The Feast Of The Protein Bars

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m 1+ points - Newb
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Me and my ex-wife signed up for some "own your own business" thing where you have to recruit people and all that. One of our main "hot products" were these protein bars. You know, those real gooey-type bars, similar to the Power Bar. So to demonstrate our love of these things (they were pretty good), we bought bunches. They had different flavors, too.

It was time for us to go on a road trip to one of our "conferences" for the business. (I forget what the term is for these types of businesses where you have a downline and an upline, and only the people at the top really make the money. Kinda like a pyramid thing, but it's legal.) Anyway, our destination was about eight hours away. We've got a vanload of people, so we packed all these protein bars -- our newest and greatest product.

So I'm eating these very filling chocolate gooey protein bars all the way there (eight hours) and all the way back (eight hours). And I'm sure I had some while I was there, and I think I ate a few other meals during this weekend. We left on a Friday night. We came back on a Sunday night. I didn't go to the bathroom during the whole weekend trip -- a fact I thought was kind of odd. Little did I know.

You must understand: I was sitting so long in that ride on the way there, and during the conference we just sat there all day long for two days, and then I was sitting all the way home for the ride. So just imagine: no exercise, not much movement, and I'm filling myself with what amounted to a mix of chocolate tar and chocolate glue. I'm sure over the course of the weekend I probably had fifteen or twenty of these very filling meal-replacement protein bars.

So I get dropped off at my house Sunday night, and I began to feel the need to use the bathroom. I sit on the toilet, ready to let it go, and nothing is coming out. This was a dry shit. That gooey tar bar I had been eating all weekend was stuck in my intestines and colon. I could see it in my mind, stuck in there like a bunch of dark black and brown goo.

So while I was sitting on the toilet, my wife was in the other room, listening to me grunting, complaining, whining. "What's wrong, honey?"

"It's not coming out... I'm stopped up!" I replied. "It's all them fucking protein bars! Oh my god! This fucking sucks!" I had never experienced anything like this in my life. I had never been constipated before, that I knew of. I had never even really thought about it. I was thirty years old, healthy, active, and I usually ate a good diet. But not this time.

Maybe ten minutes went by, and I may have gotten as much as a pebble out of my ass. I felt a huge lump like a baseball right on the other side of my asshole, and it was stuck. No lubricant. No juices or moisture in that shit to help it through.

Twenty minutes. Thirty minutes. By this time I'm totally naked. Sweating. Cussing. Pacing around my bathroom, hunched over, thinking that if I stand up and walk a bit it will help get things moving. Then I sit back down. Get up. Sit down. The large bulk of dark goo is poking its little head out my hole. It's stuck. I'm in pain now. It totally feels like birth -- like a little brown baby is trying to get out my asshole. It wants to be born. I don't know what to do. I can't go to work with a brown baby hanging out my ass. It's not moving... what do I do?

I help it. I start to pick pieces off. Grunt, squeeze, a little bit of the goo comes out, and I pinch it with my fingers. The rim of my asshole is so tender that it hurts like hell when I poke it, searching for a grip on the baby. But I get a little piece. I pick it out and throw it in the toilet. I have to stand up and hunch over to do this. Don't monkeys do this? I don't know what else to do. Nothing else is working and I have to get it out so I grab what I can of the shit and pick it out. Squeeze, breath, grunt, I remember the birthing classes where you breathe deep. I get a little more to come to the surface, just enough so I can get my fingers on it and pick it out. I try and put a thin piece of toilet paper in my hand to pick the shit with so I don't have to get the shit on my fingers, but it works better if I just grab the shit without it.

After over an hour of this fiasco, I get to the point where I've picked out quite a bit of shit. If I can get a little more... finally I pull the last bit that will make the rest of the baseball just barely, barely small enough to fit through my intensely-strained asshole, and kaboom! The big, black, gooey baby glob hits the water like I dropped a big rock in a lake. Kakunk! I did it. The baby came out. I gave birth. It was over.

No little shits left. Nothing else came out. All my shit had molded itself into one big glob close to the size of a bowling ball, and I had picked it and squeezed it and cussed it until I got that sonofabitch out of me.

And I've never eaten another protein bar in my life. And our business failed.

31 Comments on "The Feast Of The Protein Bars"

bowlfiller's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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-.-; that sounds like a recipe for colon cancer.

I get poop of a similar but far less serious nature after a large steak, red meat just dosent sit well in my intestines and blocks them up, then when its finally released it does need a good sqeeze before black thick goo comes out.

sounds like you had a 50 x worse case, I feel sorry for you :(

El Fartismo the Methane Powered Flamingo Dancer's picture
l 100+ points
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Wow a bowling ball huh?!? You must have one wide asshole. I do not believe I could pass something that big even with the edges picked down. Gives new meaning to power shitting.

_______
I shit therefore I am.

No one is the same after I release my Methane!

