Chief Thunderbutt: Poop Inspector

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For several months now I have been taking the blood thinning drug Coumadin (Warfarin) to help ensure that I don't have a stroke from a usually non-lethal and inherited problem called atrial fibrillation, or just a-fib. Things were going smoothly until a few days ago, when I peeked in the commode for a quick evaluation of my daily donation to the waste treatment plant in Nashville. I was mildly concerned when I discovered a turd that was perfect in every way – except color. This well-shaped and perfectly tapered masterpiece was the color of tar. There was no blood, but black it was enough that if I had deposited it on the road, it would have blended in so well that it might not have been noticed. If it was noticed, and by a highway worker, it might possibly have been used to patch a pothole.

This, I mused, is probably a sign of internal bleeding, which is not a good thing. Since I was due for a blood coagulation test two days later I decided to just wait, keep a close eye on the situation, and mention the black poo when I visited the clinic in two days.

Two days and two similar black poops later, I arrived at the VA for my scheduled appointment. My blood was a wee bit thinner than it had been on my previous appointment, but was well within the recommended range. I casually told the technician and doctor about the three black poos , and after exhibiting a great deal of concern, they told me to go straight to the ER. Even though I am becoming somewhat ancient I still enjoy life very much, so I did as I was told.

There was a short wait at the ER until a doctor was found with a finger sufficiently long and deformed enough to accomplish the foul deed of checking my turdage for blood. After this mutant doctor extracting his warty finger from my violated pucker, he performed a very rapid test while I was still ass out. He then proclaimed loud enough for everyone across the hall and back in the waiting room hear, "Yes sir ... there's some blood in there!" Even though I had come in for a simple blood test, I was immediately admitted to the hospital and sent up to a bed that had already by prepared.

After midnight I was denied any food or water, because the next morning I had been scheduled for an esophagogastroduonenoscopy to determine the source of the bleeding. They explained that such bleeding usually comes from the stomach or the small intestines (bleeding from the lower part of the gastrointestinal tract is usually bright red rather than black because it hasn’t been digested). I slept rather fitfully as I had a modest feeling of trepidation about the scheduled procedure – that and the fact that every time I dozed off, someone came in with a needle to draw a blood sample.

"So this is how it works," I thought, “If all your blood is drawn out for blood tests your internal bleeding will stop."

When the appointed hour arrived, I was wheeled down to the gastro-clinic, where a very nice nurse and a young doctor from Africa awaited me. I was given a sedative, laid on my side, and the fun began. I had envisioned the size of the camera as being something on the order of the telescope at Mount Palomar, but in reality it was probably no larger than a Cannon SLR with a 125mm telephoto lens. The doctor used a deadening spray on my throat which he said would have a slightly unpleasant taste. After tasting it, I think he would also tell me that drinking a gallon of sea water might be a little salty, or eating a bowl of habaneros might leave me a bit warm.

Down the esophagus, through the empty wasteland of my stomach, out through the pyloric valve and into the enchanted land of my duodenum the camera wound its merry way, happily snapping photos like a Japanese tourist on vacation in Las Vegas. The good doctor pumped air into my expanding guts the entire time so that better pictures could be taken. I am already a rather plump individual, but he inflated me to the size of the Hindenburg before the camera was pulled out and I was able to swallow
normally. The whole procedure lasted about ten minutes, which taxed the limits of my endurance, and the camera extraction was among the happier moments of my life. The simple little things in life like breathing and swallowing are not fully appreciated until we are momentarily denied them.

After the procedure, I thought there would be a few massive burps and my stomach would be cleared of all the excess gas, but I soon discovered the human body doesn't work that way. We have a one-way digestive system that directs whatever goes in our mouths eventually comes out our asses. The process that facilitates this traffic is called peristalsis, and is a series of muscular contractions that intends to keep things moving south. I farted more from this procedure than I did from the colonoscopy I received a few years back. My roommate was very impressed by my flatulence, and complemented me on making his stay at the hospital so memorable.

