The Laxative That Wasn't

Posted 04.25.2006 by EnricoSuave (25)

It all started for me about two weeks ago. I was shown a color photo of some poor guy's colon and digestive tract after years of eating meat. Didn't look good... oh, and he was dead. That image has haunted me since -- and I knew what it was I'd have to do. I'd have to drink down The Green Bottle.

I went to the grocery store earlier today, got the Green Juice (Magnesium Citrate), and then came home. I drank the first half of the bottle down without too much problem. But I had to pretend I was doing lime juice shots for the second half. It wasn't until I'd finished the bottle (which is an adult dosage) that I thought to myself, "I wonder how fast this stuff works?" I did a Google search and came upon this story about someone else's experience with this Evil Nectar.

It's been exactly thirty-eight minutes since I chugged down the last drop. Nothing too ordinary just yet. I feel a little warm, and I can tell that the M.C. is snaking its way through my upper intestines like a python through the Amazon jungle. Hmm... wonder if I can use my mind to pretend this will have zero effect on me? I'll see how long I can hold out. They say you're supposed to take this stuff in the morning. I didn't think of that until after I drank it down at four PM.

Just heard some gurgling noises from within.

It stopped. Everything's OK.

I'm not dealing with any major blockage -- I just want that BBQ meat from summer of '93 to make its way outta me before it gives me colon cancer or something. They say you should drink this stuff no more than like twice a year. If what I've heard is any indication, I don't see how anyone could be compelled to hammer down this hemlock even twice in a lifetime. Ever puked up green bile? It tastes like that, but with a twist of lime added for "flavor."

I have some documents to type, things to do... but I'll keep you posted.

From: Dave from PoopReport
Sent: Thursday, April 20, 2006 12:40 PM
To: EnricoSuave
Subject: Re: poop story

What happened? I can't post this without the conclusion...

Dave

Date: Thu, 20 Apr 2006 17:52:57 -0700
From: EnricoSuave
To: Dave from PoopReport
Subject: RE: poop story

Hola Dave,

Here is the anti-climactic ending.

====================================

Well, it's nine AM the next morning. I must be the one person on the planet that's immune to this vile concoction. Other than knocking me out for about two hours of really deep sleep, I've got nothing unusual to report. Gaby (my wife) takes this stuff about twice a year and it puts her out of commission the whole day -- she doesn't dare leave the house. For me, on the other hand, it was business as usual. One quick, flashy 'splooosh' -- and nothing since.

Three possibilities. (a) The bottle I purchased was a 'dud'. But being as how this jammin'-juice doesn't expire until 2008, that seems unlikely. Or (b), I have so many miles of intestines due to some birth abnormality that my system just absorbed the impact without skipping a beat. Or (c) -- by sheer mental will, I was able to diffuse the impending horror that would have otherwise overtook me as it has every other one of its victims.

I could down another bottle, but no telling what that much magnesium might do to my brain. I think I'll just make it a point to continue having some oatmeal for breakfast every few days and count myself lucky... this time.

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The Larva (28) -- 04.25.2006

i bow to your bowels

GottaGoGirl (2616) -- 04.25.2006

Or, you were birthed from a pod.

doniker (1534) -- 04.25.2006

"I'm not dealing with any major blockage -- I just want that BBQ meat from summer of '93 to make its way outta me before it gives me colon cancer or something."

I believe this statement isn't that far fetched. Years ago I read something that said that red meat, pork, and similar foods can stay in your intestines and colon for years. The easier to process foods just pass right through as these several pounds of rotting animal flesh cling on.
In turn the old crap sends toxins into your body that lower your immunity causing illness and infections.

I need a colon blow..maybe the next time I take a week off from week.

C Everett Poop (668) -- 04.25.2006

Try a beef and bean burrito from Taco Hell if you want to blow some serious mud.

Rectopus (not verified) -- 04.25.2006

Damn. Well...i gotta hand it to ya man..U got some fortitude. I suggest a hot oyster cocktail.

EnricoSuave (25) -- 04.25.2006

I suppose I could have resorted to the "dumb-dumb" bullet, but chose instead to start downing about five prunes a day the last two days. Still nothing spectacular happening. They're kinda like candy, y'know? Not bad. The dry prunes that is. Those slimy ones in the can make me heave just touching 'em.

Too bad the Health Department shut down that low-budget Buffet our company used to take us to for Christmas each year.. that place had me blowin' southern soup within the hour.

_______
EnricoSuave
"Keeping it real."

lime farts (not verified) -- 04.25.2006

oh just wait... When you discover the lime tasted farts your world will end, trust me, tick tick tick tick goes your colon waiting for the tock.

daphne (3668) -- 04.25.2006

You know, it's not such a far reach to enjoy steak salads if you're one of these meat-loving peoples who doesn't get enough fiber.

Prepare a nice salad of lettuce, a few kinds (and well-cleaned iceburg is actually good in this one), thinly-sliced radishes, tomatoes, and maybe some red onion. Grate some mozzarella and bake one half of a potato cut into wedges and brushed with olive oil.

