Wow, that plumber really missed an opportunity. In that situation I'd definitely have asked you out! (What's more sexy and intimate than having seen a woman's poop?)

Then again, maybe I'm a bit weird.

Struttinghip, that was no plumber. He was a method actor about to audition for the lead role in a new film about combatting turd terrorism.

_
strange, it appears that you are giving poop a persona. Poop, plainly, is an inanimate object, and therefore has no personality to speak of. Could it be, that you, as a pooper yourself, your symbiosis with poop, is, ultimae, taking over your life? ask yourself this question..... 'when I poop, do I give my poop a name?'

______
i just cant work this one out????

Are you implying, Baron, that you DON'T name your poop? You freak.

Coat hanger? Garbage bag? Sounds like he aborted a brown fecal fetus. Are you sure he was a plumber. One way to be sure, plumbers charge more.

Arent you glad it worked out that way? Imagine if a relationship bloomed from the day he scooped your waste out of the toilet. Its just not romantic.

What a touching story just in time for Valentine's Day.This story had a crappy ending.I wanted a happy ending.

I'm with you, Bilge. I just forced out a large, angry, black (almost) turd followed by a crowd of noisy, painful turdlets. The first words from my mouth as the humongoturd passed was "Good Gawd!" so I decided to name this dump "Moqtada and the Mahdi Army."
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Struttinghip, I live on the other side of the creek in Jersey. Just call me next time, and I will come over and take credit for the monster when the plumber comes. For guys, something like that is a badge of honor. By the way, I like that you started your story with a limerick. I have one for you. I hope you like it.

"You got a problem" the plumber told her.
Kelly's turd was the size of a boulder.
He looked like Brad Pitt,
Hanger-hacking her shit.
And left with it slung o'er his shoulder.

I love that description about the gas. Rotten eggs that just got a perm LMAO! That was the best description yet.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

even though nothing really happened, i really enjoyed this story. maybe it was the third person narrative. but something set this one apart for me. nicely done!

just out of curiosity, did you write it like that because it didn't actually happen to you (as one would assume), or for stylistic reasons? either way, i liked it.

oh, and i agree with Thunderous. that's one of the best one's i've heard! read, whatever.
_______
i love poop.

Nicely done, struttinghip. A very interesting angle, and one that we haven't seen before.

I do have a couple questions and a suggestion. First, how did Kelly know this guy was single? And did it even matter to her?

The story ended with the double entendre: "He had not left his number." But with regard to his phone number, why did he need to leave it? She has it, right? Suggest to Kelly that she call the place back and insist they send over the same plumber as called on her before. When he lifts the lid on the toilet this time, he finds it filled with ice, a bottle of champaign, and a thank you card. If Kelly is the babe I think she is, this plumber will quickly figure out that his plumber's snake is, again, the wrong tool for the job.

Damn....and he thinks I'm good!!! Nicely done LJ...I am not worthy. A Grand Slam, completed Hail Mary, Hat Trick, and Triple Double all in one comment.

Damn, wish I'd been the plumber, I'd have serenaded her with my devastating impersonation of Woody Harrelson from Cheers with:

Kelly my darling, you are my sunshine;
When we're together I feel fine.
Your smile is so lovely; your hair is so clean;
You make me feel that the whole world is mine.

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, K-E-L-L-Y ...
Why? Because you're

Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,
(pause) Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly,
Kelly of mine!

P.S. Ask her if she still has that boot, I think I could use the heel as a poo chopper.

Sweet Fancy Moses, I liked when she said she was pulling her panties up,mmmmmmmmmm!

Another gay plumber, big deal.
_______
Happy Crappin'
HomegrownMedia Network

I'm sure she meant his personal number, not his business number.

Nice report, hip-mama. If you were pooping ribbons, it means that you were incredibly backed up. I've only seen them once before, and it was from my daughter, Thing Two, during a severe case of intestinal backup. She, too, required medicine.

Good to see you around again!

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Great story Kelly! Except that I sure thought it was going a different direction when he peeked into your bedroom and said "Hi."

Is every cliche porno on the planet wrong? Or has this plumber just never watched any???

How did Bunga Din know it was me?

I just did. You have a certain way about your descriptions. You're from NY, a shameless poop storyteller with several already on site. I read some of your blog a while back and this just screamed "THAT"S HER!!!" "I HOPE SHE WASHED HER FUCKING TOE"!!!!

P.S. Did you get that merry widow in chartreuse or should I be doing some last minute Valentines shopping?

