“Weeknights in my home generally consist of watching television, indulging myself in a precious bag of chocolate covered caramels”

“the black-bean-and-corn mixture from Chipotle”

“I just happened to itch my ass crack at that time, and I looked at my hand to find that it was also covered in shit”

“the act of me placing my crap-covered fingers to my nose”

THESE FOUR QUOTES FROM YOUR STORY CONFIRM THAT YOU ARE AN OVERWEIGHT, HOMELY, UNEDUCATED, DISGUSTING SLUG OF A FEMALE.

Doniker, that was an asinine comment. Havin' a bad day or something? I mean, more so than usual, given your own less than stellar appearance.

“Weeknights in my home generally consist of watching television, indulging myself in a precious bag of chocolate covered caramels”
Maybe she works construction all day long. Or a marathon runner. Does afternoon and weekend workouts. Did you not notice "given to me as a gift"? as opposed to "that I get by the kilo every day at Bulk Barn"?

“the black-bean-and-corn mixture from Chipotle”
What, you've never, ever seen or heard of someone who is not obese eating black beans and corn? *gasp*

“I just happened to itch my ass crack at that time, and I looked at my hand to find that it was also covered in shit”
You've never scratched your ass before, Doniker?

“the act of me placing my crap-covered fingers to my nose”
Psh, you know you'd do the very same thing in her situation. In fact, you would probably discover the brown stuff's true identity by tasting, rather than sniffing.

I got a kick out of this story, and if Doniker's moronic blatherings don't dissuade you from returning, I hope you tell us how you get revenge!

^^^^that's harsh...but true, i'd say what gave it away is having a chunk of chocolate covered caramel down your arse valley and not even feel it.

There is wisdom in what Doniker says.
One does not "itch" one's ass, the ass becomes itchy all by itself. The act of making the ass stop itching is called "scratching" the ass.

I try to never place my shit covered fingers anywhere near my nostrils. I would think the only reason this would ever be done would be in case you wanted to give yourself a "dirty Sanchez". I would doubt the intelligence of anyone that would do that to themselves.

My wife and I try to stay healthy so rather than chocolates we stick high fiber fruits and vegetables up each other's poop
chutes when a diversion from the boredom of every day life is felt necessary. The shape of the jalapeno makes it an ideal candidate.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Donkey, you have proven once again to be the human tube steak of poopreport. I liked the story and I hope she is a supermodel.

CEP........When you get old enough
they are all supermodels, I love them all.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Chief, I hope you lube the pineapples with some EVOO. Yumm-o

RR

Oh please... I eat chocolate every day and watch like 6 hours of TV... but I also bike 25k per day which only takes 1.5-2 hours and eat well when I'm not pigging out, so I'm in fine shape.
My best friend eats a bag of chips every night and a bottle of Coke every day and never gets any exercise other than chasing her kids, and she's about 105 lbs and the hottest chick I know.

Doniker, your irony speaks volumes....MR Pot, meet Miss Kettle...give it a rest.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

Once again, I prove my significance at PoopReport.

Without my first comment, none of the following eight comments would have been made....instead we would see boring drivel.

I am the greatest.

I don't know exactly how to get your revenge, but I think it should involve raisinettes. And Goobers.

I have been analyzing Doinkers comments for the past year, I'm convinced that he has a 6 sided die with the following options that he rolls before he reads a story.

Side 1: Story is good, comment positively
Side 2: Story is just okay - tell them its not good
Side 3: Story is weak - I've had better experiences with shit on my dick
Side 4: Story is worthless - Insult writer and tell them they are worthless.
Side 5: Story is obviously Fake - Tell them their lying!
Side 6: Story is worse than spiled Feta Cheese, lambast the storyteller, their family, their dog and call them fat.

I was kind of disturbed by my disappointment in finding out it wasn't actual shit.

If I found mystery poop in my pants with no explaination, I might doubt it's authenticity enough to smell it...maybe not...yeah...I'm leaning back towards not...

i hav 2 agree with doinker on this - i was turned off by the irate sideswipe at her husband. At least it was only chocolate he smeared on her stinkhole.

Editor's note: HEE HEE, he said "Doinker"

doniker. I'm certain that even the dimmest wit on poopreport could conceive of an asinine comment guaranteed to draw more attention than the original story. For example "Hey, I think you're a nigger-loving, butt sniffing faggot” would get many more responses than your comment. But for the life of me I can’t imagine that dim wit then responding “Hey, see, I’m relevant. Look at all the attention I got.” Has the cheese slipped right off your cracker? I DO like you, so it pains me all the more to see you grovel. Get some help.

Logjam, jealousy is such an ugly emotion.

Get some help.

