Ahh, wet farts. I have many an un-fond memory of them while smoking a morning cigarette the morning after a serious drinking bender.

"I ran in, locked the door, put down the handrail, and went to the mattresses"

CEP requests an explanation of this part. I have heard of handrails although not movable ones, but what the hell mattress is in a handicrapper??????

I woke up the next morning again to a quiet house. I was going about my ways, checking all my mail, when I farted. I smiled, as I usually enjoy such happenings;

Nothing much there, I know, I just like it.

Pizza Hut pan pizza with Jalapenos always gives me a double-whammy: jet powered liqui-poop and the burning o-ring. And yet I am drawn to it....

CEP, in CT, were i happe nto live, all handicappe crappers has to have a handrail next to it that is kept on a hing, so you can put it against the wall when not in use, and pull it down when it is needed.

"going to the matresses"- have you never watched the movie, "the godfather"?

I have never seen The Godfather. I have seen bits and pieces of it and it looked crappy but I guess I missed the mattress reference. Still waiting for an explanation.....

lol its a phrase used that basically means going to war

Another fine effort, Larva.

The Godfather is my favorite movie, and I find the use of the "going to the mattresses" line perfect here.

thank you shatty cake.

i've been playing the video game of it for the last two weeks, i've been having the strangest compulsion to get myself a fedora the last few days.....

"Leave the gun. Take the canoli."

Haven't gotten the video game yet. Tempted to, but I don't need another excuse to waste time.

Thank god you cannot " call shotgun " in the crappa Larva, in the Godfather movies, whoever sits in the passenger seat usually get's it.

Larva-- That sounds more like actual food poisoning than just grease. They may have not washed the mushrooms well, or something. Maybe the cheese had turned? Maybe that's why the texture/consistency was off.

Usually, when something is just too rich for someone, they just barf it up and that's it. That happens to my kids all the time. Whine, moan, puke, rinse, go play!

But when you have liquids violently spewing out of both ends, for extended periods, and your colon takes weeks to recover, that's BACTERIA, my friend!

Detour: I have an acquaintance who, every few weeks, someone in their house stays home with a "24-Hour Flu". According to my internist, there's no such thing as a 24-hour flu. It's usually food poisoning.

The same thing happened to me a few weeks ago, only it was beer.I was short on cash and decide to drink the tap beer this bar had for a buck on monday night. BAD IDEA I knew something was up after the first sip when it tasted like bilge.So what did i do? I had about 12 of them. I'm such a dumbass.....

I wouldnt mind having diarrhea for a while if i really really liked the food. To me it seems like theyve had some sort of accident... ending up foodpoisoning you...

The only thing that would give me second thought is fear of having to throw up...
but id probably not let that happen. i havent thrown up in well over 20 years. hehe.
Im the one with the iron tummy i guess...

"Stall One. I wasn't going in there -- it smelled like pickles"

I've smelled a lot of shit, but never pickle smelling shit. Pretty cool image that gave me. I envisioned a long green bumpy turd. Nice story.

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Poop Shooter!

thank you all.

shatty cake, get the game, its awesome.

Larva, great story!
It does sound like food poisoning. You should have called the health department to tell them you got food poisoning from this place. I'm actually very surprised that very few people do that.

pickle poop? i've pooped poops that smelled like brocolli but never pickles...

When my boy was about 18 months old, he had a thing for gherkins. He didn't always chew them all that well, of course, and the result was, indeed, a little bit green and bumpy!

I'd go to the Manager of the pizza place, tell him what happened. Tell him could sue.. or he could settle out of court if you get free pizzas whenever you want. That'll show him.

_______
EnricoSuave
"Keeping it real."

Would you WANT more pizzas from there?

GGG, from a person who enjoys eating, and who's record is 3 large papa john's pizzas and 6 cans of sprite, the richness is th esinge greatest factor in determining what you can hold down.

Cheesecake for instance. I can eat a 14 in. cake without too many problems. Bigger that that, and I just lost all that tasty cake. Lasagna and alfredo are also some of those those rich foods.

I can eat from any pizza company besides Pizza hut. If I gather around any sorft of good stuff, I lose it out the mouth. No problems in the intestines or on the crapper though. As soon as it gets into my stomach, out it comes. I haven't had Pizza hut in at least 10 years.

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"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

Damn, lots of typos. Should be "richness is the single greatest factor" and "any sort of good stuff"

Telling the manager is probably the best way. If not, I will look forward to seeing you on Judge Judy.

_______
"KOC -- the Cool Crapper" - Rat Droppings

THIS HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEK! I have to ask, was it a pizza place in Glendale, Arizona, around 59th and Bell Rd? I am about ready to file a complaint with the city!

I wasn't nearly as sick as you, but I only had one slice. Immediately after I finished it I wiped my mouth and had a sudden, worrying wave of nausea.

Hmmmm, I thought. Must have eaten too fast. I went back to work and about 45 minutes later I got another wave of nausea..this one more severe, complete with cold sweats, tingling jaws, and, according to a co-worker who witnessed this, a green complexion. I knew how this was going to end...I thought I might be able to hold off a puke until I got my ass home..but as I picked up my briefcase and went for the door, I realized that I had a more serious problem, lower down than the stomach.

