i'm angry for you.

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all aboard the farty train to pooterville..if you can't shit at my house, we aren't friends

That was a good story.

I laughed out loud.

Thank you.

Great story, brappy, and at least you gave those ladies a good laugh, really made their day.

Pity your butt was empty, or you could have doubled over and shot a stream of wet shit straight into that bastard`s crotch.

Brappy,

The next time you get into a jam in the "city" look for one of the hotels. The door captains don't like confrontation with anyone who struts in like a guest. In fact they will usually clear the way for you if you explain things with the right conviction.

Oh yeah, starbucks jaggoff! I hope you shit yourself and someone is there to screw with you!!!

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Happy Crappin'
www.homegrownmedia.com

Good Idea Howley.. now that I dont live there anymore I wont have as many chances to take advantage of it but Ill remember it!

You're a brave soul and I commend you! I probably would have been too polite and asked permission first, only to be turned down. I think I would have pooped in a trash can or some place that would need to be cleaned up by one of those snotty snots.

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Although I don't condone it, that story is just asking for a turd terrorism counter attack.

You got cut off during the launch sequence by somebody who's best employment options are to make coffee? Dude, you should have walked out into the parking lot (assuming that they have a parking lot) and left the steamer between a couple of cars.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yeah, a between a couple of benz's! Right on, DP!

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Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

I want to know more. Was this an employee bathroom that also stored cleaning supplies? I think the employee had justification for his actions. After all, imagine if someone comes up to you at work and says, "Brappy! Some sweaty dude with shaky knees just cut the customer bathroom line, kicked over a bucket, and locked himself in the employee bathroom!" I've seen Starbucks' bathrooms -- they get pretty damned defiled. I wouldn't want some incontinent ass spray painting the only clean shitter I have access to all day... If you destroy his clean shitter, what is he going to do? Wait in line for the bathroom at the Starbucks across the street?

Wow what a jerk you should have shat on the floor or something since it was such and issue you could not use the can.

I would go back to that Starbucks every day for the rest of my life, lock the bathroom door and twist a big one in the sink.

Brappy, that is a frustrating and unfortunate situation. But you shouldn't expect everybody to accept your problem.

It's very possible that Starbucks has a damn good reason for not wanting people in a room that is not designated for public use - insurance reasons perhaps. Any maniac could go in there, drink a quart of Drano and then sue the company. Sure, luring you in there with a propped open door was entrapment, and Starbucksdouchebag could have handled it better. But you were in the wrong.

At the very least you could have addressed a store employee and asked quick permission. If you had barged into my place of business, gone into the janitorial closet without permission, and then gotten in my face when I caught you shitting in there; you would have departed in the company of frantic paramedics.

He kicked in the door huh? What in Gods name was so valuable in that room that the door had to be kicked in? People a turd terrorist attack is not only warranted here it is highly encouraged. Lets see. He kicks open the door and there you are nude with your pants down. I think at this point I would have just said dude give me a second Im almost there and then just let loose with that torrent of diahreah and gas. I mean really LEAN INTO IT. Get it all over the place. A real operation Shock and Awwwwww! I wouldnt have stopped either until my bowels were completely empty. Do NOT use the toilet you are already standing. Make that ignorant piece of shit wish he hadnt even put his foot NEAR the door. Damn i wish I had been in your shoes. I would have put on a show that those ladies would be talking about for years to come.
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

I HATE STARBUCKS!!! And I hate the junkies who line up for a 4 friggin dollar piece of shit Latte. I should actually buy stock, Because the dolts who say "OH I have to have my Starbuck's" are hepling that company make money hand over friggin fist for some coffe and vanilla flavored hot milk. Or a coffee vanilla milk shake.
Oh sorry. Bitter? yes. And so is their coffee.
I think the Starbuck's "barista" tron had been drinking too much of his own shit.

Brappy, I'm sorry you had a case of the liqui-shits in Manhattan. You are correct, that it is the worst place for an ass pee attack. There is nowhere to shit. But, the Starbucks dude was right on, for several reasons.

First, I used to work at Barnes and Noble Cafe, which was like a Starbucks but not quite, as well as several other retail establishments. The baristas have a hard enough day getting burned, cut, and scalded, as well as putting up with asshats. So I can certainly understand the guy's anger. If I had a customer in an off-limits area, you can bet I would have kicked the door in myself, especially if a bunch of shrill, middle-aged women came up and once screeching. That's what would have *really* set me off. I have had to kick customers out of all sorts of places, and trust me, my ears had smoke coming out of them. I used to kick people out of my storeroom at a small store because while it was the only toilet (the mall's were very close) it was employees ONLY for a reason--we kept stock and cash back there.