I started a thread in the forums about people who don't realize that their pants are sticking up their asses. I do find it hard to think you could have a Milk Dud in your crack and not know it. I'm going to buy a box tonight and check it out.

HAHA. The princess and the pea turns into the PD and the dud! HAHA I crack myself up!

PD........EVOO has many handy uses,
simper..titter..teeheehee. Do a google image search on Rachael Ray's big fat ass just for a laugh.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

An addition to my first post:

If you can't feel a foreign object in your asscrack you must really be a big fat ugly pig - or be used to carrying food in your folds of fat.

I know I know - why is doniker putting down fat people when he was so against it before?

Well doniker has lost 25 pounds in the last few months and Mrs. doniker has lost 82 pounds so far since her gastric bypass surgery last April.

We will both soon be thin and insulting fat fuckers regularly.

82 pounds so far??????????????? Jesus Christ! How fat is she??? No wonder you are such a porno-hound, whacking-off loser. If my wife ever had to lose 82 pounds, I'd never know about about it because she would have been divorced about 60 pounds ago.

25 Lbs less than "almost 300" is still a fat fucker, sorry to slap you with reality.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

OMG!Poop Report's Tag Team Champs have a beef.Someone make sure Earth is still on its axis and the forces of nature are in balance.Is it live or is it Memorex?Is it shit that tastes like chocolate or chocolate that tastes like shit?I can't remember!

Very funny post. He snuck a piece of chocolate into your butt crack that went undetected until you absent mindedly scratched your ass and came up with brown and now you're wondering how to get revenge?

Paste a ham sandwich under his balls while he's not looking?

He`ll be prepared for you putting some chocolate down his crack, so forget this. Just rub the gussets in all his undies with some freshly cut chilis. That`ll have him howling.

Agh, I hate the term EVOO! Dammit Rachel!

If you're looking for something to do to the husband, try the unnatural gas spray on this page. It's deadly.

Revenge chemicals

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Thunderbox...your idea for revenge is good. Years ago I lived in an open bay barracks at Keesler AFB Mississippi.
One of the guys came back from town very late and very drunk one night. It was a hot night and we had no fan or air-conditioning so everyone was sleeping with no cover.
The drunk crept thru the barracks spraying winter green ointment up the leg of everyone's loose fitting, government issue boxer shorts. Soon there was about two dozen GIs in the shower stall frantically scrubbing their balls.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Daphne.......I checked out your revenge chemicals link. You are evil and I think I love you.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

A simple, inexpensive revenge would to rub a handfull of fiberglass insulation (looks like cotton candy) inside all his clean underwear.

Chief, back when I was in high school (just after the Paleozoic Era) we had this spray called "tuff skin". It was a super sticky spray used by pass receivers and pole vaulters for obvious reasons. We got our hands on a can during gym. No where on the can was the disclaimer "do not spray on annoying nerd's nuts". Watching that guy get through the rest of the day was priceless.

PD...I am the ignorant bastard that, on another thread, admitted to having once wiped his ass with
fiberglass insulation.......A mistake never to be repeated!!

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

Yes Chief, and I'm sure you can attest to the fact that it would enact sweet revenge.

Congrats, doniker, you've perfected the fine art of "saying stupid shit to get attention". Right on.

BTW, if I lost 25 lbs I, and any normal person, would be anorexic. If I lost 82 I'd almost disapear, which is why I'm totally cool with making fun of fat couples like you. But at least you have a winning personality!... oh, wait.

Best revenge:
Get two official-looking (but fake) gift certificates for a nice restaurant printed up for 100$ each. Tell your hubby you entered and won a contest but that he can go with the boys for a night out.
After he's left, call the restaurant and "inform" them that someone tried to sell you fake gift certificates for their restaurant.

Or just call his office and friends and tell them he's gay.

Eoz, that' pretty damned funny. It sounds like some of the pranks that involved fake envelopes going to his workplace addressed to him with the return addresses "Herpes Support Network" or the such.

Chief, I like you, too. Heart.

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.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

"saying stupid shit to get attention." That's Al Gore!

That was pretty cold on your husbands part BUTT the good thing here is you get revenge and hopefully it will NOT be sweet LOL good luck!
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The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

Nobody has raised the issue of whether or not the demon drink was involved here.
Haven't we all, at some time, found ourselves a little "relaxed" (and therefore vulnerable) with the aid of Dr. Daniel's or Dr. Beam's Medicinal Elixirs?

There are many ideas for revenge here. You could try the simple approach and duct tape his nuts to his dick while he's asleep, but I assume you still like to use that sometimes. Hmmm... There is always the thought of waiting until he's asleep and sticked a chocolate, one of those flat ones, under his cheek and leaving it there. When he wakes up in the morning, simply ask him why he's such a shitface. Then giggle until he wonders what the hell you're talking about. Just be sure to be out of firing range when he looks in the bathroom mirror.

