still on the bed. I cleaned it twice, but the night of said incident I just flipped it over and slept underneath. It was late.

My girlfriend used a different (read: cleaner) blanket to sleep with.

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Not a knock on you at all Phipps, but I think my husband would have to do some heavy dooty convincing to get me to want to do the nasty with the image of him with a tube stuck up his butt burned into my mind...at least not the same night.

Unless he bribed me with pizza. It's always a sure bet if there's pizza.

_______
No no, honey. Kitties don't sit on the potty.

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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0

Looks like Mary Queen of Scats isn't a fan of anal sex, giving or receiving.

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points
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0

I wouldn't make THAT leap, doniker. Let's face it, man: the region 'tween the bung and balls AIN'T the most attractive area of our (otherwise) beautiful bodies. I can believe that THAT image might not be much of a turn-on, especially when you add the enema hardware.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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0

Dude, you're supposed to orgasm out of the flip side of your body.

Q. How do you know whether your coming or going?

A. By the color of the emanation.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Doo-rango's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

There is nothing like "blissful defecation".
Kudos to your girlfriend. She is a keeper. Not many girls would watch their man use an enema kit. The next logical step is for you to give her one.

Doo-rango

Phipps's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Doo-rango,

I couldn't agree more. She needs a little backdoor "pre-lubricated applicator tip" action. I think it would be an explosive good time.

The girlfriend's picture
0
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I already have irritable bowels so I don't know if it's a good idea to try an enema on me. Then again, it doesn't really matter because my bowels are explosive as it is. Let's do it, Phipps.

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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0

I believed this story right up to the point where you asked your girlfriend to watch you shove a plastic tube up your ass. Nobody would do that, at least not the first time. Fake.

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

You used a 7 plus year old enema? Do they never expire? And your girlfriend is a keeper.
Most women would have flipped out at the mere mention of "baby, help me with this enema."

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Well fake or not ANY woman that would stop to watch that spectacle is either crazy or a keeper.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

Phipps's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Wow. Why is it so hard to believe that couples like to share intimate moments with eachother? I can assure you that this is an absolutely true story. Hell, I even kept the empty enema box as a memento.

Regardless, thank you all for your comments. My girlfriend is a "keeper."

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Mary,

We were so poor in Ft. Polk that I began selling pizza rolls to soldiers that my husband knew. To this day, I make pizza, and it's really hard to get that "greasy, yummy pizza" feel to any pizza, but I have found a pretty good dough recipe.

4 cups flour
1 good spill of vegetable oil (one count)
4 teaspoons yeast
some sugar

Put the yeast into the warm 2 cups of water, add a small dash of sugar. When it begins to activate, wait until it's got a good beer head to it (half inch rise), and then pour the splash of oil into it.

Turn this mixture into the 4 cups flour. I use, always, unbleached flour.

Mix it. As it begins to get sticky, turn it onto your working surface (kitchen counter?) and begin to kneed it into the palm of your heel. Turn one quarter turn, fold over, and kneed again. Do this and add flour as you feel is necessary to remove the stickiness. After ten minutes, it should be elastic and ready to rise.

Place it in a greased bowl with a lid where it can double. Put it in the microwave with the light on. In less that an hour, it should be doubled.

Put the oven to 485 fahrenheit.

Use basic tomato sauce, one 8 oz. can for each pizza (this recipe breaks down into 2 pizzas), and then do your cheese, pepperoni, whatever.

Put the dough onto a greased or cornmealed pizza pan before you decorate it. Forgot to tell you. I use Calphalon pizza pans, and they are OK. I'd rather have a peel and some pizza bricks. Next lifetime......

Bake for ten to twelve minutes. Take out before the dough gets brown. The result is pretty decent. Almost tastes like take out if you kneed the dough well and use tons of cheese. I have realized after all these years that the cheese has the grease that we all crave and recognize as takeout.

Well, if you feel funky, give it a try.

My husband refuses to tell me he likes pizza, but he tells me to make it about every ten days. Therefore, I assume the recipe works. My best friend always tells me to make cowboy pizza when she visits (ground beef and green onions).

If you get broke in the wallet, give this a try. I just thought that since you are a pizza lover that you might enjoy this recipe. I have a soft spot for pizza lovers. Most sincerely,

daphne


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Phipps's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Daphne,

That sounds like a very yummy, easy recipe. I'm going to try it out with my girlfriend in a few weeks...then I'm giving her an enema, the saucy bitch.

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Well Phipps you have out done yourself with this shitlit. Good job.
As a side note......had really great anal with my fwb/bf and as I was going to the bathroom my ass released what I thought was gas and lube....little did I know....I leaked poop( he was in bed laughing) and then to add to the situation...I left a small brown baby on the back of the toilet seat. He thought this was just hilarious and kept laughing. I was a little stunned.....this has never happened before.
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
0
0

No. I don't think so.

I would assist a loved one, including/especially my man, with ANY medicial necessity they had, of course.

But, personally I think I'd need to get away for a little while after that, to let things (both his body and our concept of one another) "normalize", before I'd want to become amorous again.

Mary Queen of Scats's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Looks super yummy daphne. I firmly believe that the world would be a better place if everyone had unlimited access to pizza.

And doniker...it would be as hard for me to watch my husband put something in my ass as it would be for me to forget watching him put something in his own.

We can't all be ass pirates sailing the shitty seas (or sheets).

_______
No no, honey. Kitties don't sit on the potty.

Bad kitty! Bathtubs are NOT litterboxes!

Fudgepump's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

When I was getting chemo in mid '05, the ONLY food that tasted halfway edible was pizza. Pizza was the source of most of my calories for around 2 months...probably one of THE most ideal foods there is.
Sorry, flushers: what this has to do with ENEMAS I have no idea.

Hamster's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

Great story Phipps! And Doniker's 69 comment cracked me up too. Sorry!

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
0
0

"Honey, I've done something bad." - love it!
What comes out one's mouth after an unexpected evacuation out one's ass is always priceless!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
0
0

Daphne, I'll have to pass your recipe onto a friend of mine.
He and his mate like Taco pizza and they made one a couple of weeks ago. They said it was good for their first time cooking together.

_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
0
0

Okay, ew! Your girlfriend is a stronger person than I am. If Gilbert had asked me to watch him give himself an enema, I wouldn't be the least bit turned on. Yes, sex is in the same area, but I prefer to keep the brown hole and the pink hole in seperate "play" territory.

To each his/her own, though.

_______
Beware the shitticane. Election, 2008.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

myenema's picture
0
0

What is the big deal with taking or giving an enema. It sounds like many of the "Poopers" have never tried one. What if the writer had found seven Douche/Enema bags instead of Fleet enemas?

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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You know, I did end up getting that pizza stone for this Christmas.

It kicks ass.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Mrs. Mad Crapper's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
0
0

Pizza and enemas, 2 things I never want to associate with each other again. Although I don't have to worry about anything making me constipated, with no gallbladder I just go eat a taco from Taco Bell and I get the shits. Problem solved.
_______
Earth, insane asylum for the universe.

Earth, insane asylum for the universe.