But the big reason was safety. A random person locking themselves in a storage area is cause for a thousand alarms to go off. That is what ROBBERS tend to do. I once had a manager who was held at gunpoint after the store closed by two guys who did what you did--they sneaked into a storage room. No one but you knew you had the shits, so think of it from their perspective. First and foremost, it's a safety issue, and you're lucky no one called the cops. Also, you could have tripped or burned yourself with a chemical cleaning fluid.

Please don't thihk I'm doggin' you, because trust me, I understand the desperation, and otherwise it's a great story--I can really feel your anger, and it's almost like I was there. But stop to think what this looked like to those around you.
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Assaulting toilets since 1977!

This entire episode screams of a total lack of common sense used by the employee in question. I'm imaging a nineteen year old male with a false sense of authority and can't stop thinking of all the fast food managers I've encountered in my life who act is if it's not McDonald's, but Idi Amin's House of Burgers.

We're not talking about a secretive turd terrorist, we're talking about someone in the cleaning room who yells not only that it's an emergency, but that he's sick. Most of us in that state would have found taking the time ask permission to be impossible.

Not only does the employee overact, but he destroys company property. What good comes from breaking the door to your workplace's cleaning supply room? AND, what good would have come if any of the cleaners from the top shelf fell off from the vibrations and landed on the author's head, or worse yet, broke open and got into his eyes?

It is a good point that the employee might have needed something out of that closet, but if he was lax enough to leave the closet open in such close proximity of a line of coffee drinkers with full bladders and empty heads, well, then, that wasn't the best choice, either. My guess is that he was supposed to keep that closet locked at all times and the author using the toilet was proof that someone had fucked up.

Then again, maybe the toilet was an extra and wasn't actually attached to the plumbing - hence its location - and the author accidentally pulled a Steve-O. Maybe that's why the employee kicked the door in - he was freaking out over the fact that someone was crapping in an unnattached toilet.

Heh.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

P.S. The title for this story is excellent.

Dave, your doing, or Brappy's?

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

I hate to defend Starbucks, but it was private property and your diarrhea was not their problem.

Great story.

This whole site is filled with New Yorkers who have been traumatized and made crazy by the scandalous lack of public toilets here. You don't "go in the bushes", there are no bushes. You find a toilet or you crap your pants. (Anyone catch the Japanese tourists in Times Square on New Years Eve wearing diapers? I rest my case.)

You can't blame the business owners. If they're generous and permissive with their facilities, they get overrun instantly.

It's a great city and I truly love it but boy do I hate not being able to count on a toilet being available when I need it.

I hate Starbucks and if it was me I would have (although I am not litigous mind you) sued the shit out of Starbucks for traumatizing me. I had the same problem in Boston, I had to mentally note where Starbucks were around the city because McDonalds is apparently too hoity toity to let people use their bathrooms without paying. Doesn't McDonalds realize that a rather large percentage of people enter their establishments for the sole purpose of shitting?

As a city truck driver, I spent a good part of 30 years in NYC. I worked most of the time in the, shall we say, less desireable neighborhoods. The only time I ever really had problems finding toilets was when I visited the better parts of Manhattan. Maybe the problem is because of all the tourists, who cant seem to crap at their hotels. As far as the outer boroughs, there were always toilets available, if you didn't mind sitting on something that resembled a third world garbage dump. Hey, and if all else failed, I always had that big 53' rolling outhouse behind me.

As I'm reading these posts, I think we're missing the essence of the situation. The brappy was in a desperate way and, as is well-known, desperate times call for desperate measures. Yet, we're expecting sanity and reason to solve this problem.

What would have probably worked for brappy was just to blurt out like something like "I'm contagious. Close the damn door!" or start growling and barking like a big crazed dog or scream at the coffee boy, "I'm the frickin' regional manager. Close that damn door now and turn in your green apron." or "Don't let them find me. I'm too young to die." By the time coffee-boy figured out what to do, having already closed the door, brappy could have shit and run.
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

All he had to do was yell "I just ate at White Castle" and he probably would have cleared out the store. The old ladies would have been hurdling the tables like OJ in a Hertz commercial.

I work at Starbucks, and personally I would have probably called the cops if a customer refused to come out of an EMPLOYEES ONLY area. There's usually a good reason some areas are off limits to customers. The presence of a toilet doesn't negate the fact that you weren't supposed to be in there, and in my opinion the employee wasn't the douchebag in this instance, you were.

You have to love those corporate types who follow the rules. This sounds like the guy from Old Navy who let a teenage IBS sufferer shit herself in his store because he wasn't able to make an executive decision that wasn't already lined out for him to follow by his nose.

Well, Anonymous, I hope that you get caught somewhere, sometime, in a real pinch like this author was, and you are surrounded by people who are just as assfucked by rules and regulations as you are.

I have no tolerance for this kind of inability to be human. If it's so important, keep the closet locked and don't blame someone who's suffering to take advantage of the toilet they see because, oh, I don't know, they'd like to reserve their human dignity and not soil themselves.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

When a business is open to the public their is a fine line to what should be tolerated.