My anus got hot. It felt like a lake of liquid was piling up inside it. I realized that while I could probably fight off a puke for the 30 minute drive home, I couldn't fight off an ass explosion. I would have to stay at work and deal with it.

Then, I realized it. I had the dreaded "Hurly Whirlies". It's the ultimate russian roulette. It happens when you have the pukes and the shits at the same time..literally the same time. You get to the toilet and have to decide which end to put in it. If you make the wrong choice, it's one helluva mess. If you make the right choice, you are lucky..but sometimes NO choice is the right one and you erupt out of both ends at once. Ideally, if you have to have the hurly whirlies, you want it at home..at home you probably have a toilet beside the sink or tub and can sit on the can while throwing up into the sink or tub. At the office, you are in a stall, the sinks on the other side of the room, and there is no tub.

I went to the toilet and ejected molten mud from my ass, fighting back a puke. I figured that if I chose to puke first, the strain of it would have made me shit my pants at the same time, then I would have had to have walked out of there, past the hot new secretary and the boss with fetid diarrhea on myself. When I thought it was done..for the moment...I flushed and waited for the last of it to drain out of the bowl. I then positioned myself to barf. It didn't take much effort to do it, because my diarrhea stink was still in the toilet. No fingers required. As I puked, I emitted a wet fart, realizing that my decision to shit first was the right one. Temporarily empty, I got out of the office fast and did 20 over the speedlimit to get home.

I puked one more time, but had diarrhea attacks every half hour or so for the next 4 hours..and I know it was food poisioning because I felt 100% better by that evening, if a bit exhausted.

Man, I will NOT be eating there again.

I love that term: "Hurly Whirlies"! Perfect.

Yep. That's food poisoning.

Slight detour-- I get so annoyed with my friend who, when one of her family is staying home puking and squirting (which seems to be every time I talk to her), she will call it a "flu". Actual "flu" doesn't go away in 12 hours. She has unsafe food-handling practices.

One time, she offered my son a frozen "Go-gurt", and I noticed it was expired. When I said, "Ewww. You need to throw that box out!" She said, "But it's frozen." Well, it says right on the box that you need to eat the yogurt by the expire date EVEN IF FROZEN. She thought that was just a way to get people to buy more Go-gurts.

Her son ate his Go-gurt AND my son's (I gave my boy a banana), and sure enough, her kid was barfing and crapping all that afternoon and night, but was okay for preschool the next day.

My friend called it, again, a "24-hour flu". NO SUCH THING! It's food poisoning!

GGG, I have something to share on that line, also. Because I'm super worried about repeating what happened to my daughter in 1997 (salmonella), I bleach alot of surfaces, use tons of that alcohol squirty sanitizer stuff, and I have a separate raw meat cutting board. There's just not enough precaution I could take.

Well, in Ft. Knox, we had a neighbor who would do things like use the same set of tongs to handle raw and cooked chicken and even put them on the same plate. But, I didn't notice it until Thing Two came home and threw up all over the place one night after eating there, and it was chicken, her chicken.

The next time we were over, I saw how she recycled the plates and forks and it hit me.......do not allow the Things to eat her fried chicken.......ever...... and they never got sick at her house again.

So, is it possible that her family was so used to bacteria that they had developed a mean ass resistance that we didn't have?

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Daphne-- (sorry for the long post): I would think that would be possible, but it wouldn't explain why my friend's family is always puking. They can't be getting ACTUAL disease bugs every other week.

But then, if it IS repeated food poisoning, why aren't they all dead? Although, their boy is mighty pale and gaunt all the time. I just know she'd be SO, SO offended if I brought up the idea that she's not handling food properly. She's an educated person, with I thought, common sense. So I just smile and nod and make sure my Things don't eat dodgy food at their house.

Another friend of mine went to some banana republic for 3 weeks a few years back. Several weeks AFTER he got home, he started having horrible intestinal distress. NOTHING seemed to alleviate the problem, and they tested him for EVERYTHING! Well, not everything.

After 6 weeks of him repeatedly missing work with the symptoms coming and going erradically, his wife said, "I still think it sounds like salmonella." The doctor said, "I don't think we tested him for salmonella."

Duh. He had salmonella. It took WEEKS for him to feel 100%.

We have 3 different cutting boards, too: Meat, Veg, Other (nuts, fruit, etc...). I'm pretty careful about things.

So, you're a vegetarian, but your kiddoes eat meat? Is that hard to coordinate?

Two signs of getting older: dry dreams and wet farts.

Arrgh! I hate it when people say that expirations date are there because the company wants people to buy more product. That's retarded! The only reason those dates are there is because the FDA requires it. Otherwise, not having the date would save the company money on ink.

The lack of common sense some people have astounds me.

Arrgh again! That should say expiration dates, not expirations date.

Chuck, I just read that. It made me snort.

Yeah, GGG, it might piss her off, but there's kids involved.

Maybe, maybe, a way to approach this is to start making notes on a calendar of their "flus", and then ask her what she thinks the possibilities are that certain things she does might contribute. If you ask her if she thinks it's possible, you're not accusing her, you're asking her to consider it herself.

