That must be one of the most expensive craps ever taken, shitwhistle.

Dave could probably build a luxury 6 stall fully plumbed outhouse to accommodate all his Indian manservants and punka-wallahs for $250.

Two broken doors: $75 each
Broken door frame: $40
Broken door barring device: $45
New trim for broken door: $10
Fruit of the Loom boxers: $5

Making it to your own toilet before being forced to wait on the street covered in shit for your uncle with the only other key to get home: Priceless

Consiquently...what happened to the coffee?

_______
Hey! That's my robe!

Why didnt you just break a window?

It looks like you had a bad case of the shit panics and it wound up costing you $250 and your dignity.

Why not just return to the store from which you bought the coffee and the newspaper and threaten to crap on their entryway unless they let you use their bathroom immediately? Are there no other establishments around with bathrooms?

You might have been able to crap undetected in your darkened basement, if you spread out the newspaper, dropped trou and not moved around too much. Because it's light outside and dark inside with an intervening door (even if it has glass), nobody would see you unless they got really close to the window.

BTW, hide a spare key on some dark corner of your neighbor's house or in a nearby park. Whatever you do, though, don't tag it with your address.
_______
Yo quiero Taco Bell.

good story. i could sense the desperation. which, by the way deja poo, is probably why the author didn't think to go back to the store. i imagine it's hard to think straight in that kind of situation.

however, with respect to the author, i've never understood people who leave the house without their keys. more than once in a blue moon, i mean--everyone forgets things from time to time. but some people are always forgetting their keys! maybe it's because i'm a routine kind of person, so i don't walk out the door without making sure i have everything i need and can always sense if i'm forgetting something (even if i don't remember what it was until later), but i just don't get how people can leave the house without the ONE thing they absolutely must have once outside of the house.

i hold a spare key for one of my friends, and within the first month or two of giving it to me, she had called me THREE times to take her the key because she left for work without them. and i was at least halfway to work myself each time! not to mention the fact that it caused me to be late. it was seriously irritating. i can understand doing it once or twice in your life, but three times in two months?? come on. i think she either got better at remembering them, or gave a spare key to a neighbor or something because it hasn't happened again.

and i'm always asking mr. pance if he has the keys before we shut the door when we leave, because he's forgotten them a couple times. and i'd say at least half the time he'd forget them if i didn't say something. makes me wonder if he's really that forgetful, or if it's my fault because i've inadvertently conditioned him to not grab the keys until i say something. he never forgets them when it's just him.

i shouldn't bitch. i forget things all the time. just not the keys!

_______
i love poop.

Why not get one of those fake dog poops on the internet. You could hide the spare key under it.

They make TONS of things you can use to conceal a key and NOONE would be the wiser. Lets face it that was ONE very expensive shit. I would check in places like Odd Lots or even Bed Bath and Beyond or your local hardware store. These places have some creative things in which to hide a key. I think at some point you should consider that because that can get prohibitive cost wise if you have to keep breaking in to your own place.
_______
The Thunderous Crapper 63 Enjoying home toilet advantage since 2004!

When I lived in Cleveland and was partying way too much, I'd come home sometimes just "hammered drunk" and go on autopilot. The next afternoon before going to work, it would never fail that if I couldn't find the keys, they would be in between 2 specific couch cushions. I guess I'd come home and toss them into the couch every time and stumble to bed.

The one time I couldn't find them, it was hell getting into the side window. And yet, that, too, was disappointing. It reminded me how unsafe our apartment was. The next week we sawed off broomhandles to keep the sliding windows closed and gave an extra key to our landlord. Now we have 2 bully breed dogs, so I doubt anyone is going to have luck getting in this house with all their body parts.

This story makes me think how many of us have homes that can be broken into this easily. Maybe instead of putting an extra key outside, you could put it with a neighbor, or better yet, keep a coffee can with some toilet paper in it near your back door for the next poop emergency.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

i agree with daphne. it would probably be a better idea to leave it with a neighbor. a good burglar is going to know all the good hiding places. then again, a lot of them won't bother looking for a key and just break a window or something. maybe it doesn't matter!

daphne, have you ever seen It Takes h a Thief? i think it's on Discovery, maybe TLC. anyway, it has two former burglars who show families how easy it is for someone to break into their house and steal all their shit, even when you think you're safe. very eyeopening. and scary.
_______
i love poop.

Man that's the most I ever heard anyone laying out for a pay toilet.That was a very expensive pay per poo.

wonderpance, that sounds like a very cool show. One of the reasons that we have free-roaming bully breeds is that when questioned, most burglars say they, when given a choice, choose homes that don't have big dogs. How safe ARE windows and doors anyway? Even if you've got Brinks security systems or the what-not, it probably doesn't take very long to clean someone out of about 2 grand if done correctly. Use two people. Hit the bedroom for jewelery, the diningroom for silver or crystal, and grab Playstations, Xboxes, and MP3 players from the kids' rooms. Bingo bango. In and out in less than 5 minutes if you're good.

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

Shitwhistle- here's another idea for you, replace the lock on your main entry door with one that requires the key in order to be locked from the outside. This way, you will not be able to lock your door unless you have your keys. I'm assuming you would always want to lock your door since you are in a not-so-great neighborhood. This option will solve your problem and not cost you a shitload of money!______
Sam Walton has recently requested patrons not shit at Wal-Mart, they are over-stocked!

