Good story . . . and glad you made it through "dinner". You were very kind to face your toilet anxieties for the sake of your wife and her relationship with her burn-out sister. I don't think I would have done it had I been n your shoes. Happy New Year and keep the stories coming.

Wow, that's some close quarters. Barbara must be very close to her new man to share pooping and breakfast all at the same time. I suppose she doesn't have the same problem the rest of us do when cooking and suddenly faced with an impatient turd, she can simply drop trou and keep stirring the oatmeal all in one swift motion. Convenient yes, disgusting absolutely!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Non-heterosexuality is not a part of mental instability. Also, the term isn't "went lesbian," but "had relationships with women."

From what doniker said about her previous lifestyle, I'm guessing that the close quarters are about all they can afford. There's not a whole lot of call for recovering addictive/mentally unstable people in the job market. I wish them all the luck in the world - it sounds like they could use it. Hats off to doniker and his wife for their gracious acceptance of the invitation. Well done.

I applaud the self-restraint and patience of your bunghole in this instance Doniker (altough you have to admit, the story would've been much funnier had you needed to drop a giant turd during the visit).

_______
Holy skid marks Batman!

Doniker,
Kudos to you for attempting to reconnect over the Holidays with someone who has made a lot of bad life decisions. But the agreement to eat dinner in that rat-hole was truly Mother Theresa-esque.

I would have slurped down some quick KFC before showing up at the door, and brought my own bottle of water so that you didnt have to catch anything from filthy unwashed glasses in that place.

Barbara's "five kids with four guys" scenario seems to be the norm these days. Watching Dr. Phil yesterday, this skank is telling Dr. Phil that she had the right to have an affair because her husband was overprotective. And the audience was AGREEING-while the henpecked spurned husband sat there being heckled. So nothing surprises me anymore.

_______
Your Baby Ate My Dingo

Doniker, you need to re-write this story so that you or your wife are blowing mud right next to the stove while the loser sister is making dinner. We won't stand for anything less.

I agree with CEP. SOMEONE needs to be grogan rasslin! If there is no poop it's not really a poop report.

Barbara and her mate are to be applauded for (1) getting sober and (2) remaining sober in what amounts to a submarine. Doniker and Mrs. D deserve kudos for reaching out to family during the holidays and remaining composed, instead of composted.
_______
Deja Poo - The sense that this strange shit could never have possibly happened before.

Props to doniker and the missus. Best recovery wishes to his sister.

Okay, I have a holiday poop event. Tuesday afternoon I dropped a load. It felt impressive, had a strong odor and was splashless. When I turned around to admire this creation, it was gone. What the hell? Seriously, the turd went away flushless. Then it hit me: I ate salmon dip Christmas day. The turd must have taken on its aquatic kindred's characteristics.

I can't believe it but I agree with CEP. I wonder how she would have handled entertaining guest while smelling butt aromas. Would she have spoken louder to mask the many plop-plops? Was there any spray behind that green curtain? Inquiring minds want to know.

_______
Sharp Shitter-Signing off

Chuck you experienced one of three things:
1)Ghost Poop. Crap that disappears.
2)Explorer Poop. Poop that wants to know what's round the bend, and goes by itself, before you flush.

or

3)You crapped out all or part of Wonder Woman's airplane. Perhaps a seat cushion.

Merc: doniker tells us that the place was "neat and clean", not a rat-hole. A well-kept submarine. Best of luck in '07 to Barb and Ralph.

Fudge-
"dilapidated "mother-in law suite" in the depressed city of Lorain, Ohio, with Ralph, a fifty-year-old recovering alcoholic " kinda says it all doesnt it-

call me judgemental if you like, but even if the apartment was clean theres a lot of 'dont touch any unsterilized surface going on...
_______
Your Baby Ate My Dingo

The story was funny enough, but the comments had me laughing so hard I had tears in my eyes before I had to run and blast a splat from the jocular convulsions.

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

Oh, and enough with the P.C. bullcrap about lezbos. If you are it, own it. No shame in that.

What's so funny 'bout poop, love, and understanding?