Dearest Kelly,
I have hung your bung-born beauty over my fireplace. It is spectacular, as is your beauty. Alas! If only you would have shown even a glimmer of interest in me we could even now be cohabiting in bliss! You, producing extravaganzas of feculent fancy, and I pulling them out of the throat of doom to display them with pride in my trophy room! But it was not to be! I am now resigning myself to growing middle aged, fat, bald, and developing an interest in gay porn. Oh, but the thought of what could have been will sustain me through even this. Farewell Kelly my dream shitter! Farewell!
With love from afar,
your handsome plumber prince

There dammit. I love a happy ending.
*evil chortle*

Very clever, Bunga!

I couldn't help but think at the end of the story ("he didn't leave his number"). What number would you have preferred? Number one or number two? hehehehehe.

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

I bet it was the pumpkin ravioli that did you in.

Yes, I tried it. Wasn't bad.

what a waste of time

Bunga: you are an amazingly good detective. I'm still shocked you knew she was talking about me! Kudos to you! And yes, please go Vday shopping. Alas, I have no Valentine.

Bunga: I can't believe what a super sleuth you are! Kudos. And yes, being Valentine-less, I'd love it if you'd go shopping for me.

XO

NO VALENTINE!! A woman as pretty as you with a successful career, superb taste in fashion, sense of humor and a shameless shitter to boot (sorry, no pun meant there darling), jeez, that really is a mean city you live in.

I'm off to Holt Renfrew, I'm guessing, but you look like a size 5, hope you like silk and rubber, I'll bring my gas mask too!!!

_______
struttnghip

Art- I can't believe you remeber my pumpkin ravioli!
xo

Poor Struttinghip and friend Kelly. Either of these guys get near your breasts, and the pumpkin ravioli and your "merry widow in chartreuse" ??? would be quickly forgotten. To men, such details are simply metaphors. But keep searching. A guy really interested in such things may well be out there -- somewhere. But from what I've gathered from your blog musings, you'd ditch him in a New York minute.

hip, being as it was neither a birthday or an anniversary, the ravioli is firmly entrenched in my memory. Amazing what one retains, isn't it?

Logjam, there's a saying in these parts, maybe in those parts too but definitely in these parts.

You can take the ditch out of the boy but not the boy out of the ditch. Sorry, that was backwards, I guess I really had no point, other than ....oh yeah, MEMO TO DODGER: MAYBE A DOUBLE DATE WITH THESE FOXES IN NYC, maybe they'll show us the Lower Bowelry!

You know, I think this would be a good match up and produce a story we’d all look forward to hearing about. Let’s start up a fund – send the boys (two of PR’s best and brightest) to go represent us in a dating match with NYC’s own Struttinghip and Kelly. Girls, you game? (No need to ask the boys.)

Poop Report as a dating site. Hm. I wonder if Dave had THIS in mind when he started it.

Sorry, boys. That sounds like a no. Your loss, Kelly. They don't get any better than Bunga -- Oh, still a shitty deal, but about the best the male species can do.

Ahem.

That was a sweet story, i wonder how he got the toilet so clean!?
_______
www.myspace.com/scarthearmadaband

Log, I can assure you that was not a no. Kelly is way into it. So are we getting dates from PR or what?

_______
struttnghip

OK, boys. Time to do the laundry and pack the bags (and don't forget to bring drain-cleaning equipment.) I'll start the PR fund by kicking in $100 for plane tickets and limo fares and the like (but figuring the boys don't need to bother with hotel rooms). Can we use the Pay Pal mechanism to do this, Dave/Bunga? And Dodger, please confirm that you are not all mouth and can represent us in a respectable way (i.e., that you are not a married philanderer, but an unmarried one.)

I must say I haven't been this excited since they started offering Sansabelt pants in denim. I just hope Kelly realizes that I'm a bit older than her (43). Now to pack things.
1.Hai Karate (I am down to my last liter)
2.Panasonic Dynamite 8 (for travel tunes)
3.8 Tracks for above : Average White Band, Bo Donaldson and the Heywoods and for when we get down to business Popcorn, by Hot Butter (synth music, the music of animal passion)
4.Roulex watch
5.Diessel Jeans
6.Truss
7.Acyclovir

That just about does it, I'd like to forward to Kelly some pics of other items I could bring if she's interested. She can find those items here when I was trying to help The Dumpster win his love (that was like trying to teach a rock to swim).

In the event that Dodger can't make it maybe struttinghip AND Kelly could share me. As the Acyclovir will attest, I don't mind sharing.

