MAIN SECTIONS
MAIN SECTIONS
Stories About Poop Intellectual Crap Consumer Reports Fun with Feces Poop at the Office Techniques Travel Logs The Captain's Log Academic Poop Home  
RESOURCES The PoopReport Gift Pack Poop Culture: The Book The PoopReport Store The Skatole Shirt PoopReport FAQ Best Of PoopReport Press Room Advertise! PoopReport on Myspace PoopReport on Facebook  NEWS AND ADVICE The BM News Wire Ask PoopReport Ask a Poodiatrist Eternal Debates FEATURES Special Reports Movie Poop Archive Toilet Paper Survey Pooetry Comics Poop Contests MOVEMENTS Shameless Shitting Poop For Peace The Summer Stoolstice DISCUSSIONS Shit Of My Career Childbirth Poop Book Of The Shameless First Memory of Poop More... REPORT POOP Poop Forums PoopReport Chat Submit 
NavigationPoop Comics Our BuddiesLower left rotating ad most recent poll -- formattedPoop at the Movies |
 In-Laws' MeatballsPosted 09.07.2006 by doniker (1517)
Over the years my family has purchased many different brands of those pre-made, fully-cooked frozen meatballs. All of them usually gave us some bad gas. But this Labor Day, I have discovered the gasballs from hell: Gordon Food Service brand meatballs.
My wife had plans for us to spend the Labor Day weekend at her mother's house. Around 10:30 that Saturday morning, my wife, our daughter, the dog and I left our Cleveland home for the rainy four-hour trip to my mother-in-law's home in Dayton. After we arrived, I noticed a crockpot in the kitchen full of a tomato sauce-based dish. I later learned that we where having rigatoni and meatballs for dinner. I had started that day eating only a bowl of oatmeal. During the ride down I ate only five chicken nuggets and a small vanilla Frosty from Wendy's. Around 4:00 PM the alcohol started to flow heavily. I have endured some medical problems this summer, so I have been basically sober since early June. By the time dinner hit the table at six o'clock, I had downed three shots of vodka and about seven Bud Lights. I was drunk and hungry. We enjoyed a nice salad and some garlic bread, and then I consumed two huge plates of rigatoni and a total of over thirty little meatballs. My mother-in-law was delighted that I liked the meal and told us all about the great price she had gotten at GFS on this enormous bag of meatballs. Around seven, two of my sisters-in-law and their families showed up to eat. At 7:30, eight of us sat down at their poker table to play some Texas Hold'em. I sat at that table for three straight hours without getting up once (and won $25!!!); and even though my mother-in-law kept offering me food and drink, I was so bloated and full I couldn't eat or drink another thing. When I finally stood up, the cramps started to develop. At eleven o'clock, I was ready for bed. My gut was totally distended and I had severe gas pains. Before hitting the sheets in the basement bedroom, I ripped a massive fart that easily lasted five seconds. Twelve midnight. I awoke from an unsound sleep with probably one of the worst gut aches of my forty-three years. I didn't know if I needed to shit, puke, have a stroke or all of the above. I seriously thought my appendix may have burst. I ran to the toilet and sat down, only to have nothing depart my asshole. I stood up and dry heaved over the sink, but nothing exited at that end either. I started to pace the basement in a panic. I even considered waking up my wife to take me to the hospital -- I was in some considerable pain. Minutes later, I ripped a major fart that jarred something loose amongst my innards. I again sat on the shitter and dropped about four big logs. I was still experiencing pain, but I got back into bed anyway, hoping to try and get some sleep. The next four hours consisted of tossing, turning, farting, and fading in and out of sleep. Around five AM I hit the pot again and thankfully dropped a few more logs. By sunrise I was feeling somewhat better, but my gut was still grumbling and I was groggy from lack of sleep. That morning I told my wife of my dilemma, only to have her inform me that she, too, had experienced some pretty wicked gas. That day we spent a few hours visiting at my sister-in-law's house, and she mentioned during conversation that she and her husband were both up until 2:30 AM that morning because they were "sick" and concluded it was caused by "something they ate." I looked at my wife and we both laughed. Later that night, my mother-in-law's neighbors had a bonfire going, so we joined them and several of the other locals to do some beer drinking. Oddly enough, the subject of farting became a popular topic, and many of the men and women in attendance, all over forty, shared many of their notable fart stories. My wife and I keep our gassy tales a secret, but my wife did finally ask her mother if those meatballs had given her gas. I'm sure my mother-in-law was lying when she said, "No." Post new comment
|
Ad 1
Ad 2
Text Ads
Recent comments
Who's onlineThere are currently 0 users and 795 guests online.
Thong ad Highest Users
Browse content by author View some statistics Learn more about userpoints |