Sorry if I missed the point of this story. Was it just an excuse to post a putdown of the sister, where she's painted as a loser living in close quarters with another loser? Was it supposed to create the impression of having survived an ordeal, as if not having to take a crap during a two-hour visit is an accomplishment worthy of note?
So, the bare requisites of a poop story were inserted: A toilet, a meal, a recent history of having to take a dump on a moment's notice. Missing were: any sense of conflict or resolution, any reason to care about the outcome of the story or any of the characters in it.
Again, and I apologize if I sound overly critical, but I'm not seeing what makes this story one that's got the top spot on the home page.

_______
Livin' La Vida Caca!

_______
teddy Hi Doniker i never though you would ever be that kind not that you are a bad person or anything.Just think wow you bit the bullett for your wife i compliment you Sir. As for your nervousness and going to the bathroom all the time with out any normalcy.Can i ask you how long has this been going on??? I feel i have the right to say this cause i have IBS.You may have it and don't even know it.With IBS to wake up at nite say 3am and start cramping bad and need to shit only to still cramp is just one of the symptoms of it.If you don't get better see the doctor.All though Ibs is connected to the nerves and directly connected to you being stressed out.Can i say Doniker try and relax man i know exzactly what its like really.And if you would i know of something thats very calming to drink.Its Honey and apple cider vinegar and tea.Just warm a cup of tea add 2 table spoons of honey and 2 table spoons of applecider vinegar and stir.It will calm you some.Just wanted to help it shouldn't hurt you at all..Thanks teddy

I would go lesbian, but I can't read a map.

Good story, doniker. Please, PLEASE go visit Barbara again, soon! Please. For us.

Actually I think its amazing that the two can live in such tight quarters and stay sober.

And to the anonymous third poster: "Non-heterosexuality is not a part of mental instability." Perhaps not, but the inablity to sustain a relationship after five male and an undisclosed number of female partners is not a strong indicator of a stable personality.

Where were the kids?

Recto, sure this is not one of the best Stories on PR, but it wasn't bad. If you think about it, Poopreport posts about 300 main stories per year; there has to some variability in quality.

Personally, I like to read a plain one from time to time, where the author doesn't have to try real hard to wring something out of nothing. Doniker did a better than good job.

Only Doniker could make not taking a dump as entertaining as taking one!

I agree with Everett, though. I would like to see the alternate outcome. Go back over there and lay some cable, buddy!

You know what would have been cool is if Ralph had dropped a loaf-- while Barbara was servin' up some meatloaf. How would you have handled smelling some dude's crap while trying to eat?
Not to get off topic- but how about when you're seated next to the crapper on the airplane? You're sitting there trying to eat your purchased airplane food, and some dude just nuked the toilet right behind you-- I mean, that's the worst seat. I've seen a next-to-the-crapper seat in business class, too-- how would you like to have paid $10000 for your flight and be seated next to the bog???? huh? huh??

_______
Don't be playin' with the Queen of Sharts

Not every story has to be about something accidental or explosive to qualify as a poop story. This one was a glimpse at minimal toilet facilities which had tremendous insight into personal behavior. There is plenty of room for the sociological and philosophical on PR, and this story was a perfect example.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Doniker set the scene and created the tension for us. The fact that no close-quarters dumpage took place in his story tacitly invites the readers to imagine their own versions of what might have happened.

Gaseous G, Barb is 47. If she started having them early, her kids are likely all grown up.

Doniker, this is a good story. Don't pay attention to negative criticism.

Yes, Doniker, ignore all negative criticism. All writers who have become successful have done so by recognizing that teachers, professors, editors, and the public just don't get it. Make no effort to understand that just because someone finds a story lacking in some regard, it's merely an observation, not a personal attack. Great advice: just skip those posts that don't flatter you. They're from cynics and people who are angry about something, I'm willing to bet.

Irritated Bowel, are you Doniker's mommy??

_______
Don't be playin' with the Queen of Sharts

I felt like the ghost of John Steinbeck had the shits in this story and possessed doniker long enough to get his long-silent fingers on the keyboard!!! All we needed was an immigrant worker kneeding tortilla dough in the corner of that room and I'd scream "POO-LITZER!!!"