Diessel Jeans, Roulex watch.... Shit, Bunga. You aren't going to need our financial help. Now that I think about it, I could make a case that you owe me.

I think if Dodger can't make it, that we should run a contest to determine the other representative. Our reputation is on the line, here. We need to find a guy worthy of it, (and not just in his own mind, Bidge). After all, this could result in the passing on of PR genes.

Ahem

BILGEPUMP, of course I don't name each of my poop, they all have the same name: 'you little shit'. it works well for me, and saves me a whole load of crap, trying to stink up names.
_______
i just cant work this one out????

No such luck on cutting me out of the deal, Bunga. I've always got time when it comes to ladies. And from the look of your pack list, I'm glad we'll be driving my 1979 Thunderbird because we're gonna need the trunk space (and a bill of lading). We'll have to work something out on the 8 tracks though. I've upgraded to cassettes.

Logjam, as I do indeed wish to prove that I am honest in my dishonorable intentions, I have pm'd you references from my favorite dancers at the Classy Chassis gentleman's club. All except for Jade, that is. She took her baby's daddy to court today and didn't make her shift.

Realization dawning on his face, Bilge recognizes something is amiss. The PR guys seem to be planning a barbeque, or tailgate party, or some such get together, and he realizes he has been passed over. Slowly, with a heavy sigh, he sets down his bottle of Jergen's, and the wad of kleenex he'd been clutching, and reaches for his .44 Magnum....."ITs time to do some huntin'" he mutters...trudging toward the screen door, pants still, unfortunately, below his knees....

And as my mother used to tell my brother and I as we left for school on a rainy day. "Are you boys wearing your rubbers?"

Ladies, as should be clear, we have our team together and ready for the road trip. Just to let you know, I checked out Dodger's references, and they are impeccable. Really, it was hard to decide among them.

The basic problem now is calendaring. Knowing that both Bunga and Dodger are resourceful fellows, I'll bet they can get out of work about anytime they want. So perhaps you two could put your sweet little heads together and suggest an arrival date and one back-up date. From there this can probably go off-line.

And Bilge, I feel your pain. Always the bridesmaid.... However, remember that it wasn't you who was able to recall a little detail so as to win the hearts of these fair maidens. Bunga and Dodger cram their heads with little details about women they encounter and only about .0001% of it ever pays off. So they pay a huge price for success. (Also, by the sounds of it, you've already taken things into your own hands and milked this little rite of spring for all it may be worth anyway.)

Bilge, my friend, I thought it was a given that you would be gracing us with your presence. There's room enough in the T-Bird, and we'll definitely need a mop boy.

One word of warning, though. No chugging of the Hai Karate. You know what happened last time.

Oh. Uh, yeah...sorry about that incident regarding the back of your legs, Dodge...but not to worry!!! Straight patchouli oil from here on out, I'm good to go!!!! I got my own mop, and bucket, deluxe down press wringer and everything!!! Way better than those cheesy side press wringers.

Being that Valentines day is almost over and I haven't heard a word from Kelly I think I may have been fluffed off (and not the usual way, waiting for my "scene" to require filming).

I'll hold out hope that she's not found someone else to take care of her feminine yearnings, but if things do end up bleak, well Bilge (or can I call you BIDGE) maybe we can still go and check out some of the finer clubs like Paddles , The Nutcracker Suite or maybe just go to a TGI Fridays for some vittles.

Paddles? I want to go to Paddles too!

I love how PR has turned into bizarro Match.com!

This is far from bizarre, its just a free expression of our desires less the repressed Judeo Christian guilt complex Kelly....jeez, I thought you were a sex columnist!!! Should I bring my taint whips?

P.S. Forgot to mention, the safety word will be tippytoe.

Seems to be a little hesitancy still in the air. My read is that Struttinghip needs to step up and take control of the NYC team. Strut?

And hey, if this all ends up with just a bunch of guys in a bar yucking it up with Bidge, can I get myself invited?

man, if only i wasn't betrothed to my beloved mr. pance, i'd tell you guys to add another stop to your Road Trip O' Love.
_______
i love poop.

Colorado, New York...damn boys, we're like ZZ Top..."We're bad, we're nationwide..."

... some of us are over the hill.

.... and we have to look foward to the train wreck at the bottom of that hill.

All abroad, I mean aboard. I think if Charmingly Neurotic (I like to call her Charmingly Erotic) doesn't give me a firm commitment on this tryst I'll be singing Ozzy:

Mental wounds not healing
Life's a bitter shame
Im going off the rails on a crazy train

Drivin that train
High on cocaine
Casey Jones you better
Watch your speed...