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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I like the way you percevered with that bowling ball turd. Surprised your ring didn`t split though. It`s good to see a guy willing to use his bare hands to excavate a stubborn shit out of the quarry of his rectum and not give up, even in the face of possible humiliation.

The voice of sanity

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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If all the people in the van had lived in the same neighborhood, they would have been digging up the streets for weeks.

Good story Little Ares!

Lincoln's Log's picture
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I had friends try a similar business venture back in the 80's.The name of the company was Shaklee.They claimed their products were cost efficient and better then anything you could buy in a store.They sold home cleaning products,shampoo,etc.They sold protein bars and energy shakes that would could turn Clay Aiken into John Cena.The Energy Bars tasted like rubber.They failed to get rich and eventually divorced.

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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See, this is why I probably couldn't survive without fiber. It's also probably why a lot of people who do Atkins need to take a crapload of Metamucil every day. I personally don't care for those energy bar thingies because I think they taste like glue. I can only imagine what a weekend filled with 20 or so of those things would do to you...and now, thanks to your story, I won't have to conduct this experiment myself.


_______
An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points
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Son of Ares, GREAT story. I about lost it at the line, "Don't monkeys do this?". Very, very funny.

I never thought about Atkins/high protein bunging people up. It makes perfect sense.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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RG2, How do you know what glue tastes like?

I think that kind of business is called "network marketing."

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points
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You must have one hell of an asshole to get something like that through it without too much damage. Still, I bet that was rough!

It still sounds to me like it was a pyramid scheme and they were trying to cover it up.

_______
I'm so good at clogging up toilets, I can make mine back up when there's nothing in it.

[Insert witty banter here]

Anal About Poop's picture
l 100+ points
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Yup, pyramid scheme! And you were laying the bricks. Although it did make for a very funny story.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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"Don't monkeys do this?" - only the ones with brown fingers.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points
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Next time you eat so many power bars, remember to carry a condom in your wallet.

PoopReport Sucks's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Ah Hahahahaha, Good one, Fart Poopie. Condoms, they're not just for sex anymore. Maybe we can use this story to reason with Dubya to start handing them out for free again to high school kids.

SamDamnit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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They call it "multi level marketing". They are indeed pyramid schemes. They just changed the name. It's kind of like how "war profiteering boondoggle" got changed to "war on terror".

Good story.
_______
Sir SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan
Join The Poop Reporter's Lounge

SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Nine Inch Log's picture
k 500+ points
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Hmm, well I eat quite a few power bars and I can say that I've never been clogged up like that from them. I don't think that I've ever had more than 3-4 in a two day period though. They do hold together like cement, it makes me wonder how your body digests them and if they actually do any good or are just passed right through.

_______
Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

Number One . . . I order you to take a number two.

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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DungDaddy--I don't really know what glue tastes like exactly, but being a runner, I've ingested enough disgusting supplement shakes/bars/etc. to know that most of them have a similar texture and odor to well, glue. Chocolate glue, but glue nonetheless. I think power bars like this are probably okay, but you'd have to eat them with something high in fiber to make sure they come out okay. I think it was probably the fact that Ares didn't have enough other food that weekend...that's why the stoppage happened.


_______
An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

Bunga Din's picture
j 1000+ points
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MarketWatch....NewsFlash....Multi Level Marketing Movement hits new bottoms.......

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I bought 2 boxes of Power Bars in Germany once because they were 25 cents a piece. They were great! I ate those things soley for a weekend during a softball tournament (with the exception of one banana) and some water, and I pooped just fine. Power Bars kick ass.

It sounds like what you ate kicked ass, too, but it was your ass they kicked!

Your mention of the pyramid scheme business reminds me of our experience with one of them..........In Ft. Polk, a friend on our softball team had us over to see "the plan" (it was Amway) and asked us to join. She said she was really happy with the products and liked the people. Just by buying certain things for her home, she was saving money and all that.

We were so poor back then that we said, "If we join, it will not be for a couple of months" because I think it was going to cost around 300 dollars for the initial buy-up.

We didn't think about the pyramid construct, that we would be expected to get others on the chain so the "emeralds" and "diamonds" had money coming from us and that we wouldn't be dead ends for them.

It was a blessing in disguise, being out of cash, because our friend's life took a turn for the weird.

She told me a couple of weeks later that they were now being hounded to do "the plan" every night of the week that they could and that buying their own groceries wasn't good enough any more, even though that's what they had been told by their sponsors when they first joined. "The plan" was getting a bunch of the people you'd like to ensnare into this mess together and having one of your upper sponsors explain how it makes you money if you can get others to join after you. Boooring, and it never changed. One hour of the same plan, night after night......agh!

