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 My Great Stone TurdsPosted 12.14.2007 by AcidbAss (13)
It was spring break, and me and my friend went to go visit his sister in college at Florida State University. It was great, staying for free and drinking lots of beer. But all that beer drinking on Saturday night resulted in a problem Sunday morning: my poo was the consistency of granite. "Stone turds" is what I called them.
So that Sunday morning, when I woke up, the first thing I did was go upstairs to take a mean dump. And I let it rip -- even as a seventeen-year-old high school student, I could do some serious damage with my turds. The toilet, I remember, was one of those really cheap toilets -- like if you're looking at a list of toilets to buy at Home Depot, and at the bottom of the list there's that one that costs fifteen dollars and is probably made for midgets. So I felt like something was wrong immediately after I dropped the deuce. It was a sinking feeling, like I knew what was about to come. But I had no idea. I reached my hand out and flushed the toilet anyway. It gurgled and fizzled. Looking back, I was really sending that toilet to its death. That poor, frail piece of plastic with water flowing through it didn't stand a chance against my dense, hard-packed beer shits. The toilet started to rumble, and the turds were not disappearing like they should. Instead, they were sitting at the bottom, not moving. I saw that telltale brown cloud of backwash, like the toilet choked on one of my stone turds, and I knew that it was only a moment before the toilet would be backing up. Sure enough, seconds later, the water began to rise. I began to panic. I know now to just turn off the water underneath the toilet. But back then I was seventeen, and really stupid to boot. So the toilet overflowed -- my stone turds had clogged the toilet and it was now over soaking the bathroom with my poop water. I didn't know what to do, so I ran and got my friend. He didn't know what to do, either, so he ran and got his sister. By then water had started leaking through the ceiling and onto the dining room table -- where all the books and homework were. So here we all were: me, my friend, his sister, and her roommate, all standing around the table, staring at water mixed with my shit raining down on their dining room table and homework papers. We frantically tried to get all the papers out of the way, but it was too late -- they were soaked with feces and piss water. True, since my turds were hard, the water was clear; but we all had the silent understanding that microscopic pieces of my shit were all over everything. They could wash everything ten times, but it would still never be clean. I left her apartment that morning in shame, but I also felt the proud glow of victory. My great stone turds had defeated that cheap plastic toilet. Post new comment
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