Editor's note: in last week's Poop Of The Week, the author apologized for taking "another" shit in public. I thought he was referencing a previously-published poop report that I just couldn't find in the archives. But it turns out that he was talking about a story never before seen on this site. Upon my query, the author sent in the following story to round out this little saga.
To my boss:
Even though I think you're a lunatic and closet case, self-hating homosexual, I would never, ever consider taking a shit on your lawn. But when I went out for my morning run and found myself in front of your house, I really couldn't help myself. And it wasn't because of any kind of anal or fecal incontinence, as you've sometimes accused me of when I have to run to the bathroom a few times a day at work.
No, it was because of this giant breakfast burrito I had at one of those Mexican food trucks. We are talking about one big mother of a burrito. I mean, this fucking thing had legs. But it was only a couple of bucks and I figured, "What the fuck?" I was out for my morning run and all I had for breakfast was orange juice, and here was this food truck, like a godsend. Even though those food trucks are notorious for their lack of hygiene, I put aside all my anti-Mexican food prejudices and assumed good faith.
But about twenty minutes after finishing up, the familiar intestinal rumblings began, and boy were they strong. I was getting severe cramps and nausea and I simply could not run any more. I stopped to catch my breath and I realized I was in front your house, and right at that moment, it was do or die. And what I mean is that right at that very moment -- that very second -- the shit was about to flood forth from the rectum, and thus I had a split-second choice to make. There was no way I could have held it in. Not even Superman would've been able to withstand the pressure of a Mexican-inspired Montezuma's revenge-style diarrhea.
And so I pulled down my jogging pants and went to town all over your yard. Fortunately it was early morning and there wasn't anybody around; but regretfully the sounds my ass was making, coupled with my blood-curdling screams, echoed so loudly in the neighborhood that a few people did happen to step outside their homes to see what all the commotion was all about. And man, did they get an eye-full.
Once I heard the police sirens, I squirted out the last remaining drops, pulled up my pants (which, unfortunately, got a fair amount of splatter from the shit and piss), and darted the hell out of there.
Again, I'm very sorry. But dogs take shits and pisses all over the place all the time, and hell, your dogs have done their fair share of business on my lawn as well; so let's say we're even-Steven. Plus, my "contribution" to your lawn will probably be more helpful than harmful -- though again, this was the byproduct of a Mexican breakfast burrito, so I could be wrong about that.
P.S. Please apologize to your lovely wife. I hope she was not traumatized.
