This past summer I embarked on a two-thousand mile journey of the Appalachian Trail. The contents of my pack were minimal; I brought about twenty to twenty-five pounds total, including only one roll of the cheapest toilet paper money can buy. Every
day was a new Poopreport, so if y'all enjoy this one, I would be happy to share the rest of my outdoor defecation experiences.
I was around eight hundred and fifty miles into my pilgrimage, which put me somewhere in northern Virginia. I was in the best shape of my life, because I was hiking an average between twenty to thirty miles of hiking each day. For breakfast and lunch I ate Honeybuns and Snickers bars, and dinner was instant mashed potatoes. These were the lightest foods that gave me the most energy to climb mountain after mountain each day. I was having a regular BM daily around lunch time.
About every few hundred miles I'd come to a half-decent town, one with a good selection to eat other than my trail food. When I flipped through my handbook, I found a chinese all-you-can-eat jackpot! After running the usual errands of re-upping my food supply and stealing a roll of shitty TP from the local convenient store, I dropped my pack off at the
cheapest motel i could find and made a beeline toward the chinese restaurant.
Now, I consider myself a chinese food connoisseur - and this place was a complete dump when I look back on it - but it was my oasis from the woods. In order to stuff myself to maximum capacity I didn't even touch the rice, because it would have filled me up too quickly. I ate everything in sight. Parents were keeping their kids away from me because they thought I would mistake their children's hands for chicken on a stick. Crab ragoons by the dumpster full, beef with broccoli, chicken with broccoli, Moo Goo Gai Pan, even the two day old crab meat - they all met quick and merciless ends.
I went back to my motel room a happy man, and yet I wasn't satisfied. I needed more food, a bigger sample. To shorten things up I woke up bright and
early next to an empty pizza box, an empty pint of Ben & Jerry's Cinnamon Bun ice cream, an empty family-sized bag of Cool Ranch Dorritos, and an empty two-liter of Mountain Dew. My stomach looked like I had worms, but I felt great! I consulted with my handbook and noticed I had a huge climb ahead of me out of this valley on top of a twenty-five mile day. Little did I know what was in store for me.
I always leave my motel as late as possible to soak up the comfort before sleeping in the woods for a few more days, so it was eleven o'clock when I
finally left. I made it about two miles up this bitch of a mountain when I heard a groan in my stomach. I looked in the handbook to find where the
next shelter was and to see if it had a privy.
The first shelter was about four miles away. I averaged three miles and hour, so it would take me an
hour and twenty minutes to make it there. The pains exponentially worsened; every step was agony. You should try hiking up a mountain with your butt
checks clenched shut. it's hard. So, I started looking for a place to give birth, as any good mother does.
Upon my left it was an extremely steep uphill, and to my right was an extremely steep downhill slope; there was no flat in sight. I had two options: suck it up and keep climbing, or try to find a tree to hold onto so I wouldn't fall down
the mountain. I sucked it up and tip-toed up the mountain.
When I finally found a half-decent place to shit, I then had to start the long process of taking off my pack, opening it, digging for the TP, digging a
six-inch cat hole, and then letting it rip. I didn't dig the hole this time. Sorry, fellow hikers.
There are a few rules to pooping in the woods:
1.) Poop four hundred yards away from any source of water.
2.) Poop one hundred yards away from the trail.
3.) Bury it in a six inch-deep cat hole.
I shit about fifteen feet from the trail and didn't dig a hole, but I really couldn't help it. It was either poop right there and then or hike a few hundred miles in my own shit.
After the whole ordeal was over, I had a huge grin on my face, because it just felt so good to get that sucker out of me. I was wiping and laughing like I'd just stared death in the eyes and won.
And at that exact moment, a father and son hiking duo passed me.
I hadn't even pulled up my pants yet.
And I was mid-wipe.