Nothing like depressing shit to spackle throughout our holiday season......and I mean that in the funnest sense possible. I liked it.

And I'm really proud of you for going back to school. You and I are in the same boat. Over the hill and learning new tricks. I hope you'll do great.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The spareness of the narrative bespoke more of Hemingway, don't you think, Daph?

I think you have a point. But it was the bleakness that I saw in it that made me think of Steinbeck, the futility of the whole situation and the idea that this might be as good as it gets.

As to his writing style, yeah, Hemingway. So instead of a poor immigrant cook in the room, we'd need doniker to smack his sister in law around a bit and then slam an entire shaker of gimlets down his gullet for it to go entirely over the top.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I personally would have made the place a mess, with poor lighting and a dead cat on the front step. I would have tried to chanel Raymond Chandler or Ross McDonald and have the main character / narrator say, "I would have taken a crap in the bucket, but Mondays I don't do home decorating for others. Instead, I shit on the front step. It's probably a doorstop now."

That was some funny prose, Phony Literary Snob. Pulp Poop Fiction at its best. Kudos.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Does anyone else see the framework for a Saturday Night Live bit here?

Of course you'd have to actually have someone use the comode behind the shower curtain to get maximum laughter.

Would be reminscent of the Seinfeld show where Jerry & George are presenting their script to the NBC executive as he throws up in the bathroom with SFX's in the background as J & G wonder what that exec thinks of their script.

I don't think Hemingway could write a story with so many characters in it.

i can honestly say I've seen an appartment like that before, the small town i live in, you see wierd stuff like this alot. For instance a place i was renting, the bedroom/bathrrom where all one room and no door seperating it from the living room/kitchen, it wasn't as bad but bad enough, expecially when company is over....thats story in itself

Green Poop
When I was young (in the 50's) I used to get a kick out of chewing and swallowing a box of chlorets gum and checking to find out that my poop was Green the next day.

I tried it a few weeks ago (in my 50's) and it didn't work. What a drag.

Uh Green Machine? What the hell does that have to do with this story?

_______
Don't be playin' with the Queen of Sharts

I think he may have meant to post this under the "Implications Of Food Dye" thread.

I have a similar story to this one...small town = small houses....which in turn left this house to have bathroom right off the living room, with only a partial wall on one side and a shower curtain on the other side. only to incurr my husbands IBS had acted up, and he was forced to 'go' in front of a group of our friends( 3 girls...two guys to be exact, peeing was one thing...what he done...is a story beside it's self.

I question any home that is built with a bathroom directly off the living room or the kitchen. Any place close to where people might gather. Even if you can manage to squeeze out a silent shit, if it is deadly you are forced to leave the facility and nonchalately close the door behind you, if they have a fan, turn it on. You might as well yell out "that was one of the smelliest shits you'll ever experience"

"All we needed was an immigrant worker kneeding tortilla dough in the corner of that room and I'd scream "POO-LITZER!!!"
Here's my humble opinion. I've been reading this site for a long time and this is the kind of comment I never expected to read from Daphne. I believe part of what's wrong with this country is the fact that for a lot of people, immigrants are creatures bound to live in small dilapidated motor homes, dwelling in dire conditions and kneeding tortilla dough. Encouragement of stereotypes... one can only hope it won't turn into a novelty addition to the site now.

But if you knew Daphne at all, you'd know that there's not a more compassionate human on earth than she.

Lighten up, there, Remy.

I'm wondering if having the toilet out in the open like that and right next to the "kitchen" ought to be a heath code violation.

And what was that place *before* it was made into an apartment? I can't imagine someone designing it from the start to be somewhere people actually lived.

A lazy cook could accomplish two tasks at once.

How 'bout it, doniker?!? We need an update.

update about what?

Let me rephrase that. We'd like a follow-up.

nothing to say really.

My wife picked up Barbara and Ralph on Easter and brought them to our side of town. We took them out to dinner and hung out at our house for awhile.
My wife then drove them back.

We haven't seen or heard from them since.

See, THAT was an update.

We want you to go visit them again.

Well Barbara is not one to stay in one place too long; I'm sorry to say the odds are good that I will never visit that little "house" again.