So you wanted your Mom to hold your hand while you were taking a shit or did I misread that somehow? Pretty bizarre but well written.

Your story was well written but lacked some funny details. Were there no nicknames the students came up with for the swamp-assed Principal after you told them of your experience (chances are you weren't the first to bear witness to his poo stench).

And this is the first and probably last time I'll ever publicly agree with C. Everett, but your mom?

Bunghole, you should embrace your right wing extremist, capitalist, union busting, homophobic, xenophobic, patriotic, animal hunting tendencies occasionally. Nobody will hate you for it.

CEP writes: "[y]ou should embrace your right wing extremist, capitalist, union busting, homophobic, xenophobic, patriotic, animal hunting tendencies occasionally..."

Then I'd be just another C. Everett Poop: I think one is more than enough.

I was just wondering why the principal had to use the same bathroom as the students did. Back in my high school days, there was a separate bathroom for teachers and the principal.

Seems to me that one of the perks of being the principal is that you have your own crapper--or at least one shared with the teachers.

They always told us the principal is your PAL.I guess we now know that PAL stands for POOPS A LOT.It is very scary to think that our educators have turd terrorists in their ranks.That is why America is proud to have brave men like CEP on patrol.

TBW, I think you are right.

CC, I love that PAL stands for Poops A Lot.

Why does everyone put the first letter of a quote in brackets?

Damn! Why would a princiPAL not flush?

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"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Same here, Big Wiper. When I was in school, the teachers had their own bathrooms in their "lounge" - and the principal would never have lowered himself to the level of pooping among the huddled masses.

Definitely well written, Milan. Welcome to PR - and please stick around! :)

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Pooping since 1976.

Maybe the principal was out patrolling the halls and he couldn't hold it until he got to the faculty restroom, so he crapped in the students' crapper. Maybe he has his own story about that and it will one day grace the pages of PoopReport. Wouldn't that be a cosmic coincidence?

KOC, the reason the first letter of the quote is in brackets is because the original first letter was in a different case, so it is in brackets because it is ever so slightly different from the original.

I think he's sweet to want his Mom there to remind him to wipe and flush and to tell him everything is okay. Besides, she would have just walked him to the restroom not WATCHED, you sickos.

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"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

I am seeing the principal from Beavis and Butthead in my mind while reading this, and it's not pretty.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969

I always shit in school. I usually used the pooping to cover up my smoking in the boys room.

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See what's happening on The Dumpster Debacle
Poop Shooter!

I see the principal from Porky's.He takes a picture of the dump and posts it around school and tells eveyone he does not tolerate that type of shit in his school and offers a reward to capture the turd terrorist.

Milan-- I agree with Bunghole; it was an interesting story, I think because we can relate to having to GO at school. It wasn't laugh-out-loud funny, but it could be. Still, I enjoyed reading it.

Not bad. I agree that it's weird to want your mom hold your hand while you poop, but I think Milan was just trying to make a point of how much agony he was in.

Milan, what grade were you in when this happened? And how long ago was it? This is a very well-told story, from a high-school point of view.

It was last year. I was a freshman.

And, I don't what kind of person has never had their own mother hold their hand while they poop. It's a must!

It Happened last year, I was a freshman.

Ad if you've never had your mother hold your hand while you poop....It wonderful :)

Um... maybe when I was 3 and constipated... but not in high school...

maybe it's a guy thing. probably not, though.

I sure hope you're being sarcastic Milan. lol

So you are now a sophomore in high school and fantasizing about your mother holding your hand while you poop?

Son, may I suggest you talk to somebody?

Sarcasm:

A cutting, often ironic remark intended to wound.
A form of wit that is marked by the use of sarcastic language and is intended to make its victim the butt of contempt or ridicule.

Irony:

1. A statement that, when taken in context, may actually mean the opposite of what is written literally.

2. (Colloq.) The quality or state of an event being both coincidental and contradictory in a humorous or poignant and extremely improbable way.

3. (Colloq.) An unfortunate and coincidental turn of events that could have been avoided had all parties involved known more.

