Now I remember why I don't have any kids. I'll take a nice labrador retreiver any day. No offense to parents...........

GGG, I enjoyed this story. I think that incidents of this type come with parenthood territory and you handled the situation beautifully. You wrote: "[U]nder the last wipe I found a storybook adorned with a nice chunk of dook. I don't think we'll be reading The Giving Tree anytime soon." I laughed over that. Your boy took the book title and concept to heart!

C. Everett writes: "[N]ow I remember why I don't have any kids."

And the collective gene pool thanks you for not further dilution and keeping it poop-free...

Just a disturbing preview of what is to come. I wish more kids came with the self-washing feature.

I recall when I worked at a church daycare as a pre-teen, many of the kids were in potty training mode. One little girl came over to the teacher and I with a pinkie full of poop.

"Stinky", she complained.

We discovered that, not only was it on her pinkie, it was also on her pants, arms, legs, shirt, shoes, and all over the toys she was playing with and the chair she was sitting in. Guess which pre-teen lackey had to clean it up.

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Broccoli!

Ahhhhhh... the memories this brings back. After 2 kids and my revoltion to baby poop for some reason, I think I'll have to go see my shrink today. Kids do the darndest things.

This story definately shows that people are born Shameless. Shamelessness is a learned behavior. Let's end the cycle now!

Support Public Pooping!

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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

GGG this is a stellar PoopReport. A real story from a real parent without any gloss or varnish, just the way it happened and you and your sons reaction. As a parent this has brought not only a smile to my face but rekindled some fond memories of my child when she was little...they really do grow up too fast. Thanks GGG.

I decide to myself I was only going to have kids if they were at least 8 years old. But I didn't want to adopt so I just got a golden retreiver instead.

Frankly, the folks that think a dog is better, I HAVE dogs. Two. Big ones. They're GSD/Lab mixes. Male 95 lbs, Female 80 lbs. The CRAP those animals crank out! At least my boy's poops don't attact flys.

My children do not drink out of the toilet and then dribble drool and toilet water all over the seat and floor (at least, not usually). My kids' hair does not get on my sofa. For that matter, neither of my kids has ever EATEN a sofa, but I've lost more than one couch cushion in my life to a cavorting canine.

I love my POOches, but they're pretty similar to small children, if you ask me. And yes, I AM saying that small children are rather like pets. Handicapped pets.

Take em' to a trainer. I did that and now Elf always obeys.

Take the dogs to a trainer? Or take the children? Or maybe both. Couldn't hurt. Oops! GottaGoGirl's gotta go find out what that noise was in the

You would think a litle dog like a Pug would only poop a little.Those little guys have to be pound for pound the greatest k-9 poop makers.They are The Energizer Bunnies of poop.They just keep going and going.

heh I had that happen to a uncle except it was his dog my uncle shared a milkshake with the dog and then went to work came home and there was crap everywhere on the walls he had to repaint the walls the dog had the farting poo and it was splattered everywhere.

I am so angry I could punt a goat! My daughter Fatima came to me and said "Papa, you know the American Camel Sexer C. Everett Poop, he came and charmed me from my proper ways and we are now man and wife and I will bear him a child who we will name either William Jefferson or Hillary Rodham, I'm sorry Papa but you know me and men in uniform".

I was ready to commit haram and take my daughter to be stoned but I have seen the light thanks to my cleric who advised me:

"Farouk, a daughter with coffee can ankles and a hooked nose is like a boat in an oasis, fun to play on but not much use, she will serve you well by distracting the infidel".

That will become my new philosophy: [insert comparison here] is like a boat in an oasis...

But that sounds like an idea-take kids to trainer.

"Farouk, a daughter with coffee can ankles and a hooked nose is like a boat in an oasis, fun to play on.."

This is the dictionary example of 'pay-for-play' (and after my passing along the gene pool's thanks to C. Everett for contributing). I guess Fatima had what it took to "float his boat" - unfortunately it bobs alongside the shit in that same pool..... The horrors!

Humpty got off easy...

GGG, that is great! Enjoy every moment with that little guy, even the messy ones.

We've had many poop messes around here (and I expect many more- our youngest is still in diapers) but the worst child poop story was when my daughter was 18 months and constipated. She was crying and I didn't know what was wrong with her. Her diaper was a little wet so I changed it, hoping that was the problem. When I took her diaper off, I noticed her little butt was stretched and a ball of poop (composed of a bunch of rock-hard little balls stuck together) was stuck in there. She couldn't push it out and it obviously hurt her. I had to get some wipes and a q-tip to help disimpact enough of the little balls to she could pass the rest. It was hell. She was screaming, I was crying... when all was said and done, the poop would have been about the size of an adult man's fist if I hadn't broken off all the pieces.
Definitely the worst poop experience I've had with one of my kids.

to the tune of lemon tree...

