Hemorrhoid Surgery, And After

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For the last few months, I've been working out a lot.

And like the last time I worked out a lot, I wound up developing a hemorrhoid from the excess pressure against my pelvic muscle floor.

The last one gradually went away on its own. This time, no such luck; not only did it not go away, it got bigger. It was huge. And painful. It was like having an extra testicle, in the wrong place.

I hooked up with a local surgeon. He poked and prodded in his pre-consultation and announced that he could take care of it right then and there.

"Do I get anesthetic?"

"Sure. But I'll warn you: the injection is going to hurt."

"How much?"

"A lot. You won't want to be my friend anymore."

He actually said that.

"I'd rather not be awake, then."

"We can do that, too --" he looked at his calendar "-- tomorrow!"

When you check in and prepare for surgery, they make a habit of asking you the same questions over and over and over again, just to see if you change your answers. It's all part of mitigating their risk. Assuming you confirm fourteen consecutive times that yes, you're having your right arm amputated, and no, you haven't had anything to eat that morning, you're less likely to suddenly remember it was supposed to be your left and that there was that splendid omelet on the way in.

So by the time they put my IV in and put me in my little rolling bed, I'd already had to confirm three times, "Yes, I'm here for... uh... a hmrd."

"Sorry?"

"I said, 'a hemorrhoid.'"

I tried to keep my voice down, because there were other patients in other pre-op bays and my God, what would they think? But my anesthesiologist had put something in my IV though to relax me, so by the time they got to sixth or seventh confirmation, my response was more along the lines, "WHY YES, I HAVE A GIANT HEMORRHOID! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT!?"

The surgery was uneventful. One second I'm staring at the faceted lights in the O.R. and then, like blinking, I'm looking at the ceiling in Recovery.

The surgeon told me that he didn't just take care of that one big one, he also took care of a few more inside that might some day have caused problems. I pictured the inside of my rectum looking like Frankenstein's, criss-crossed sutures going every direction.

He gave me three prescriptions. "The first is a stool softener. Take two every day. You'll need it. The second is percoset, for the pain. The third is lorazepam, for the anxiety."

"I don't have anxiety."

"You will."

This caused me some anxiety.

"See, some people worry about their first post-surgical bowel movement because it can sometimes be painful. But if you take your stool softeners and a good dose of percoset and lorazepam an hour before you go, everything should be fine in the end. Haha, see that? I made a joke."

I went home.

Not that you asked (but you are reading this story, so you deserve what you get), but I generally go about a week between poos. Today was poo day. And when I poo, it usually sort of sneaks up on me and all of a sudden it's like, "Hi there! Let's go NOW!"

So I wasn't really ready with the painkillers. The best I could do was down a couple of percosets on the way in.

I stripped down completely cuz... well, y'never know how you might have to contort, or whatever.

I sat down and tried to read an Onion article, but I knew this wasn't really going to be a sufficient distraction. So I bore down and cut loose.

Right about there is when the shrieking started. Thank God no one was home. The dogs ran off to hide somewhere. It felt like getting a digital rectal massage from Edward Scissorhands. It felt like someone pulling ten feet of barbed wire out of my bunghole.

And that was just the first volley. Once you get started, there's no turning back, right?

I felt around for something I could squeeze to take my mind off it. All I could reach was that Onion, which ended its life sort of wadded up.

Round two arrived, accompanied by something that was half-wail and half-laughter. Honestly, there was absolutely nothing funny about the pain on a personal level; but from an objective viewpoint, how do you not laugh at a naked, shrieking man flailing on the toilet?

By this point I was sweating profusely and feeling vaguely nauseous.

Fortunately, the pain largely subsided. It still hurt, but only in a vague, distant way as I finished the job.

I was not ready for the sight in the bowl.

I've seen dookie. I've seen blood. But nobody was ever meant to see that much dookie and that much blood all in the same place.

If I'd had the foresight, I'd have taken a picture to really give those guys at RateMyPoo something to talk about.

Instead, I cleaned up and went to lie down on the bed to whimper for a while.

41 Comments on "Hemorrhoid Surgery, And After"

Anonymous Coward's picture
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A friend of mine had a family history of haemorrhoids. When it got really bad, his doctor referred him to a butt doctor. Over 4 or 5 visits the butt doctor proceeded to lasso the haemorrhoids with heavy duty elastic bands. He didn't ask for them back afterwards. :-)

This seems to have helped a lot and didn't hear my friend complaining much about haemorrhoids after that.

Eoz's picture
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That was funny. I LOVE this line:

'"I don't have anxiety."

"You will."

This caused me some anxiety.'

Anonymous Coward's picture
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"I don't have anxiety."

"You will."

This caused me some anxiety.

Had me cracking up...but seriously...I cant wish that surgery on anyone.

DungDaddy's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorj 1000+ points
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True. That was a hilariously funny segment.