Dumpster: A man who loves good grammar better than good sex.

Don't you have a sunday school class to teach?

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"Odor in the court! The judge is eating beans--his wife is in the bathtub counting submarines." Author Unknown

Hey, good grammar is sexy! :)

But AB, that's what I thought in the first place, but sometimes it's the same case and I still see the brackets. Why?

Maybe the principal wanted to see what the student crap holes were like.

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"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Bunghole: Taught the class, and came home. Needed to fast and pray, and think about Scandinavian swimsuits, and the meaning of the letter J, and other things. "From women's eyes this doctrine I derive:/They sparkle still the right Promethean fire;/They are the books, the arts, the academes,/That show, contain, and nourish all the world."

GGG: Grammar + sex = We were meant for each other. "It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves."

KOC: "Out, damned spot! out, I say!"

Biron, ye ain't...

Bunghole, I tried googling "Biron," and, based on what I found, I'm more than happy to agree with you.

'Course, I acknowledge I ain't "Byron," either, but....

" I casually walked down to the restroom. A calming song rang in my head, giving me comfort. Oh, how I wanted my beloved mom to be holding my hand right about now." Right about now specfically refers to him being in the hallway, not on the toilet, not shitting, not having his mother hold his hand while he was doing it. It was a thought he had to comfort himself. To have your teenage son think of you as his "beloved Mom" at that age is not sick. It's a miracle if they think of you at all at that age, much less show affection.

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"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

you people are so gullible

So, Dumpster. Are you saying that you can conjugate whilst conjugating? Or vice versa?

I like it when her subordinate clause is the direct object of my dangling participle, causing her to utter some improper nouns as I split her infinitive. Sadly, however, for Dumpster, all of that is presently in the past tense.

Ha ha ha! Very halarious. I'm a high school geometry teacher that works for a fat ass principal and I think I have a student named Milan too.

That's because you didn't employ the use of an auxilary verb, TD.

Auxiliaries aside, it's the *dangling* portion of that phrase that most likely caused Dumpie the trouble.

Yes, but auxiliaries--much like Bunga Dildos--can momentarily "fill in" while uttering conjuntions-- if, and or butt-- until such time the dangling participle again converges in the present tense.

Yeah, well maybe I'm just in a bad mood, although, unlike those of your gender, I can't blame it on my period.

Guess I'll just have to say that I'm tense because of problems with my colon being intransitive.

***Expletive deleted!***

Ahhhh (comma) at least it's not a semicolon otherwise you'd be in some DEEP shit(exclamation)

I think it would have to be a semi-colon. TD's ass is notoriously an "independent cause," unless one were to add another butt in between.

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"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

Didn't you mean an independent "Claus," my dear? You know, ever since Mrs. Santa went through the climacteric, I've been looking for a ho, ho, ho....

It is Christmas Eve. Santa comes down the chimney of the house of a good-looking young girl (say, RD) who greets him wearing a sheer negligee.

"Oh, Santa; won't you stay with me?" she asks.

"Ho, ho, ho! Santa's gotta go! Santa's got toys to deliver, you know!!"

"But, Santa, can't you stay just a little while?" she purrs, dropping a strap.

"Ho, ho, ho! Santa's gotta go! Santa's got toys to deliver, you know!!"

"Ooh, Santa!" she moans, letting the negligee drop to the floor. "Stay with me, PLEASE!!"

"Hey, hey, hey! Santa's gotta stay! Santa can't get up the chimney this way!!"

ho ho ho, hod de doh.

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Don't just sit there: Have a Farting Contest!

"A Farting Contest," Bungie? What are the rules?

Yes, that's right TD, I have a thing for slightly rotund older men with gray hair. I'd never let Santa get away without letting him deck my halls with his bough of jolly. I've been leaving milk and cookies out all these years and haven't gotten lucky yet, but I'm still hoping.

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"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

RD, make sure next year you leave some nude photos of yourself under the milk glass. Feel free to send to them to me and I'll tell you which one is the best for Santa!! This will definately get Oh Mr. Jolly in to the proper position!!

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See what's happening on The Dumpster Debacle
Poop Shooter!