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Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

I loved this story. it made me laugh till I cried. So there.
Crapola

Doniker is right, guarantee she's a fat ugly biotch, sniff's her fingers after shoving them up her ass, hides food in the folds of her fat, lmfao rofl. I like your sense of humor Doniker keep up the mean work. Lots better than most of the stories on here.

Well, as I said, in the interest of science I shoved a Milk Dud in my ass crack. It began to melt almost immediately and I noticed its presence the whole time. I went smaller and tried an M&M and still knew it was there. (they need to change slogan to (melts in your mouth, not in your hands or asscrack). I also went bigger and tried a Moon Pie. Melted, messy and I knew it was there.

Anyone care to come over tonight for some snacks?

PD....Thanks for promoting one of Tennessee's most famous snacks. The moon pie was invented in Chattanooga, Tennessee and is one of our states great contributions to culinary excellence, right up there next to fried chitterlings. We normally eat them but if sticking them up the ass is correct usage we are ready to change.

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

PD, did you wash the Moon Pie out of your crack with a refreshing RC Cola?

Warm milk did the trick, Art.

I must vouch for the author with a problem no one has considered. Though I have never had chocolate candies stuck in my asscrack, I do have chronic back issues which sometimes cause periodic numbness in various areas below the waste. (This can prove annoying when horny.) A frequent problem occurs for me in the asscrack, where sometimes when a nerve is pinch by my back defect, the fucker will go numb. The author may be overweight, or she may have back problems.

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Well, you don't actually blow on it. That's just an expression.

SO - I haven't checked my email in a week or two and completely forgot that I even submitted this. I am pleasantly surprised at all the comments.

Thank you Doniker for the comment. I certainly understand where you are coming from, as I am an riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in used toilet paper to those that meet me and find out that toilet humor is my forte. The only thing I will say about myself is that you are thoroughly incorrect. The double standard beteween men and women applied to the enjoyment of toilet humor never ceases to amaze me.

Black beans and corn is the meal of champions, especially for much needed "healthy" carbs after running a 1/2 marathon...not to mention that the high fiber content keeps my system in check for the times when I indulge in chocolate.

The low-rise jeans I wear made it very easy for my husband to sneak the DIME SIZED caramel down my pants. Seriously, how big did you think the caramel was? It wasn't a friggin candy bar.

Prarie - it's not going to work if YOU shove it down your crack. Someone else has to do it when you are unaware. Additionally, it was only about a 1/2" from the top of my crack. It wasn't JAMMED in there. Get a partner and try again.

Gaseous - Like your idea the best, I'll let you know how it goes.

Thanks for the site daphne, most impressive. I'm thinking of all the ways I can use the purple rain at work.

The un natural gas probably wouldn't phase him. I am lactose intolerant - a glass of milk or a scoop of ice cream produces similar results. I try to only have dairy when I really want him out of the house.

IDK about whether it happened or not (no offense, but it did sound a little fictional) but it was still funny as hell.
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I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

Phartz,
you couldn't feel the caramel center in your asscrack?How many licks does it take to get to the center of your "Poopsie Pop"?
Never mind,I don't want to know.

greenpoopertrooper - checkout my pic (link found above) on livejournal if you don't believe me.

I had the same experience about a a year ago. But it was realshit, smelled dark brown and I don't know the origin. Although I had a wettfart earlier in the night.

(Not trying to be an ass) I didn't say I didn't belive you, I said it sounds a little fictional, like pieces of the story were forgotten and filled in with fiction
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I will never shit somewhere that only has that horrible, scratchy brand of toilet paper. That stuff sucks!

God! I can't believe it! Well...I guess I am not alone in this. I also had this kind of prank pulled on me! The dirty scumbucket of a friend had somehow managed to stuff without waking me up while asleep some chocolate pieces in my shorts. (I REALLY must have been out!) I found out upon being woken up by him faking a sheer panic situation and telling me that I needed to go to the bathroom right away, as I had shit in my sleep! At first I really DID panic, but as I came to and realized that this was no shit, but in fact melted chocolate! What a turd! So I can understand your predicament completely!

It wasn't chocolate, but one of my beach volley ball buddies, who stands 6'3" and weighs around 360 lbs, was sitting on one of the picnic table benches, taking a breather. He bent over to grab a water out of a cooler, and we deposited 5 or 6 Chiclets down his rather expansive crack. Far as I know, they stayed there all day. Yeah...he's a big fat slob, but moves like a cat, and I love him to death...in a strictly platonic fashion...at least for now.
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The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.

By cat do you by chance mean a
D-9 bulldozer?

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Eat chilies and feel the burn!!