Had it been raining pussies that day, I would have gotten hit by a dick.
It was 3:30 AM when my alarm went off. I had just left a party hours ago, where I had drank (non-alcohol) and eaten to excess, and now it was time to go to work. I was a city truck driver and I did route deliveries to small stores and bodegas.
Getting up was not a problem, but I felt like shit. I decided that maybe a large Dunkin Donuts coffee and a couple crème-filled donuts were what I needed. As I ate my donuts, little did I know that I would meet the little fellows again that day.
I was covering a route that I didn't know well. One directive I was given was "do not block Luigi's Pizza at lunchtime." As much as I tried to figure out the best route, I knew I would arrive at the customer next to Luigi's near lunchtime.
The morning went well, despite getting sicker and sicker. I tried some Alka Seltzer, but by the time I got to the stop by Luigi's I was ready to hurl. Rather than park in the street, in my delirium I pulled right into the parking lot. I stumbled out only to be greeted by Luigi screaming at me in his thick Sicilian accent.
Luigi was a nasty little man with the posture of a boiled shrimp and teeth that looked like he had been sucking on a piece of cheddar cheese all day. His little t-rex arms were waving wildly and he was screaming at me to get out of the lot. I went up to him and politely told him I would only be five minutes, and that he should go fuck himself in the meantime.
Those were to be the longest five minutes of my life.
I wheeled the hand truck into the store, past the manager (who was laughing at Luigi), and into the refrigerated walk-in box. That's where I made a critical error: the walk-in door was six feet tall and I am 6' 4". I cleared the threshold -- all but four inches of my head, that is.
I staggered out bleeding and went into the bathroom. That's where my body said, "Enough is enough." I sat on the can, holding paper towels to my head, and as I waited for hell to break loose, I heard something. It was talking and laughter coming from the other side of the wall in Luigi's dining room. I was about to evacuate my entire body and all that separated me from them was a half-inch of cheap sheet rock.
I started puking into the mop bucket and shit blew out my ass like a freight train. My pent-up gas released in multiple short bursts. It sounded like I was shitting bubble wrap. In between explosions, I noticed that the lighthearted laughter on the other side of the wall had gone silent.
I soon got up, sort of wiped, and staggered out of the bathroom; and then I passed out.
The next thing I remember was two cops standing over me. One said, "You don't look good, pal," and the other told me they were taking me to the hospital. The only thing I remember about the ride was waking up in the back seat in a pool of blood. I screamed at the cops, "I'm bleeding!" and the driver just said, "Relax, pal, that's not your blood."
That was a relief.
I was in the hospital about four hours. And I guess the story could end here, but it didn't. I caught a cab back to my truck and as I got near, I noticed a lot of police and fire vehicles, a detour sign, and a lot of sand in the road. It seems that one of Luigi's customers tried to back out and hit my fuel tank, causing about a hundred gallons of diesel to spill into the parking lot and onto the main street.
As I got out of the cab, I was greeted by Luigi with his arms folded and steam coming out of his ears. Before he could say anything, I said, " I'll be out of here in five minutes." This time, I was.
