My First Memory Of Poop

// // 141 Comments
m 1+ points - Newb
0
0

This is not the earliest memory I have, but it is one of the most vivid. When I was five I used to run around the house in my undies. (Ever since, I've always felt more comfortable and relaxed in them -- which has led to some interesting moments when roommates have come home early from a trip or didn't bother to tell me that they took the day off of work.) And back when I was five, I had this toy box -- well, not really a box, but a giant plastic football. Now that I think about it, it kinda looked like a giant turd that had a hole on the top through which you would access the toys inside.

We were living with my grandparents, as my mom and dad had recently divorced. My mom and I had to share the upstairs back bedroom. She was pretty good about it, as she was really only ever in the room at night to sleep; during the day I was allowed to play in there "quietly."

I don't recall exactly why that when I had to poop I didn't just go to the bathroom. Instead, I choose to hold it. More than likely, I was probably just having a grand old time playing. So, sitting in that room dimly lit by the sun coming in through the window, wearing nothing but my favorite pair of Superman Underoos (I may have to find adult versions of these one day just to freak out my girl), holding in my poo, it happened. I was playing with Lego's and Matchbox Cars, and when I moved to get more cars from the toy football, I suddenly had a giant turd in my underwear.

I didn't want to say anything or get caught for fear of getting in trouble. I was getting in trouble a lot around that time for not having to pee before a car trip and then pissing my pants because I really did have to go. So I reached in through the front of my Roo's and pulled out this turd that was bigger than my hand. I remember making a fist with my other hand and comparing them.

Not sure how something that size could come out my tender young bum, and not knowing what to do with this newfound prize, I threw it in my toy football. My next dilemma was now having poo all over my hand, and it was gross! I looked for something to clean my hand with, and saw my mom's new coat.

It was 1979, and fur was in.

I remember this was one of those coats with rabbit fur just on the collar. With what little sense I did have about me, I deduced that the fur on the coat was similar in color to the poo on my hand, and I decided that this would cover up my crime. I still remember how soft and silky that fur was, and how it wasn't taking much, if any, of the poo off my hand. I was starting to panic, especially since I could hear someone coming up the stairs. Acting quickly, I shoved the coat under the bed and wiped my hand on the wall behind the headboard.

No sooner had I done this did my mom walk in. She immediately knew I had done something I was not supposed to do. I probably looked like a baby deer in headlights. After a few minutes of questioning, she got out of me that I had pooped my Roo's and that I threw it away in the toy football. I did not get in any trouble that day; however, a few weeks later when she needed that coat, she found it under the bed covered in poop. I got in trouble for that.

Then, almost a year later, when we moved out of there, I was once again in trouble for not telling anyone I smeared poop on the wall behind the headboard.

Editor's note: PoopReporters -- what is your first memory of poop? Please share.

141 Comments on "My First Memory Of Poop"

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

Gross.

Thunderbox's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points

Ditto

The voice of sanity

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Grogan! That is SO funny! Maybe we're distantly related, because my son is turning into a turd terrorist. I was laughing the whole time I read this, since that's probably EXACTLY what my boy would do!

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points

OK, smearing human shit on peoples clothes, walls and toy boxes isn't gross in some parallel universe. Give me my point back.

Shatty Cake's picture
l 100+ points

Oh my god, my mother had one of those coats. Memories, indeed. Excellent story.

I'd like to share not so much a memory as a story that's been told to me about my first time pooping on the toilet. I was a very late potty-trainer. 3, 3 1/2 years old, something like that. Psychologists, make of that what you will. The reason, so I'm told, is that earlier on, one day just as I was getting ready to sit my ass down on the toilet for the first time and go, my cousin--three years older than I and much inclined to torment me with how superior she was in everything--prematurely flushed on me. Why my cousin was even in there with me is anyone's guess. I was generally a shy, timid kid, and the flushing scared me so bad that I wouldn't sit on the toilet again.

Fast forward, and one evening my mother went to a party alone. My father stayed home to watch me. I had to poop real bad. My father was and is domestically challenged, to put it nicely, and had no idea what to do. They had a little potty for me, but he either didn't know how to use it, or was too lazy to use it. A diaper would have been out of the question--might as well have been Advanced Origami to him.