I am back home now, hale and hardy and no longer taking the Coumadin. The doctor said there were a few lesions in my duodenum that had been responsible for the bleeding. I am now happily extruding beautiful, post –emergency colors: ochre, burnt umber, deep chestnut and light taupe. I have an asshole that is too high class for anything as ordinary as traditional brown, for that is the poo of peasants.

There is a moral to this story; I felt no discomfort and would not have known about this potentially life-threatening condition if I hadn't looked in the commode. No matter how healthy you think you are or how well you feel – look at that turd. The life you save could be your own.

23 Comments on "Chief Thunderbutt: Poop Inspector"

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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Chief, will you come over and check my turds?

CC also known as Coach Crap's picture
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Coming this Fall!Chief Thunderbutt PSI Poop Scene Investigator.But seriously folks sometimes PR takes on some serious subjects and we have to put the funny stuff on the sidelines.Thanks for the insight Chief.Red Skelton said if he made one person laugh all his hard work was worth it.If it helps one person the time you took to write your story was worth it.

prarie doggin's picture
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CEP, get in line. He's checking mine tomorrow.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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No need to stand in line gentlemen, just mail your poop sample to;

Shit Samples
455 Dirkson Bldg.
Washington, D.C. 20510

I have a staff of experts standing by for evaluation, their motto ---"No Shit Too Deep"


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points
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And as the explosion engulfed her majestic form, and with the reality of vulnerable, hydrogen controlled,"lighter than air" travel folding into melting girders of steel, all what was heard from the radio transmissions was the cry of man...."Oh, the Humanity"

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Orinchmoon's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Wow reading this scared me a bit. I'm going to paying closer attention to my poop now. Even when I'm feeling feel fine.

Deja Poo's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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Congratulations on another day above ground, Chief. That was a good catch. Material is supposed to leach out of the gut and into the body, not vice versa.

Did you offer to take song requests as your ass was blowing off post-procedure gas?
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Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Yo quiero Taco Bell.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Thanks for your kind words Deja, I am a fan of classical music so an anal rendition of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata was part of my gassy
repertoire.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

flushette's picture
l 100+ points
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The moral I got out of the story was, if you shit tar, go to the ER.


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Remember, even hot chicks poop and fart.

When you've got nowhere to go, and you feel it start to flow, diarrhea... diarrhea.

ChiliKahKah's picture
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Glad you are ok !

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Thanks Chili ... flushette, you are very poetic and also very correct. I am constantly amazed, and dismayed, by the kids, and adults, who post on here about their dread of discussing their poop with their doctor. Poop is an excellent indication of your general health and any major changes should be brought to the attention of your health care provider immediately. I bring up the subject with all my doctors and even my pharmacist.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

prarie doggin's picture
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Chief, I'm getting a creative urge here. Tarry tarry fright (Don McLean). Hopefully I'll sober up before going any further.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Or, "A big Black Poo and Little Ole You"

Mel McDaniel


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

mspoopsie's picture
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I stumbled across this by accident and it amazes me how we can openly talk about our poop problems online but never to the people who need to hear it!

the thin brown line's picture
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For some reason "chief", I have not had major concerns regarding my stool colors, even the blackest of black...but your wisdom should be heeded by everyone...I had one incident that alerted me to the point of discussing with my doctor. A poo sample was provided, and the results were in good favor...As any decent human would wish, glad your O.K. Providing a poo sample is only as ugly as one makes it. If fucked with, poo karma will get you.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

flushette's picture
l 100+ points
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Thanks T-butt, I wasn't even trying on that one! I still wish I had a story for this site, but nothing's happened to me... yet. I just hope it doesn't involve a doctor. I give ya credit for that one.


_______
Remember, even hot chicks poop and fart.

When you've got nowhere to go, and you feel it start to flow, diarrhea... diarrhea.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
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Let's see... You start pooping blood after taking rat poison. Seems logical.

