Duck Duck Poop

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Comment Quality Moderatorl 100+ pointsm 1+ points - Newb
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I'm a fitness instructor and personal trainer. Recently, I was honored with an opportunity to train other trainers at an international convention for my industry. Seven hundred and fifty trainers and instructors from about fifty nations converged in a world-renowned warm-weather resort setting. My presentation was a water aerobics workout for overweight teens, held in an outdoor pool. The public health crisis of overweight kids and teens is big news in general, but particularly among fitness professionals. We need to get kids and teens exercising!

I had a large group of pros signed up to pretend they were teens, hop in the pool, and do the workout -- at 7:45 AM. I had been awake most of the night before, rehearsing the MTV-type teen-friendly choreography, and was plenty nervous. Luckily my jitters didn't incite any jitterbugging to the toilet and engender any poop reports, as I had feared.

7:30 arrived, and I went to the pool to be mic'd up like Madonna and get ready to jump and pump. Just then, I heard a loudspeaker announcement: the pool was temporarily closed for "super-chlorination." What???

The officials told me what happened. Shortly before the announcement, a duck had been swimming in the pool and left duck poop behind. Hence, the "super-chlorination." I thought that was plausible, since the resort's lovely landscaping included picturesque man-made mini-lakes stocked with ducks.

So I wandered over to the scene of the crime -- the pool steps -- only to observe a nine-inch long, one-inch wide brown log submerged and sunning itself. No duck produced this!

Between curses, the unfortunate maintenance worker charged with fishing it out and super-chlorinating the water postulated that a drunken conventioneer must have dropped trou or lifted skirt in the night, held onto the pool railing, set cheeks on steps, performed a straining internal abdominal exercise, and sprinted away for some draining cardio. Sadly, correct.

Soon Mr. Loudspeaker was repeatedly reminding the crowd that the pool was now safe and sanitary. I went on and did well -- but, alas, in front of a significantly smaller contingent than I expected. And the rest of the day's schedule of events was, um, "backed up" by the delay caused by the, um, "duck poop".

That night, I celebrated my success (and the fact that it was all "behind" me) at the bar of a much more upscale hotel. Unbeknownst to me, this prestigious place was home to a uniquely quaint custom. They have live ducks swimming in an elegant fountain in the lobby from ten AM to five PM. Outside those hours, these ducks live in a coop on the hotel roof. At ten and five, an old-fashioned player piano in the lobby begins to play a Duck Walk Fanfare. The ducks are escorted across a red carpet to and from a red-carpeted staircase leading to the fountain by a uniformed attendant.

No duck pooped on the red carpet during the procession, as far as I could tell. But as they were swimming about, I watched the ducks poop elegantly on little platforms installed about the fountain. And I watched the unfortunate maintenance workers charged with removing duck poop from the platforms. One thing's for sure: there's no mistaking human poop for duck poop. Ducky doody is kinda whiteish/clear, and wayyyy smaller, coming from little duck butts. The poop in the pool that morning was foul, but it certainly wasn't fowl.

What are the chances of being disgusted and amused by both duck poop and human poop represented as duck poop on the same day? I guess I'm just a lucky duck PoopReporter!

And so, to forget it all, I ordered a Grey Goose Martini.

33 Comments on "Duck Duck Poop"

Shatty Cake's picture
l 100+ points
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I'm no expert on birds, but I've never heard of ducks swimming in chlorinated water, so I would have been suspicious from the outset.

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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Maybe when the drunken conventioneer pooped in the pool, he/she was overheard to yell, "duck!"

Dr. Strangeturd's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Sure it wasn't a Baby Ruth bar? Poop in a pool is always funny and always will be...unlewss it's my pool! Then I'd be pretty damn pissed and ready to whoop somebody's ass!!!
_______
My plans were foiled again, by those damn PooperFriends!

My plans were foiled again, by those damn PooperFriends!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Wild ducks swim in our pool, all the time. They live in the canyon behind our neighborhood, and most of our neighbors, too, have had visiting ducks taking a dip every now and again. Thankfully, they don't seem to drop poo bombs on our pool deck.

Rectal Distress's picture
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Once I pooped in the ocean, I thought no one would see it. As I was re-adjusting my swimsuit, a woman near the beach screamed. A giant wave had carried my log and it splattered on her chest. This is the funniest story I know, and it happened to ME....

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Pooping in the ocean since 1987

mott the poople's picture
l 100+ points
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Ducks are cool...I dated a girl that walked like one....she was FUN!
Sounds like you found a way to get out of work if you are hungover...

Asphincter says WHAT...(!)

Asphincter says WHAT...(!)

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points
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Mott, are you remembering Sharty McFly's story "The Poo Pool" from a couple of months ago?

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points
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I remember someone using the pool at summer camp to make a BM. They closed the pool for the rest of the week and called in the cleaning crew.

I've never seen a duck swim in a pool, but I do know the poop described was not from a duck.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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If fish can't swim in chlorinated water, why should ducks be able to? On second thought, they put up with acid rain.

I attempted to crap in the ocean once. I was unable to due to waves (which were only 3 feet)

That mus have come from a fat guy. Only fat people like me lay down long logs.