So basically, he took me, told me I had to use the toilet, and sat me down there. And, miraculously, I went! I was so proud to tell my mother when she came home that I "pooped for daddy." She was mad that she had tried all that time to coax me onto the bowl, to no avail, and it was his sheer ineptitude that got me to go. He got the glory just 'coz he was a lazy bastard.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

C Everett-- Of course it's gross, you silly man. It's vile and disgusting. But in the context of Grogan being a little boy and doing something goofy, it was funny! As a mom, I've been the victim of "turd terror" many a time! You want to vomit at the time, but it's a funny story with which to humiliate your children when they're teenagers and their friends come over. Damn! Do I have to explain EVERYTHING? :P

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

P.S. I'm betting you were "lame"d because of your post being a one-word, one-liner that didn't offer any insight or include any expansion.

Your second post was funny, though. At least, I liked it.

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

I used to spend a lot of time wearing just my tighty whiteys when I was little. I don't expressly remember pooping in them except for one time. My mom tells me I used to hide in corners and poop when I was just out of diapers. I don't know when I started, but I used to hold it all the time, and I would always get really bad skidmarks. To this day I still hold it, but no more marks.

_______
If your stinker likes to linger, please be nice and flush it twice.

[Insert witty banter here]

Grogan's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

C Everett Poop: yes it is really gross, and during my teenage years when friends would come over, having my mom tell them this story, AND the other story, which I still find really really gross. Was all emberasing, however to be honest it really is funny, maybe more so for me as I remember the details and most of my thought process back then, and to people who have had children and come across somethign similar.

GottaGoGirl: Thank you for takeing this in the light to which it was ment to be taken, gross in the funny way. This is another reason I myself dont want children. Revenge is a dish best served cold and I think 'grandma' would finaly feel vindicated :)

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

There are several reasons I don't want any kids, this included. I still remember what an annoying little rascal I was, and I don't have the patience now to live with younger me. Therefore, no kids. I just want a wife and cats. Hopefully I can find a girl who feels the same, and we and our cats can live happily ever after.

_______
If your stinker likes to linger, please be nice and flush it twice.

[Insert witty banter here]

Teddy's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


_______
teddy Hay Grogan why did they not have a potty chair for you in the room?? Young boys will certainly do things like that.My mom and dad said when my older brother was a year or less old had loaded his diaper while in the baby bed and when my mother came in he was eating it gross.She should have a medal for cleaning him up .Mothers work is never done.And mothers never know what they will find when kids get real quiet LOL. Teddy

teddy

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Awesome!!!!!!.........Of course I love it, as any fur that's ruined is a good thing to me. Alot of people don't know this, but there is fur lining on items in this country that actually came from dogs. They're beaten and skinned. Not that any animal is acceptable to skin for its fur unless you're eating the entire thing, but to think that one doesn't know where the fur came from is chilling to me as a bunnyhugger. I feel bad for your mom in that she probably didn't think of the cruelty issues (who did back then) and the fur jacket was, I'm sure, one of her nicest things. It's just my nature to shudder at fur lining, jackets, and all that. Even rabbit fur. I've read about these "rabbit farms" that raise them for food and fur, and they aren't treated very well at all. No one wants to talk about the living conditions of livestock.....I digress.....pardon the rant.....

my first memory of a "poop-related incident" happened in our bathroom when I was four years old.

I shat in the tub. I seem to remember that it just came out and I wasn't prepared for it. Afraid of telling my mom, I sat there, wondering what to do. What I ended up doing is more than weird.....I rememember looking at all these little pieces of poop and, while terrified of telling my parents, began to imagine the poop was a family of octopusses, or octopi. Yeah, I did. "Uh, that's the ticket. They're, they're, octo-pusses! Yeah, that's it....And I'm the....octopus president, matter of fact, I INVENTED them....."

Don't ask me. I don't know either. I need a tune up and an oil change.

Well, there I was, in a poop soup, lost in a cephalapod-related haze, when my mom came in and went slightly medieval on me, yelling and yanking me out of the tub and drawing a new bath.

Looking back on it, I am constantly reminded to not get mad at my children when they spill things or throw up in bed because they're sick or break things out of pure accident.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Log Flume's picture

DA HAHAHAHA!! The funniest story in a while!!!