You know you really think he would have come my way by now considering he and the reindeer use "the moon" as astral navigation.

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"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

DAMN, I meant ASStral navigation.

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"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

When all else fails, RD, stop dropping the hints. Go to the mall this Christmas, sit on his lap and tell him exactly what you want from him.

I was fascinated to come across the article headed 'Behind Door #2'. I wondered what part of speech the word 'Behind' was in the title. A preposition, or a noun, or an adjective?

Milan says 'Taking a dump at school is a feared act.' Actually, it wasn't for me. In the schools I went to, the toilets were in good condition, clean, locks on the door, and paper, and no bullying. In my first school, the toilets were lower than at home, which meant I could sit with my feet on the floor. Usually I was ready to do my #2 before leaving for school after my breakfast. I ALWAYS pulled my trousers down to sit, but occasionally, as no doubt happens to everyone, I had a stubborn bottom. As my feet were still quite a bit above the ground, I had nothing to press against while I squeezed. On those occasions I set off to school, and the exercise to my thighs provided by the five minute walk, meant that I was ready for the 'Behind Room' when I got to school. Several other boys were in the same boat (pun intended). One boy could never get into the bathroom after breakfast because his older sister was doing her hair and making herself up. So it wasn't a 'feared act'. The school authorities looked after the toilets, and this gave us incentives to keep them clean. I know of course that this doesn't happen in every school. But perhaps every boy should learn to sit on a toilet away from home, without family around. This is something we have to do later on in life. School is a place of learning - and this is one lesson we all have to learn. (This is less of a problem for girls, who sit for both functions.)

But what I would NOT have liked is for teachers to use the same toilets as students. When we went on school trips, we always made sure that we were not in toilets when teachers were in.

C Everett Poop thinks that a boy wanting to hold his mother to hold his hand is a bit bizarre. I suppose all of us have had someone when we were very tiny, giving us some assistance like holding our hand - partly to give assurance when doing something new or difficult, and, in this case, giving us something to push against, when it won't come out. It is traumatic for a child to transfer from a potty to a toilet.

In my case, it was my older brother who did a lot of the toilet training for me. Our mother had several miscarriages after he was born, and when I finally arrived, he was aged nine. A serious studious boy, he wanted to share in my upbringing, and quickly learned to change nappies, and allowed me to see him sitting on the toilet. This was a good role model for me, and by the time I was three I was able to cope on my own, including wiping myself clean. For a time, there was someone hanging around outside, to make sure I was OK. It is important for children to look after themselves in the toilet at as early age as possible, because of the danger of child abuse.

But what I now want to relate is something tragic. The question of the 'mom' being there to hold Milan's hand - I have heard of that before. There was a boy at our school, a very timid, nervous lad, whose mother wouldn't 'let go'. Into his teens, if he was in the toilet along while - they had a separate toilet apart from the bathroom - she would shout 'Are you OK?' Regularly she would barge in - his parents wouldn't allow a lock on the door - and say, 'Do you want me to wipe your bottom?' He never dared say 'No thanks, I am OK'.

This didn't affect his school work, and he was quite bright, but it did affect his relationships with other pupils. He lived fairly near to my best friend and myself, and usually walked down with us. He told us about this problem, which was part of a wider problem of possessive parents. He also told us that he didn't like his mother seeing his 'equipment', and had tried just pulling his trousers down far enough to uncover his bottom. When she saw this, she said sharply 'Pull your trousers down properly'.

My friend and I told him he could use our toilet, and he did on one or two occasions. After a few days, his mother tackled him, thinking he hadn't been 'going', because there was no smell in the toilet when she went in after he had gone to school. He told her the reason, that she wasn't allowing him to grow up. He also told her that going to the toilet should be an enjoyable and relaxing affair, but she had made him very uptight. He said he was now of an age when he should be allowed to look after personal matters. She gave way, but she and his father took it out on him in other ways - they made him leave school at 16 (even though he was regarded as university material), get a job in an office, took all his money off him and gave him what pin money they thought he needed. If he asked for any more, they gave him a grilling on what he had spent it on.

