I Shat In My Parents' Bushes

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Let me begin this story with some background. I was 23 years old at the
time of the incident. I have had previous bouts with IBS and marathon
pooping was not unknown to me. In the prior months leading up to the incident I had broken up with a boyfriend and moved back in with my parents. Feeling good about myself, I was going to the gym and eating right, and the diet seemed to make my IBS disappear. Or so I thought…

One unassuming Tuesday evening I went to the gym after work, as per my usual routine. I was in wonderful shape and loved how I looked. While doing floor exercises I saw a friend of mine, and we decided to go eat some dinner after we were through. I let her pick the restaurant -- my first mistake.

We car-pooled -- my second mistake -- to the neighborhood Red Lobster. I took it somewhat easy on the meal, ordering some grilled shrimp. She ordered the king crab, however, and insisted I try some. My IBS nightmares far from my mind, I ate a leg or two of her king crab with butter sauce. As we finished up the meal, she wanted to chat, but I felt the rumble down under, which brought back my memories of long, painful trips to various bathrooms. This being so, I suggested we head back, as I needed to get home. While she talked about who knows what, all I could think about was that I needed to get to a restroom pronto or the situation was going to turn ugly. Since we had taken my car and left hers at the gym, I did not want my friend sitting in a restaurant all by herself waiting for me to empty my colon.

The minutes turned into half of an hour of more conversation as I politely tried to scoot her towards the door. The thunder had not yet reached the point of exit, so I estimated I could wait at least 30 minutes before the brunette unload. I drove her to her car, said good night, and headed towards home, figuring I could make the drive in a reasonable ten minutes.

Unfortunately, the stomach craps were telling me that my loaded bowel was not going to wait that long. so at the next red light, sweating and red faced, I emptied out my gym bag of the dirty gym clothes I had worn and tucked them between by butt and my leather seats. In my brown clouded reasoning, I would rather buy a new gym bag than have to clean poop out of my car. As luck would have it, I was wearing a rather short, black skirt, so I had no barrier except my underwear while sitting. Still waiting for the light to turn, I thought it would be a good idea to light up a cigarette to take my mind off of the situation.

For those of you unfamiliar with the cigarette-to-poop ratio, let me just say this was the absolute worst decision of my night so far. It is a rare day when a smoker gets constipated. Doubling the stomach cramps and cutting my safe time in half, I ended up driving 80 miles per hour in a 45 zone trying to make it to my parent’s house. I was mentally telling myself I could make it. I saw the neighborhood entrance. Then I saw the driveway. I was home free! I parked my car crookedly in the drive and ran to the garage door security pad. I enter the four-digit code and up the door went. Watching it was torture, because I realized I wasn’t going to make it. The door had only reached calf height when I had to make an executive decision: Do I poop-trail my way through my parent’s house to the bathroom, or do I shit in the front yard?

I took a few steps out from the garage door, and aiming my starfish at the front bushes, allowed the projectile ass vomit to begin. Thankfully I had enough foresight to lift my skirt, pull down my underwear, and take aim.

After a few agonizing minutes, I realized my parent’s front porch light was on, illuminating my dirty deed to any neighbors who might have cared to look. My chute not fully empty, I pinched off, quickly pulled up my underwear while unwiped, and walked inside. Both of my parents were in the living room watching TV. I made a dead run to the bathroom. Luckily, I had my phone with me. After fully evacuating the offending seafood, I texted my mother the infamous message:

Can you please go to my room and bring me some underwear and shorts?

I heard my mom’s phone receive the text from the neighboring room and then my parents murmuring to each other. A knock at the door announced the arrival of my fresh clothes.

Embarrassingly, after cleaning up, I had to emerge from the safe haven of the bathroom. Both of my parents expected an explanation; they witnessed some strange things tonight, so I quickly recounted the events with as little detail as possible. Finally my father asked me, “Where?”

Having to admit that I sprayed the front bushes right outside the front door was almost worst than committing the act itself. My dad sent me out front with a shovel and a hose (as he didn’t want to inquire about the consistency) and requested that I make sure that we would not see or smell anything by morning. With my stomach contented, my butt hole blazing, and the porch light still on, I waltzed outside and cleaned up all evidence of my incident. Unfortunately, memories are not as easy to cleanse as front porch bushes. This was one of the first stories told to my new boyfriend, who is now my husband.

18 Comments on "I Shat In My Parents' Bushes"

runninggrrl2's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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I sympathize with you, Lady--I have IBS as well and something similar happened to me. I had gone for a long run around the neighborhood and I was almost home when I REALLY had to go. I mean, I couldn't wait to get into the bathroom. I dropped my shorts and crouched near the front bushes and let it go. My husband happened to be home at the time and came outside and saw me, bare-assed in the front yard and was totally horrified. I asked him if he could bring me something to clean up with and he actually did. Luckily, no one else saw me, but my husband still gives me tons of grief about that incident to this day.