Old Charlie stole the handle
And the train, it won't stop going
No way to slow down...

My worry is I do get down to NYC and I end up sitting on a park bench, as far as greasy fingers go, Bidge has that issue with the Jergins, NOT ME.

My clothes are NOT shabby!!!!

This is as bad as the Rich man's diet...I wonder how many directions we can go on these stories, lol

Ummm, Bilge, it's Ermenegildo Zegna, NOT Ermenegildo SMEGMA. But back to more important matters. Art, did struttinghip get back to you vis a vis our impending soiree? I've managed to find some fine vintage bottles of Lonesome Charlie and Strawberry Angel, cost me a pretty penny but well worth it.

i seriously love that we're calling bilgey "Bidge" now.
_______
i love poop.

I guess him dating you would be like a chief dating a fat girl. When he's off the clock he don't want to be on the job.

Pance, since we're mixing and matching names (Bilgejam, Bidge), I hereby christen you Wedgiepance.

Let me tell you, it's Friday night, late, no sign of my gal.....I'm thinking of changing my pet name of her to Charmingly Despotic...she's my 9/11 of all things lovin....someone pass me the nyquil.

PR chat is open, LJ, Dodge...

Bunga, as members of your team, this is a disappointment to us all. But I don't think it was an intentional slap in the face. These kids undoubtedly have had some rather weird dating experiences (they live in NYC for god's sake), and I can understand their reluctance facing two guys who have traveled that far to see them -- hard to blow off if things go sour. I don't think they believed the PR team could really deliver like we did.

In short, you and Dodger both did us proud.

Besides, its been cold up in Toronto, so you were dealing with the shrinkage handicap.

And I drank all the Nyquil.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

If you guys decide to go, you can use my place as a staging point if you want. I'm sure Mrs. PD would love some hard drinking, toilet clogging, poop bragging guests to hang with us.

__SHIT!! can somebody help bilgepump with trou'? I'm in England for gods sake! I cant drop everything and run! - actually... I'm just about to?

_____
i just cant work this one out????

Bilge, if you need some trousers, I will be glad to lend you some of mine. Well broken in jeans slightly stained in the back. Look for me in NYC. I'll be on a park bench eyeing little girls with bad intent.

wedgiepance?! i think i like it.

i can't seem to come up with anything better for you than Artful Pooper!

yup, that's about the extent of my creativity. stick a "poop" in there! that'll make it funny!
_______
i love poop.

Up-Date

While waiting to hear back from Kelly and Strut, we’ve gotten a huge number of requests in the mail, and so….. This is our first announcement of the six city “Bunga, Bilge, Dodge” PR bus tour. We will be posting the schedule soon. Let us apologize in advance, ladies, for not being able to accommodate all your requests. And unfortunately, Kelly and Strut, NYC is not in the cards this time around.

But to not leave you stranded, we are putting together a second team who will travel on scooters (cash-flow problems). We’ll wait to announce who these are, because currently they’re strung out, overweight, jobless and lacking social graces (OK, insiders, you now can ID them, but please hush up). But after they’ve gone through the PR boot camp and charm school (got this idea from you, Strut), we're confident they will measure up to your standards. Shall we say May?

LJ, please send me the itinerary and I'll be happy to furnish a review on the porcelin accomodations enroute.

We already had you down on the advance team, prarie. Sorry for not letting you know, but it's great to know that we're all on the same page.

__I've got it!!! --- I'll fax over some trou'....

_____
i just cant work this one out????

Waaaah, but i'm overweight, jobless and strung out.

To be sure, many PR regulars fit this profile, prarie. But as a trained 18 wheeler, we thought there would be no way to get you out on the roads on a scooter. Otherwise...

Baron. Just received the fax of the pants (as we call them). And I think they'll fit Bilge just fine (a little baggy in the butt, maybe). Problem is, they're a fax. Can I suggest that you, er, mail them?

The inseam of those pants MUST be at least 37"...I can't stand flood pants...and my waist is 28"...I prefer Levi's, particularly 501's, as I just hate getting uh, stuff, caught in the zipper.

Just an aside some of you may find of interest. Before Bilge was officially signed on the bus tour, he was Mr. Deferential. But boy, has he gotten cocky since. "28" waist," he kept repeating, when we were trying to work out the final order of the guy's names on the side of the bus. And he threatened to withdraw (so to speak) if we ever called him Bidge again.

