I probably would have matched my pants to your windshield and swerved straight in to a ditch if a pile of dook crushed my windshield like that. Props to you for keeping your nerve, but I can't help but imagining the bird going home and bitching about how you kept on truckin to his lady bird, who then promptly shows him up to the next commuter..

My grandfather always warned us kids to never point at a bird overhead, lest that bird return the greeting.

Legend was he took my then-young father to a nature preserve, where they scared up a large bird. Directing my father's attention to it with an outstretched arm and extended index finger, my grandfather was rewarded with a glancing blow of bird poop. (It adds an extra depth to the story when I mention it was his forehead upon which the blow glanced.)

All I know for sure is few living members of my family will point at a bird in flight.

I wonder if you scared a flock of birds that took flight. As soon as they lift off, they empty themselves so that they will be lighter for flying. Wild turkeys and pea fowl spend the night in trees. If you drove under them and scared them into flight, you might just have been the recipient of their blast off ballast tank purging.

One time as I was approaching the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, a swan released a huge load from so high up that it sounded like my windshield broke as it hit, but it did not cover more than a quarter of the passenger side. It happened so fast my passenger did not scream and then like a true lady did not discuss the shit on the windshield as the wipers and washer did their best as substitute bulldozers to remove the heavy-duty duty. Like goose poop, it was more solid than liquid and mostly brownish green. It makes me glad that there is sort of a size limit to flying animals. Think about pterodactyls flying overhead and letting go--literal shit bombs.

I was going to guess it was a heron before I read to the end. There are two of those bastards at my marina and when they shit on my boat, it looks like someone dumped a gallon of paint on the deck, except it smells terrible and takes an hour to scrub off.

Never been shat on by a pelican, but I worked a season ringing seabirds on a remote Scottish island. The worst by far were fulmars. They shit as soon as you grab them - revolting greasy, fishy, rotten, stinking slime.

We wore overalls over our clothes and these had wide slits as pockets. A favourite trick was to grab a fulmar and ring its leg with its ass aimed down a colleagues overall slit. The stench never, ever, left your clothes no matter how many times they got washed.

Canada geese supposedly defecate every 8 minutes while awake. They fly high, in a V formation. I have never been bombed by one; the only place I've ever seen their droppings is on the ground where they are feeding or nesting. In several parks I have visited, people who walk around must be very careful not to step in goose turds; they are everywhere. I assume they let go on the wing also. Their poop is greasy gray-green.

Powersoak.......I am familiar with turkeys roosting in trees. Years ago I lived in Selma Alabama and liked to go squirrel hunting in the Talladega national forest.
(Sorry Daphne, I don't do it anymore, honest). I would arrive in the forest early in the morning, before sunrise, so I could ambush the tasty little rodents when they came out for breakfast.

On this particular morning I had taken up an ambush position under a huge pine tree from where I was afforded a great view of a hillside covered with oak trees. Acorns are a favored breakfast food for the southern grey squirrel.

As the sun came up I started hearing movement in the top of the tree under which I sat. The flapping sound of huge wings made me think I had entered a time warp and was back in the Jurassic era.

I was sitting under a flock of roosting turkeys that soon, with a noisy flapping of wings, took their morning dump as they winged off for a day of foraging. The shit splattered on the ground around me but luckily I was not hit.

Thunderbox....Thank you for adding a new word to my wildlife vocabulary. The fulmar is an attractive bird but I have no desire to get a whiff of its poop.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

May have been a buzzard. There's a group of them that roost in a tree on the shore of a lake near where I live. The ground around this tree is so completely covered with white buzzard shit it looks like someone poured concrete.

Herons are the avian version of B-52s.

One day when I was in primary school (third grade) the teacher interrupted class and rushed us all outside to the edge of the playground under strict orders to be extremely quiet. There we saw a majestic bird not four yards from our feet. It was a great blue heron.

The teacher told us to be still so as not to spook it. The bird stood in place long enough for the teacher to get us out there and set up a video camera. Beautiful and majestic the heron allowed our teacher to get quite close with her recorder. Then, after about fifteen minutes, it spread it wings and took off with a whoosh.

We watched it's graceful flight up over the football field and across the tree line. Just as it passed the road beyond the trees it let loose one of the biggest dumps I've ever seen right over the windshield of little red subcompact car. White shit bathed the car's hood, wind shield and part of the roof. The spell of quiet was broken, we cheered for the heron and laughed as the poor driver of the car tried wash the bomb off with his puny wipers.

Hum Bunger......Thank you for such a well written comment. Enough people have described the awesome size of the heron turd that I feel it has added to the veracity of my story. Since I spent a number of years in the Air Force I particularly like your depiction of the heron as the B-52
of the avian world.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Hmm, the birds I worked with who pooped the largest where herons (super dangerous things, herons - I am terrified of them), turkey vultures, and eagles.

Chief, I'd rather hear about people hunting and eating animals than buying them at a grocery store that purchases from a commercial slaughterhouse. How much meat do you get from a squirrel? It seems that you'd have to kill quite a few of the little guys. (I do love the little gray squirrels.)

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Granddad always referred to the great blue heron as a shit-a-quart. I thought that was what they were called until I went to school. Logic would dictate that birds would lighten the load before takeoff, but no! They get airborne, then blow out the ballast. Why? Malice perhaps?

