MAIN SECTIONS
MAIN SECTIONS
Stories About Poop Intellectual Crap Consumer Reports Fun with Feces Poop at the Office Techniques Travel Logs The Captain's Log Academic Poop Home  
RESOURCES The PoopReport Gift Pack Poop Culture: The Book The PoopReport Store The Skatole Shirt PoopReport FAQ Best Of PoopReport Press Room Advertise! PoopReport on Myspace PoopReport on Facebook NEWS AND ADVICE The BM News Wire Ask PoopReport Ask a Poodiatrist Eternal Debates FEATURES Special Reports Movie Poop Archive Toilet Paper Survey Pooetry Comics Poop Contests MOVEMENTS I Poop and I Vote!  Shameless Shitting Poop For Peace The Summer Stoolstice DISCUSSIONS Shit Of My Career Childbirth Poop Book Of The Shameless First Memory of Poop More... REPORT POOP Poop Forums PoopReport Chat Submit 
NavigationPoop Comics Our BuddiesLower left rotating ad most recent poll -- formattedPoop at the Movies |
 Memories Of A CatheterPosted 09.05.2007 by Honey Monster (51)
Editor's note: I found this buried deep, deep in my inbox. It was originally posted on the forums way back in February, 2004.
I've just recently had to go to hospital for surgery that required me to remain confined to the bed. As this was a two-day (overnight) stay, I was due to be fitted with a catheter. For those who don't know (and for maximum gross-out effect), I'll tell you: a catheter is a tube which they slip up your bell-end (or mimsy, if you're female) that goes straight to your bladder. Any pee that your bladder produces just drains away through the catheter without you giving it a moment's thought. Before I went to the ward, I made sure that my bowels were completely empty by crimping off a loaf that needed a tiny bit of encouragement to come out. Thankfully, my surgery was in the afternoon, and I remained unconscious until late evening. I woke up in the middle of the night drugged to the eyeballs. I busied myself trying to trace all the tubes and wires that were sticking out of various parts of my body. I was pleased to note that at this point I did not need to shit. I had been having nightmares about having to shit in bed, as this was not something I wanted to experience. The ward felt like it was packed like sardines; and worst of all, there were a team of six highly-attractive young nurses who were working at the ward desk in front of me. Of course, my drug-warped mind may have made them more appealing then they probably were, but I would still be embarrassed if I shat my bed all the same. It seemed like morning arrived very quickly. Normally when I wake up I give a loud burst of morning thunder. I'm proud of the loudness of my wind first thing in the morning -- but this was neither the time nor the place. And yet, to my complete horror, I could feel the pressure building up in my lower regions. I was praying that this was not a prelude to something horrible demanding to crawl out of my cinnamon tunnel. I stifled the farts and tried to contain them as best I could. The problem was, forcing them out was the only thing I could do. I heard the farts. I can only hope no one else did. The major problem was that every time the dirty starfish winked, my muscles contracted elsewhere -- which is really painful when you have a rubber tube stuck down your willy. I prayed and prayed that this was not the brown dragon blowing fireballs out of my butt as it made its way to the cave entrance. Apart from being a complete Shameful Shitter, the pain would have finished me off. I was now feeling very scared. I called the nurse over and demanded more painkillers. To completely ruin the story, I was given more drugs and then woken up some hours later by someone telling me that I had to get up as they needed the bed. (No joke -- they really told me this.) One of the pretty nurses then came over, said something with a Bulgarian accent, and then shifted my clothes and exposed the old man himself. Having a catheter removed is very painful. I was then told that I had to use the toilet before they would let me go. (!) Fortunately, I didn't need much encouragement on that front. I got dressed and stumbled to the toilets, where I laid a fairly wet log. This turd was savored by me, as I was thankful it hadn't forced the issue to come out any earlier. I just wish I had been allowed to have my mobile phone with me so I could have taken a picture. (Those bloody killjoys said that it would interfere with the babies' life support equipment or something. Begrudgingly, I had to switch it off.) As a side note: I was unfortunate enough to see a man having a camera stuffed up his butt. The nurses had failed to properly pull the curtain closed at the corner, and I was at the wrong angle to see everything. Why I saw this, I do not know, as I was in the Ear, Nose and Throat department. English hospitals: can't beat them. Post new comment
|
Ad 1
Ad 2
Text Ads
Recent comments
Who's onlineThere are currently 1 user and 384 guests online.
Online users:GoDaddyThong ad Highest Users
Browse content by author View some statistics Learn more about userpoints |