Then, grill your big ass steak. While it's still very hot, toss the salad with olive oil, then vinegar, salt and pepper and maybe some garlic. Top with the warm potato pieces, the cheese, then the steak. It melts the cheese and tastes pretty darned good.

It's a good way to get a bit of everything without feeling obligated to eat stuff you wouldn't otherwise.

As to your lack of ass action, maybe a high colonic would get things going. Good luck with this.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
http://www.daphneszoo.com/

C Everett Poop (668) -- 04.25.2006

My doctor says that whole "undigested meat in the colon" thing is an urban myth started by the same idiots that advocate coffee colonics and other Hollywood wierdo remedies for non existent conditions. The colon is self cleaning and doesn't need anything added to it.

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 04.25.2006

Daph, that sounds very good but very high in calories. Maybe replacing the potato and cheese with some avocado... everything is good with avocado...

daphne (3668) -- 04.25.2006

I do know, C Everett, that high colonics have caffeine, and that makes them really popular because people say the have all this new energy, thus attributing it to their new clean poopshoot. I just suggested it because they do a pretty good job of getting someone to poop.

Well, Fart Poopie, when one is dealing with meatavores, the calories may have to fall by the wayside to get that lettuce in the tummy! But, I like the avacado suggestion. Yum. Guacamole.
_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
http://www.daphneszoo.com/

Dave (11657) -- 04.25.2006

I hate to say it, but I agree with C. Everett Poop. The whole "x pounds of undigested meat in the colon" thing is, I believe, a myth perpetrated to sell colon cleansers. Unhealthy colons may have weird shit in them, but a healthy diet includes fiber that cleans you as it passes through.

C Everett Poop (668) -- 04.25.2006

Everyone has to have that disclaimer when they agree with me. Just remember that it isn't a crime to be a right wing extremist, even here in the Peoples Demokratik Republik Of Kalifornia.

SSpiffyPoo (32) -- 04.25.2006

For a fact-based report on the old "meat in the colon" wives' tale, take a look at Snopes at
http://www.snopes.com/horrors/gruesome/fecalcolon.asp

_______
I work at a poop plant, so I know whereof I speak.

SSpiffyPoo

FaeLLe (not verified) -- 04.26.2006

Do you know what a placebo is ?

Hiroshita (not verified) -- 04.26.2006

Try this:

Eat at Mc Donald`s and drink five or six beers before going to bed. The next morning you`ll have a smooth and easy dump.

daphne (3668) -- 04.26.2006

C Everett, I don't have a problem agreeing with you. After all, idealism in any political arena stinks, even with bunnyhuggers.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
http://www.daphneszoo.com/

The Dumpster (2506) -- 04.26.2006

I am proud to agree with C. Everett Poop.

Hey everybody--did'ya hear the one about the cannibal who got indigestion? He ate someone who didn't agree with him.

daphne (3668) -- 04.27.2006

I also heard that since people who only eat vegetables and grains are vegetarians, then cannibals must be humanitarians.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
http://www.daphneszoo.com/

GottaGoGirl (2616) -- 04.27.2006

Groaning once...groaning twice...

The Dumpster (2506) -- 04.27.2006

Oh, yeah? Well, what about the cannibal who came home late for supper and his wife gave him a cold shoulder?

And did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the woods?

Or what the cannibal did after he had dumped his girlfriend? Wiped his ass.

I gotta million uv'em!

GottaGoGirl (2616) -- 04.27.2006

...keeling over.

Fart Poopie (1257) -- 04.28.2006

oh... ugh... groan....
corny, corny, corny TD. :)

CEP, you're not the only right wing extremist here. You just need to learn that a poop site is not the best place to discuss politics.

Maybe we need a to have a campaign to highlight CEP's more lovable traits.

The Dumpster (2506) -- 04.28.2006

One of Everett's best qualities is shared with a great Naval predecessor of his, Admiral Ernest King. Of him, it was said, "he is the most even-tempered man in the Navy: He is ALWAYS in a rage!"

DungDaddy (1386) -- 06.24.2006

Enrico. This is a good story, but listen, laxatives are bad for you. They mess with the natural function of your pipes. If you want to clean out you should eat loads and loads of fiber.

healthy 1 (1427) -- 12.29.2006

Exactly Dave and DungDaddy.

Though I believe that it is a stretch, having meat products sitting in the digestive tract for many years, I do believe that a high fiber diet will keep ones bowels clean as a whistle.

A good colon cleanse once a year won't hurt either. The biggest thing that will fuck up a person's digestive system is the additives, dyes, and preservatives in the food these days.

Here is a great homework assignment for anyone who wants to participate: As you eat throughout the day, look at the ingrediants on the packages and record on a piece of paper, all of the chemicals listed on the packages. At the end of the day, read the list, and be totally grossed out by all of the chemicals that you have consumed. Cold cuts and hot dogs contain Nitrates that are converted, by the body, into Cancer causing Nitrites.
_______
"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"

healthy 1 (1427) -- 01.16.2007

It is also amazing, the scare tactics that these companies will use to get you to buy their product.

Obviously, even as far as showing the insides of a dead person. Gross.
_______
"-55F, a new record low? Nope, thermometer went bad. Looks like -50F still stands"