Caramel Splatte

// // 39 Comments
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
0
0

Anyone from NYC knows that it is a VERY unwelcoming place to those in need of a public restroom. (Don't believe me? Read this.) However, my story takes the fucking cake.

I was walking back home from dinner with my girlfriend when the stomach distress started. I knew I wouldn't make it back to our apartment in time, even though it was only a few blocks away. She helpfully pointed out to me that there was a Starbucks right across the street. Starbucks is famous for being one of the few places in the city with restrooms that you can actually use if you're not a paying customer.

Unfortunately, when I got to the back of the store, I found six or seven other people who had the same idea -- and they were all a bunch of middle-aged women loaded down with shopping bags and chatting away. I knew that it wasn't going to be the fastest moving line; but even if there were just a couple of people ahead of me, I'm not sure I could have held it in. The mental signal for imminent release had already been given when I walked in the front door, and the countdown to Squirt Town had already begun.

Luckily (or so I thought at the time), I saw that there was another door next to the restroom, propped open by a bucket and mop. It was obviously where Starbucks stored the cleaning supplies, as the walls were lined with shelves. But I could also see -- right there in the middle of the room against the wall, unprotected by a stall or a covering of any sort -- a sparkling white commode. Well, it probably wasn't sparkling; but right at that moment, it was my knight in shining alabaster armor. I quickly kicked the bucket aside and shut the door behind me.

I'm not sure if it was one of those busybody bitches who alerted management or if some eagle-eyed barista had spied me entering the room. Either way, within literally fifteen seconds, someone was knocking loudly at the door and screaming at the top of his lungs, "Sir, you need to get out now. You cannot be in there!"

Of course, at that point, my pants were already around my knees and I was speeding down the fast lane of the Diarrhea Highway.

"Just a second, I'll be right out!"

"Sir! You have to come out right now!!!!"

"Hold on! It's an emergency! I'm sick! I'll be right out!"

Then, BOOM!!! The fucker actually kicked the door open! I'm not sure if he used a key first or what, but he literally kicked the door wide open while I scrambled onto my feet, naked from the waist down, in full view of the gaggle of ladies in the hallway.

Well, the gaggle was giggling mightily, and I was PISSED. But my girlfriend, who was waiting for me out in the cafe, has quite the delicate temperament (if I'm in the car and start yelling and honking at another driver, she's on the brink of tears); so I like to think that if it weren't for her, I would have decked this motherfucker. As it was, I got right into his face and demanded to talk to his manager. I was told the manager wasn't there, but I made sure to call back and get the information.

I ended up sending a letter to Starbucks telling them the situation and hoping to get this asshole fired. Or maybe at least get a goddamn gift card or something. Instead, I just got a letter of apology. Thanks a lot.

Wherever you are, you Starbucks douchebag, I hope that one day soon, a buttload of diarrhea ends up in your polyester workpants.

39 Comments on "Caramel Splatte"

poopcrayon's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

i'm angry for you.


_______
all aboard the farty train to pooterville..if you can't shit at my house, we aren't friends

all aboard the farty train to pooterville

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

That was a good story.

I laughed out loud.

Thank you.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Great story, brappy, and at least you gave those ladies a good laugh, really made their day.

Pity your butt was empty, or you could have doubled over and shot a stream of wet shit straight into that bastard`s crotch.

The voice of sanity

HowleyKook's picture
l 100+ points

Brappy,

The next time you get into a jam in the "city" look for one of the hotels. The door captains don't like confrontation with anyone who struts in like a guest. In fact they will usually clear the way for you if you explain things with the right conviction.

Oh yeah, starbucks jaggoff! I hope you shit yourself and someone is there to screw with you!!!


_______
Happy Crappin'
www.homegrownmedia.com

Happy Crappin'
Homegrown Media Network

brappybrapstein's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

Good Idea Howley.. now that I dont live there anymore I wont have as many chances to take advantage of it but Ill remember it!

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points

You're a brave soul and I commend you! I probably would have been too polite and asked permission first, only to be turned down. I think I would have pooped in a trash can or some place that would need to be cleaned up by one of those snotty snots.

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Although I don't condone it, that story is just asking for a turd terrorism counter attack.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

You got cut off during the launch sequence by somebody who's best employment options are to make coffee? Dude, you should have walked out into the parking lot (assuming that they have a parking lot) and left the steamer between a couple of cars.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points

Yeah, a between a couple of benz's! Right on, DP!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Dave's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content Moderatora 10000+ points - Super Pooper

I want to know more. Was this an employee bathroom that also stored cleaning supplies? I think the employee had justification for his actions. After all, imagine if someone comes up to you at work and says, "Brappy! Some sweaty dude with shaky knees just cut the customer bathroom line, kicked over a bucket, and locked himself in the employee bathroom!" I've seen Starbucks' bathrooms -- they get pretty damned defiled. I wouldn't want some incontinent ass spray painting the only clean shitter I have access to all day... If you destroy his clean shitter, what is he going to do? Wait in line for the bathroom at the Starbucks across the street?

phatmanxxl's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points

Wow what a jerk you should have shat on the floor or something since it was such and issue you could not use the can.