Watch your vitamin K intake. You will probably be back on it soon. (possibly a lesser dose)

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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Thanks Squat but I am trying something on my own that will be double checked by my primary care physician next month. I love foods that are high in vitamin K such as; spinach, kimchi, and all the greens from the Cruciferous veggies family. I have searched the web and found this site that lists foods that are natural blood thinners. Luckily the list includes many things that are already in my diet such as Curry powder, Cayenne pepper, Ginger, Paprika' Thyme, Cinnamon, Dill, Oregano, Turmeric, Licorice and Peppermint.

I absolutely love curry and always add extra turmeric to the mix. Cinnamon sprinkled with abandon on fried apples is scrumptious. I prefer basil but oregano or dill on a tomato salad are both acceptable. Ginger always has a home in one of my stir fries and rather than jalapenos I may switch to cayennes.

I prick my finger twice a day as a result of being diabetic and so far my blood seems to resist rapid clotting which was the object of the warfarin in the first place.

My intake of vodka also has a bit of blood thinning power.

Perhaps Hippocrates knew what he was talking about when he said, "Let your food be your medicine."


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

I_Hate_Poop's picture
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wow! I'm waiting on a colonoscopy. Whatever you had done the word doesn't even look english. haha. I've heard of endoscopy? There's so many though. Either way. Glad you're ok! I can't understand people who DON'T look at their poop! I always thought it was normal. But low and behold some people DON'T do it! Your poop can tell you so much about your health. It's so good to know what's going on. It's an end result of a complex system. And if something doesn't look right it's an indicator that something inside isn't working. Glad to hear you're ok now. How did you treat the tears though? Did they just heal on their own over time? And how did they get there? 0_o

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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I_Hate_Poop ... I have had both a colonoscopy and a esophagogastroduonenoscopy, the later is much less fun. The lesions in my duodenum were probably caused by excessive alcohol consumption over an extended period of time. I have totally given up drinking temporarily and I am eating extraordinary amounts of raw cabbage. Here is a link to a website that explains why we should all eat lots of cabbage, not only is cabbage one of the world's healthiest choices for a vegetable to eat it is also, in the words of Alton Brown, "Good Eats!" When my guts are properly healed I plan on indulging in the bottle again, but in healthful moderation this time.
_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

I_Hate_Poop's picture
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wow! I'm scheduled for a colonoscopy someday. I'm scared shitless (so to speak!) but people always go on about how it's a breeze as long as you're sedated. Here's hoping! Oh well. My mom's a daily drinker (not huge amounts) and she's fine. Then people like me who drink ONLY water (I swear! OCCASIONAL pop. Like once a month) I have all these issues. I've cut gluten from my diet as well. So excessive alcohol can cause tears? Wow. I had no idea! I should warn muh mommy. That's scary. So cabbage can heal? ha wow! Cabbage=gas though. You know. Brussel sprouts are one of my all time FAVORITE things. I ADORE them. But! I've noticed over the past Thanksgiving and Christmas they'd give me extreme gas and diarrhea. I was SO depressed. So now I eat them in moderation. Where as I can easily consume a plate full of those little demons. Probably a good 20. SO GOOD. Do they count as cabbage? =P Good luck with everything! It's good to be a social drinker! And maybe the occasional something to indulge in here and there (a pina colada or something) depending what you like I guess. I'm a girly drinker. I DESPISE beer!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
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IHP ... Your colonoscopy is nothing to worry about and will probably be a breeze. All the cruciferous vegetables, including Brussel sprouts, are great for your health but cabbage is the king.

I will admit that my consumption of alcoholic beverages was not light and it was over a period of half a century. Your mom probably has nothing to worry about. After only a few days of no booze and heavy consumption of slaw my peptic ulcer symptoms are practically gone. Cabbage is better for you raw than cooked and I fortunately adore slaw.

In a few weeks I may have a drink or two but I plan on drastically reducing my three liters per week consumption rate of gin and vodka. Alcohol is good for you in moderation but I was obviously overdoing it.


_______
Dirty old men need love too!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

CallofDoody's picture
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What an eloquent and well-written, colorful story. Kudos, Chief.
Ah, the shame!

Ah, the shame!