I've volunteered at a wildlife rehab center for over 3 years & from what you described, you may have been unrighteously annointed by a Great Horned Owl, a Red Tailed Hawk, a Swainson' Hawk, a Golden Eagle, or any other large predatory bird. If there was a pond nearby that sustained Heron with fish, or reptiles, it could very well have been them. The poo would have smelled overwhelmingly like an unwashed oily fish market in the late hot afternoon. Blech! We have a joke at the Wildlife Rehab center, that you're not a real volunteer until you've been "baptized" by one of our avian bombers, either owl, hawk, or heron!

If King or Hitchcock or Serling wrote a Poop Report it might very well be similar to The Chief's story.Imagine Tipi Hedren being chased by birds who kept pooping on her.You could have The Chief driving his truck and seeing a big pile of shit.Rod Serling could come out of a port a potty and tell us The Chief entered The Twilight Zone.Hitchcock could come onto the TV screen after we hear a toilet flush and introduce the story.

A friend of mine once scared a black bear up a tree, and started filming it after he got his video camera. While he was filming, the nervous bear let loose a massive load of scat. My friend looked like he was covered with rasberry jam and fudge. I laughed so hard I almost had an accident myself.

Daphne....I never weighed one but I would guess that a grey squirrel would yield a carcass of a pound or better. One good thing about using them for food is there is little smell when you clean them. This is a plus in the winter since you can prepare them in the warm comfort of your home.
Yes...their shit doesn't stink.

People think of venison when they think of the food of the early frontiersmen but in reality the squirrel was a mainstay in their diet. Young animals are good fried and older ones make a very tasty stew.

They are cute animals but I have read that they are the probable cause of many unexplained house fires in America each year. They can enter your attic through the tiniest opening and are incessant gnawers who don't mind chewing your wiring and going out in a blaze of glory, along with your home.

PD....I can picture your friend covered with bear shit. I choked on my morning cup of tea when I read your account. I can almost smell him and his aroma is not pleasant.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Chief, the ones that have a taste for electrical wires are usually eaten fried.

Hey chief, how does squirrel compare to beaver?
Hi Daphne!
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Happy Crappin'
Homegrown Media Network

It would depend on the beaver, some are sweet while others can be quite tart.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

HowleyKook, where have you been? WHERE'S MY ICING????!!! (heehee)

It's good to see you!

Chief, I've also read that chipmunks cause tons and tons of house damage on the outside from chewing in wires and burrowing. It's a shame, really, because I think both squirrels and chipmunks are sweet creatures. When we would get an orphaned litter of gray squirrels in at the rehab, I loved to feed them their bottles. They were sweet and receptive and very affectionate. Of course they got crotchety as they got older, but what personalities! The red squirrels were meaner, but still interesting.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

i remember reading of someone having crystallized poo break their windshield while driving out somewhere... turns out it was (yep, you guessed it right) the airplane thing. bloody creepy if you ask me (and deadly too)

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i see dead poople :s

CTB, a few years ago I was driving my 1989 Camero down the street(don't laugh, I thought I was cool back then)As I looked ahead I saw a squadron of gulls flying toward me.A few seconds later I hear A "BOOM,BOOM,BOOM!It felt like someone threw a pumpkin on top of my car.As I looked in my rearview mirror I could see my back window covered in seagull shit!Being from Oakland,I had a Raider decal that took up the whole rear window that was covered in shit !I could see a Forty niner fan behind me laughing his ass off.

Eeeeeeew...I got hit in the leg once, it wasn't a whole lot, just from a small bird. It was gross, I just took a shower. I can't imagine gettin shat on like that. Birds suck.

I took my second wife to Duluth, Minnesota for one of our anniversaries, and walked her along the piers and the harbor on Lake Superior, intending to dine at one of the really fancy lakeside restaurants, and I was dive bombed by a seagull...a glancing blow to the head, and covering my shoulder. I had to stop in a shop and buy a new shirt for dinner, my wife laughed all night long...that is until we got back to the hotel and I rubbed my head in her face.

That is quite possibly the worst sentence I have ever constructed in my entire life. Sorry about that.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Another hilarious classic by the chief! Especially when you got to the part about the windshield wipers. I am currently having this problem with my windshield wipers because I'm too much of a lazy bastard to change the wiper fluid. In our case, fortunately, the problem is bugs, but the fucking bastards are actually chipping little pieces out of the windshield on impact. It's fucking horrible!

The story made me recall an incident that occurred when I was a child, but it was not a windshield. It was my nose! Some bird, likely one of the brewer's blackbirds nesting in the willow trees above me, let fly and actually bulls-eyed me right on the center of the nose. Of course it was in front of two other kids whom I was trying to impress with my coolness. And of course they laughed and ran off. Such is life for a perpetual dork.

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Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

Ha......this reminds me of the time me and my family went to NYC for a weekend. We were all dressed up one evening, going to see a show........and a seagull decided to shit all over my Dad's head and shoulders...........I was HOWLING with laughter.....I almost fell to the ground. My sister was cracking up too, but she managed to get her giggles under control much sooner than I, and poor Dad was glaring at me. I probably laughed damn near all the way to the venue.......

I STILL laugh whenever I think of that evening.