This whole story was good. It's been a while since we've had one this funny.

Blind Mullet's picture
k 500+ points
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Good one! Hope your quoit has recovered and you're OK now. Let us know how its progressing!

The white zone is for loading and unloading only- FZ.

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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I like your writing style, Triggur.


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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Edward Scissorhands??? OUCH!!!!
Heal quickly!
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

ParaPooper82's picture
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Too Funny! I can totally Sympathize with Triggur.

MSG's picture
Comment Quality Moderatori 2000+ points
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Excellent story--funny but at the same time not funny at all to the patient. The stool softener makes a lot of sense, because Percocet is a strong enough pain-killer that it can deaden the nerves in your rectum and anus so that you don't feel the urge. That happened to me for 4 days after surgery--no feeling, no b.m., nothing. When I finally did get the feeling, I sure wished I had had stool softeners--pain, blood, manual disimpaction. Good story, good advice.

Shits Happily In The Shadows's picture
l 100+ points
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Triggur, welcome to Poop Report. That was a great story, and well-written to boot. I am sorry that your recovery was so painful, but at least all is taken care of. My two favorite parts:

"I don't have anxiety."
"You will."
This caused me some anxiety.

and...

"If I'd had the foresight, I'd have taken a picture to really give those guys at RateMyPoo something to talk about."

How is the working out coming along? Were you able to exercise soon afterward? (I am a workout fanatic, so this is something I definitely want to know! Of course, my schedule has me sitting on my ass a lot...)

I have had various family members with hemmorroids...and I'll tell you what, EVERYONE suffers. I know that part of our basic bathroom supplies were Epsom salts.

Great story!
_______
Assaulting toilets since 1977!

Assaulting toilets since 1977!

pnuttycorn's picture
k 500+ points
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Oh you poor baby. my Ex Father-in-law went into the ER with hemmies. After surgery, they gave the poor man a morphine drip. He was a lawyer, and he was so whacked out he was trying cases in his bed. he sat on a potty ring for months after that. I myself have never had that problem, but really, do you only poop once a week? Please dont take the laxative route. My Mom lost a third of her colon due to laxative addiction. Fiber fiber fiber, and good luck for a speedy recovery.

gus's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Great story. Your doctor sounds like an honest guy.

KeepOnCrappin's picture
k 500+ points
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+1 on the anxiety line, i LOL'ed

"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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I never thought about the use of an anti-anxiety drug to ease the fears of that first post-op dump. Great idea! Glad you heeded the good doctor's advice and we're glad you've joined up with poop report!! Welcome!


_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

daphne's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardSite AdminComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatore 6000+ points
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Nice to see you around, KOC!


_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

sphincter spanker's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Think i'll put that hemmie surgery on the back burner for awhile!

Endangered-Feces's picture
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This one had me convulsing uncontrolably with laughter!!! The parts about "someone pulling ten feet of barbed wire out of my bunghole" and "By this point I was sweating profusely and feeling vaguely nauseous" both hit sensitive anal-nerves with me, for I have experienced those same agonizing symptoms whilst doing thy dootie. Sometimes shit just hurts.

Hieronymous Bowels's picture
l 100+ points
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This story makes me glad that once I gave up my six pack plus a twelve pack a day of beer habit my hemorrhoid problem cleared up on its own.

The Shit Volcano's picture
Comment Quality Moderatorh 3000+ points
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Triggur, I enjoyed your story immensely, and it makes me glad I have never had hemmy surgery. I had to laugh at the same things people have already stated above, so I will not repeat them. The other thing I had to laugh at was the pre-op questioning. For me, the questioning also included three million different people asking me if I was pregnant, and two tests to confirm that I wasn't lying. If one more person asked me when I'd last eaten, I was going to scream.

Then there was the pre-op with the anesthesiologist. I have really weird veins and it took the staff about twenty minutes to get the stupid IV in. Then they wheeled me into the operating room after I warned the man that medications sometimes don't work very well on me. He didn't believe me until he injected the drug that was supposed to "make you a little sleepy" and I was wide awake even after five minutes.

Fortunately, the rest of the surgery went well. I am VERY glad that my first shit after surgery was not as painful as yours. In fact, it was the exact opposite. (Read about it in "Food For Toilet: Life Without A Gallbladder".)

Again, funny story!

_______
Born right the first time.

I found Jesus! He was behind the sofa the whole time!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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You usually go one week between dookies??

You might want to consider seeing a doc about that one too.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Haha seriously funny i was crying really bad with amusment sry for the guy tho.I have a problem too gona see if it goes on its own.I went out on the beers next day a killer pain on my starfish like its that bad i dont wanna pass wind jus incase i blow any scabs off.But true very painfull.

Bran Lover's picture
k 500+ points
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Did your dogs ever come back?