These places are in business to cater to their customers but of course the customer must respect the fact that certain parts of the building are off limits to the public.

As far as this story goes:

if I were a customer I would be on this guys side.

if I were working at this store I would be against him.

there is no wrong or right here.

Some great varying opinions here. My take on it is this:

In the 2000 Census Manhattan (22.96 sq. Miles) had a population of 1,537,195 (per wikipedia).

Per this guy "http://www.starbuckseverywhere.net/NewYorkCity.htm" there are 158 stores in manhattan alone.

Now lets pretend 1 in 100 people get the mad shits away from home and need an emergency stop. Thats 15,370 emergency shits in manhattan/day. (assuming tourists dont exist, and we all know travellers diahrhea sucks ass).

Now if everyone shits at Starbucks (aside from the fact they'd be really fulla shit) thats 97.3 emergency shits per day per store. Could your home shitter handle 97.3 assplosions (not counting regular shits) a day!?!?!

1) Shame on the facility for "propping the door open", thats most likely just a lazy employee trying to make their life easier.

2) I've had the mad shits before, and any port in a storm (especially a shitstorm) is going to be justified in your eyes at the time of the deed.

3) Customer service jobs suck and I am not saying you deserved to be treated in the fashion you were. But if the manager guy had been dealing with 1000 manhattaners (enough to make me go ballistic) for the last few hours, I have some empathy for him.

thanks for all of the replies. Interesting points. First of all, I lived in NYC for 10 years.. I know the vibe.. millions of people walking around in a rush, everyplace is overcrowded, everthing is overpriced... and everyone is a hair trigger away from snapping at anyone.. for anything.

I've thought more about it and while of course I know how much customer service jobs suck, this guy was still an asshole, here's why:

First of all, I 'met' him.. trust me.. he was a hot-headed prick.. a real 'tough guy' with a real nyc 'attitude'.

Secondly, he could have said 'sir, im about to open the door up' and then opened it up and come in or stuck his head in to see what was going on. He knew what was going on and just wanted to take out some of his hostility on me. He just kicked the door open and walked away. He wasn't concerned about my 'safety' or if i was robbing the place. He could have done his job and gotten me out of there a different way.

The happy ending is that my business was finished.. it was finished before my ass hit the bowl. I was already wiping when i got in that shouting match with him.

In my 30 odd years in NYC, I would say that 99% of the people I dealt with were ok. Most of the remaining 1% just came on strong, but were ok once you got to know them. The remaining few were real dicks. These, I either ignored, or if confronted I told them that their miserable existence meant nothing to me, and trying to bully me will be painful one way or another. This guy sounds like one of those. I hope he broke the door, and has to explain it to his boss, who probably is an asshole also.

You should've just turned around and blasted ass vomit all over that douchebag's face.

Pooologist, dont mince words. Tell us how you really feel. We can take it.

turd terrorism

I always like to leave a double crapachino.

I think this is like one of those religious/political type debates. There is no real good guy or bad guy here. In the employee's favor are the arguments of off limits areas, following employers' rules and regulations, and just generally not wanting a public person shitting in the private employee restroom. In the customer's favor, it was an emergency, there was a long line, and he had no intention of messing up the place. If a suicide crapper walked into my toilet and let loose, I'm not sure how I'd feel. There will always be people in favor of the Starbucks suicide crapper and his ideals, while others will stand for the military establishment of the TP and mop bucket wall constructed by Starbucks themselves.

The real issue here lies in the same place as the issue in Israel, a foreign party who has intervened and left the nation to deal with the mess. In this case, MIDDLE AGED LADIES!!! They're everywhere! What the hell takes up so much time on a toilet? Even when pregnant I can move faster than my mother. What takes me five seconds takes her five minutes. Is there some ordinance that says any woman older than 50 has to take infinite time in the bathroom?

Perhaps if we solve this mystery and find a cure, no more problems like this will arise.

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Born right the first time.

Heh heh heh.
I thought the same thing as daphne. i.e. its a spare shitter in the store room, and its not connected to anything!
That would be even funnier than the Jackass stunt, especially if it toppled over (after brappy had finished, of course).
I've never been to a Starbucks, so I don't know what the staff are like.
BTW- The act of going to McDonald's for the sole purpose of using their dunny is known as 'going for a McShit'. If challenged by the staff, and promising to purchase a food item when you come out, this is known as a 'McShit with Lies'.

I always feel compelled to buy at least a dollar bottle of water or a bag of cookies when I use a fast food restroom, and why? They're raking it in hand over fist. I guess this would be on the menu as "Guilty McNuggets" or a "McObligation with Cheese".

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

This thread reminds me why I Stay at home most of the time.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!