Grogan's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

Teddy: Technicaly I was potty trained, but geneticaly I am lazy. However now, I go out of my way to hit the head when I have to take a dump.

Daphne: It was the nicest coat she owned, especially since we were pretty poor and a friend gave it to her as a gift. It did get cleaned. As for rabbit farms, well I made the misfortune in my youth to accept a summer job at one. To this day I still hate to touch anything dead smaller than a large dog, no matter the reason I have to touch the dead creature.
You story reminds me of my cousin, when her and I were very little she poo'ed in the bathtub as we both were in it. I got blamed at first, but thankfully the culprit fessed up and I did not recive the 'lie paddle' from her mom.

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

I disagree with how some livestock is raised. I'm not a tree-hugger and I definitely think PETA is stupid (I see them coming for me now), but I do believe in animal welfare. That means I believe animals should be given everything they need to be healthy and reasonably comfortable.

_______
If your stinker likes to linger, please be nice and flush it twice.

[Insert witty banter here]

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

Double Flush and Grogan, nice to see some compassion up in the hizzouse.

And I just quit PETA after 12 years of faithful service because of their alarmingly low rescue and adopt pet percentages. 13 percent get adopted out, 87 get euthanized. Gator would be dead meat were he to get loose and taken to a PETA office because of his breed.

I can't deal with that.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

George Eliot Butterz's picture
l 100+ points

Nice story Grogan.

I didn't find it gross; young kids do these things and I think its bloody funny that you happened to use your mum's expensive fur coat.

I remember my mum had a black full length mink coat in the 80s and I used to love wearing it becuase it was so soft... She would often find me parading about the house in this thing that literally swamped me. I didn't wipe my shit in it though; I would've been skinned myself!

For my birthday when I was very young we went to the theatre and my mum was wearing the trust mink. I noticed someone had put a sticker on the back of it reading "the only lady to wear this coat was the lady that died in it". I made a big hoo ha (clearly embarrassing my mum) in the middle of the theatre as I wasn't sure what it was all about...

I never did understand that until I got older; suffice to say, my mother never wore it again and I never knew why.


_______
You can't polish a turd

Princess Gigglyfarts's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

my first memory of pooping is from when i lived at my memes house. she would always give my brother and i a raisen cookie while we were on the toilet. it freaks me out that my grandmother encouraged eating while shitting, but those were good cookies. i should ask her where she used to get them.

this one time, while my boyfriend and i were house sitting in arizona, we hit a rabbit on the way home, and took it home to skin and eat. it tasted like turkey. it was fuckin rad. it gave us the worst farts in the universe though- those hot wet ones that smell as bad as they feel. i made a small bag out of the skin.

Latus Rectum's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

My first memory of anything funny happening with poop was when I heard that my little brother pooped in a shoe! I think he was afraid to use the "big people toilet" or something like that.

I have a young brother who pooped in a shoe.
He was so scared he didn't know what to do.
Mom wasn't expectin'
When the shoe she had stepped in
'Tween her toes did it squish a brown goo!

:lol:!
Damn, why don't I ever think of these things when it matters?

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

Little kids do the strangest things with their poop. Especially when they are old enough to know they shouldn't have certain embarassing situations happen, yet too young to know what to do about it.

_______
Clones are people, two.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

I recall another event, probably the earliest one that I still remember. My sister had one of those training potties (she is 2 years younger than I am). I really needed to go and I didn't have faith that the toilet could hold it all (Ha!) so I shit in the potty, filling it, before moving to the toilet. Mom was fuming.

_______
If your stinker likes to linger, please be nice and flush it twice.

[Insert witty banter here]

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I remember once standing around for three hours with a brown potato in my undies because I was too embarassed to tell anyone I shit my pants.

*groan* Kids!

_______
Clones are people, two.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

Wow. I at least slinked off and tried to take care of the mess I had. I'd be scared of someone finding out.

_______
I go to www.sloanvalve.com and drool over it.

[Insert witty banter here]

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points

I submitted my other kid blunder to Dave. Perhaps it will be published. It was just too long to post here.

_______
Clones are people, two.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

I'll be looking forward to a new story by you, The Shit Volcano. For what little you have in that department, you've got some good stuff.