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

I would go back to that Starbucks every day for the rest of my life, lock the bathroom door and twist a big one in the sink.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Brappy, that is a frustrating and unfortunate situation. But you shouldn't expect everybody to accept your problem.

It's very possible that Starbucks has a damn good reason for not wanting people in a room that is not designated for public use - insurance reasons perhaps. Any maniac could go in there, drink a quart of Drano and then sue the company. Sure, luring you in there with a propped open door was entrapment, and Starbucksdouchebag could have handled it better. But you were in the wrong.

At the very least you could have addressed a store employee and asked quick permission. If you had barged into my place of business, gone into the janitorial closet without permission, and then gotten in my face when I caught you shitting in there; you would have departed in the company of frantic paramedics.

The Thunderous Crapper 63's picture
k 500+ points

He kicked in the door huh? What in Gods name was so valuable in that room that the door had to be kicked in? People a turd terrorist attack is not only warranted here it is highly encouraged. Lets see. He kicks open the door and there you are nude with your pants down. I think at this point I would have just said dude give me a second Im almost there and then just let loose with that torrent of diahreah and gas. I mean really LEAN INTO IT. Get it all over the place. A real operation Shock and Awwwwww! I wouldnt have stopped either until my bowels were completely empty. Do NOT use the toilet you are already standing. Make that ignorant piece of shit wish he hadnt even put his foot NEAR the door. Damn i wish I had been in your shoes. I would have put on a show that those ladies would be talking about for years to come.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

AHHHHHEMMMMMMMMMM JUST CLEARING MY THROAT!! ;)

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points

I HATE STARBUCKS!!! And I hate the junkies who line up for a 4 friggin dollar piece of shit Latte. I should actually buy stock, Because the dolts who say "OH I have to have my Starbuck's" are hepling that company make money hand over friggin fist for some coffe and vanilla flavored hot milk. Or a coffee vanilla milk shake.
Oh sorry. Bitter? yes. And so is their coffee.
I think the Starbuck's "barista" tron had been drinking too much of his own shit.

Shits Happily In The Shadows's picture
l 100+ points

Brappy, I'm sorry you had a case of the liqui-shits in Manhattan. You are correct, that it is the worst place for an ass pee attack. There is nowhere to shit. But, the Starbucks dude was right on, for several reasons.

First, I used to work at Barnes and Noble Cafe, which was like a Starbucks but not quite, as well as several other retail establishments. The baristas have a hard enough day getting burned, cut, and scalded, as well as putting up with asshats. So I can certainly understand the guy's anger. If I had a customer in an off-limits area, you can bet I would have kicked the door in myself, especially if a bunch of shrill, middle-aged women came up and once screeching. That's what would have *really* set me off. I have had to kick customers out of all sorts of places, and trust me, my ears had smoke coming out of them. I used to kick people out of my storeroom at a small store because while it was the only toilet (the mall's were very close) it was employees ONLY for a reason--we kept stock and cash back there.

But the big reason was safety. A random person locking themselves in a storage area is cause for a thousand alarms to go off. That is what ROBBERS tend to do. I once had a manager who was held at gunpoint after the store closed by two guys who did what you did--they sneaked into a storage room. No one but you knew you had the shits, so think of it from their perspective. First and foremost, it's a safety issue, and you're lucky no one called the cops. Also, you could have tripped or burned yourself with a chemical cleaning fluid.

Please don't thihk I'm doggin' you, because trust me, I understand the desperation, and otherwise it's a great story--I can really feel your anger, and it's almost like I was there. But stop to think what this looked like to those around you.
_______
Assaulting toilets since 1977!

Assaulting toilets since 1977!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

This entire episode screams of a total lack of common sense used by the employee in question. I'm imaging a nineteen year old male with a false sense of authority and can't stop thinking of all the fast food managers I've encountered in my life who act is if it's not McDonald's, but Idi Amin's House of Burgers.

We're not talking about a secretive turd terrorist, we're talking about someone in the cleaning room who yells not only that it's an emergency, but that he's sick. Most of us in that state would have found taking the time ask permission to be impossible.

Not only does the employee overact, but he destroys company property. What good comes from breaking the door to your workplace's cleaning supply room? AND, what good would have come if any of the cleaners from the top shelf fell off from the vibrations and landed on the author's head, or worse yet, broke open and got into his eyes?