_______
"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Because fish BREATHE from in the water, silly! Ducks just swim on top, and they have natural waterproof on their feathers. They don't DRINK the water! They just paddle around. They like it when the pump is on and the jacuzzi runs into the pool. :)

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Not so, KOC. I walked into my 5'6", 90 pound grandfather's bathroom and discovered a long about 18 inches long in his toilet.

Aside from that, I always love the way posh resorts try to handle a disgusting situation. Ducks?!? That has to be one of the funniest excuses yet!

_______
Broccoli!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Rectal Distress-- By the way, that's the first thing to make me laugh out loud, today. That is so stinkin' nasty, it's fantastic! Heh, heh, heh! Hee!

CC's picture
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I seem to remember a Marx Brothers movie about this very subject.I think it was called Duck Poop.

Rectal Distress's picture
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Thank you gottagogirl,

Just want everybody to know I don`t poop in the ocean daily. This time I was pretty young and I wanted to enjoy my day at the beach without having to walk 2 miles for the nearest toilet.... I just thought: well, fish do it all the time.....

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Pooping in the ocean since 1987

ShitDump's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Ducks swim in the pool in my complex every day. I swim every morning and last week the maintenance man remarked that the ducks must be eating something new because the shit now is like concrete and hard to get off. Generally it's small piles of stuff with the consistency of pancake batter.

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points
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Maybe they are actually eating cement =)

I've never heard of ducks in swimming pools until now, only people. I guess the waterproof deal does make it make more sense though.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

adorable pooper's picture
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Crapola, i was thinking the same thing about the peabody and their duck poop, all the times ive been there, i havent seen one poop on the red carpet.

when i was the recreation manager for a certin hotel where some hard rockin' takes place, we had drunked people poop in our pool and jacuzzis all the time... i could tell some really gross stories... maybe someday. Im still trying to recover myself.

ps, that convention halted all of the classes at my gym(and hour away from the sunny resort town you speak of) for the whole weekend, thanks!

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points
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Well adorable pooper this sounds like a good story we might get to see sometime. I encourage you to try submitting something to Dave.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Crapola, that hotel sounds like the Peabody in Memphis, Tn, but I thought you lived in New York. What up?

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I've seen the ducks being led in and out of the hotel on television, and I've cleaned up after them at the rehab.

Ducks poop a ton. They will soil a child's wading pool within minutes because they dig for food and will have mud in their beaks, also. When they go for water, the food and mud in their beaks soils the water.

I'm wondering how these animals make it a work shift without soiling the fountain because of eating. I guess they don't get to eat while they're in the fountain. They are smaller than us and have a faster metabolism, so I don't know how I feel about it. I'd like to see ducks in shorter shifts.

Crapola, the fact that the poop was blamed on people is totally amazing. How stupid do they think we are?


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points
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"I'd like to see ducks in shorter shifts." I'd like to see ducks at NCSU's dining halls. Birds do poop a lot and can be dirty some time. I just haven't witnessed ducks. I've been a seagull target numerous times though, because some numbskull across the beach was feeding them cheese puffs.

_______
Practicing the ancient Chinese art of double flushing... because sometimes, a single flush just isn't enough.

[Insert witty banter here]

Poopgirl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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This reminds me of Caddyshack, but with no Baby Ruth bar.
Poop on!

-Poopgirl

Poop on!

-Poopgirl

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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You would think that such a swanky place would have security cameras in the pool area. I wonder if thay identified the sneaky pool pooper.

Di Verticula's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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We have a male & female pair of mallard ducks who return to visit our pool year after year. They dabble, dip and drink from the chlorinated water.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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We had ducks that would sit on our pool, too, until we switched to a salt system. They don't seem to like that, much, which is odd, since salt pools don't TASTE like chlorine OR salt.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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They're probably still sensing the saline in the water system. Ducks are actually pretty sensitive to salt, hence the reason they avoid the ocean. I'm guessing their system reacts to the Ph of the water, GGG.

_______
Behold! My new farting super power! BRAPP!!!

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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I was alarmed about the response of the hotel, reopening the pool so soon after removing human waste. In MA the pool must be closed and super chlorinated for 24 hours, then tested for bacteria, and if passes, then allowed to reopen. I wouldn't have gone swimming it either.

skinnypooper's picture
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i am a skinny girl and can lay some pretty amazing logs myself...i impress myself with my log laying abilities...

TurkeyRuben's picture
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Have you ever seen goose poop? Its pretty darn big, alot of people mistake it for dog poop. It could have easily been a goose poop you describe!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Here is a short video of the famous Peabody Hotel ducks of Memphis, Tn..


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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On a tour of a large public garden, I heard a tour guide caution people about getting too close to the dozens of Canada geese walking about. "They defecate about every eight minutes," he said. And while their poop is decent sized, it doesn't look like mammals' poop, let alone people's logs: it looks like bird poop, just on steroids.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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Property next to Old Hickory Lake in Sumner County Tennessee is highly desirable and very expensive. Thanks to a heavy population of Giant Canada geese (non-migratory birds) many of the lawns look like this.


_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

powersoak's picture
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Adult geese produce about a pound of poop a day.