_______
I go to www.sloanvalve.com and drool over it.

[Insert witty banter here]

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

"...this one time, while my boyfriend and i were house sitting in arizona, we hit a rabbit on the way home, and took it home to skin and eat. it tasted like turkey. it was fuckin rad. it gave us the worst farts in the universe though- those hot wet ones that smell as bad as they feel. i made a small bag out of the skin..."

Wait. You ate roadkill? Roadkill.

Granted, it was your own kill, but the road part is what gets me.

Bumper Bunny
Road Racoon
Tire Turkey
Van Venison
Dodge Deer
Asphalt Antipasto
Michelin Moose
Pothole Opossum

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

Meh. I know someone who hit three different deer with a pickup, a van, and a Buick. He wrecked the buick twice and eventually scrapped it. I wouldn't ride with him unless I really had to.

_______
I go to www.sloanvalve.com and drool over it.

[Insert witty banter here]

Anonymous Coward's picture

If I ever have any kids the first thing I'll teach them is not to wipe their poo on expensive fur coats or the like. Instead I'll teach them to wipe it on somebody else whom I don't like very much.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points

And we thought all the June Cleavers of the world were gone......
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

You could always start them young on the joys and wonders of a cool refreshing bidet, or at the very least, the paper.

_______
I go to www.sloanvalve.com and drool over it.

[Insert witty banter here]

Grogan's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

When one of my aunts (not the one I went to Iowa with) had her kid, she would always wrap his diaper to tight. I was over visiting one day and said 'Aunt, you got his diaper on to tight. There is no where for it to go.'. She gave me a lecture on 'you dont know how to change a diaper' and not a minute later this oarnge goo comes up from the back of his diaper with enough force to get it on his neck. I laughed so hard, and she then took me up on a diaper fitting lesson. My cousin (who is 14 now) has not heard the story yet, Im waiting for him to bring his new girlfriend to my house and break that story out. Ahhh family why are we so mean to each other?

craperjack's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

great story Grogan it reminds me of the time when my older brother was 8 and I was 5 I had shit in my room and left it there when my older brother came in my room and saw the huge log he freaked and was about to tell my mom and dad until I begged him not to so he didnt then I was lazy enough to leave it there and when my mom came in my room she saw it she didnt care she said mistakes happen but I was still very embarrised at that time I wished I had A younger brother or sister to blame it on because I could not blame it on my older brother but I only have my older brother.

Fart Poopie's picture
j 1000+ points

Aaaaah. Five year old logic makes for a good poop story.
Hopefully you're not still pulling turds out of your Roos. ;)

The Big Wiper's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points

This just in from June Cleaver: Hello, Poop Report! I would like to say that Wally and the Beav were very, very bad boys when they were little. Once, the Beav pooped on my string of pearls, which I had inadvertently left on the bathroom counter whilst cleaning it to within an inch of its spotless life.

For this trangression, the Beav was not allowed to have dessert for a month. I also had my pearls professionally cleaned and took it out of the Beav's allowance.

Thank you all for listening. I must now go clean my dentures!

Pulling My Pants Down For Peace, Plop and Posterity!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

I think it's a shame that the first two posts, which so succinctly evaluate this story, got lamed for it. Sometimes, one word DOES say it all.

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

Yep.

_______
Sometimes it just takes two.

[Insert witty banter here]

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

TBW, the most obscene thing ever said on television was, "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"

_______
Send all your money to Bilgepump, or to Dave!

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

Believe me, there are some VERY obscene things said on cable. Just watch one of Comedy Central's "Secret Stash" movies. You can see them Friday night/Saturday morning at 1am.

_______
Sometimes it just takes two.

[Insert witty banter here]

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

I have previously mentioned the time that Hermione asked me if I would like her tulips on my organ. When I said that I would prefer them on the piano, she burst into tears and ran out of the room.

_______
Send all your money to Bilgepump, or to Dave!

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

That's a very subliminal one, yet very obscene (for TV) once you get it. Wow... great one, Dumpster!

_______
Sometimes it just takes two.

[Insert witty banter here]

toiletterror's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

I could do with a little bit more info on how badly you got in trouble after spreading the love all over the house. I was waiting for your mom to blow her top, and maybe something else down south.