It is a good point that the employee might have needed something out of that closet, but if he was lax enough to leave the closet open in such close proximity of a line of coffee drinkers with full bladders and empty heads, well, then, that wasn't the best choice, either. My guess is that he was supposed to keep that closet locked at all times and the author using the toilet was proof that someone had fucked up.

Then again, maybe the toilet was an extra and wasn't actually attached to the plumbing - hence its location - and the author accidentally pulled a Steve-O. Maybe that's why the employee kicked the door in - he was freaking out over the fact that someone was crapping in an unnattached toilet.

Heh.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

P.S. The title for this story is excellent.

Dave, your doing, or Brappy's?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

PINWORM's picture
l 100+ points

I hate to defend Starbucks, but it was private property and your diarrhea was not their problem.

Gaseous Glay's picture
l 100+ points

Great story.

This whole site is filled with New Yorkers who have been traumatized and made crazy by the scandalous lack of public toilets here. You don't "go in the bushes", there are no bushes. You find a toilet or you crap your pants. (Anyone catch the Japanese tourists in Times Square on New Years Eve wearing diapers? I rest my case.)

You can't blame the business owners. If they're generous and permissive with their facilities, they get overrun instantly.

It's a great city and I truly love it but boy do I hate not being able to count on a toilet being available when I need it.

Brown Bunny's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I hate Starbucks and if it was me I would have (although I am not litigous mind you) sued the shit out of Starbucks for traumatizing me. I had the same problem in Boston, I had to mentally note where Starbucks were around the city because McDonalds is apparently too hoity toity to let people use their bathrooms without paying. Doesn't McDonalds realize that a rather large percentage of people enter their establishments for the sole purpose of shitting?

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

As a city truck driver, I spent a good part of 30 years in NYC. I worked most of the time in the, shall we say, less desireable neighborhoods. The only time I ever really had problems finding toilets was when I visited the better parts of Manhattan. Maybe the problem is because of all the tourists, who cant seem to crap at their hotels. As far as the outer boroughs, there were always toilets available, if you didn't mind sitting on something that resembled a third world garbage dump. Hey, and if all else failed, I always had that big 53' rolling outhouse behind me.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

As I'm reading these posts, I think we're missing the essence of the situation. The brappy was in a desperate way and, as is well-known, desperate times call for desperate measures. Yet, we're expecting sanity and reason to solve this problem.

What would have probably worked for brappy was just to blurt out like something like "I'm contagious. Close the damn door!" or start growling and barking like a big crazed dog or scream at the coffee boy, "I'm the frickin' regional manager. Close that damn door now and turn in your green apron." or "Don't let them find me. I'm too young to die." By the time coffee-boy figured out what to do, having already closed the door, brappy could have shit and run.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

All he had to do was yell "I just ate at White Castle" and he probably would have cleared out the store. The old ladies would have been hurdling the tables like OJ in a Hertz commercial.

Anonymous Coward's picture

I work at Starbucks, and personally I would have probably called the cops if a customer refused to come out of an EMPLOYEES ONLY area. There's usually a good reason some areas are off limits to customers. The presence of a toilet doesn't negate the fact that you weren't supposed to be in there, and in my opinion the employee wasn't the douchebag in this instance, you were.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

You have to love those corporate types who follow the rules. This sounds like the guy from Old Navy who let a teenage IBS sufferer shit herself in his store because he wasn't able to make an executive decision that wasn't already lined out for him to follow by his nose.

Well, Anonymous, I hope that you get caught somewhere, sometime, in a real pinch like this author was, and you are surrounded by people who are just as assfucked by rules and regulations as you are.

I have no tolerance for this kind of inability to be human. If it's so important, keep the closet locked and don't blame someone who's suffering to take advantage of the toilet they see because, oh, I don't know, they'd like to reserve their human dignity and not soil themselves.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points

When a business is open to the public their is a fine line to what should be tolerated.

These places are in business to cater to their customers but of course the customer must respect the fact that certain parts of the building are off limits to the public.

As far as this story goes:

if I were a customer I would be on this guys side.

if I were working at this store I would be against him.

there is no wrong or right here.

When it Shits it Pours's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Some great varying opinions here. My take on it is this:

In the 2000 Census Manhattan (22.96 sq. Miles) had a population of 1,537,195 (per wikipedia).

Per this guy "http://www.starbuckseverywhere.net/NewYorkCity.htm" there are 158 stores in manhattan alone.

Now lets pretend 1 in 100 people get the mad shits away from home and need an emergency stop. Thats 15,370 emergency shits in manhattan/day. (assuming tourists dont exist, and we all know travellers diahrhea sucks ass).

Now if everyone shits at Starbucks (aside from the fact they'd be really fulla shit) thats 97.3 emergency shits per day per store. Could your home shitter handle 97.3 assplosions (not counting regular shits) a day!?!?!