Incidentally, why on EARTH would you light a cigarette when you knew you had to go? That sounds like you were asking for it to me. Everyone knows that nicotine makes you poop.

_______
An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

An apple a day keeps the ExLax away!

ChiefThunderbutt's picture
PoopReport of the Year AwardComment Content ModeratorComment Quality Moderatorf 5000+ points
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I smoked for many many years before I gave it up over ten years ago. I recall no instance at all where a cigarette made me shit. They made me cough, and started me on the road to lung cancer but, they didn't make me shit.

I am far from the ideal father but if my daughter had experienced the same thing I think I could have summoned the courage, or stomach, to have done the hose work in the yard myself.


_______
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on!

Brown Eye Girl's picture
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Oh no, they're right about the cigarettes. Works better than a laxative.

coachb12's picture
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Don't be ashamed. Remember the words of the great Chinese war lord Who Flung Dung. "It is better to have 2 logs in your bush then 1 log in your pants. "I know this is hindsight but I would have blown up the shitter in the restaurant and made Miss Yada Yada Yada wait.LOP be thankful your parents did use a cam corder.RG12 be thankful your husband can only bust your chops and he didn't use a cam corder. This is the kind of stuff that goes viral on You Tube.

Mein Kampf's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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Dear Lady of Poop, why are you don't shitting in the dark street corner? Your story happened at night, is'nt it?

C Everett Poop's picture
j 1000+ points
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So you eat right, work out, look great, and............smoke too? Loser.

flushette's picture
l 100+ points
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I think many guys breathe a sigh of relief when they learn right away that their girlfriends have a great sense of humor when it comes to poop and stories about poop! It's been true in my case.


_______
When you are a toilet hog and you can't strain out a log, diarrhea... diarrhea.

When you've got nowhere to go, and you feel it start to flow, diarrhea... diarrhea.

Lady of Poop's picture
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Chief I am surprised you never had a cigarette make you poop! At the time of the incident I wasn't really aware of the connection, but definitely am now!

C Everett I am sorry that you don't like people that smoke. No offense was meant.

Butt of the Joke's picture
l 100+ points
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As you stated in the story earlier,wouldn't it have been easier to crap in the gym bag and just get a new one?
_______
More people flush than they do wash their hands.

More people flush than they do wash their hands.

the thin brown line's picture
j 1000+ points
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Yes, a few puffs of an unfiltered Pall Mall works my colon like clockwork. "whenever particular people congregate"....is also where and when a poo is verging outward. Funny story....mini skirts and pooping in parents front lawn...hehe..nice one__

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Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Somethin' mysterious made an exit from the gift shop.

Squat-n-leaveit's picture
Comment Quality Moderatork 500+ points
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When looking for a girlfriend, I only have 2 criteria.
#1 Non-Smoker
#2 Longer hair then mine.
I had one woman say "my hair is closer to the floor than yours." She was 4'9". If my standards get any lower, I'll need a shovel to retrieve them.

Phillip_D_Trousers's picture
m 1+ points - Newb
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I got a good belly laugh out of it! Thanks...

Lady of Poop's picture
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glad you guys enjoyed it!! :)

doniker's picture
j 1000+ points
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This story got me horny.

The last time a story like this got me hot was this one: http://www.poopreport.com/node/1100/print

Something about a hot chick squatting bare-assed outside dropping a load or pissing excites me.

Got any pictures of yourself to send me? You on Facebook?

Contact me at doniker@hotmail.com

Thank you.

flushette's picture
l 100+ points
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poop-porn.


_______
When you are a toilet hog and you can't strain out a log, diarrhea... diarrhea.

When you've got nowhere to go, and you feel it start to flow, diarrhea... diarrhea.

Anonymous Coward's picture
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Red Lobster has humbled many poop reporters and civilians as well. I stay away now.

shitwit's picture
k 500+ points
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I would have just decimated the shithouse in the Red Lobster since I have an axe to grind with them anyway... but if you had taken the safest route then this story would have never happened and no poop report to follow. Thanks for making poor choices - they're one of the main ingredients for all great poop stories!

_______
Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Rock-n-roll! Poopy-poo!

Anonymous Coward's picture
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So about the cigarette to poop ratio, being an avid hookah smoker(tobacco as well) I understand this ratio. happened to me countless times. I get home from work and eat. Then I go out to the local hookah bar/lounge we have here in town. I feel great when I get there, get my bowl and still feel great. Then I get halfway through the first set of coals, and BAM it hits. And Im like I dont wanna waste this AMAZING hookah bowl, so i sit there and finish the first set of coals, get the second set, and keep smoking. But I know all about the cigarette to poop, or in this case hookah to poop ratio.