We watched the madness as she and her husband just told them "I've decided to just be in Amway to buy the products and enjoy the savings." No dice. They got hounded so much they felt the need to quit, but only after being invited to an orgy that their sponsors had on a seemingly-regular basis with between themselves and others in their line. It makes me wonder if my friend and her husband were singled out for Amway because of the line alone or because they were in swinging demand. She told me after this, "Every time I see ________ at the comissary, I get grossed out because I know they were thinking about us 'that way'. And why's ________ shopping here anyway? Aren't they supposed to buy Amyway stuff? I wonder if they're fishing for new recruits."

She said later that she missed a few of the things Amway gave them, and one of those things was the hot chocolate, which was really good.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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The key to avoid turning protein bars into a bunghole baseball would be water. Drinking lots of it. That would move the bulk along nicely. In fact, drinking lots of water is the key to moving everything along.

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

Anal About Poop's picture
l 100+ points
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Daphne,
Your story reminds me of that movie GO where William Fichtner plays a creepy Amway salesman. Don't know if you remember that movie or have even seen it.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I have not, but now I'm going to rent it from Blockbuster online because it sounds good. I love Blockbuster online.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Chuck's picture
l 100+ points
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Ponsi scheme is another name for the pyramid financial hoax. A friend invited me to one of those Amway-type seminars, except this company's product line included flights, hotels, car rentals, appliances, electronics. Still the recruiting aspect was alive and aggressively pushed.

Son of Ares's picture
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That's it....network marketing....As for the movie, "Go", yeah I love that movie. Right they had the Amway guy in there who acted gay....hilarious.....I have more poop stories to come but uhhh I'm gonna wait until the right time to write it down when I get motivated to do so...you can rush art you know.
_______
My grandaddy handled snakes in church, my granny drank strychnine.

My grandaddy handled snakes in church, my granny drank strychnine.

Son of Ares's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I meant to say....you CAN'T rush art.
_______
My grandaddy handled snakes in church, my granny drank strychnine.

My grandaddy handled snakes in church, my granny drank strychnine.

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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Didn't you think that eating so many protein bars might be harmful to your system? I mean, how much cardboard can one person use to build a dam in their bunghole? Ouch! I think I would have gotten myself to the nearest Taco Bell and ordered 3 bean burritos and a large black coffee!


_______
Brown tidings I bring
to you
from my ring

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Constipated Lady's picture
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As a frequently constipated pooper, I've developed a technique for dealing with The Poop That Just WON'T Come Out. I keep latex gloves on hand (vinyl if you're latex-allergic--both kinds are available at drugstores). Dip your gloved finger in some Vaseline before you get to work picking MegaTurd® apart, or else you'll be in a world of hurt...as you found out the hard way.

Your beleaguered bung has my sympathies.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Or, if you push long and hard enough, the gushing blood from your ripped bunghole will lubricate the poop chute...

Seriously, though. Definitely stay away from those network marketing schemes. Nothing good ever comes of them and I have met so many people whose lives were ruined by these crap-ass plots.

My dad never seemed to catch onto the fact that network marketing was a load of crap. For some reason, certain men in his generation had a dying need to be millionaires, and their wives always went along with them as if someday they would be rich and comfortable. Rarely, if ever, did this happen.

Dad began his network marketing "career" in a company called LifeWorks, which sold educational systems. They had all this literature that supposedly came from several schools where the system was tested and worked. But the company never showed Dad a product and he finally left after a few months.

He quickly moved on to Quorum, an equally corrupt company that sold all sorts of crappy products. Mostly security systems that didn't do dick.

Quorum turned out to be an obvious scam, so Dad immediately moved onto a company called Startroniks. These guys' product I never could figure out. Dad invited me to a meeting once and all they did was present some sort of computer with a phone attached and never actually said what it did. When the product was never released, Dad moved on to the next scheme.

Art Of Better Living and Air-Tel. Now suddenly he was a health expert and selling phone cards at the same time. Not only that, he was so confident that he would sell his products that he took out a $20,000 loan to cover it. "Yes, I'll pay it off after a few sales. Then I'll buy an island in the Caribbean!"

It was about this time that he developed his heart condition and could no longer work on his sham. The creditors called for over a year, usually harassing me because Dad wasn't home. I don't know how many times I heard a bitter Atlanta accent ask, "Is this his wife?" I always told them I was his roommate. Unless they were REALLY rude, then I told them to fuck off.

Stay away from network marketing! It's nothing but a carrot and donkey scheme. And my dad was stupid enough to fall for it every time!

_______
What if everyone farted at once?

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Miss Simone Scat's picture
k 500+ points
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Thanks for the knowledge of what power bars COULD do to my poopchute.
Producing waste since 1967

Producing waste since 1967

Anonymous Girl with a need to POO's picture
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Absolutely hilarious. I stumbled upon this site with search words to fit my current protein bar bung-up.
You can write.

Russell's picture
l 100+ points
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This is pretty funny and I will never try thoughs proteen bars cause I don't want this problem.
_______
Russell the shitting queen

Russell the shitting queen

ChiliKahKah's picture
j 1000+ points
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This was a sacry story. Next time always knock down a banana with the power ball. That might help.