Giving Tree, very shitty, and an outfit SMEARED WITH POO,

When the shower was turned on, little "Me!" knew what to do.

At least the kid's heart was in the right place; trying to help and all. I'll take a hundred messy kind-hearted kids over one clean Satan Spawn any day. Way to keep your cool.

33-1/3: You're a PR contributor close to my fart! It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who replaces standard songs lyrics with those that mention poopy situations.

I would have punted the kid down the street. He should know better. Of course so should that dog...

Fart Poopie-- We do have lots of fun with our little guy. We've had a few of those "cement pinecones" around here. Too many bananas, not enough brocolli.

KOC-- If you tried to punt my kid, my doggie would bite you.

"Pint-sized poopy apparition", "poop-carnage", "a storybook adorned with a nice chunk of dook"...the prose in this story was great. Kudos to the little pooper for wanting to help Mommy clean up, too!

"No, honey, we don't play with the brown play-doh. Come stand in the bathtub while Mommy takes a xanax. Good boy."

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"Rectum hell, killed em' both." Author Unknown

I'd punt your dog too. See BM newswire article there.

KOC, dogs and children are living beings and shouldn't be punted. That's what footballs are for.

Now, adults that should know better by the time they're 30--well--that's another subject altogether. Just wait for the 4th down, 'kay?

I'm not longing to be a PR moderator just yet, but if I were, 2 of the previous 6 posts would receive -100 points.

Uhh, before I go handing out any more compliments to you TurdyTreeAnaTurd, you weren't referring to mine?

But if you were, keep it to yourself, damn you! The very thought of moderator-wielding power corrupts even the brightest stars.....

Bunghole, I'm pretty sure 33 1/3 was referring to KOC's statements.
Shame on you KOC. I've tried to defend and encourage you on this site, then you turn around and talk about hurting children for doing something they can't always help at that age. Even if they could help it, that's just not funny. Neither is animal cruelty.

I was hoping you were better than that.

Absolutely not referring to you Bunghole. I gave it a lot of thought before posting that because I have been nothing but positive and upbeat on this site, but I thought that comment about punting the baby was over the line. Just my opinion.

FP and 33 1/3: I was well aware of inference. Just trying to lighten and make a small point of not even jesting about physical retribution toward children and animals. Those are points which are super-sensitive, I think, to most PR readers.

Sorry, Bit-J (may I call you that?). It's late, and I'm not catching on as well as I should be. ;)

FP,

No biggie. I'm sleepy too but I'm winding down finally. You can call me whatever you like. Most people do--But it usually starts with a "Bee" and ends with a "Cee".

Fart Poopie, I think you are just fine and I appreciated your comment. Bunghole, looks like we are on the same page as far as the punting goes. I just hope that me wanting to take away points for punting a baby doesn't equate to moderator-wielding power corruption.

I'm tired too. I can tell. I know, let's all sing a song. How about Row Row Row Your Boat? Bunghole, you go first, then fart Poopie and I'll bring up the rear, which seems appropriate for Poop Report!

Row, row, row the boat gently off to sleep, hope my dreams of scphintering don't fill bed with "eek"! Night, 33.3 and poopie.

I gotta remember that lullaby BIT. so sweet!!

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Regional POWER POOPING CHAMPION 1988-2006
Poop Shooter!

LOL. I wish I had stayed up long enough to read that last night. Would have done for a good, sleepy laugh.

Oh god. I hope this never happens with my kid.
Poor kid, smeared in poop. How did become covered in poop? And get it on the floor? Oh the horror.

This tale was one of the better i have read on here lately. Thanks GGG!!!
Producing waste since 1967

GGG! Here I am, perusing PR with comedy central on in the background and the cops of "Reno 911!" are lamenting a turd terrorist that shat in the drop off box of books for underprivedged kids-- My ears perk at the mention of poop and what book do they pull out to clean off, but "The Giving Tree"!?!?! I had to come back and read this classic of yours....The story and the comments were so memorable that I knew exactly which author and post it was :) You rock! (will you be MY mom?)

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'Hey that sounds pretty nasty, how about a courtesy flush over there?' (AP1)

The idea of having to wipe someone elses bum constipates me. I don't think I want children anymore... :)