When I had gone to university, I heard that he had died. Suicide was suspected, but there was an open verdict.

For me, sitting my bare posterior on the toilet seat is the perfect way to start the day. For that tragic boy, what should be a relaxing, enjoyable and therapeutic activity had become a morning nightmare.

That is horrible! Insisting on wiping your teenaged son's ass is nothing less than child abuse, as far as I'm concerned. How psycho do you have to be to even WANT to? Ugh.

I know it's a horrible, insensitive thing to say, but I hope that not a day goes by that they don't blame themselves for what happened to their son... and pray that they never had any other children.

great story but when i was in high school the principal had there ow shitter

Milan's thoughtful article has provoked a lot of comment, quite a lot of it of an intellectual nature.

Ironically, he feels more secure on the toilet at home, but much less so in school, whereas the boy whose mother kept barging in learned to feel more secure at school where there were locks on the door, and a sensible ethos had been developed.

One of my university professors used to say that many parents never cut the umbilical cord. This isn't literal, of course, but it means that they refuse to look upon their child as an independent person, with a life of his/her own. The lockless bathroom door is a symbol of this attitude.

It is all to do with the sociology of power. The parents of the unfortunate boy who probably took his own life seem to have thought that since they had given him life, every part of his body, mind and soul still belonged to them. Most of us have had to 'break free' at some time in our lives. But sensible parents allow 'negotiation'.

I feel so lucky that my parents aren't all up in all my business all the time, yet they still care. They are there when they need to be (or feel they need to, and they usually end up being right). Since shoving me off to college, my parents have gotten a lot closer to breaking off, though we still stay connected and I come to see them every few weeks. Though we will grow farther apart as time goes on, I pretty much decide for myself when I might need Dad's advice or when Mom can help me do something. We have accepted that I've grown up and I should learn to be my own person now.

... and I've been wiping myself and doing my business alone since I was 4 or something.

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Um, yeah. My sig. So, about that... I'm not doing one this week.

Turdologist, that was a great comment. Would you please consider joining this site as a regular?

My girlfriend, Hermione, had parents who would not allow her to close her bedroom door unless she was dressing. I don't know what they were worried about her getting up to in there, but it has made her into one of the most reserved human beings I have ever met. She says I am the first person who has ever gotten "inside her bubble," and, seeing as how we were childhood friends, it has taken ME--Mr. Right--the better part of four decades!

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Send all your money to Bilgepump, or to Dave!

Michael Merde (is this a French surname?)describes his own happy toilet development. An intelligent mother, and a caring brother, are worth more than their weight in gold.

I was an only child, as was my cousin. The grandmother we share had two daughters, and each of them had a son. Gran is still the family matriarch, and our closeness to her means that I have always been close to my cousin. The nearest thing to a good brother. We bonded when we were younger, partly through his helping me with my toilet training. It's a matter where we are still shameless with each other.

I was telling him about the unfortunate boy in Michael's contribution to this thread, whose mother wouldn't leave him alone on toilet and other matters.

He tells me that he could believe this. There were one or two at his school who preferred to go at school rather than home, because of possessive parents.

When I was growing up my best friend, who lived across the street, had a really possessive mother who would come into the bathroom when she was on the stool both at home and at public places. One morning, after I had stayed over with them, Beth's mom barged in through the closed bathroom door and was looking for something in the cabinet. Although I was quite surprised and even offered her the toilet is she needed it, she just seemed to blow her intrusion off. Once Beth & I got out of school early and as we were walking to her room, her mom was on the toilet, door wide open and thinking nothing of it. I just got accustomed to that when I was over there, although as we got older, I tried to avoid using the bathroom over there (going at the park down the street, etc., before we brought our bikes home). This also spread over to our school. In middle school, and even the first couple years of high school, Beth would want me to come into the stall with her and talk while she peed. I did it a few times, but then made the excuse that I too had to pee and I would go in an adjacent stall. Once she was in my stall while I was pooping and there was a knock on the door. A teacher was suspicious and ordered her out. We both got a 30-minute detention.