1) Shame on the facility for "propping the door open", thats most likely just a lazy employee trying to make their life easier.

2) I've had the mad shits before, and any port in a storm (especially a shitstorm) is going to be justified in your eyes at the time of the deed.

3) Customer service jobs suck and I am not saying you deserved to be treated in the fashion you were. But if the manager guy had been dealing with 1000 manhattaners (enough to make me go ballistic) for the last few hours, I have some empathy for him.

brappybrapstein's picture
l 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb

thanks for all of the replies. Interesting points. First of all, I lived in NYC for 10 years.. I know the vibe.. millions of people walking around in a rush, everyplace is overcrowded, everthing is overpriced... and everyone is a hair trigger away from snapping at anyone.. for anything.

I've thought more about it and while of course I know how much customer service jobs suck, this guy was still an asshole, here's why:

First of all, I 'met' him.. trust me.. he was a hot-headed prick.. a real 'tough guy' with a real nyc 'attitude'.

Secondly, he could have said 'sir, im about to open the door up' and then opened it up and come in or stuck his head in to see what was going on. He knew what was going on and just wanted to take out some of his hostility on me. He just kicked the door open and walked away. He wasn't concerned about my 'safety' or if i was robbing the place. He could have done his job and gotten me out of there a different way.

The happy ending is that my business was finished.. it was finished before my ass hit the bowl. I was already wiping when i got in that shouting match with him.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

In my 30 odd years in NYC, I would say that 99% of the people I dealt with were ok. Most of the remaining 1% just came on strong, but were ok once you got to know them. The remaining few were real dicks. These, I either ignored, or if confronted I told them that their miserable existence meant nothing to me, and trying to bully me will be painful one way or another. This guy sounds like one of those. I hope he broke the door, and has to explain it to his boss, who probably is an asshole also.

pooologist's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

You should've just turned around and blasted ass vomit all over that douchebag's face.

prarie doggin's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorg 4000+ points

Pooologist, dont mince words. Tell us how you really feel. We can take it.

kjetski's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

turd terrorism

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points

I always like to leave a double crapachino.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I think this is like one of those religious/political type debates. There is no real good guy or bad guy here. In the employee's favor are the arguments of off limits areas, following employers' rules and regulations, and just generally not wanting a public person shitting in the private employee restroom. In the customer's favor, it was an emergency, there was a long line, and he had no intention of messing up the place. If a suicide crapper walked into my toilet and let loose, I'm not sure how I'd feel. There will always be people in favor of the Starbucks suicide crapper and his ideals, while others will stand for the military establishment of the TP and mop bucket wall constructed by Starbucks themselves.

The real issue here lies in the same place as the issue in Israel, a foreign party who has intervened and left the nation to deal with the mess. In this case, MIDDLE AGED LADIES!!! They're everywhere! What the hell takes up so much time on a toilet? Even when pregnant I can move faster than my mother. What takes me five seconds takes her five minutes. Is there some ordinance that says any woman older than 50 has to take infinite time in the bathroom?

Perhaps if we solve this mystery and find a cure, no more problems like this will arise.

_______
Born right the first time.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points

Heh heh heh.
I thought the same thing as daphne. i.e. its a spare shitter in the store room, and its not connected to anything!
That would be even funnier than the Jackass stunt, especially if it toppled over (after brappy had finished, of course).
I've never been to a Starbucks, so I don't know what the staff are like.
BTW- The act of going to McDonald's for the sole purpose of using their dunny is known as 'going for a McShit'. If challenged by the staff, and promising to purchase a food item when you come out, this is known as a 'McShit with Lies'.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

I always feel compelled to buy at least a dollar bottle of water or a bag of cookies when I use a fast food restroom, and why? They're raking it in hand over fist. I guess this would be on the menu as "Guilty McNuggets" or a "McObligation with Cheese".


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points

This thread reminds me why I Stay at home most of the time.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

If I had two faces do you think I'd be wearing this one?

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points

You done good brappy! I have been in a situation where a line didn't deter me from pleading mercy. If you doe-eyed those ladies with "I'm gonna shit my pants", I'm sure that line would have parted quicker than Moses and the Red Sea. The one time I had no choice but to say to the others, "I need to go, badly, it's an emergency!" They saw my anxiety, they knew I meant business, and they let me pass. After, I was so thankful, and they obliged my plight with more concern rather than being angry. But, hey, Malibu is not NYC.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Post new comment

  • Allowed HTML tags: s:62:"<em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd> <br>";
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.

More information about formatting options

CAPTCHA
This question is for testing whether you are a human visitor and to prevent automated spam submissions.
Image CAPTCHA
Enter the characters shown in the image.
To prevent automated spam submissions leave this field empty.