To affect the quality of the poo, that is the art of life. ~Thoreau, sort of.

baron von crapalot's picture
k 500+ points
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Brilliant stuff, although horrible.

anxiety.... had me crying laughing.

_______
Did I just fart?.... Oh shit! NO!!

I hope to god I've just sat in a Shepard's pie.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I had hemorrhoid problems when I was in the service. The doc told me to wrap an ice cube in plastic wrap and stick it up my butt and that would give me some relief and help shrink the roid. I opined later that it would have been easier to get one of those double stick popsickles, break it in half, roll a condom onto it, then stick that up my butt.

My roids were cured years later by a chiropractor, he gave me the good advise of always washing the old starfish with soap and water after a dump.

I have an occasional mild flare-up
which I Treat by coating an
Anusol supository with 1% hydrocortisone and sticking it up the old butt hole.

_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

RoboCrap13's picture
l 100+ points
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Chief, you should've used a fudgesicle. ;)
_______
You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

You have the right to remain Silent but Deadly....

She_Poops's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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a WEEK between poo's? DAMN!

Anonymous Coward number 2's picture
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I feel you man. I just got out of the hospital yesterday. I got everything you did but the anti anxiety pills since I'm already on them. If you got any tips for me, I'd love to hear them. Sorry about your pain.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Just had Hem. surgery this week 6 days ago. Second time around for me. I cant pee and Bowel Movements feel like someones driving a winnebago up my butt. Ive been miserable but your story made me laugh for the first time in days. So thanks man.

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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AC who posted above.....I feel your pain and sincerely hope that soon your BM's will only feel like a Hummer driving up your butt.
_______
Eat chilies and feel the burn!!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

El Scumbag's picture
k 500+ points
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This is absolutely the funniest thing I've read so far on PR. For a minute or so I had real difficulty breathing from laughing so much and inhaled a big lump of gooey phlegm , which made me choke, my lungs seized up and I had to concentrate on drawing in minute amounts of air at a time just so I could get my breathing regulated again.

Triggur, I salute you. You very nearly killed me, and if I did I would have died vaguely happy. Bravo, sir!

PeterPotty's picture
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the funniest work here on Poop Report!!!
LOL@"WHY YES, I HAVE A GIANT HEMORRHOID! WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IT!?"

P E Clendenin's picture
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Just read your article after having the surgery. It made me laugh so hard I had to take 2 percosets to survive the pain. Not sure I will survive. Hoping for the best.

BeautyWHemi's picture
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This is amazing. I'm a 22 yr old female who just underwent her second hemorrhoid removal in the past 4 years. WHOO!!! You explained the pain perfectly, barbed wire and Edward Scissorhands. BRILLIANT! It makes me feel good to read something humorous about this inexplicably horrible and embarrassing condition! hahaha Thank you, this may have nudged me to finally have a BM. It's been over a week!

Feelin the scissorhands's picture
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I can definitely relate! I am four days post op for the hemmies! I read about my operation on the net and got the exciting information that I could go back to work in 24 to 48 hours. The person who wrote that was on the percoset! I had no problem going to pooh, in fact it went off like a rocket. I had been slightly constipated before, but now it is like a rocket going off. And oh the pain! I have been using the sitz bath after every pooh. Regretfully, I didn't get anything to relieve my anxiety! How many days till I begin to feel human again?

IBS NO MORE's picture
k 500+ points
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OMG Where has Triggur gone off to? We need more stories like this one. It was so hilarious my man could hardly quit laughing long enough to let me finish reading it to him!

When you say the word “poop,” your mouth makes the same motion your butthole does when pooping…
The same can be said for the phrase “explosive diarrhea.”

Anonymous Coward's picture
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LMFAO!!!!

'"I don't have anxiety."

"You will."

This caused me some anxiety.'

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points
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"today was poo day"..:.brilliant! Funny as hell....must keep this story handy when the time comes to burn off my hems.
____
Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Anonymous's picture
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I've never in my life laughed so much. I can relate because I had the surgery six days ago and my first poop was truly like broken shards of glass. I felt like I was going to pass out and couldn't even get up off the toilet seat in time to prepare the sitz bath. A warm shower also helped immensely after every BM. Hemmies are no laughing matter. I am looking for better days ahead. BM's still sore but nothing like the first one.

Anonymous's picture
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OMG ya'll are hilarious! but I am now terrified of the pain!

Anonymous's picture
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Will the second BM be any better? I went day 4 post-op. yaked, passed out on the floor in said yak. My husband found me, gave me 2 more percs, bringing me to 4 percs in 1.5 hours. I am out of percs, I can't make another dookie now unless it's not going to be like THAT again.

This story lightened my mood to read though, and I am grateful for having read it, thanks!!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I am having a little trouble understanding your comment Anonymous. I Googled the word "yaked" and only got a definition from the urban dictionary that said yaked meant, "to be completely coked out. doing to much cocaine."

Could you return and explain?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!