Grogan's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

toiletterror: I had most of my toys taken away from me for a week, I had to pull weeds, could not watch tv for a week, and spent most of my time sitting in a chair in the corner. As the week went along some of those were lifted slowly.
It was also before I was allowed to play quietly in the room. I spent along time 'playing quietly' in the living room while grandpa watched the news. 'Vroom, vroooooom screeeeeeeeech' I found out was not playing quietly.

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

That doesn't sound like too bad a punishment (from an abuse or overkill standpoint), and it sounds like it was enough to get into your head. That's the point anyway, right? And no, making car sounds is not quiet. I had that same problem, heh heh.

_______
I'm the only geek I know who has to flush twice. Or who clicks on links in people's sigs.

[Insert witty banter here]

Slightly Afraid's picture

i found this website whilst searching on google for a carpet for my little sister's room. Can someone please explain to me how it came up with a website about POOP? still, i might as well add a story of my own:

when i was two years old, my brother was born, and i was so peed off that he wasn't a girl that i decided to make him my slave. Unfortunately, my brother is the most stubborn kid you'll ever meet, so one time when he went to the loo (or to the baaathroom as you americans say) i tried to poop in his dinner. it didnt actually work, because i didnt need the toilet at the time. it was a spur of the moment thing, and i didnt really think about it.

i did manage a fart, though, but he didnt actually notice and ate his food just the same. This may not interest you as much, as it's not about poop, but the next day i spat on his spoon and he noticed that.

Yeah, i know, i was a really sick child.

GottaGoGirl's picture
i 2000+ points

Slightly-- You sound like someone we'd all like to get to know better!

If you DOO have any poop stories, please consider registering and TELL!

The Dumpster's picture
i 2000+ points

Slightly--you were Googling about "carpet," and you got here. Were you using the search term "pile"?

Go to this "Carpet Glossary" page and see what hilarious connotations some of them have in regards to poop. Just under "A," for example, are the following terms, any of which could certainly have led you here:

abnormal crimp
abrasion mark
abrasive wear
absorbent compound
absorbent pad cleaning
accelerant
ACH (air exchange rate)
acoustic absorption
Action
adhesive spreader (trowel)
adverse health effect
aerobic
aerosol propellant
aesthetics
affinity
after-treatment
aging
agglomeration
agitate
air changes per hour (ACH)
air cleaning
air diffuser
air entangling
air exchange rate
air jet spinning
air pollutant
air purifying respirator
airflow
alcohol
algae
allergic reaction
alternating twist
ambient air
ammonia
anaerobic
animal stain
annoyance
anosmia ("The lack of sensitivity to odor stimuli"!)
anti-soiling properties
anti-staining properties
antiseptic
apparent soiling
aqueous ("A watery liquid containing dyes and chemicals--describes many of my poops!)
asphixiant ("A vapor or gas that limits or prohibits the body’s ability to assimilate (use) oxygen, even though sufficient oxygen may be present, and can cause unconsciousness or death by suffocation (lack of oxygen)"--my ex-wife's farts.)
average pile density

_______
Send all your money to Bilgepump, or to Dave!

Poopgirl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb

My first memory of poop was a bathtub tale. I was 4 or so, and taking a bath, when I had to poo. I simply reached behind and caught the warm log as it emerged. Then I proudly held up my trophy, saying, "I caught it out!!"

Poop on!

-Poopgirl

Poop on!

-Poopgirl

Poopgirl's picture
m 1+ points - Newb


Ooh, I forgot! I also have a most vivid poop experience. I was about nine, and had a touch of the squirts, (but I didn't know it yet) and a little bit of a cold. (poor me!) I sneezed hugely, and, well, I'd better not go into details. I don't want to be yelled at for being too gross. Let's just say that my mom was not happy when she had to wash those undies. I had sneezed out a poop!! EEEW!!!!
Poop on!

-Poopgirl

Poop on!

-Poopgirl

Double Flush's picture
k 500+ points

Don't be so uptight about being "gross." None of us care if you just let it all out. Smells like a good poop story to me.

_______
"Double the flush, double the fun" --The Amazing Anus

[Insert witty banter here]

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