__email on its way as you read this, it may take a while tho' (big pants and narrow bandwidth) My ISP may even block such a large pair being sent, but i'm onto it. the panic should subside, hang on people, we are nearly there!

_____
i just cant work this one out????

I have conferred a new name to my uh...unit, and it is Bidge...I like it.

I think a two syllable word might closer reflect the size we are talking here. How about Bidget?

For the job ahead of him, prarie, he doesn't need this kind of ridicule. We need to pump up that ego and all that feeds it. Please -- Bilge is our meal ticket out of this joint.

Aye captain. Will start the pumps.

None of you guys EMAILED ME to discuss NY trip. We'd totally be into meeting up. Sheesh.

As some of you may have noticed – Dave’s back. When he learned of the PR stag bus tour we’d put together, he went absolutely donikers and put the kibosh on it -- claims that it would compete for attention with plans for his upcoming book tour (well, no shit). So I’m sorry to say that all your efforts, team, were for naught. If anything is going to come from this, it will have to be arranged through “EMAIL,” as Charmingly suggests.

You’re a mean, self-centered, small-minded man, Dave.

Charmingly Neurotic, I had no idea you were serious. As a traveling comic we tend to think everything is a joke. My schedule for the next while would prevent me from visiting you, plus I'm sure you'd not want to date some down on his luck small town comic moving from place to place. Gals like you who live the big city life of the Apple probably have better men to date than hacks like me.

For all you people out there that like poopcomics I'll be in Pennsylvania for the next few week, playing some small towns, Reamstown on the 21st, Zip Down on the 22nd, Butztown on the 23rd, Yocumtown on the 24th. Then it's off to Australia, I'm really looking forward to my nights at Mt Buggery and Iron Knob!!

If you get a chance keep your eye out for me, my posters look like this:

I'm the BUNGKNOWN COMIC

P.S. What do you call a nurse with dirt on her knees???

Bunga, where on earth did you get that jacket? I have a pair of Salvatore Ferragamo loafers that it would look absolutely darling with.

I think I found that one at a better gentlemen's store in Skidmore MO, not a nice town Skidmore, male hecklers pelted me with used underwear and some woman tossed up a bag of flaming shit. Felt like I was stomping my firstborn.

Well, I always thought the NYC team was serious, and it never occurred to me that two males wouldn’t jump at such a compelling opportunity (thanks for sending the photos – wow). Times have changed, it seems. I’d angle for the trip myself if a few, minor personal aspects of my life were different than they are. So, Strut and Charm, please accept my apologies for promoting this while pretending to know more about these two, um, fellows than I really do.

LJ, now that the road trip is off, I assume you cancelled the tour bus and limo contracts. If you are bound by the scooter lease, maybe Dave will be willing to rent them for his book tour.

Oh great...what the fuck am I supposed to do with all this Patchouli oil?

Sublease my scooters to Dave? Are you nuts? My dreams of being a big-time promoter -- the Don King of PR -- are sitting here at my feet like a big pile of steaming shit. Dave can go fuck himself, as far as I'm concerned.

As you can see I'm very excited about the possibility of meeting Charmingly Neurotic (erotic) but I think she'd need to know me better and I'd be more comfortable knowing her better than just through the superficialities of a poop website. Call me strange but that's the way I am.

P.S. Anyone in New York looking for a BAGMAN? Will work for accomodations, Upper West Side cardboard box preferred.

FREAKS! All of you!

Dave will be posting a poop story I wrote while in India soon. I hope you boys like it.

Way to go, Bunga Dipshit.

I think she meant FREAK in a good way, in either case I adjusted my pic above so the shadow outside (bad kitchen lighting) doesn't confuse anyone to my "package".

_Dont worry about the bus contracts etc. Ive managed to set up a charity for poop challenged kids, If I hook up with the bus co. Im sure that I can arrange, at VERY short notice, a poop exploration weekend for those poor little poopers (god bless them) and thus,use the bus. Just for expediancy here is my fone number:
555. 7667

______
i just cant work this one out????

BVC, if you wish I can get a list of
rest stops/toilet facilities in New Jersey from our ex-governer.

Wow! good idea! as i'm sure that the Ex-Gov. is an absolute authority as regards, erm... places to offload.......... I'm calling the bus company now._______
i just cant work this one out????

Shit!..bus co. said that 'there is no way you are putting those little turds on our bus'...... how inconsiderate? swines, the hole thing has just gone to pot. how do I gently let them down?

they will be broken farted

_______
i just cant work this one out????

Let them down!! The ex-governer had just offered to be their personal tour guide. How am I going to let him down?