I had a similar story recently whistle. I had had some work done on my car, seperated my house-keys from my car keys when I dropped the car off, then forgot to take my house keys with me when I got a ride back to the garage to pick the car up. While I was walking around the side of the house I stepped in a pile of dog shit and the light-bulb went on. I crouched in the bushes where the neighbor's wouldn't be able to see me and let er rip. Few days later someone mentioned "Is the dog sick? She left a really nasty looking pile in the side-yard."

Dear S-Whistle:

As I read your story the lyrics from Luther Vandross came to mind. Please consider the following thoughts

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable flow
To bear with unbearable sorrow
And to run where
the brave dare not go
To right the unrightable wrong
And to love pure and chaste from afar
To try when your arms are too weary
To reach the unreachable throne
This is my quest
To follow that star
No matter how hopeless
No matter how far
To fight for the right
Without question or pause
To be willing to march,
march into hell
For that heavenly cause
And I know
If I'll only be true
To this glorious quest
That my heart
Will lie peaceful and calm
When my ass has found the rim
And the world will be
better for this
That one man, scorned
and covered with scars,
Still strove with his last
ounce of courage
To reach the unreachable,
the unreachable,
The unreachable throne
And I'll always dream
The impossible dream
Yes, and I'll reach
The unreachable throne

daphne, it is a pretty cool show. in most of the episodes i've seen, the guy just broke a window. or, worse, found one that was already open or unlocked. and dogs didn't always stop him, either! dogs like yours probably would, though. and yeah, they do not take their time going through your stuff, that's why it's always such a mess afterward. i even saw a couple episodes where the people were home, or got home while he was in there and they had no idea. scary, indeed.
_______
i love poop.

" I bounded to the throne, dropped every stitch of clothing, and let loose a cannonade of kaka ...."

You had time to disrobe entirely?

Also, it is spelled "caca".

Good story though.

_______
SamDamnit!
The Emir of Crapistan

Well, maybe you should consider treating yourself like a second grader, and put the key on a string and tie it around your neck. you can always tuck it in your shirt so no one sees it, and you won't break your house anymore.

Dear SW,

Leave a window or door open just a "crack"

Just get an electronic combo lock for your front door. Schlage makes a great one--$125 at Lowes. Best money I ever spent. I no longer need to carry keys.

How did you manage to leave the house, on foot, without your keys, and lock the door behind you?

_______
Shitwhistle
Forgetting the keys is not a usual occurence. They do get lost in the house a lot because I am so absent-minded, but that is a story for another website. It just so happened that the losing of the keys coincided with the time I decided to walk the six blocks to the convenience store instead of driving. Breaking a window is not really an option either as they are brand new and it would make a hell of a racket trying to get in. Further, the house is a late 1800's "railroad house" with a balloon frame common in the rust belt. The lot is 25' by 125' and is bounded by the street on one side and the alley on the other. It is exactly three feet away from the neighbors on either side. Not a lot of room to drop a load in the postage stamp of a back yard. The only bush is an ancient rose bush which would create a rather prickly situation. So far as crapping in the basement it was simply not an option. THere is no running water down there, so where would the effluent end up? Wafting into the upstairs, that's where. And going back to the convenience store? Through two doors and up a flight of steps was nearly too far, but six blocks? No way. Better to have spent the $250.00 in the hopes that Uncle Joe would be home next time--he usually is as he is retired. Hope that answers your questions.

I would have just pounded the pudding in the backyard or inside the outer basement door. I guess you don't know any neighbors you could have stopped at either, do you.

doors - $250
boxer shorts - $5
pooping - priceless

Hectic shit! Haha, as I was reading, I could imagine a scene where someone was being chased through a basement by a killer.. but no killer. I am terrible with keys as well, and the one thing I do that has saved me COUNTLESS times, I have a spare key to my truck and my house. Each one is laced into each of my shoes at the toe end. Easily hidden away under the other laces, and when you get locked out of anything.. BAM just throw off that shoe! HAHA good luck in the future with those experiences.

Excellent idea! Most of the time you leave the house with shoes - why not make them oversized keychains?

_______
.....hugging bunnies since 1969
www.daphneszoo.com

This thread has now made me all paranoid about locking my keys in the house. I did it only a few weeks ago, and luckily, I was able to climb through an unlocked window. I have 2 dogs (but one is still a puppy and the other one is a queer), so maybe they act as a deterrent. Most people probably wouldn't expect a dog to be a mincing dung-puncher.
Anyway, now you've got me thinking about security, so I'm going to have to hide a key somewhere. The rubber dog-turd is a natural, because there are so many of the bastard things in my yard. Did I mention that the gay one shits 6 times a day?

A.D.D. causes chronic key losing dramas...I have noticed that when I have to go NOW. Nothing goes right as I'm trying to get to the toilet. If I'm in bed the covers pin me in, then trip me as I attempt to make a fast get away. I can't think straight either when my butt is screaming to let go. Get a bucket for the basement as well as a roll of tp for just in case. Good story.