And, it's really easy to be a veggie when the family isn't. I just have plenty of lawnburgers and lawnburgertype products in the freezer and I make beans alot on the side. It's not only easy, but the family eats more vegetables and fruit and doesn't seem to mind.

As to the salmonella, it affected my daughter for 18 months (diarrhea and constipation from the initial sickness) so I totally understand. I had the runs for 2 weeks myself.

I bet alot more people get salmonella than are tested for it.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Daph-- My friend did start saying, "Hmmmn..." after the yogurt incident. Since we've moved farther away, we see them less, so I'm not sure how often it happens, anymore.

It's almost funny in a sad way, as they are VERY protective in lots of other ways. Once time, they were over and the kids were going out to the swing set. She asked to borrow a sweatshirt for her boy. I said, "It's like 80 degrees out there!" She gave me the death glare and said, "I think I know what's best for my own kid, and he WILL be cold out there!"

So I shut up and let him sweat. There's just no talking to some people. :)

And I cracked up at "lawnburgers"! Actually, I like Boca's, myself; we have a lot of meatless meals just because.

Do you ever make your own meatless burgers, Daph?
My sister is also a vegetarian and she has a very good recipe for a wheat/soy burger. They're very good, they look like cooked meat, and with the seasonings she adds, she has fooled people into thinking they were eating meat.

Bad pizza! Bad! You know, if it was the grease that caused the poo, then you could sop it off the pizza with a napkin.
Poop on!

-Poopgirl

Food Poisoning? I've not heard of poop distress from food poisoning. I thought FP only produces vomiting.

Food poisoning puts you in that situation where you need to make a choice whether to puke or shit first, and you'll be in a fix if you pick the wrong one. And both choices are the wrong one.

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"Double the flush, double the fun" --The Amazing Anus

Another fine tale told.

It sounds more like you had a case of food poisoning.

While reding the story, I could almost feel your plight.
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"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

I thought I saw somewhere on the site that if your comment was over 200 words you should e-mail it to PR rather than just posting it, since it might actually comprise a story in itself. A couple comments above are well over that number of words. Seems like the posters really consider their own comments of more interest than the original story.

Moderators: Care to comment on this?

Actually, the "submit" button takes you to a comment window in which you can submit a question or "short" poop story. It is on THAT screen that it's suggested that if your STORY is more than 200 words, you should email Dave directly with your submission.

To my knowledge, there is no limit to how long a comment can be. There's COURTESY, of course. But some comments just take more words to relate than others.

Oh, and by the way, you're off-topic. Now, how many words does that give me? :)

Just found this site and I have to agree it was food poisoning. My one recent bout with that was bad salsa fortunately I only threw up twice. I really don't think it had time to make it down to the back exit.

However, there are stomach bugs that often make the rounds or so I've heard. Last March I got suddenly sick and was that way for close to 36 hours. Fortunately it only came out one end and I could keep a trash can by my bed as anything I drank came back up. I'm pretty sure I caught whatever was making the rounds as a friend and her son were sick earlier in the week.

There is nothing worse than being sick and by yourself.

Ward Cleaver: No.

Ward, I think the "Lame Comment" flag on yours is
Comment enough.

This is a friggin awesome story! I love your descriptive use of language. "anal carnage" - thats a classic, i think I'll use it as my new HL2 tag.

Great story, sorry to hear of your "humble pie" incindent and that we got a snicker out of it.

Ummmm, Dung Daddy? 'Food Poisoning? I've not heard of poop distress from food poisoning. I thought FP only produces vomiting.'

??? Huh ??? Ohhhhh boy, that's the only kind I have had since being a child (and it's always from eating out,--erm, dining on something some unkown quantity prepared--, never from myself, friends or family). I guess my cardiac sphincter and pyloric valve rock, as well as my stomach acid, but man, if something makes it past the first line of defense and into the small intestine? And puts up a fight with the beneficial, amiable native bugs there? Ohhhhh boy, stand back! Any manner of expulsion is launched, backed by some mighty southerly winds!

This may be common with kids, to barf at the drop of a hat and be fine. Best survival strategy by far. This reminds me of when my sister and I (about 5 and 7) were being taken care of by our neighbors and all 5 of us kids AND parents, came down with the yaks and shits from hell. My parents came home on April first and thought we were joking about it all. Our families have called it "Barf in the Box" to this day....

That's what's so synchronistic for me and made me respond-- that a recent comment post and thread would lead me to this great story and then bring up what happened to me at this date, 28 years ago.... weird, cool.

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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

Yup the story definitely sounds like food poisoning. the one slice guy, makes me wonder- most pathogens have an incubation period, yet you felt it right away...

I wonder if your issue wasn't an OH SHIT" response by your body than an actual infestation or intoxication.

"hurlie-whirlies" is the best description I have read yet!! I've had that virus twice, and had to keep a plastic bucket between my knees while exploding. If I had tried to stretch to barf in the sink, I'd have blasted ass pee all over the wall...
The one time was the worst- 3 days home from work, sore abs for a week from all the puking, AND, I got a regular cold right on it's heels...