_from what I hear, he is more than familiar with being let down, so I shouldn't worry, however, as some form of respite, why don't we get the bus Co. to pick him up, and take him on a shit tour, I don't mind shelling out for it._____
i just cant work this one out????

Sounds good. If you are paying by the hour, I'll see if the current governer can get them a high speed police escort.

_I had to think there, high speed saves my wad! i get it! (well... not as often as I'd like) lemme know about the current Gov's hole take on the thing, it seems a shame to waste a whole bus, on a shit tour, maybe a dioreah tour would be quicker?--- gotta go NOW!!!!______
i just did work this one out????

BVC, I dont have a link (nor would I know how to insert it ((wince)) about Gov Corzine's
95mph crash he survived despite not wearing seatbelts last year. (!)

hey! this thing about the crash...... maybe there was a poop, that helped absorb impact? (think about sliding)

_______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

Baron. We had a pool going about how long it was going to take for you to figure out how to enter text in the right place. You went way past my estimate. Bunga, whose the lucky winner?

I lost...I picked "forever"

Bilge. Remember, it's who was CLOSEST. You're still in the running.

Jimbocc is the winner. Rod tell him what he's won.

You and a guest will fly round trip from Sheboygan Wisconsin to Keokuk Iowa (home of the best tasting water in Iowa) where you will stay at the lovely bed and breakfast of a Miss Gertie Sanchez. Sightseeing will include the Dam on the Missisippi, a quick perusal of the stock yards all while being chaufeurred by Ramo Stott, Pole winner of the 1976 Daytona 500. Nightly entertainment will include comedy performances by the Bungknown comic at Lock and Dam #19, rainwear not provided.

I do enter text in the right place! my bathroom, wherelse would You do it?

geez, arent some people twitchy!

_______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

Sorry, Baron, but you have to understand that we can get bored silly around here sometimes, so we start looking for little things to occupy ourselves. Little minds, little dicks, little mistakes. So one day it’s CEP, the next doniker, then details like your posting technique. Thanks for being a good sport.

_you should never have to apologise for your own shit technique, subliminal as my giggles are, if you can't spot them, then maybe a look sideways may be in order. Lateral thinking even. It works for me, MENSA has confirmed this, but, unlikley as i feel it is, see if you can spot the six sublime references in this post.

______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

Baron. Thanks anyway, but I'm not quite that bored.

Bunga, look at the little leader at the beginning of the Baron's latest post. The contest is back on!!! Bidge may win this after all.

speak for yourself, Logjam.

my dick is HUGE.
_______
i love poop.

And with that, wonderpance has us right back on topic: Beauty and Her Beast.

Wow women poop too?

no, but some of them have huge dicks.

but only a special few actually brag about them.

IES, noooo, don't be silly, women don't poop! what were you thinking? Was this some kind of brain fart? Think about it, the Queen of England *bows gracefully* is without doubt, a woman, and yes, I have met her. Just think, what would happen to the monarchy if people thought that she pooped!!!?? The British Empire would collapse, World order would become unbalanced, catastrophes of biblical proportions, would end in the total collapse of the planet. Of course they don't. the very thought sends a shiver up my colon.

______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

Lizzie is NOT a woman, but a hermaphrodite, who is one of the special ones, constantly bragging that her dick is bigger than Charles'.

Actually, I did see her *bow gracefully* one time and noticed a small brown stain on her backside.

NOOOOOOOOO!!! Don't say that! * running erratically around house, holding forehead* It can't be true! STOP IT! I CANT COPE WITH YO...... * passes out, next to the picture of the Queen*
_______
like a constipated accountant- I worked it out with a pencil.

Wow my friend is still laughing. What are the odds that a one in a million chance comes when there is actually a good looking plumber and...well you know.

What a heartbreaking story! I commend your bravery, however. Calling in a third party to wrangle with your turd is a positive sign that you are taking the poopers manifesto to heart.

"After making her morning ribbons"

lmao, Imma start saying that. "I gotta go make some ribbons, brb."

I do not make shit ribbons very often. Usually they are of medium consistency.

I have been away for a short while, butt picked up (again) on the intro to this post...... here we go....

There was a young lady from Taunton,
with one long tit and a short'un.
To make up for that, she had a fat twat,
and a fart like a 650 Norton.

I thank you! I do Thursday evenings, and a matinee on a Monday at 2

_______

whats that smell?

P.S. well done PD, you are climbing the ranks as predicted.

_______

whats that smell?